Monday, October 20, 2014

King Diamond Tea Party Rally (Pittsburgh 10-19-14)

If you go to one of those Tea Party gatherings, you'll likely run into a few weirdos.  Ted Nugent, Senator Cruz's dad, Sarah Palin and her kids (Trick, Treat, Track, Fig and Scrod).  Gotta love the trendy names for kids these days.  On a recent Maury Povich this mother was trying to establish paternity for her newborn baby girl "Arraya Sunshine."  Gigi exclaimed, "Ohhh, I kinda like that name" while I simultaneously puked in my own mouth (the distinctive taste of bleu cheese stuffed olive).

Speaking of more tasty cuisine (as opposed to bile and vomit) our crew dined on spaghetti with chicken meatballs, tossed salad and Italian bread.  The perfect dinner compliments of Gig.  Pam brought dessert.  When she walked in the door I blurted out, "There's no place I'd rather eat than Pamela's."  Granted, this was a reference to the diner in Millvale.  But it came across as a bit pseudo-sexual.  Pam would bail on the show.  I'm told she likes scary shit, but this may have a been a bit out her "range."

Anyway, we hit up the big King Diamond show at Stage AE around 7pm.  The parking lots were virtually deserted.  However, the venue was totally packed.  I'd guess a crowd of about 1,800 out of 2,000.  So where did all these people come from?  Gigi and I figured it out this morning.  They were staying at the downtown hotels and had walked to the venue.  The vast majority were from out of town.  We met people from Buffalo, Toronto, New York City and even a couple latino chicks from Nicaragua.  When I asked, "Oh you from Managua?" they got really excited.  It was a rare opportunity to show off my knowledge of Central American cities.  Seriously, not a lot of people know that Tegucigalpa is the capital of neighboring Hondurus.  And judging from last night's crowd, even fewer give a rat's ass.

Speaking of rats...

These were our props from last night.  The rat (bestowed with the name Templeton of Charlotte's Web origins), the inverted cross pumpkin and the mysteriously hanging candy bucket which I'll refer to as Caspar.  How original.  If you take a close look, you can see that Caspar is filled with tea bags.  But these were not your father's ordinary Lipton tea bags.  These were "limited edition" King Diamond tea bags.  Every tea bag was enscripted with an uplifting message.

Here were the last 4 out of around a hundred.  Circumcision, Steelers Suck, I HATE YOU and EBOLA.  Other notable ones included KITTERS, Grandma's Gunt, THEM, 666 Mutha Fucka, Help I'm trapped inside a tea factory,, and WWKDD.  Later that night we'd find one lying on the floor near the upstairs bar.  It had one of my made up words on it --- dominipede.

Distributing the tea bags was much more difficult than we had imagined.  You'd think a demonic crowd like this one would relish the Halloween experience.  But most were either indifferent or afraid.  People just don't have any inspiration these days.  They plod along like trained seals, staring into their cell phones.  Just zero creativity and a staunch desire to maintain personal isolation at all costs.  If you ask them to think outside the box, they reply, "Yeah, I've eaten at a Jack in the Box."  Sad.  Back in the day, people had a lot more enthusiasm.  U.S. government --- you've done a great job of marginalizing our collective humanity.  Mitch McConnell seems to have taken the lead on this. 

Him and this guy are distant cousins.

I can assure you... the latter individual is a superior approximation of the human race.

When I see Mitch's debilitating mug, it makes me reflect on King Diamond's facial journey.

Last night's show featured a more mature, sophisticated look.

Just for the record, I've seen the King three times.  All of them back in the late 1980's.  One time at the South Hills Theater in Pittsburgh.  A horrible thrash band named Exciter opened.  And twice at Bogart's in Cincinnati.  The first show at Bogart's was my favorite.  Flotsam and Jetsam opened up and rocked it out.  Me and my buddy Ed met the King backstage after the show.  He didn't have his make-up on.  He seemed completely drained and exhausted.  He asked us if we enjoyed the show, and my verbatim response.  "Yes, Mr. Diamond.  Very much so."  He then signed a fan club letter which I lost over the years.  I'd kill to find it, but I'm virtually positive it's gone.  At the second show, during the opening act (Armored Saint), a guy was karate kicked in the sternum and hit the floor like a ton of bricks.  I'm not completely sure, but I think it happened during the song Chemical Euphoria.  His assailant just wandered off.  This happened right outside the pit, directly in front of me.  The medics came and carted him away.  When the King later came on stage, he alternated with his patented low growl/shrill pitch --- "Whether you pray to a god below... OR ONE UP ABOVELet us all keep that poor man in our thoughts tonight."  This was one of the most bizarre moments of my life.  I surveyed the crowd and most people were just nodding in accordance.  Just plain bizarre.  We found out later that the kid died.  Not joking.  The Cincy news showed up after the show and I almost made it on tv for the 11 o'clock news.  But right as they cued my interview, someone shouted, "The King is ready to speak to the press."  The female reporter took off running and I was just left standing there with my dick in the wind. 

So how was the actual concert?  The show was good.  Very theatrical as expected.  
The first few songs were killers.  To our absolute delight, during Tea we saw two tea bags get thrown on stage.  I was unfamiliar with a few of the songs.  Family Ghost was an exceptional choice for an encore.  I probably would have thrown in "Abigail."  He might not be able to hit all those high notes like he used to.  Just for the record, he's 58.

You'll be pleased to know that he didn't smash this infant on the floor.  Instead, a seemingly 17-month pregger spewed a baby from her birth canal.  Every time she went to touch it, a plume of smoke emerged.  Then, the Ohio Valley's own Tommy D. wheeled out a casket for grandma.

All in all, an amusing night.  Not sure I totally "got it."  It has become increasingly difficult to fully ingest or digest the metal scene these days.  I was hoping that the old school crowd would have helped me navigate this perilous, eerie journey.  No such luck.

It is my sincerest hope that Mitch McConnell's wife reads this post and it leaves her in some kind of catatonic state just as her husband loses his Senate Minority seat.  

I do not want this guy to become Senate majority leader.  Is that really asking too much?  
Mitch McConnell???  This guy... this is not my kinda guy.

I'd much rather the ungodly man below represent my interests.  Oddly enough, I prefer him in the daylight.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Fleetwood Big Mac, Consol 5-Hour Energy

If you said, "Saf, you're an idiot.  You've never had a Big Mac?" (voice of astonishing bewilderment).

I would reply, "You may be correct.  I have a deep contempt for anything that resembles the appearance of Thousand Island dressing."  I'm assuming that's the gelatinous, vomitous-shite oozing from their sesame seed bun. 

The same thing's true for those liquified 5-hour gas station energy boosters.  I'm just not a big proponent or adherent of "trucker crack."

As I was saying, never eaten a Big Mac.  I've had most of the other stuff on the menu.  Not really, but enough to satiate my McCuriousity.  It's odd that I've never sampled their culinary flagship item.

I also don't care for pseudo-ephedrine.  We used to call them minithins.  Disgusting.  They burn your brains out while simultaneously making your dick shrink.  How on earth could this be a beneficial outcome?

End late night rant

If you made it through that discombobulated intro, you're probably more inclined to read my thoughts on the Fleetwood Mac show.  And just for the record... READ THE FAQ ,YOU FUCKING YINZER NEWBIE.  I've attended many demonic rock concerts and events of that ilk.  In fact, a crew of us are going to King Diamond at Stage AE on Sunday.  This ain't Burger King.  This is the king.

These two have more in common than you'd think.  Aside from the top hat, I can sense a little religious posturing.  Perhaps they're remote, distant relatives --- third cousins I reckon'.  Hard to believe that a heavy metal satanist would "make his bones" hailing from Scandinavia.  You wouldn't think his schtick wouldn't sell too well out Reyjkavik way.  Not sure if Stevie Nicks has ever visited  Denmark (which is generally considered agnostic/atheist territory).  Tonight, she yapped for a bit about living in San Fransisco.

Anyone remember when the South Park kids rescued a goat named "Stevie Nicks?"

It helped make sense of 9/11 and the war in Afghanistan.  Iraq... not so much.

In fact, I've seen the Big Macs a total of four times.  Hard to believe.

I'm at Gigi's house.  I don't have access to my ticket stubs.  But I'm almost positive the years are correct.

1997 - Starlake.  One of my absolute favorite concerts of all time.  I was in the back seat of Angie's blue Cavalier and she totally chunked (ran over) a monster dead deer in the middle of 22.  At the moment of impact, she screamed "Holy shit!  Hang on!"  She didn't have much of a choice.  We were briefly airborne.  Damn carcass came out of nowhere.  I'll never forget the ride up because I was complaining the whole way wondering... hey, why we didn't go Rt. 7.  Seriously, who the hell goes Rt. 2?  Unless you're hitting Drover's on the early side, I just don't see it.  Maybe takeout for the lot.  That would be a powerful statement --- a Drover's Starlake Mac Attack.  I'm also big on Dee Jays ribs - very high end Boogerstown cuisine.

2009 - Mellon (we call it Igloo).  Strong show.  Cold & windy as hell.  We met up with Nicki & Mike and had a mediocre dinner at a nearby hotel.  Neither of us were hungry.  I remember Gigi ordered some kind of potato-leek soup... just to make everyone feel warm and comfortable.  I vaguely recall drinking a Dewars and a Miller Lite.  Far less comforting.  We snagged 2 tickets for $20.  We weren't as adamant back then... regarding the Ann Landers freebie etiquette.  Ask nicely and be appreciative!  Ended up front row on the side.

2013 - Consol.  Fun one.  This time it was another total freebie.  In fact, I'm pretty sure we ended up on the + $ side.  And once again, front row side.  We likes the side of the stage.  The only thing better is "sidal nudity" (George Costanza).

2014 - Consol again.  So it was a good one.  We snagged one ticket off this guy who insisted I regale him with a "Let's Go... Mountaineers" chant.  Even though it's not part of my normal routine, I obliged him.  We scored that one around 7:45pm.  Things were getting a little dicey around 8:05pm.  After all, our last trip to Consol ended in tragedy.  So you can only imagine our collective trepidation.  But sure enough, some dude showed up and handed Gigi a freebie.  At first, we thought he was a Fleetwood Creeper*, but twas not the case.

*  I tried the mail order bride option... but to no avail.  I'll give you my extra ticket if you sit with me and let me tell you how I want to lick your shin and towards the end of the night... possibly calf or thigh.

We ended up hanging in the First Niagara Club overhang.  I would call this particular section the "men's restroom box/utility closet/behind the sheer black curtain" zone."  And guess what, we like it.  Excellent side view of everything... stage, monitor and wide screen.  Plenty of room and far less stench than a famed Woodsdale establishment.  It's odd how people reject the spacious, hidden corridors.  Me personally --- oh yeah, I prefer the madness of random weirdos and the smooshing of neighborly gock and the cramming of mysterious gunt.  But don't sweat it.  We ended up heading down to the Lower-Upper St. Clair $170 seats for the encore segment.

Sooooo.  My thoughts on the concert.  Very enjoyable.  I really liked The Chain > You Make Loving Fun opener.  Another highlight was the extended Gold Dust Woman.  But Gypsy was the big winner. 

I thought Buckingham was a little melodramatic... but then again, that's part of his charm.  Should probably consider omitting Big Love from the setlist.   Time to give it a rest.  Christie McVie is an incomprehensible bad ass.  Reminds me of Tom Araya from Slayer - another consummate professional.  She doesn't even have to try.  It just comes naturally.  All in all, I'd say it was a "heartfelt" show.

Great setlist:

  1. (Lindsey solo, acoustic)
  2. (Lindsey solo, acoustic)
  3. Encore:
  4. (Mick drum solo)
  5. Encore 2:

Next up:  King Diamond > Steelers/Texans MNF. 

Many people ask,  "WWJD?"  I say fuck that.  I ask, "WWKDD?" 

Also... what would Jack Lambert do?  WWJLD.

These are valid questions for any aspiring politician.

Ask Tennant.  Ask Capito.  Just do it.  Election day will soon be upon us!