Gonzaga has gonorrhea: "Gonzagarrhea Feevah"

Gig and I zipped over to Consol for a little March Madness.  I made a truly ghetto sign:

GONZAGA SUCKS:

I NEED A

FREE TICKET

The famed parking lot of the Moops had a chain up.  Perhaps they were thinking the church lot would be overrun with rowdy Mountaineer tailgaters.  Hillbillies urinating all over the anointed property.

Question: Is it ever acceptable to piss on church grounds?
Answer: Yes, if there's a sporting event or concert within a 1/4 mile proximity.  From what I understand, that's the rule.

We saw this card table set up on the corner.  Ka-Pow!  Free pizza.  A committed team from Pizza Hut was giving away promotional za (that's scrabble for pizza).  There are limited times when it's okay to use the word "za."  The Scary Spice woman would use the term zig a zig "za" at the conclusion of their hit song "Wannabe."  This brings me to a bizarre observation a few of us made back in the mid 90's.  At the 2:49 mark of that music video, there's this bizarre androgynous character in the background.  Configured and dressed like a man, it shakes and gestures (hair flip) like a woman. We spent the better part of a day speculating on "what it was."  Things grew a bit hostile when there was no consensus.  Now I reflect back with almost 20 years of wisdom under my belt.  I'm pretty sure it was a transgendered individual.  For some reason, that possibility never occurred.  Maybe nowadays, with a broader acceptance of the LGBT community under the Obama administration, these situations are easier to assess.

Hard to believe the Spice Girls rose to fame in 1996.  That's over 15 fuckin' years ago.  Where has the time gone?  I actually watched some of the Spice Girls movie called "Spiceworld."  From what I recollect, it was unusually bad.  The five girls and their manager play some kind of endless hide'n'go seek game with the European paparazzi.   Many people have asked me, "Saf, who's your least favorite Spice girl?"  Hands down, it's Sporty Spice.  In fact, I'll rank them from least to most offensive.

Baby, Red-headed cloved-woman whose name alludes me, Scary, Posh and Sporty.

Back to the free pizza.  Any time a group of rogue Pizza Hut employees give away free food, they should be collectively labeled as "pizza butts."  Think of it as a term of endearment in the competitive, overly saturated pizza market. 

We were pretty much high'n'dry on the ticket quest.  Tons of tickets but nobody seemed willing to give any away.  Hard to figure.  But there was plenty of action.  We finally secured 2 freebies from this fast moving dude.  His friends saw my sign and he did a quick hand-off.  I tried to shake his hand and express some appreciation, but this guy wasn't seeking any accolades.  Either way, Ka-Blam!  2 free $70 upper level tix.  Section 234, Row N.  We ventured to the seats and they were pretty high up.  With the proximity to the overhead lighting, it had this dizzying, unbalancing effect.  So we ventured to the lower level.  Even though there were plenty of open seats, we should have been a little more aggressive.  Instead, we were way too nonchalant.  The usher sensed our lack of resolve and gave us a professional "scram, beat it, get lost" routine.  So we watched the rest of the first half from the dry/wet bar concourse overhang.  It's odd how they don't sell alcohol during NCAA tournament games.  I understand when it's in a university setting.  But c'mon, man!  It's a neutral location, an older crowd and people have spent a shitload of money traveling to the game, accommodations, etc.  You'd think they'd ease up a bit.  No big deal though.  Not like we enjoy spending 8 bucks for a luke-cold Bud Light draft.  Instead we split a $4.50 Dr. Pepper.  Huzzah.

So we snagged some seats behind the hoop and watched the rest of the debacle.

Gonzaga - 77
West Virginia - 54

With the exception of the 100 or so Gonzaga fans that made the trek from Spokane, Washington, the entire arena was lifeless.  I have never seen such a despondent WVU crowd.  No enthusiasm whatsoever.  The arena had this morgue-like atmosphere.  Well, except for Huggy Bear who took on the persona of a belligerent mortician.  Seriously, what a disaster.  Kind of figures that my first real exposure to March Madness was lackluster.  I'm  just not a big basketball fan.   When I was a little kid, I always rooted for the Milwaukee Bucks (Sidney Moncrief, Alton Lister, etc.).  I have no idea why they appealed to my 6th grade sensibilities.

I think back about last night and realize I should have been pulling for Gonzaga.  You see... back in the Oglebay Village era, there was this youthful, exuberant whippersnapper named Dunkle.  Dunkle lived for March Madness.  He often spoke of GONZAGAAAA (invoking their name like Mel Gibson in Braveheart...  FREEEEDOMMMM).  I learned a lot from this man.  He explained that when making your picks, you must acknowledge something called the "thug factor."  You see... a team like Cincinnati is centered around thuggery.  The players take on the disposition of the city.  Rape, murder, pillage, plunder, and various rap around acts of beatdown.  Whereas a team like Vermont is a bunch of tall, scraggly whiteys.  When it comes to basketball, you go with the urban hoods any day of the week.  Not the granola munching, bearded environmentalists.  Dunkle also had an affinity for Xavier, although this had more to do with some kind of maniacal "chat room" identity.  He would refer to himself as "Xavier guest" claiming it had this potential ethnic allure.  Regardless, I took Xavier to win it all this year on my NCAA bracket.  How's that for a long shot?

As the game concluded, most of the somber WV-logo clad Mountaineer fans exited their seats.  Even the Mountaineer mascot seemed humiliated.  A mammoth-bearded ginger.  Maybe we need a celebrity like Seth Rogan to take his place.  Maintain that same spirited outlook, but shoot for a more fuzzy, comedic approach.  Having been trounced by 23 points, we need to try something new, something different (think venerable telemarketer Ted Robinson from my last blog as he pushed the fruit syrups).

We watched the OSU-Loyola warm ups.  The arena finally got some decent energy going.  Specifically, the OSU band and their mascot Brutus Buckeye.

It's tough to inspire passion and aggression among your fan base when your mascot is "rounded."  It's always better to go with sharp edges, pointy talons, beaks... not something that reminds you of Ovaltine or bedtime cocoa.  Whenever you see that Connecticut Huskies mascot walking around the endzone at Mountaineer Field, he just looks lost and confused.  The fact that the score is 57-14 doesn't help matters either.

But the Brutus mascot was completely bad ass.  Lots of defiant strutting and vintage Janet Jackson-like dance moves.  Brutus was in control.  Firm, proud buttocks (Monte Burns) with the energy of a zestfully clean soap commercial.

We stuck around for about 10 minutes and then decided to bolt.  On our way out, a drunken under-21 Loyola fan was pitifully sobbing.  She had just been ejected from the arena.  Trying to beg and bargain with security, they were not going to relent.  But it was all about the friend who accompanied her.  He was totally fucking jacked.  Seems like he was chosen to escort her out and make sure she was okay.  He was pissed off.  He screamed at the security (I hate you, you ruined my life), but much to his credit, no profanity in keeping with his loyal Jesuit background.  He was the dutiful 19 year old babysitter.

Granted, two minor blunders.  My sign should have said "Gonzaga has gonorrhea" and I should have commented when security frisked me.  Have you seen the South Park season premiere?  I think the TSA spoof on South Park Wednesday night set a new standard for humanity at large.  Whenever anyone gets patted down at a Steelers game or Starlake concert, I think everyone standing in line needs to say, "Don't worry sir, they just needs to check yer asshole."  This episode isn't the greatest, but at the 9:20 minute mark, the Toilet Safety Administration forges into uncharted (toilet) water in the scene at IHOP.  Everyone needs to get on board with this, especially at the airport.  I could actually envision some future incidents where TSA screeners hear the word "asshole" and go ballistic.  Just another case of art mimicking reality.

Benny Hinn is back in Pittsburgh: July 19-20, 2012

If you ever had any doubts, this pretty much sums it up.  Just click and watch... as the bodies hit the floor.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lvU-DislkI

Benny Hinn is returning to Pittsburgh this summer at a location TBD.  Why does the world's wealthiest televangelist feel so compelled to come to the Steel City?  I've often wondered this.  So I did a little research.  Turns out that Benny Hinn discovered his calling back in of all places... Castle Shannon.  That's equidistant between Mt. Lebanon and Dormont.  During a trek from Toronto, Canada to Pittsburgh back in 1973... this is where Hinn derived his "hinnspiration" and I suspect gained an appreciation for the tricks of the trade.  He witnessed a healing service delivered by one of the famed founding mothers of modern-day televangelism.  Her name: Kathryn Kuhlman.  She died in 1976. 

10 years later in 1983, Toufik Benedictus Hinn (that's his real name) set up shop in Orlando, FL.  Hell, learning how to manipulate the terminally ill and incomprehensibly naive is not a skill one acquires overnight.  It takes years of practice and refinement.  In his case, it took him a decade to get the cross rolling. 

Perhaps Benny is sensing his own mortality and yearns to revisit his healing roots.  Castle Shannon's First Presbyterian Church is where Kuhlman used to host her crusades.  These days it's probably ill-equipped to handle a religious, elderly procession of people confined to wheelchairs.  Aside from the hilly terrain, I doubt there's ample neighborhood parking or much in the way of handicapped accessibility.  Maybe that's why he scheduled his last visit (which was abruptly canceled - who knows why) for nearby Soldiers and Sailors Hall on the University of Pittsburgh campus.

My point - I am going to take action.  I will try my best to get this nonsense eradicated from Pittsburgh, once and for all.  Once I find out where this monetary extraction event and "fake healer" (killer song by Metal Church-1990) is setting up shop,  I will make an effort to bring it crashing down (preferably, in metaphorical flames).  Either that, or I will try and get another protest going.  Hell, it "worked" 9 years ago at Mellon Arena.  Why not give it another shot?  The cause is legit.  So this time we'll try something a little different.  I'm reminded of the legendary telemarketer Ted Robinson from the West Virginia Troopers Association circa mid-1990's.  In a gruff, husky voice, he would pitch all the gift assortments:  the jellies and preserves, the steak sauces and seasonings, the mustards and the salad dressings.  But in that tainted organization's final year (before it was shut down by the state attorney general), he would push the much heralded "fruit syrups."

Ted Robinson (with a suggestive allure): Yes Ma'am.  You've tried the jellies.  Hmmm, you've had the meat sauces too.  That's good.  Well, we've got something new this year.  There's something new.  It's a little unusual.  It's a little different.  Uhhh.  It's uhh.. well... uhhh.  (suddenly with this loud, barking voice)  WE CALL IT... FRUIT SYRUPS!  YES MA'AM.  FRUIT SYRUPS.  WE CALL THEM FRUIT SYRUPS.  THEY ARE... uhhh, THEY ARE... uhhh GOOD!  STRAWBERRY, BLACKBERRY, CHERRY, uhhh BLUEBERRY, APRICOT and uhhh... let me see here... uhhh PLUM!  (instantly followed up with) Can we count on you?

Old lady (in a frail voice): "I don't think we can afford it this year.  We're trying to cut back."

Ted Robinson:  OKAY.  THANK YOU. (but he responded so abruptly it actually sounded like he said "OKAY.  FUCK YOU.")

It was his bold, methodical manner... the booming inflection... the haunting, teasing delivery.  This is what made Ted Robinson a top salesman for the ill-fated Bears Against Drug Program.  Every once in a blue moon, you'll see one of those faded promotional bumper stickers on the back of a Buick LeSabre.  If only those $39.99 gift boxes could talk.  Ohh, the stories they'd tell.

Alright, back to the Benny Hinn fuck.  I'm going to try and enlist the help of my favorite twin twosome in Eastern Ohio.... the Chrisagii !!  That's a well-deserved dual exclamation point.  They don't care for this charlatan either.  At least that's what they've told me in the past.  And if you can't take Brian and Shawn at their word, you can't trust nobody.  Our goal will be to shine a light of purity and invoke the true gospel.  But how will we do it?

Well, I had a vision this afternoon.  I'll admit that strange scenarios pop into my head from time to time.  But this one isn't something I'd normally conjure up.  So here's the plan.  First off, I must convince the Chrisagii to assist.  I have a hunch they'll be on board.  They find Benny Hinn about as morally repugnant as I do.  And with them it hits even closer to home.

I want to set up a puppet show outside the Benny Hinn miracle crusade.  It'll be something along the lines of a makeshift, reinforced cardboard refrigerator box.  Low hassle, easy up, quick tear down.  I want Brain and Shawn and perhaps a couple others to make sock puppets.  The feature characters will include a sock-suited Benny Hinn and some of his devoted followers in desperate need of a healing.  Each sock-ensconced person will have their ailments miraculously cured.  Sock puppets will arise from the confines of their miniature wheelchairs.  Sock puppets will be cured of heart murmurs, cancer and arthritis.  Sock puppets will be shaking violently and speaking in tongues.  Sock puppets will be falling down as their sock-like bodies hit the floor.  It will be glorious.

Jenn D., Jepsonian and I did something similar at a WWE event at the Wheeling Civic Center back around the turn of the century.  We made a variety of "socko puppets."  It was a gesture of misguided allegiance to our wrestling hero Mankind.  Objectively speaking, I'd say the earlier sock puppet endeavor was "semi-festive." At least I thought so.

So rather than engaging in another stale, Occupy-Benny Hinn protest (like the one described in the 7th chapter of my odd-oh biography), we will protest with puppets.  Perhaps we can get a WPXI reporter at the scene to document this unusual event.  I may have to call in the cavalry.

When you have the Chrisagis Brothers Ministry offering REAL contrasts with  Benny Hinn's monster Empire of Salvation... well let's just say the results could prove interesting.  I believe a short film or video depicting the contrary juxtapositions could achieve the same critical acclaim afforded to the recent Joseph Kone (Ugandan warlord) video.  Think about it.

1) Benny Hinn's net worth has been estimated at roughly 1 billion.  The Chrisagii operate on a shoestring budget.
2) Benny Hinn travels the world on his own corporate jet.  The Chrisagii have an old Chevy Cavalier.
3) Benny Hinn is sheltered by a massive security entourage.  The Chrisagii walk freely amongst the commoners at Bob Evans.
4) Benny Hinn has estates in Florida, Texas and California.  The Chrisagii have a modest house in Yorkville, Ohio.
5) Benny Hinn wears these Louis Vuitton designer suits and shops on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills.  The Chrisagii have a more dated, 1970's Bee Gee's wardrobe.  Tight jeans and button down shirts that reveal a modicum of dark chestal hair. 
6) Benny Hinn has a massive cable presence across the planet.  The Chrisagii have some music videos they've uploaded to youtube.

I could list another 50, but the battery power on this laptop is down to 8%.   Gotta wrap things up.

But it all comes down to TRUTH and HONESTY.
Benny Hinn is evil scum.  The number of victims he has defrauded is unfathomable.  Simply stated, he is the religious equivalent of Bernie Madoff.
The Chrisagii have hearts of gold.  They are completely sincere.  They fervently try to spread joy and love; whereas Pastor Benny leaves nothing other than a trail of pain and misery.  Benny Hinn is the embodiment of the dark side as clearly illustrated in this video.

This whole puppet show idea is a work-in progress but believe me when I say...
As Benny Hinn approaches his final years on this planet, there will be a cycle of justice.  You have my word.  He has made a financial decision to come to Pittsburgh this summer.  I have made a moral determination to do something about it.

Jeremy Kyle: the all-time worst talk show host

Right before the Maury Povich show comes on, there's this scrappy Brit in the 4 o'clock time slot.  He used to have his very own talk show just a hop across the pond in merry-old England.   But last year, he ventured to the states.  I suppose America was due.  To be honest, our country deserves this pretentious male cunt.  His name... Jeremy Kyle.

So who exactly is this miniscule buffoon?  He bares a faint resemblance to former Prime Minister Tony Blair.  But in reality, he's more of a European, sniveling weasel.  Kind of a pompous rodent.  Somehow he encompasses just about every emotion.  Coy, chivalrous, disarming, predictable, annoying, bombastic, threatening, judgmental, the list goes on...  At least with Maury, you know exactly what you're getting.  With Jeremy Kyle, it's really hard to explain.

He just has this odd penchant for using these egregious, hackneyed lines at every available opportunity.   Let's evaluate a few of his favorite "catch phrases."

Before I do that, I must comment on his musical intro.  It sounds like the refrain of Kool and the Gang's "Celebration."  But trust me, good times will not to be had.

Jeremy enjoys ridiculing men who recklessly procreate.  What's crazy is how he calmly welcomes them to the set and then tears into them.

Jeremy Kyle: "Let's have a warm welcome for LeRoy.  LeRoy, it's great to see you.  Thanks for coming.  Everyone give a round of applause for our friend LeRoy."  Then, just as the guy takes his seat, Kyle goes on the immediate offensive.  He gets right up in his grill, "Well LeRoy, you must be pretty proud of yourself.  It would appear you have 4 different babies by 3 different lassies.  So let me ask a simple question, "Why can't you keep it in your TROUSERS?"

LeRoy: "Uhhh, I don't know man. Cuz it feels good I guess."

Jeremy Kyle: "Ohhh!  You say it feels good!  That's just grand!"  (then he'll hover above the guy trying to appear dominant but at the same time declaratively whisper) "Well here's an idea." (suddenly he launches into a tirade and shouts) "Why don't you put a wrapper on your doodlesnicker!!!" 

Most of the shows deal with guests who abuse drugs and alcohol.  These are recurring themes.  But I get the strange impression that our host is a complete straight edge.  From what I can surmise, he's never smoked a joint or even had a cigarette.  This "goody-two-shoes superiority" is part of his routine strategy.  Ridicule them for their drug or alcohol dependency and then immediately turn compassionate (on a fucking dime, I might add).  But once again, it's his unique verbiage...

Jeremy Kyle:  (softly) "well... well... well...  Tameka, you haven't seen your three kids in a year.  That's truly a shame."

Tameka:  "It ain't my fault.  They took 'em away from me."

Jeremy Kyle:  "Well little lady (Tameka is actually a 320 lb. behemoth), maybe it's because you're taking the cocaine and using all those other dirrrty drugs!"  Tameka tries to stand up and confront him but she's immediately accosted by two hulking security guards.  Kyle timidly stands behind the two of them while heaving his chest, "Listen up, you!  Now park your BACKSIDE in that chair!"

Tameka:  "No, you listen to me!"

Jeremy Kyle: "NO YOUNG LADY!  YOU LISTEN TO ME!  For the last time, WILL YOU TAKE THE DRUGS TEST?"

Just an aside, in Jeremy Kyle-language people don't simply "snort coke" or "pop pills" or "smoke pot."  In his mind, it sounds better if they "do the cocaine" or "use the marijuana" or "ingest the pills." And it's never called a drug test.  For some bizarre reason, it's plural.  It's always a "drugs test."

But our beloved Kyle really tries to steal the spotlight with paternity testing.  This is blatant thievery.  I hate it when some douchebag bandwagoner comes along and tries to outdo Maury.

Jeremy Kyle:  (in a calm, rational voice)  "So we administered a paternity test to determine once and for all if Puffy-J is the father of that adorable young chap.  Uhhh Puffy-J, can you turn your head to the monitor behind you Puffy-J?  (he slowly advances, casually waving the envelope)  I have the final result.  Hmmm, how about that?  Well... well... well... Puffy-J, do you see that young boy?  Well guess what?  (in a hauntingly disturbed British Darth Vader voice) YOUR HIS FATHER!!!

So what's my purpose here?  I've decided to finally rank the all-time worst (by "worst" I mean annoying.  Maury isn't annoying, he's actually quite brilliant) 5 talk show hosts.  It's in ascending order.  And without further ado, here it is!  Drum roll please...

5. Steve Wilkos (former Springer security.  Very uninspired, stale routine - bring out the pimp and threaten to beat him up.  Doesn't let him talk.  Then kicks him off the stage.)
4. Ricki Lake (tells everyone that has unprotected sex that they're going to get AIDS)
3. Tempest Bledsoe (tried to parlay Cosby fame.  Very annoying with horrific hairdo)
2. Sally Jesse Raphael (my arch nemesis.  Kind of like a pasty Dionne Warwick)
1. Jeremy Kyle

sociopolitical experiment

Rick Santorum will be spreading "something" when he visits the Steubenville Big Red High School gymnasium on the eve of Super Tuesday.   That "something" will likely be a victory speech regardless of whether he wins or finishes a close second.

So what would happen if I wore this Obama for President ball cap to a Rick Santorum Super Tuesday "victory" rally?

Would they even let me in the door?   Would they force me to remove the ball cap (like Elaine's Baltimore Orioles cap she sported at Yankee Stadium in the George Steinbrenner seats)?  Would they make me turn it inside out?  Would they deny me entry based on their "concern for my personal safety?"  Would I be required to show a photo ID to attend a free, public political event in the United States of America?  Would I be forced to answer a bunch of questions?  Would they expressly prohibit me from being interviewed or within view of the cameras? 

Seriously, what exactly would happen to me?  Would I get beat up by a bunch of old white men/Tea Party activists?  Would a mob of girl-scout aged Santorum supporters heckle me and kick me in the shins?  I honestly don't have a clue.

When I went to the Sarah Palin speech at Brush Run Park in St. Clairsville (2008) they had a very strict "no sign" policy.  All homemade signs had to be forfeited at the entry point.  Then of course, you were handed a mass produced red, white and blue 8.5" by 12" COUNTRY FIRST sign.  How awe-inspiring was that?  But this isn't even a sign.  It's just a ball cap.  I saw far worse at the recent Arizona debate.  Outside the auditorium in Mesa, the CNN camera zoomed in on a guy holding a "Spreading Santorum sign" which visibly stated the words "fecal matter."  And how about all those Phish heads that hold up "Fluffhead" signs at political rallies? 

And what if a bunch of us went?  Let's say I had an Obama ball cap.  Another person had a Mitt Romney ball cap.  And another person had a Ron Paul ball cap?  Hell, maybe even throw in a Tim Pawlenty one.  Talk about an ebay auction close-out item.  Jesus Christ!  50 Pawlenty hats for $10.00.  That's way worse than those New England Patriot 2012 Superbowl Champions t-shirts worn by everyone in Central America, and to a lesser extent, Ghana.

Just for the record, I've never worn this ball cap in public.  I found it at Wheeling Jesuit University's outdoor track in 2008.  It was hanging on a fence.  I brought it home and threw it in the washing machine.

If I go through with this experiment, I won't be doing anything to cause trouble.  No other propaganda whatsoever.  I'll only be wearing the hat.  My other attire will be pretty basic.  Just the standard blue jeans and a polo shirt.  I won't be throwing on one of those multi-colored end zone Jesus afro wigs.  I'll just be my normal, bland self.

Bank of America - Pink's Hot Dog commercial

I'm sure most people wouldn't give it a second thought, but this has got to be the most smarmy, disingenuous, deceptive commercial I've ever seen.  These are the overriding characteristics of the new Bank of America ad.  It truly exemplifies their evil brilliance.  Judge for yourself.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8EsSmfEF3o

I feel uniquely qualified in all matters B of A.  Why?  Because that noble institution holds my mortgage.  Well, not at first.  I originally had my home loan with Etrade Financial (before the talking babies).  Then it made its way to Countrywide (you may recall their stellar reputation).  And from there on, it was eventually acquired by the hometown folks of B & A.  The entire process was likely more bundled than a frigid, burka-clad Afghan girl in Mazar E Sharif.

I remember this one time when my payment was a couple days late.  I was immediately bombarded with telemarketing calls.  And the calls were nonstop.  Nothing pisses you off more than seeing an 866 number register on your cell phone.  Then, you answer the phone and there's complete silence for about 8 seconds.  Suddenly, a guy who sounds like he's from a call center in New Dehli enters the fray.  If you thought his name was Raghib or Harish, you'd be sadly mistaken.  He identifies himself as Joe Hanson and immediately asks for my social security number.  I'm reluctant to offer any information.  But he desperately needs to verify my identity or the call can't proceed.  Keep in mind that they are the ones who called me.  I try to explain that my payment is late, but it's in the mail.  But he does not care.  The only thing this guy wants is my SS# so he can continue the scripted pitch.  I get annoyed with the process and hang up.  Sure enough, another 2 hours passes and rest assured, it's B of A again.  Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel.  In this case, it's Same B of A call, different Indian male telemarketer.  And the same vexing conundrum awaits.  I'm still reluctant to divulge my info.  This process goes on for a few days until they get the check.  It's about 5 or 6 calls per day.  

So yeah, I'm intimately acquainted with this venerable banking institution and all their fine work.  But it's these inane commercials that really get my blood boiling.   If it's not the insurance companies, it's the banks.  And like a "good neighbor," they are here to lend a "helping hand."  How the fuck can they still peddle this shit?  It's 2012 for Christ sake!  Do people still succumb to this blatant level of bullshit?

Alright, so I watched the Pink's Hot Dog commercial and noticed a few things.  First and foremost, the guy's parents approached Bank of America with an idea for a new business.  They didn't have anything but a hot dog cart on a busy street corner.  Fortunately, the banker admired their "enthusiasm" and decided to take "a chance!"  They were "worth" the "risk."  He loaned them $4,000 and that got the ball rolling.  Call me naive, but I don't think it works like that.  The more likely scenario, he reported them to the city health inspector and tried to shake down Betty Pink and gramps with some kind of "hot dog excise tax" or "bun splitting tariff."

And you've got love how the current owners (the Pink family) are besieged with autograph requests.   They just cannot believe that people want them to pose for a picture.  I've got admit, nothing would be more gratifying than a signed portrait of me and Richard Pink... hanging above my downstairs toilet.  Next up on my bucket list, a picture of me with Ray Inari (billionaire CEO of Occidental Petroleum) in the foosball room.

Bank of America is obviously looking for some image rehabilitation following the 2008 bank bailouts.   It's about time!  So they go with the hot dog approach.  Think about it for a second.  Is this "Pink hot dog" thing a coincidence?  I don't think so.

A.  Hot dogs are the favored cuisine of the ballpark - intrinsically linked to baseball (America's great pastime).  B of A literally oozes small town patriotism.  Yeah, right?  Aren't these the same assholes that foreclosed on a bunch of military families?  Aren't these the same fuckheads that hit you up with all kinds of hidden fees and debit surcharges?

B.  Pink - the color of breast cancer awareness.  I don't think the humanizing, sympathetic angle was an accident either.  Yes, I am that cynical.

Why not just have Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan and the whole Palin family enjoying a trip to Pink's?  Maybe he could splurge and treat the whole fam.  But hold the phone.  His 2011 compensation wasn't even a million.  It was only $950,000.  Wait a minute.  That's his base salary.  I forgot about his stock options and bonus package. But I do like how the Board of Directors keeps it below the vaunted million mark.  See?  Bank see-e-oh's aren't really that wealthy.  They're just regular, normal people... much like the Pink family.

Still, he could probably afford to feed the Palinites.  Maybe they should name a dog after each kid:

The Bristol Dog
The Trig Dog
The Track Dog
The Willow Dog
The Piper Dog

For some reason, this seems to make sense.  Don't ask for an explanation though.  Just trust me.  This will happen before you die.

And I just checked the Pink's menu.

Here are 4 of the stand-outs:

Three Dog Night - 3 hot dogs, wrapped in a giant tortilla, 3 slices of cheese, 3 slices of bacon, chili & onions $7.95.  Honestly, who the fuck would order this, let alone consume it?  

Rosie O'Donnel Long Island Dog - About 15 years ago I saw this portly woman at Drover's sporting a Rosie O'Donnell backpatch on her jean jacket.  I casually mentioned how I wasn't a fan and she took great offense.  Seriously, she got all up in my grill and was fuming, "Who the hell asked you, asshole!"  I quietly apologized.  That lesbianic militant served me up a well-deserved, monster gulp of "shut your fucking face."

Martha Stewart Dog - Yes!  A hot dog named after a home decor expert that pilfered $65,000 in an high stakes, insider trading scam.  Here's a thought - don't market a product around the concept of opening your mouth, especially if you should have kept your mouth shut in the first place.

America the Beautiful Dog - $7.10.  And that doesn't even include tax.  This item is well versed in the patriotic inspiration of lips and assholes.  It's rumored that when the Pink family opens a new location in Pittsburgh, they'll rename it the Santorum Dog.  In Utah, it's the Romney Dog (literally named after the terrified family dog that rides in the cargo carrier on top his SUV for the 8 hour trek to the Grand Canyon).

And how about the suggested hour-and-a-half wait in line.  We had so much fun in line!  That young couple was spotted kissing while they waited.  That was the greatest part of the chili dog experience!  Personally, I prefer the Soup Nazi's approach when handling overzealous, romantic couples.  "Nobody kisses in my line!" (Yev Kassem)

We could use a Pink's Hot Dog in Wheeling.  Oops, I forgot.  We already got Louis (pronounced Lew-eeees) Hot Dog in the Elm Terrace shopping plaza.  Gig and I went to eat there one time.  We were taken aback by something I termed "the hoisting of the dogs."  Not to be confused with the "running of the bulls."  As we approached the counter, we looked deep into each others eyes.

"I don't want to be here."
She replied, "Eric, let's get out of here." 

And that's all I have to say about that (Forrest Gump).

Santorum: Heeee's Back!!! (in Steubenville, OH for Super Tuesday)

Would I prefer to see Jack Nicholson?  Yep.  Will I settle for Rick Santorum?  Yep.

Believe it or not, I already went to see Rick Santorum.  Nope... not his recent Feb. 20, 2012 visit to Froelich's Corner Market in Steubenville.  I went to his Wheeling appearance on July 19, 2011 at the Capitol Music Hall ballroom.  Rick made a pleasant luncheon stop in an event sponsored by the local "young" Republicans Club.  I'd say about 150 people showed up.  The crowd was heavily dominated by old timers and hardcore Republican political aspirants.  So it really wasn't that youthful.  Nonetheless, they put out a nice, complimentary spread.  Ham, turkey and roast beef croissants, vegetable/desert trays and some kind of cream based soup.  Suffice to say, I feasted with reckless abandon.  I justified it by thinking... Well, if Santorum's going to try and "suckle at the billion dollar teet of the Nutting" then this non-kosher atheist Jew should be afforded a free ham and swiss sandwich.

And assuming there was a Q&A session, I even had my question ready:


"Mr. Santorum, you are widely regarded for your pro-life stance on abortion issues. Recently, you and 5 other Republican candidates signed the Susan B. Anthony Pledge which specifically calls for selecting only pro-life appointees to RELEVANT Cabinet positions. And you recently expressed dissatisfaction w/ Mitt Romney's decision to not sign the same pledge citing "It is incredibly disappointing that Gov. Romney chose not to defend those who cannot defend themselves."
 
"Based on Romney's refusal to sign this pledge, would that automatically disqualify him from consideration for a Cabinet or Executive Branch position in a Santorum administration? And furthermore, since you regard abortion as a moral issue... does his refusal to sign this pledge make him morally unfit to serve as President of the U.S.?"

I was curious to hear his response.  Wouldn't it have been funny if Santorum was good enough for Romney administration, but not vice-a-versa?  Seriously, I thought my question was strong.  And this was well before Santorum gained any national traction whatsoever.  Regrettably, I didn't get the chance to ask it.  Someone absorbed most of the allotted time with a critique of war-time spending in Iraq.  And that guy really liked to hear himself talk.

All in all, I thought Rick's speech was strong.  He was incredibly personal and focused.  He doesn't come across as Romnified (stiff, aloof and rehearsed).  Note to self: If I hear that "Oh beautiful, for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain" bit just one more time, I may have to kill myself.  Not the usual way either.  I will choose death by sliding down a razor banister while simultaneously chewing on tin foil (Ted Danson, early Cheers episode).  And Rick's content was strong too.  He didn't focus on social issues.  His speech was all about the economy and manufacturing.  And of course the prodigious hands of his grandfather as he lay motionless in a casket - a little bit creepy, but hey, it's Rick Santorum for Christ sake.  Seriously though, he knew how to connect with the audience.  Kudos.

So anyhoo, Santorum has decided to bless Northeastern Ohio with yet another campaign stop.  This one's on Super Tuesday though... so it's a pretty big deal.  Initial reports have him, his vest and his identical, macabre daughter coming to the Steubenville Big Red high school auditorium from between 4pm-10pm.  VERY COOL because I predict his campaign manager thinks this is the perfect spot for an Ohio victory speech.  And I would tend to concur.  It's as close to Pennsylvania as you can git!  Makes sense to me.  As of today, Santorum is actually up a few points in the Ohio polls.  Romney's feeling the heat and will be hitting the state of Ohio full throttle (that means 2 power stops - the first is a private, invite-only $20,000 dinner party at the lavish home of the Cincy Proctor and Gamble CEO and the other destination is at "who the fuck cares - it's Mitt Romney - shut your Mormon face - and while you're at it, go baptize some dead Holocaust victims").  Yep, that's the other place.  So it's doubtful I will be attending either of these.

But if Santorum wins the bell-weather/relatively putrified state of Ohio, I will attend his victory speech.  And I will be handing out FREE copies of my recent Sonofsantorum double cd.  I made it (in a drunken haze) the night he won the 3 Midwest primaries and caucuses (Colorado, Missouri and Minnesota).  I'm finally returning the favor for the free meal compliments of the Ohio County Young Republicans club.  I normally don't publish my sonofcd liner notes, but I'll make an exception... just this once.  Considering what's at stake (the most coveted leadership position on the planet earth), I believe it's appropriate.

Sonofsantorum (shit)

I have mixed emotions about Rick Santorum.  On social issues, he's pretty much the antithesis of my entire existence.  Yet I do admire the guy for campaigning relentlessly and believing in his cause.  Whether I like Rick or not is not really the issue.  I do admire his passion though. 
Technically speaking, anyone who has executed a google search knows that "santorum" is "the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex."  So let's divide this Sonofsantorum" cd into 2 distinct parts - the lighter stuff (the lube disc) and the heavier stuff (the fecal or shit disc).  Enjoy.

What better a way to open a sonofcd than with a bass solo from Metallica's Cliff Burton.  This is from the infamous "Day on the Green" show in 1985 Oakland, CA.   Sorry, I skipped the segue into "For Whom the Bell Tolls."

Instead, I went with the new Black Keys song "Lonely Boy."  Couldn't find a live version.

However, I did find this version of the Rolling Stones classic "Loving Cup" with Mick Jagger and special guest Jack White.  Short but sweet.

And of course, we'll follow it up with "Tumbling Dice" from one of the greatest classic rock bootlegs - 1973 (Brussels, Belgium).

This version of ZZ Top's "Gimme All Your Lovin" is a tribute to the recent Amish beard cuttings in Northeastern Ohio.  It's a little soundboardish but they're still trying to rock.  I give them an "E" for effort.  It's from 2011 -  Austin, Texas.

Here's some recent U2 from the summer of 2011.  Gig and I saw the Heinz Field show which was unusually strong.  Not sure where this version of "Even Better Than The Real Thing" is from, but it's cool because it's The Edge's IEM (in-ear-microphone).  Just something different.

REO Speedwagon's still haunting the county fair and casino junket, but here's a Westwood One national broadcast of "Don't Let Him Go" from 1990.  I really like the energized keyboard solo midway through.  

Remember Joe Satriani's megahit "Crush of Love."  Yep, I forgot all about it.  Here's a radio broadcast of the song from a San Fran benefit near the Golden Gate bridge.  The proceeds went to funding gay marriage ballot propositions 20 years later.  Who would have thunk it?  The song's cool but it kind of drags - Look at us, we are all guitar virtuosos.  Yeah, I get it. 

This is a bad ass cover of Cheap Trick's "Surrender" by my favorite exhibitionist/satanist.  Other than Marilyn Manson, I don't have many of those. 

This was just too bizarre not to throw in.  Helix (they're still around) playing "Rock You" in Peterborough, Ontario in 2011 at the Red Dog Tavern.  I like the prelude of the William Tell overture.  You rarely see that type of riskiness on the big stage.  Or in this case, a jammed 30x60 ft. stage in the corner of a bar.

A great cover of Zeppelin's "Good Times, Bad Times" by Nuclear Assault from 1989.  Not sure where it's from.  Not sure that it would matter.

My favorite REAL trash band (aside from Slayer).  Here's Vio-Lence playing "Kill on Command" from a reunion show in San Fransisco.  Slim's Bar circa 2001 is the setting for this intimate gathering of insanity.  Vio-Lence was easily among the greatest trash bands of the late 80's.  But nobody knew about them.  Now you know. 

I'm still disappointed the Steelers lost in the wildcard round.  I will express my disappointment with this absurdly disturbing cover of Sister Sledge's "We Are Family" performed by the Spice Girls at a 1999 show in London, England.  I wonder which one is blowing the whistle at the beginning?  My best guess is it's Sporty Spice because she always had this athletic/referee thing going on.  I like how one them yells, "Get up!  Last chance to party!!!"  So Saf, who was your favorite Spice Girl?  I find this question purposely misleading.  The correct phrasing... Saf, which Spice Girl do you find the least objectionable?  After a prolonged moment of contemplation... I'd have to say Baby Spice. 


 Sonofsantorum (lube)


The sonofsantorum lube side.  I'll probably take some heat for desecrating Santorum.  Seriously... the youngest child has that rare genetic disorder and she had some recent complications with pneumonia.  Why do I have this horrible hunch that I'll be distributing a bunch of copies just as her condition worsens?  I am honestly cognizant of this but gotta stick to a founding sonofcd principle - almost always go with your first hunch with regard to the naming process.  Believe me, it's all an unpleasant coincidence.   And I'm not like Led Zeppelin.  Led Zeppelin 1, Zeppelin 2, 3, 4... How uninspired is that?  Sonofsaf 1, Sonofsaf 2, Sonofsaf... 46 ???  DON'T GO THERE!

This version of Tony Bennett's "Steppin Out with My Baby" is BBA (beyond bad ass).   Not to be confused with BBO (beyond b.o. - George Costanza).  Fuck it --- this is from London, England on March 10, 2011.  It's his 85th birthday party for cryin' out loud!

And continuing right along with more that constitutes bad ass is this cover of the "Dukes of Hazzard" theme song.... by fucking Weezer.  Nobody can figure out it's them.  Gigi thought it was Creed or some Goo Goo Dolls shit.  Either way, the garage B-side demo-sound really lends itself.

I never heard "Portland, Oregon" by Loretta Lynn and Jack White until very recently.  Never even knew the song existed.  I tried to get the live version off Letterman but lacked the MP3 downloading skills.  Sucked.  I think this song would be a killer candidate for the Monday Night Football theme song.  This is not a joke.  You just sub in different lyrics for the two teams/cities.  I am not joking.  Get a different duo every week - they don't have to be musicians or singers.  Just men and women with historical ties to the city.  It'd be sick.  Regardless, thank god Hank Williams Jr. is out of the mix.  What an annoyance... and his intro sucked, too.

Gigi and like Kanye's "Flashing Lights."  Well... she doesn't like the lights or the flashing part, but we both like the song.  This one's from the VH1 Storytellers program.  Interesting, but it drags a little bit when he gives his "be all you can be" speech.  I don't know specifically what he was saying.  I blocked most of it out.

John Lennon - Mind Games demo. 

Here's a pleasant version of "Faithfully."  Beware!  You may relentlessly swoon.  Seriously, I'm not sure if it's Steve Perry or the little Asian dude.  Hard to tell them apart.  The sound quality is exceptionally strong, so my best guess is the Asian guy.  In which case, it's probably from 2011.

"Second that Emotion" is easily my favorite JGB cover.   Jerry and Bob played it on Letterman back in 1989.  That was the version I wanted.  I huffed... and I puffed.... and I searched on the internet machine, but it just wasn't meant to be.  So be it.  Here's a live version from a boot called Shining Star.

I threw that Spice Girls' rendition of "We are Family" on the "shit" side of sonofsantorum.  So here's the real thing.  Much better.  Although I would prefer it if people call Sister Sledge... Sister Sludge.  A variation of Rusted Root... Rusted Soot.

We must continue this funk vibe.   Kool and The Gang!  A strong version of "Ladies Night."  Why didn't I choose the more popular "Celebration?"  At this moment in time, I do not feel like celebrating.  Regardless, this is from Montreux, Switzerland - 2009.  Fun fact - my parents got married in Bern, Switzerland while my father was serving in Korea. 

I think this is pretty cool.  Prince comes out on stage during Sheila E's opener set at the Orange Bowl in Miami.  Think about it.  It's the height of the 1985 Purple Rain tour.  Ray Lewis was just pre-pubescent purple teen.  Anyhoo, they play "Erotic City."  Great tune.  I like the tinny, unified audience screams too.  Annoying?  Yeah, sure it is... but very common on mid-80's boots.  You shalt embrace the learning curve of internet bootleg subculture. 

Christopher Cross sings "Ride Like The Wind" in Mons, Belgium (2009).  Me and Jenn were in Maui a decade ago.  I'm pretty sure we saw him hanging outside a major tourist attraction (Hawaii's biggest aquarium).   He was strumming his guitar and I made a jovial remark about  this "hippie performer."  He absorbed what I said and was quietly amused.    Just for the record, we found out that Kriss Kross does indeed own a home in Maui.  This still makes me want to jump, jump.  

Excellent version of "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John in Lucca, Italy (2011).  Most people complain about the deejay voiceover.  I like it.  Gives it some context and character.

People will make fun of me.  Some will laugh.  Some will antagonize and commit hate crimes.  But I think Sarah McLachlan's "I  Will Remember You" is really poignant.  Always better live.

If you'd like a free copy, just ask.  Even if you're a member of his Secret Service detail!  Hey, it's just  freedom of speech (or in this case, bootlegged music and liner notes).  Last time I checked, it's a free country.  Right?  Well... we'll see.  I have a hunch we'll find out about this "freedom thing" one of these days.

Don Muraco eating a meatball sub

When I was 11 or 12, I had difficulty discerning whether pro wrestling was real or fixed.  These days, pre-teens are a tad more worldly... or so they think.  Of course nowadays, studio wrestling is so far over-the-top, you'd have to be beyond the collective realm of Beavis and Butthead to assign it any level of credibility.  I often wonder how that age group, particularly impressionable young boys, perceives online pornography.  Some of the stuff is so graphic and warped.  It has to totally fuck with a kid's head.  I can't see how it wouldn't.  But that's a bit off-topic.  Maybe one day I'll address this issue.  But not today.

Surprisingly, as a young kid, my favorite wrestler was actually a heel.  Kind of figures.  He was the infamous, Don "The Magnificent" Muraco.  His interviews were epic.  Each one always had a different vibe.  He never went with the sadistic, barbaric role.  Instead, he'd fuse these comedic taunts with this unbridled arrogance.  The crowd would fire back with chants of "Beach Bum, Beach Bum."  Obviously, a reference to his origins of Sunset Beach, Hawaii.  Newsflash, he really was from Hawaii - I googled him.  Not like Texas-born Ivan Putski who claimed to be from Krakow, Poland (that guy had to be the worst, most uninspired main-eventer in the history of the WWF).   And how about the token, masked weirdo from Parts Unknown?   I'd have to say that "parts unknown" is the ultimate location of origin. 

Here's a truly, classic moment.  Muraco's wrestling one of the more memorable scrubs.  His name was Frankie Williams and I do recall he hailed from Columbus, Ohio.  How about that?  I always had an appreciation for the scrubs - rare for an 11 year old kid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCmGqN_M1Gc

This is the pure embodiment of Vince McMahon.  It's his serious, snarling voice that really added to the credibility.  And I love the way Vince pontificates... "Well, I don't know if there's anything specifically stated in the rulebook that prohibits consumption of a meatball sub during a match... but it is highly unorthodox."  Classic.  I think it's the forgettable Pat Patterson who keeps saying, "Hmmm, another bite."  But it's all Vince.  He's just so disgusted with Muraco's nonchalant, blatant effrontery.  How dare he!   Say what you will about Vince McMahon (unprincipled, ethically challenged, steroid distributing, etc.).  But he might be the greatest salesman of all time.  Trump?  Iacocca?  Barnum and/or Bailey?  Fugetaboutit.  It's not even close.  This was Vince in his prime.

And how about at the end when Captain Lou Albano "slips" on the meatball sub.  I honestly don't think this part was scripted.  Maybe he was drunk.  Although I doubt it because they usually taped the preliminaries during the afternoon.  If you watch closely, I think Muraco's genuinely concerned that Albano may have hurt himself.  And who could not love the manner in which McMahon ridicules Captain Lou.  "Albano is furious!  Look at that fat slob!  He's disgusting.  Ohhh, look.  There it is.  There's the rest of the meatball sub.  That's just gross!  That's horrible!"

 I'll never forget when a title holder was being pinned and Vince would deliriously count it out... "One... Two... We-have-a-new.....  NOOOO!"  Honestly, that's some great shit.  He was a millisecond from saying the word "champion."  Damn, it was that close.

I miss old school television production where you didn't have all those annoying musical blips in the background.  Actors and commentators actually had to earn their keep.  I'd take the authenticity of 80's pro wrestling over the "Real World's" synthetically manufactured crap any day of the week.  Nowadays, you get all this uninterrupted "zany" background music (for those incapable of comprehending that it's a silly moment).  Or even worse, when the music gets all dark and disturbed.  Yes, this would denote a sad or heartbreaking moment.  Give Vince credit where credit is due.  You didn't hear some nonsensical, edited-in "slip on banana peel" music when Albano bit the dust.  All you heard was the mastery of McMahon - "Look at that meatball!  Look at it!  That's disgusting!  That meatball makes me sick!"

And one last link.  We all remember when Roddy Piper smashed the coconut over Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka's head during a torturous interview on Piper's Pit.  But do you remember this one?  It's the rowdy one interviewing the aforementioned scrub wrestler Frankie Williams.  Definitely worth checking out.  Incredible!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qo_QrixLSSc

"Just when they think they got the answers, I change the questions." - Roddy Piper

important dates

Important dates:

mid-March of 2011 - I theorized of the worst potential scenario for the artificially generated stampede.

9-2-11 - I completed the initial draft of my book and published it on the internet as a sole blog entry (http://sonofsaf.blogspot.com/2011/09/book.html).

11-27-11 - I electronically submitted the final draft of my book to the United States Copyright Office.

2-1-12 - I received the official copyright for for my book (Sonofsaf odd oh biography) from the Library of Congress: U.S. Copyright Office (postmarked 1-30-12).

Registration Number:  TX 7-471-234
Alternative Registration #: TX0007471234
Service Request #: 1-691042477
Effective date of registration: November 27, 2011

1-15-12 - I arranged a meeting and shared my concerns with a retired FBI agent from Wheeling, WV.  We had an insightful, back and forth discussion for about 30 minutes.  I requested that he contact the Pittsburgh division of the FBI on my behalf.

2-17-12 - The retired FBI agent informed me that he had placed a call to the FBI Pittsburgh office regarding my concerns on either 2-13-12 or 2-14-12.

2-22-12 - I met with a representative from the Federal Bureau of Investigation, Wheeling, WV field office for roughly 25 minutes.  He said he would write a report and "send it up the chain."  I asked him to write a brief letter documenting our meeting and he declined.

I had spoken with the office of the Regional Director in an attempt to arrange a meeting with the Pittsburgh office but was advised to have my concerns addressed by the Wheeling field office.  The secretary confirmed that she was familiar with my identity via the earlier placed call from the retired agent.

3-1-12 - I sent a letter with the following content:

Re: The prospect of an artificially generated stampede in NCAA Division I football stadiums

In 1913, 73 people were crushed to death in the Italian Hall Disaster in Calumet, Michigan.  This event is generally regarded as the basis for placing reasonable limitations on the First Amendment.  Most refer to it as "falsely shouting fire in a crowded theater."  Roughly a century later, allow me to pose a similar question.  Is it conceivable to text "fire" in a crowded stadium?  If a significant number of individuals received a text message conveying IMMINENT DANGER and/or the NEED TO IMMEDIATELY EVACUATE, the consequences could be catastrophic.  It would likely result in an artificially generated stampede.

Following the Virginia Tech massacre in 2007, companies offering mass emergency text alerts became more commonplace.  Many of these companies offer SMS (short message service) systems to anyone willing to pay for them.  It's just a matter of time before someone with a pernicious agenda opts to utilize this platform.  Furthermore, a perpetrator would probably seek maximum impact as it would likely be a one-time occurrence.

Now consider the prospect for two or more simultaneous stampedes.  National news outlets might unintentionally exacerbate the problem by providing breaking news updates.  With the prevalence of social media and instant cellular notifications, there could be a domino effect.  Anyone in the confines of a college football stadium would find themselves in a dangerous location.  The vulnerability of just two stadiums could expose all occupied stadiums to a stampede cascade effect.  Stadiums would be most at risk during the first two weeks of the season as the biggest programs often have consecutive home games. 

While security and safety measures have been greatly enhanced in the last decade, there has never been a credible plan to safely evacuate a stadium in the event of a sudden panic.  Why?  Because it's simply not logistically feasible.  We have already witnessed the evolution of flash mobs and the recent spread of dangerous viral text hoaxes.  The prospect of hacking and manipulating a campus text alert system or cellular service provider represents the gravest concern.  But it's simply the mere existence and availability of lengthy lists of cell phone numbers corresponding to individuals (students, faculty and/or season ticket holders) in a confined location.  This, combined with the established level of trust placed in emergency SMS communication, represents the underlying problem.  

While I doubt that I am the first person to conceive of this potential threat, I do suspect this is the first time you've heard about an artificially generated stampede.  Other than virally spread text hoaxes, I've seen nothing about deliberately transmitting false texts in an attempt to create a sudden, mass panic.  There seems to be no discussion of this asymmetric security issue in the public domain.  I am neither an expert in the field of wireless communication nor crowd dynamics.  However, if you connect the dots between large crowds and the potential misuse of SMS technology, I think you'll agree that my concerns are justified.

Being a "whistle blower" for a hypothetical national security threat is not something I relish, but I cannot in good conscience remain silent.  So in accordance with the Department of Homeland Security's "If You See Something, Say Something" campaign, I have made a moral determination to send you this letter.  I implore you to research this issue and take preventative action.  And while this problem is well beyond my area of expertise, I do have some ideas regarding general awareness campaigns and possible countermeasures.  You are welcome to contact me to discuss this matter further.  Considering the serious nature of this issue, I have taken the liberty of copying this letter to the presidents of NCAA Division I universities with sizable football stadiums.

"There are risks and costs to a program of action, but they are far less than the long-range risks and costs of comfortable inaction." - John F. Kennedy

---------------------------------

It was sent to these individuals:

Secretary Janet Napolitano, U.S. Department of Homeland Security
Chairman Julius Genachowski, Federal Communications Commission
Secretary Arne Duncan, U.S. Department of Education

President Barbara Couture, New Mexico State University
President M.R.C. Greenwood, University of Hawaii
President William P. Leahy, Boston College
President V. Lane Rawlins, University of North Texas
Chancellor Victor J. Boschini, Jr., Texas Christian University
President Eugene G. Sander, University of Arizona
Chancellor G. Daniel Howard, Arkansas State University
President Robert M. Berdahl, University of Oregon
President Nathan O. Hatch, Wake Forest University
President Rodney A. Erickson, Penn State
President Bernie Machen, University of Florida
President Kirk H. Shulz, Kansas State University
President Eric J. Barron, Florida State University
President G.P. "Bud" Peterson, University of Georgia Tech
President Burns Hargis, Oklahoma State University
President John G. Peters, University of Northern Illinois
President John C. Hitt, University of Central Florida
President Bob Kustra, Boise State University
President Robert E. Witt, University of Alabama
President John D. Welty, Fresno State University
President Wallace D. Loh, University of Maryland
President Joseph Savoie, University of Louisiana at Lafayette
Chancellor Robert J. Birgeneau, University of California, Berkeley
Chancellor David Ward, University of Wisconsin
Chancellor Nancy Cantor, Syracuse University
Chancellor Randy Woodson, North Carolina State University
President Eli Capilouto, University of Kentucky
President William Powers, Jr., University of Texas
President Mark E. Keenum, Mississippi State University
President Lester A. Lefton, Kent State University
Chancellor Steve Ballard, East Carolina University
President Mary Ellen Mazey, Bowling Green State University
Superintendent Lt. Gen. Michael C. Gould, U.S. Air Force Academy
President Mary Jane Saunders, Florida Atlantic University
Chancellor Brady J. Deaton, University of Missouri
President Mark B. Rosenberg, Florida International University
President Ken Starr, Baylor University
Chancellor Philip DiStefano, University of Colorado
President David L. Boren, University of Oklahoma
President R. Gerald Turner, Southern Methodist University
President Lloyd A. Jacobs, University of Toledo
Provost Patrica E. Beeson, University of Pittsburgh
President Gary A. Randsell, Western Kentucky University
President Michael Young, University of Washington
President Gregory Geoffroy, Iowa State University
President Stephen J. Kopp, Marshall University
President Daniel D. Reneau, Louisiana Tech University
President Sidney A. McPhee, Middle Tennessee State University
President Guy Bailey, Texas Tech University
President Jay Gogue, Auburn University
President George E. Ross, Central Michigan University
Chancellor Holden Thorp, University of North Carolina
President M. Duane Nellis, University of Idaho
President Sally Mason, University of Iowa
President R. Bowen Loftin, Texas A&M University
President Charles Steger, Virginia Tech
President Cecil O. Samuelson, Brigham Young University
President Carol Garrison, University of Alabama Birmingham
President Shirley C. Raines, The University of Memphis
President Amy Weaver Hart, Temple University
President C.L. Max Nikias, University of Southern California
President Scott S. Cowen, Tulane University
President Marc Johnson, University of Nevada, Reno
President Nick J. Bruno, The University of Louisiana at Monroe
President Elson S. Floyd, Washington State University
President James F. Barker, Clemson University
President Michael J Hogan, University of Illinois
President Michael A. McRobbie, Indiana University
Chancellor Bernadette Gray-Little, University of Kansas
Chancellor Harvey Perlman, University of Nebraska
Superintendent LTG David H. Huntoon, Jr., United States Military Academy
President Mary Sue Coleman, University of Michigan
President James P. Clements, West Virginia University
Superintendent Vice Admiral Michael H. Miller, United States Naval Academy
Chancellor Jimmy G. Cheek, University of Tennessee
President Gregory H. Williams, University of Cincinnati
President John I. Jenkins, University of Notre Dame
President E. Gordon Gee, The Ohio State University
President James Ramsey, University of Louisville
President Roderick J. McDavis, Ohio University
President Elliot Hirshman, San Diego State University
President Judy Genshaft, University of South Florida
Chancellor Dave Gearhart, University of Arkansas
President Susan Herbst, University of Connecticut
President Edward J. Ray, Oregon State University
President David W. Leebron, Rice University
President A. Lorris Betz, University of Utah
President Martha D. Saunders, University of Southern Mississippi
President Renu Khator, University of Houston
President Stan L. Albrecht, Utah State University
Chancellor Gene D. Block, University of California, Los Angeles
President France A. Cordova, Purdue University
President Richard L. McCormick, Rutgers University
President Morton Schapiro, Northwestern University
President Susan Martin, Eastern Michigan University
President Neal Smatresk, University of Nevada, Las Vegas
President Michael F. Adams, University of Georgia
President Jo Ann M. Gora, Ball State University
President Teresa Sullivan, University of Virginia
President Steadman Upham, University of Tulsa
President Anthony A. Frank, Colorado State University
President Lou Anna K. Simon, Michigan State University
President Mohammad Qayoumi, San Jose State University
President John Hennessy, Stanford University
President Luis Proenza, University of Akron
President Diana Natalicio, University of Texas at El Paso
President Michael M. Crow, Arizona State University
President Donna E. Shalala, University of Miami
President Eric W. Kaler, University of Minnesota
Chancellor Mike Martin, Louisiana State University
President David J. Schimdly, University of New Mexico
President Satish K. Tripathi, University at Buffalo
Chancellor Nicholas Zeppos, Vanderbilt University
Chancellor Daniel W. Jones, University of Mississippi
Chancellor Jack Hawkins, Jr., Troy University
President John M. Dunn, Western Michigan University
President Richard H. Brodhead, Duke University
President Tom Buchanan, University of Wyoming
President Harris Pastides, University of South Carolina
President David C. Hodge, Miami University

Mitt Romney covers on the under

Considering his proclivity for "attempted gambling" during a recent presidential debate, I believe that leading Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has been kicked out of G.A. (gamblers anonymous).  Nope.  G.A. doesn't stand for general admission... although it certainly would have helped his cause this afternoon.  That place was empty.  I kept looking for the unknown comic guy in the crowd.  You know, the frowny-inked guy who wears the brown paper bag over his head.  He was omnipresent when the Lions went 0-16.

Regardless, I suspect Willard placed his final wager this afternoon.  He took the UNDER on the total attendance at Ford Field.  Gamblers Anonymous got wind of his transgression and kicked him to the curb.  Truth be told, it was a lock.  1,200 on a 65,000?  They set the over way too high!  

With the exception of last year, the Detroit Lions hadn't made the playoffs since 1999.  And even in '99, they barely sneaked in with a consistent record of 8-8.   Historically, the Lions have pretty much... well uhh... sucked.  But rest assured, they still sell-out (even though there's a slew of no-shows for the second half of the season).  Ford Field has a capacity of 65,000.  For the NCAA final, they filled that place with 80,000 spectators.   Not bad for an indoor venue.

Enter Mitt Romney.  Sensing the possibility of a Republican primary loss in one of his many "home" states, Mitt must have decided (or more likely, was advised) to step up his game.  What can we do in the blue-collar state of Michigan?  What could be a potential game-changer?   Hmmm, how about I give a thunderous, earth-shattering economic policy speech in the massive confines of Ford Field?  What a novel idea!  The votes and campaign contributions will surely start pouring in!

Un-fucking-believable.  What the fuck is wrong with Romney?  How could a career politician running for President since 2004 have such a monumental, judgmental collapse regarding "the optics of self-promotion?"  His hair style, his attire, his talking points, basically everything about him is so incredibly polished.  How could he screw up something so fundamental as the choice of venue? 

Seriously, what the fuck is this supposed to be?  A patriotic throng (the Detroit Economic Club) of 1,200 will literally be taking over the synthetic grass-like surface of Ford Field.  Wow.  The upside - a stampede seems very unlikely.  Good planning, Mitt.  Nobody will be trampled to death or die from crush asphyxiation.  The downside - well, here we go...

First and foremost, how about the fundamental rule when it comes to sizing up the appropriate venue.  Think about it from a televangelist's perspective.  When my favorite asshole Benny Hinn goes out on the healing circuit, the first thing he does is an attendance estimate.  In 2003, he came to Pittsburgh and "played" at Mellon Arena.  It was a wise choice as a crowd of 10,000+ idiots swarmed the Burgh.  But in 2011, with his stock rapidly dissipating, he came to the tiny Soldiers & Sailors Hall which maxes out at about 2,000.  The piece of holy shit ended up cancelling (hopefully I had something to do with that), but I digress.  My point - you want it to appear like the place is filled to the rafters.  That's how you get the audience riled up.  Mitt went with exact opposite approach - pick the most grandiose, mammoth and costly stadium.  Then, coerce about 1,000 of the most timid, non-responsive people to celebrate with you on their lunch hour.

And what an obnoxious, ill-advised display of wealth.  Hosting this event at an NFL stadium would appeal to only one other person on the planet earth.  And that's Jerry Jones.  Well, maybe Trump would like it.  Other than those two self-inflated, beau-toxed windbags, I can't think of any others.  How much does it cost to open Ford Field?  The lighting, the controlled temperature, the logistical procedures are a complete pain in the ass.  And for what?  To make Mitt Romney appear like some kind of modern-day, Russel Crowe gladiator.   What a complete waste.

And to top it off, the stunt failed miserably.  It makes him look increasingly disconnected from the blue collar Republican vote which he so desperately needs.  If I'm a Michigan middle class conservative voter I've got to be thinking... what the fuck is this?  If I'm from a swing state deemed crucial in the general election I've got be thinking... what the fuck is this?  If I'm an ordinary human being on the planet earth I've got to be thinking... what the fuck is this?  Wait a minute, maybe his swooning, heroic economic policy speech will move me to tears.

Mitt: "I would like to lead you in a rousing chorus of God Bless America.  Unfortunately, Whitney Houston is no longer with us so allow me to take the lead"

After 3 minutes of excruciating discomfort...

Mitt: "President Obama is destroying this great country.  We've got to cut taxes and control runaway government spending."

This refrain drags for on for a perfectly timed 26 minutes.  Yep, cry me a river.

I wonder if they did a balloon drop from the ceiling or a confetti blow-out as the event concluded.  I wouldn't doubt it.  Ahhh, the absurdity of the Romney campaign knows no bounds.  I'll bet you $10,000 there will be another major campaign gaffe.  The good news - the Republican primary has a long way to go and we haven't even reached the general.