Friday, March 09, 2018

Stormy Daniels Parody

They're real. And they're spectacular. Yeah, right!

Every time I hear the media mention the name Stormy Daniels, it evokes the tone and tenor of Don Ho's "Tiny Bubbles."  I can't believe no one else sees it.  I want to live in a world where everyone croons the name "Store... me... Dan... yules."  In an Aldi's.  In a Kroger's.  In a Walmart's.  Could be Rachel Maddow.  Could be Sean Hannity.  Could be Wolf Blitzer.   It does not matter.  Conservative, liberal, right, left, Mitch McConnell, Nancy Pelosi, whatever.  Someone really needs to step up and mainstream this shit.

So here's a link to an original Don Ho performance - Hollywood Palace 1967.

He omits the final 4 lines.  Fortunately, the lyrics and syllable progression are consistent with the Dead's Not Fade Away.  It's a nice fit.  Naturally, this is known as a Stormy Daniels > NFA.  A great way to close out any performance.  Get that crowd feedback going.  And then reemerge for a lone encore.

If you can't see what I'm talking about, you have no business here on this blog.

Tiny Bubbles (original lyrics)

Tiny bubbles (tiny bubbles)
In the wine (in the wine)
Make me happy (make me happy)
Make me feel fine (make me feel fine)
Tiny bubbles (tiny bubbles)
Make me warm all over
With a feeling that I'm gonna
Love you till the end of time
So here's to the golden moon
And here's to the silver sea
And mostly here's a toast
To you and me
So here's to the ginger lei
I give to you today
And here's a kiss
That will not fade away

Stormy Daniels (the sonofspoof)

Stormy Daniels (Stormy Daniels)
She's so fine (she's so fine)
Hair not nappy (hair not nappy)
I'll make her mine (I'll make her mine)
Stormy Daniels (Stormy Daniels)
I rode and drove her
In the bedroom and the sauna
Upon her body I climb
Here's to her bushy trimmed poon
And to her va-gine-er-ree
I became so engrossed
Paid you a fee
One hundred thirty I paid
no matter what you say
you know our love
(love) will not fade away (bop, bop... bop, bop)

So... if you happen to know any high profile journalist or media personality, please share.  This whole lawsuit/arbitration escapade has legs.  The story will endure.  All I'm asking is for a little Stormy Daniels with my morning coffee.  Is that really asking too much?  Hmm, maybe I should switch to Sanka.

Saturday, March 03, 2018

Asymmetric Strategy to Force a Trump Resignation

All through the 2016 Republican primary, I kept getting the feeling that Trump's campaign would implode.  The "Mexicans are rapists" line.  Personally, I thought it crossed the line and he was finished before he started.  But nothing happened.  Then, it was onward to the mocking of Senator John McCain's POW status.  How he likes people who don't get captured.  Considering his multiple Vietnam draft deferments for bone spurs, not to mention the human decency angle, I thought Trump was cooked.  But the GOP just took it in stride.

Later on, he insulted that Gold Star military mother.  And seemed almost emboldened by the flood of sexual misconduct allegations, affairs and the grab 'em by the pussy outtake.  All the while, the misspelled twitter insults and barrage of juvenile nicknames.  Remember the picture of Ted Cruz's wife juxtaposed with Melania?  Charlottesville, emoluments violations, corruption, and on, and on, and on it goes.  I won't even bother focusing on all the lies, half-truths, nonsensical distractions and relevant idiocracy.

I suppose we could wait for Mueller's investigation to play itself out.  Or the ill-fated Tom Steyer impeachment campaign.  We could wait... I suppose.  But I have a superior option. It takes little effort or preparation.  And it's free too.  Won't cost the taxpayer a dime.

I think the time is right to drive Trump to the point of a mental breakdown.

You know, make the voracious, fat orange fuck go Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs.

Usually, people who have zero empathy and are oblivious to reality tend to be poor candidates for a psychological assault.  Things just seemingly bounce off them as if they're made of teflon.  Kinda surprised you don't hear the "Teflon Don" mafia analogy more often.  Wonder why.

So here's my idea. It's a pretty straightforward.

Get Stephen Hawking to "sing" the National Anthem at a major sporting event.  Even though he's British, I'm pretty sure he'd go along with the idea if the result was a Trump nervous breakdown.

I can assure you, if Hawking "sang" the anthem, it would be the last straw.  Trump would lash out in ways inconceivable.  Think about it.  First and foremost, due to his ALS (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis), he's incapable of standing for the anthem.  Strike one!  Hawking also couldn't properly put his hand over his heart as he'd be needing it to articulate the words from his keyboard.  Strike Two!   And the distorted electronic murmurings of the Star Spangled Banner would infuriate Donald's phony patriotic sensibilities as well.  Strike Three!  You're OUT! (or as Trump would say, "Your out!")
Note: Trump already has a triumphantly proud history of mocking people with physical disabilities.

Hawking is elderly, frail and in pretty bad shape.  The perfect target!  He's also regarded as one of the most intelligent people on the planet earth.  Whereas, Trump is widely considered to be one of the dumbest inhabitants of the galaxy.  Deliberate and considerate vs. impetuous and obnoxious.  The writer and physicist vs. tweeter and con artist.  The cowardly, privileged, phony elitist vs. an inspirational individual who overcame physical setbacks deemed near impossible.  The contrast between the two could not be more stark.  Let's get ready to rumble!

So that's my idea.  Get Stephen Hawking to sing the national anthem.  I assure you, Trump would totally lose his orange shit.  Coordinate it with the 2018 NCAA Championship finale... and it will go down in history as the ultimate achievement in "March Madness."

Friday, February 02, 2018

Rick Saccone Rally - Bethel Park, 2-2-18

Well, I took my stampede propaganda to a Rick Saccone/Mike Pence rally at the Bethel Park Community Center.  Aside from the bitter cold, it was a predictably saccharin experience.  Lots of strange young sychophants, in dark suits and bright red #MAGA ball caps.  This look is even worse than the Def Leppard mom jeans phenomenon.  It's just something about well-dressed, dapper, militant bozos. 

I never made it into the venue.  But I did manage to distribute a decent number of flyers before an overbearing cop informed me that I wasn't allowed to hand out my shit.  Just for the record, I obeyed his unlawful command without the airing of grievances.  He seemed exceptionally uptight.  Must be the big Pens/Caps game tonight.  My hunch is that the Secret Service rarely frequents the Bethel Park-Castle Shannon area.

Anyway, here's a copy of the flyer.  Just in case President Dumbshit decides to tweet during the Super Bowl this Sunday.  It's far more diplomatic than my usual blatherings.   The Repub reactions were fairly typical.  For the few who attempted to read it, most got very upset, a few... enraged.  Who would have thought that outdated emergency evacuation protocol was such a hot-button issue?


Vice President Mike Pence:

Please tell Donald Trump that he is NOT allowed to tweet a Super Bowl evacuation order.

On Sunday, October 8, 2017, immediately following the national anthem at an NFL game between the San Francisco 49ers and the Indianapolis Colts, Donald Trump essentially "evacuated" the Vice President and his wife from Lucas Oil Stadium.  Trump and Pence were enraged that players would take a knee during the national anthem.  Afterward, both admitted the walkout was a staged event designed to showcase their patriotism.

Trump's longstanding twitter feud with Roger Goodell, Colin Kaepernick and the entire NFL has been well documented.  I'm extremely concerned that at some point during the course of the 5+ hour Super Bowl, Donald Trump might witness something which upsets him.

1.  It could be Grammy award winning artist Pink taking a knee during the national anthem.

2.  It could be performer Justin Timberlake spewing anti-Republican commentary during the half-time show.

3.  It could be one of the players throwing a "Make America Great Again" hat to the ground and stomping on it.

  It could be one of the near 70,000 fans holding a derogatory sign.

  It could be unsettling content during any of the commercials.

It could basically be anything.  The possibilities are seemingly infinite.  The Super Bowl offers unprecedented exposure.  It's an incredible opportunity to make a well-timed, weaponized political statement in front of a worldwide audience.

If, and yes I realize this is a hypothetical scenario... but IF Donald Trump were to witness something he deems personally offensive, history has demonstrated, time and time again, that he will instinctively and impetuously take to twitter.

My overriding concern is that Trump might tweet a specific request, encouraging fans to demonstrate their love for country and flag, by leaving their seats and temporarily exiting to the concourses.  

This would be a direct violation of both federal and state law.  It would violate the existing standards which govern emergency evacuation protocol at U.S. Bank Stadium.  Although he is the Commander-in-Chief, Donald Trump does NOT have the authority to issue a temporary evacuation order via twitter.  Only the stadium incident commander has the authority and ability to execute a stadium evacuation.  If such an action was deemed absolutely necessary, the venue would utilize the public address system in tandem with the video monitors to present a clear, unified, all-encompassing directive.

If, and yes, once again, I realize this is a hypothetical... but IF Donald Trump issued a Super Bowl evacuation order via twitter, the result would likely be inexplicable confusion.  It could conceivably spark a panic resulting in a human stampede.  This is neither complex nor conspiratorial.  It's merely the modern, technological equivalent of shouting FIRE in a crowded theater. 

So in the interest of cyber-security and public safety... I again make the following straightforward request.

Vice President Mike Pence:

Please tell Donald Trump that he is NOT allowed to tweet a Super Bowl evacuation order. (Artificially Generated Stampede Awareness Foundation)


Just don't say I didn't warn ya!

Super Bowl predictions:

Philadelphia Eagles  24
New England Patriots  20

A stampede-free event.
MVP --- Zach Ertz w/ 2 touchdowns and 108 receiving yards.  It's the feel good story of the year.
Justin Timberlake pulls off the coveted "reverse-nipple."  Not quite sure what this would entail.  But  hey, he paid big bucks for the privilege of playing at the big game.
Pink:  Not sure.  I think she might pull off a stunt of her own during the national anthem.

Monday, January 22, 2018

the extra point kickoff

A few years ago, the NFL moved up the kickoff from the 30 yard line to the 35.  The premise was sound.  There would be a greater number of touch backs.  Hence, less injuries and spine-snapping, neck-twisting collisions.  Hey let's be honest.  These guys flying down the field are considerably more dangerous than they once were.  Faster, chippier, steroid-infused, seeking dollars, glory and adulation beyond your wildest, artificially-turfed dreams.

I remember back in the early 90's when the NFL adopted the 2 pt. conversion option for touchdowns.  This was likely one of the best decisions the league ever made.  Because it infinitely increased the level of scoring intrigue.  Making close games and comebacks possible.  Everything got vastly more entertaining.  I don't think anyone would dispute that.  Except maybe some diehard, leather-headed descendant of Knute Rockne.

But could there exist just one more alteration to the scoring rulebook?  I believe so.

I call it the extra point kickoff.

It's pretty self-explanatory.  If you manage to split the uprights on the kickoff, it's worth a single point.

Here's a top-10 list of why this works on so many levels:

1.  Just like the concept of the 2 pt. conversion, it adds that additional element of scoring.  Especially in the case of a tight game in the closing seconds with a 1 pt. differential.  Contrarily, the only current option is the onside kick.

2.  You know when the defense gets tagged with a personal foul during a touchdown (unsportsmanlike conduct, unnecessary roughness, giving the "suck it" and so on)?  These fouls seem increasingly common.  Why?  Because the 15 yard penalty is always assessed on the following kick-off.  There's no automatic first down so the downside is marginal.  The kicker usually boots it out of the end zone regardless.  Consequently, it would give the kicker a more credible opportunity to score a lone point.   

3.  It expands the field.  Kickers almost always launch an angled, directional kick towards the right or left corner of the end zone.  Makes sense to me.  That way your special teams coverage team can narrow the lanes.  Kicks to the dead center are riskier because it opens up the entire field.  It gives the return man more options.  With great risk, comes great reward --- Thomas Jefferson  

4.  Fans, particularly Steelers fans, seem to have difficulty getting back to their seats for the start of the 3rd quarter.  Instead they prefer to argue with some douchebag about the messy ketchup dispenser.  Or maybe it was the asshole from Crafton who stole all the napkins.  He needed to wipe the crusted snot from his son's schnoz.  His child's affectionate nickname?  Yep, you guessed it.  "Booger."

This would ultimately give fans more of an incentive to be attentive. 

5. The cold weather angle.  A football usually travels further in warm weather, as opposed to cold outdoor stadiums.  I imagine this would give an advantage to the climate controlled domes and Southern cities.  Obviously, such a rule would favor the thin air of Denver and the teams who end up playing their yearly regular season game in Mexico City.  This brings another interesting variable into the game.  If anything, it makes for some tantalizing pregame banter, talking points and analysis.

6.  I like it.

7.  I love it.

8.  I want some more of it.

9.  Boink.  Doink.  Cunk.  Konk.  These are the most feared, distinctive sounds of the game.  It's not the violent grunts or the smash of helmets.  It's the consequential deflection off the uprights or the crossbar.  A 500 lb. female telemarketing guru once said... "You know you want it.  You know you can't have it.  Cuz it's good."  A sassy reference to the venerable meat curtains of her sprawling sexual chasm.  It's either in or out.  Bad or good.

Anytime a football hits the post, it's a good thing.  On the dome hockey table, we call it "postage due."

10.   Football can be a cruel game.  Especially when a team scores a touchdown at the end of the 4th and likely ties it up.  But then the kicker dude misses the extra point.  Sometimes it's not even his fault.  Maybe the kick got blocked or the snap was flubbed.  But the blame will always be on him.  And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance...

 to make everything copacetic.  Check out the mulletted meathead in the opening seconds.  I think wifebeater wants to go crowd surfing... but his buddies can't pull off the lift.

If you think any of this makes sense, check out my comprehensive guide to the NFL.
It's free.

Thursday, January 04, 2018

2018 NFL Playoff Bracket

Since I'm all about predictions (although admittedly, most of them are doomsday apocalyptic versions of Armageddon), I thought I'd fill out an NFL playoff bracket.  Replete with scores, commentary, jinsight and joughts.  That's Jewish for insight and thoughts.

Let's kick things off with the wildcard weekend.

Titans at Chiefs (-9), Over/Under 44

Gotta go with Andy Reid and the Chiefs at Arrowhead.  Home field advantage is big.  This 4:30 pm start will be cold and loud.  KC is finishing the season on a winning note, as opposed to the Titans, basically sneaking into the playoffs by default.  They just have more offensive weapons and defensive play makers.    

Chiefs 21
Titans 10

Falcons at Rams (-5), Over/Under 48.5

Looks like a shoot-out is in store.  Rams have looked strong at home in the half-empty Rose Bowl.  I suspect the bandwagon fans will venture to Pasadena in droves.  But most of these fans don't really care about the team.  They just want to be part of something, like porn stars, trying to make it big in the movie industry.  I think the Rams and their innocent head coach Sean McVay have had a good run.  But I also think they're one and done.  And kicking problems are never a good thing in the playoffs.  Falcons on the road in a heartbreaker.

Falcons 30
Rams 27

Bills at Jaguars (-7.5), Over/Under 39.5

The Bills backed their asses up... into the 6th wildcard seed.  In a way, they're the anal envy of the butt-implanted trophy wives of Orchard Park, and to a lesser extent Erie, Pennsylvania.  Will the injured, all purpose 50/50 Shady McCoy suit up for the game.  Of course he will.  If for no other reason, but to play the role of a bench decoy.  All the pressure's on Jax.  I expect Buffalo to keep it close in a grueling defensive struggle.

Jaguars 16
Bills 10

Panthers at Saints (-5.5), Over/Under 48

Ahh... the Drew Brees vs. Cam Newton show.  Since owner Jerry Richardson stepped down, the Panthers are literally a one man show.  That might work in Charlotte, but not in N'Awlins.  I think Brees lights it up in the dome.  Saints spread the ball around well and have too much offensive firepower.  The greater the number of points, the greater amount of drunken crowd noise.   

Saints 34
Panthers 21

So.... onto the divisional round and the predictive spreads.  All the home teams would be favored.

Atlanta Falcons at Philadelphia Eagles (-6)

Kansas City Chiefs at New England Patriots (-8)

Jacksonville Jaguars at Pittsburgh Steelers (-8)

New Orleans Saints at Minnesota Vikings (-2)

My predictions

Eagles 24
Falcons 23

Chiefs 21
Patriots 16

Steelers 27
Jaguars 13

Saints 26
Vikings 23

AFC Championship

Kansas City Chiefs at Pittsburgh Steelers  (-6)

Steelers 34
Chiefs 21

NFC Championship

New Orleans Saints at Philadelphia Eagles (-3.5)

Eagles 17
Saints 23

Super Bowl 52

Steelers 34
Saints 28

So... the major story lines. 

Belichick gets smoked in the divisional round.  If the Chiefs can get a couple turnovers and control the clock, I think this upset is very much in play.  The Patriots, aside from Brady and Gronk, just really don't have the talent anymore.  They have the requisite coaching, but the players on the field have the final say.

Drew Brees defies the critics and picks up a big, outdoor win in the cold of Lincoln Financial Field.  Remember, the kid used to play for Purdue. 

Everyone will be yapping about the potential for a turnpike Super Bowl.  But Sean Payton spoils the party.  And finally... it's the battle of the black and golds.  Roethlisberger gets the win, praises the lord and opts for retirement.  Antonio Brown the MVP.  And JuJu forms a  alliance with JewJew.