Friday, February 22, 2019

If I Don't Die in West Virginia


Premeditating the precise location of your personal demise?  Sounds uplifting, eh?  Kinda reminds me of that Wang Chung classic... To Live and Die in L.A.

But on a more serious note.  Where would I prefer to die?  Well I dunno, you tell me.  A Long John Silver's dumpster would have a certain battered appeal.  Suffocated between Trump's fleshy, flabby, milky-orange buttocks?  That doesn't sound terribly promising. 

Those who know me well, would likely say, "Saf's ultimate fantasy is to be crush asphyxiated in a random human stampede at Heinz Field."  Yeah, right!  To explore the boundaries of the unknown.  Makes one shudder in respiratory distress.

These zany guys I know wrote a song.  If I Don't Die in West Virginia.  It kinda reminds me of Shawn Smith's Leaving California.  Most people know it as the song where Sil kills Aid in a Sopranos season finale. 

Now, if you can compose an all-encompassing "sports team intro," you got it made in the Sade.  Sweetest taboo, bitches!


Think in terms of Jack White, born in Detroit.  When he released Seven Nation Army back in 2003, about going to Wichita, Nebraska... could he have ever fathomed it would serve as the intro song for every national soccer team fifteen years later at the 2018 World Cup in Russia?

There's something irrevocably poignant about introducing a town, state or country into the title of your song.  Doesn't really mater what the genre is.  Country, rock, rap, it's all the same.  I Wanna be a Part of it New York New York, Sweet Home Alabama, Straight Outta Compton, and so on and so forth.

Remember that Limp Bizkit song, Show Me What You Got?  Their "throw in every town but the kitchen sink" strategy wasn't too bad.  Just mention any municipality known to man and make it as insightful as humanly possible.  I get silly when I play in Philly... Need a Kleenex every time I'm leavin' Phoenix... spit on a boy named Tina in Pasadena.  Truly brilliant.  Now there's a work of fart.

Makes me think.  Even though I now reside in Pittsburgh, maybe I could write a mega hit about West Virginia...

Fucked my sister and had a thrill out in Sistersville.  
Went hunting and got 'er done down in Huntington.  
Never got paid and felt kinda shitty leavin' Paden City.  
Got a chest rub from a child molester way up in Chester.  

Sometimes the best material literally writes itself.

Friday, February 01, 2019

Super Bowl 53 conspiracy theory #ATLSB53


I'll try to keep this brief.  Even though it will likely evolve/devolve into the biggest conspiracy in the history of mankind.

This Sunday is Super Bowl 53 at Mercedez Benz Stadium in Atlanta, GA.

Attendance will be approximately 77.500.

Around 6:25 pm, Gladys Knight will perform the national anthem.

During her rendition of the Star Spangled Banner, I think it's reasonable to conclude that a minimal number of players on the field will "take a knee"  (a convincing +400 prop bet on several offshore gaming sites).  But as far as taking a knee goes,  I'm thinking more along the lines of stadium security, team personnel, video techs, etc.  Doesn't really matter.

Meanwhile, down in South Florida, Donald Trump will be watching the game from Mar-A-Lago.  Upon seeing this heinous act of kneeling, he will become incensed.  And impetuously tweet the following...


(admittedly going way out on a limb with the misuse of "there", eh?)

As the game cuts away to commercial, an unusual crowd dynamic will take place inside the stadium.  One that is totally unanticipated.  One for which there is no contingency plan.  

A decentralized, wireless, bombardment of information will saturate the venue. 

Several hundred fans will defiantly start marching towards the concourses.  This will be live.

CBS will interrupt the commercial and immediately cut back to the stadium... as a number of fans believe their lives to be in imminent danger.  Clear and present danger.  Their behavior will trigger a broader panic.  People will run for the concourses.  Up and down steep steps.  Violently crowding the concourses and escalators. Again, this will be live.

The ensuing chaos will manifest itself via multiple, scattered, disjointed human stampedes throughout the stadium.

87 people will die. 1,500+ will be injured, 250 critically.

Super Bowl 53 will be cancelled... before the official kick off.

What happens next?  Are you seriously asking me to be more specific?

Listen up!  You ground-damn god-hog jag-off...

Hey, at this point, why would it matter?   Your guess is as good as mine.

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Musical


Bat Boy Bites Back



Synopsis:

Bat Boy Bites Back is an irreverent, dark and demented, poli-comedic musical.  Huzzah!  

In 2020, the Democratic party has difficulty finding a worthy candidate to oppose Donald Trump.  Bat Boy, a mythical character made popular by the Weekly News & World Report tabloid, emerges on the scene.  He quickly wins over the hearts and minds of American voters.

The entire production is a reenactment of the 2020 presidential debate.

* The cast consists of 4 characters (a Narrator, the Moderator, Donald Trump and Bat Boy)
* Includes 10 full length Weird Al Yankovic inspired parody songs.
* The play is littered with familiar historical snippets and pop culture references.
* Limited props and staging gives the play a ghetto, off-Broadway vibe.  The objective being to create a performance that’s easily replicable.
* For the finale, audience members actually get to vote and determine the election’s outcome.  Two different encores are provided for whoever wins.


Characters:

NARRATOR (Eric Saferstein) - An omniscient presence.  Handles the karaoke/teleprompter and occasionally weighs in with sarcastic comments, random computer blips, pre-programmed noises and various excerpts from his laptop.  All of them are fairly recognizable blurbs from the last 50 years.

MODERATOR (Eric Jepson) - Controls the tempo and flow of the debate.  Takes a relatively proactive approach.

DONALD TRUMP - Starring role.  Every time Trump speaks, you’re supposed to wonder in the back of your head, "did he really say that?"  The intention being to fundamentally blur the line between absurdity and bewilderment, confusion and reality.  Has one tricky song to perform.

BAT BOY - A half-boy, half-bat cult figure.  A candidate of few words.  Has two extremely challenging songs.


Featured songs of the 1st set:

Crash Test Dummies - Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm (Narrator)

The theme song to the early 1960’s cartoon - Top Cat (Narrator)

Billy Joel — We Didn’t Start the Fire (Bat Boy)

Gilbert & Sullivan’s H.M.S. Pinafore — Modern, Major General (Donald Trump)

AC/DC - Big Balls (Donald Trump)


Featured songs of the 2nd set:

Ozzy Osbourne - Iron Man (Donald Trump)

INXS - Mediate (Instrumental)

Sir Mix-A-Lot — Baby Got Back (Bat Boy)

Voi Vod — Theme song to Bat Man (metalized instrumental)

Lee Greenwood — God Bless The U.S.A. (Donald Trump)


Encore #1:

Queen — We Will Rock You / We Are the Champions (Bat Boy)

OR

Encore #2

Don Ho — Tiny Bubbles (Donald Trump)

Staging:

2 podiums (Front, left center Bat Boy: Front, right center Trump)
1 chair, 1 desk positioned sideways for the Narrator (far left)
1 chair, 1 desk positioned sideways for the Moderator (far right)
A single American flag in the background (optional)
List of props: flashlight, Moderator’s Maury Povich envelope, Trump’s “The Bat” poem, Bat Boy’s senryu poem, Mounds & Almond Joy candy bars, moderator’s script used as a fan, roll of paper towels, 45 country signs, miniature American flag, stalk of celery, miniature Trump muppet, 3 prop cell phones, Unknown Comic McDonald's bag, MAGA hat, pussy hat, graduation hat, KKK hat.

Costumes:

Trump: obvious wig, dark suit and long red tie
Bat Boy: all black tight outfit with purple Crown Royal blanket cape, plastic ears, optional baldo wig
Narrator: Bat Boy Bites Back t-shirt & jeans
Moderator: suit and tie

Underlined portions are interchangeable based on various factors (time, location, individual, etc.)


SET 1


Narrator:

Welcome.  Tonight’s performance of Bat Boy Bites Back is dedicated to the 45th President of the United States, Donald J. Trump.

Because...

You're the meaning in my life
You're the inspiration
You bring feeling to my life
You're the inspiration
When you love somebody
Til the end of time
When you love somebody
Always on my mind (Peter Cetera spoken word)

SONG: Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm (Narrator)

Once there was this con man (Trump enters)
Who thought he'd run for president and sell a bunch of red hats
But when re-election came 'round
His nose had grown from short into so long
He said that it was from when
The fake news lied so hard

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

Once there was this Bat Boy who (Bat Boy enters)
showed his wings and fangs and his tiny scary bald head
The peeps, they really loved him
He'd fly so high all over the country
He couldn't quite explain it
He'd always been a bat boy

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

But both red and blue states were mad (Moderator enters) 
As voters had it worse than that

Cause then there was this land whose
People had to choose between the lesser of two evils
And when they casted their votes
They yelled and fought all over the ballots
I really can't explain it
Elections are a big deal

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

Ah, Ah, Ah refrain (all)

(Cast exits the stage, except Narrator)

Narrator:

(Scenario #1 - Trump is running for reelection in 2020)

A wise man once said… those who cannot remember the past, are condemned to repeat it.  As luck would have it, in the year 2020, history repeated itself.  At least in a political sense.  Do you remember when Donald Trump emerged from a crowded field of Republicans in the 2016 primary?  Well, the Democrats witnessed a similar dynamic in 2020.  One candidate differentiated himself from all the others.  In 2020, he had the perfect vision.  And just like the cheese, he stood alone.  His name, was Rat Boy.

(Bat Boy enters the stage, stares at the Narrator with cynicism and hisses).


Er, uh, Bat Boy.  My bad.

(Scenario #2 - Trump is not running for reelection in 2020 - death, resignation, incarceration, etc.)


(John Lennon Imagine intro riff)
Imagine.  A world where political reality collides with political fantasy.  What if John F. Kennedy was never assassinated?  What if Watergate never happened?  What if Al Gore won Florida?  What if… what if...

Well, try this one on for super size.  What if Trump was still the president?  And he was running for re-election?  Yep, you heard me right.  Donald Trump is still the president!

In 2020, a myriad of Democratic candidates tossed their hats in the ring for the presidency of the United States.  But one candidate differentiated himself from all the others.  In 2020, he had the perfect vision.  And just like the cheese, he stood alone.  His name was Rat Boy.

(Bat Boy enters the stage, stares at the Narrator with cynicism and hisses).

Er, uh, Bat Boy.  My bad.

(Bat Boy with no shoes on.  Repeatedly slides back and forth across the stage for the duration of Top Bat)

SONG: Top Bat (Narrator)

Top Bat, the most impeccable
Top Bat, heterosexual
Close friends get to call him T.B.
Fighting all forms of bigotry

Top Bat
The irrefutable leader of the Dems
He's the moon, he's the sun
He's the nomination
He ain't no ding bat
Top Bat

Yes, he's the bomb, he's the shit
And he chomps at the bit
He ain't no ding bat
Top Bat

Top Bat!

(Bat Boy exits the stage)
(Moderator takes his seat)


Moderator:

Good evening from the Lincoln Theater in New Martinsville, West Virginia.  I’m Eric Jepson and I’d like to welcome you to the first and only 2020 presidential debate.  The participants tonight are Donald Trump and Bat Boy.  This debate is sponsored by the Back Home Appalachian Music and Arts Festival.  The format for tonight’s debate will be divided into two segments.  The first set will be devoted to domestic policy.  After a brief intermission, the second set will focus on foreign policy.  And New Martinsvillethere will be one encore! (Simpson’s Spinal Tap impression).

Both candidates have agreed to the rules.

Narrator:

(interrupts)
But this is war.  And in war, there are no rules! (loud)

Ladies and gentleman, we are live!  And this is our main event of the evening. (Bruce Buffer)

It’s time! (lighting display, if available)

Fighting, out of the blue corner, he might weigh only 99 pounds, but he’s no weakling.  The challenger, Bat Boy!

And fighting, out of the red corner, weighing in at just one pound below the American Medical Association’s commonly accepted definition of obese, the 45th President of the United States, the champion, Donald J. Trump!

Let’s get ready to rumble! (Michael Buffer)

Moderator:

Before the debate, we flipped a coin backstage to see who’d go first with their opening statement… and it’s President Trump.

Trump:

I’d like to thank everyone for coming out tonight and those at home watching the debate tonight.  I’ve heard the ratings are through the roof.  But I’d also really like to thank some of the people behind the scenes.  Our super Secret Service.  And our brave police and venue security.  And our wonderful ushers.  You know, this usherrr (Rusher interview w/ Lester Holt - 1:05 mark) thing with the audience and the ushers.  It’s really a tremendous story.  Because these are great people working together.  They love our country and care about its future.  It’s all part of making our country great again.  And we’re going to keep America great!

Moderator:

Bat Boy, would you care to make an opening statement?

Bat Boy:

I blame all of you (points to the audience).  You gave us this… this… this Trump.  It’s all your fault.  You are the reason I’m here.

Moderator:

Thank you Mr. Boy.

Bat Boy:


I’m Bat Boy damnit! (Gumby - :50 mark)

Moderator:

Alright, we’re going to try something a little different and kick off tonight’s debate with one of the most commonly asked questions in the history of mankind.  Bat Boy, do you believe in God?

Bat Boy:

Which one and/or how many?

Moderator:

Uh, okay.  Mr. Trump, do you believe in God?

Trump:

When I think about God, I know that we’re all in this together.  That’s my job.  Bringing people together.  It’s what I do.  Now me, I’m Presbyterian.  But I also want to include the Baptists and the Protestants, and even the Seven Day Adventists.  And Episcopal. E-Pis-Co-Pal. (emphasized as the word ‘reciprocal’).  Episcopal is very important.  All of them are very strong.  And you bring them all together and it makes you much stronger.  As a people.  And by the way, this is why the Evangelicals totally love me.  They’re very devoted and they love to vote.  And I think that’s just terrific.

Moderator:

It has been less than a year since the passing of George Bush Sr., the 41st President of the United States.  Mr. Trump, could we get your thoughts on his legacy, both as a public servant and World War II veteran.

Trump:


Listen, he was a war hero because he’s dead.  I like people who aren’t dead.

Moderator:

But his commitment as a military fighter pilot…

Trump:

(interrupts)
Fighter?  His plane was shot down.  I like pilots who don’t get shot down.

Narrator:

He got shot. (Forrest Gump 1:40 mark)

Moderator:

Bat Boy, same question about the late President Bush.

Bat Boy:

He lived and died the life of a Bush.  I live my life in the trees.  My opponent cannot see the forest, for the trees.

Moderator:

But what about his thousand points of light?

Bat Boy:


(blood curdling scream) I hate the light!  Come to the dark! (residual scream)

Moderator:

Along those same lines.  Bat Boy, presidential campaigns are often shaped by statements and slogans.  In 1920, Warren Harding promised a ‘return to normalcy.’  In 2016, Donald Trump promised to ‘make America great again.'

President Harry Truman famously kept a sign on his desk which read ‘the buck stops here.’  What statement or slogan would you assign to the last four years of the Trump administration?

Bat Boy:
 
The buck never stops.

Narrator:

Money money money money... money(Celebrity Apprentice theme song - :04 mark)

Moderator:

Mr. President, much has been spoken about the enormous magnitude and immense power of your ability to pardon.

Narrator:

(interrupts)
He wants to pardon... and do it and do it and do it, do it, do it. (Black Eyed Peas)

Trump:

(interrupts)
Let’s do it, let’s do it, let’s do it, do it, do it.  Cuz I got a par-don (emphasize like “hard on”)(woo hoo Narrator blip).  It’s big and it’s huge and it’s alright.  It’s big and it’s huge and it’s alright.  It’s big and it’s huge and tonight’s the night!

Bat Boy:

Mazel Tov!  (sarcastic) (Narrator L’chaim blip)

Moderator:

Shifting to a different subject, Mr. President, what would you say is your weakest quality?

Trump:


Well, quite simply, I care too much.  About our country.  I mean why else would I abandon my life in the private sector?  You know, I had a pretty good life, before this.  But we need to make this country strong again.  So the world will respect us.  And that’s why.  That’s why I’m here.  This is the greatest country on earth, people.  And guess what?  We’re going to make it more great, even greater than ever before.

You know something Eric, speaking of greatness.  There was a time when we had a tremendous leader…. and he was a Democrat. Can you believe it?  If memory serves me correct, this Democrat said, and I quote, “Ask not what your country can do for you.  Ask what you can do for your country.”  His name was John F. Kennedy.

Bat Boy:

(interrupts)
My father loved John F. Kennedy.  Mr. President, I served dinner to my father.  We had beetles, moths and mosquitoes.  I knew my father.  My father was a friend of mine.  (Senator Lloyd Benson blip 2:20 mark)

Mr. President, you are not my father! (Darth Vader voice)

(Trump collapses to the floor in anguish)


Narrator:

(Steps to his feet, unseals an envelope and holds up a piece of paper).

But Donald, when it comes to 14 year old son Barron… You ARE the father! (triumphant Maury Povich voice)(Trump quickly rises to his feet and does a paternity celebration dance, Bat Boy collapses to the floor in agony, crowd applauds accordingly)

(Trump walks over and lurks over him - this represents an over the top reenactment of Trump hovering over Hillary in their debate)


Trump:

Look at this sad display.  It’s pathetic.  You’re pathetic.  You’re a freak of nature.  You’re a freak!

(Bat Boy slowly emerges back to his feet, much like a pro wrestler seeking the inspiration to stand back up.  Bat Boy staggers back to the podium and manages to get himself upright)

Bat Boy:


The freaks come out at night! (loud declaration)

(Trump, Bat Boy and Moderator come center stage and breakdance - draw inspiration from the 1:55, 2:48, 3:22, or the 3:29 mark of Whodini’s “Freaks Come out at Night” video)

The freaks come out at night (all)
The freaks come out at night
The freaks come out at night
(The bats come out) (only Bat Boy)
The freaks come out at night

The freaks come out at night (all)
The freaks come out at night
The freaks come out at night
(The bats come out) (only Bat Boy)
The freaks come out at night

(abrupt stop, everyone returns to their positions)

Moderator:

Okay.  Maybe we should tone it down a bit.  Mr. President, we know that both you and Bat Boy are in the middle of a rigorous, volatile, heated campaign.  Plenty of travel, debate prep, lots of meetings and sleepless nights.  Would you care to share what steps you take to alleviate the stress?

Trump:


Eric, this will probably surprise you.  But I write poetry.  As you know, I am a writer.  I wrote the Art of the Deal.  And it was on the failing New York Times best seller list, for like, a really long time.  Longer than anything by Stephen King, who’s really not that scary.

But I did.  I wrote a poem about my opponent.  And I know everyone wants to hear it.  It’s called “The Bat.” (Variation of The Snake.  Based on You’ll Never Walk Alone)

(Trump pulls out a sheet of paper from his inside jacket pocket)


When you fly through the night
Be true to your form
And don’t be afraid of the night
At the end of the night
Is a lonely soul
And the bald bitter bite of your plight

Campaign through the day
Campaign through the night
Tho your screams be lost not found
Talk on, talk on
And you’ll always be alone
You’ll always be alone

The End.

And if you like poetry, there's more where that came from.

Bat Boy:

I'm a poet too.  I wrote a senryu.  May I recite my senryu? (pronounced sen-you)

Moderator:

What’s that?  What’s a senryu?

Bat Boy:

It’s similar to a haiku.

Narrator:


Ooooh.  Go!  Or in this case, goooo.  (pronounced goo)

Bat Boy:

(pulls out piece of paper)
Trump is piece of shit.
Forty Five is piece of shit
Crap, poop, stool, dung, shit (seething, varying pronunciation for each word)

Narrator:

Hmmm, now I’ve heard of gutter politics.  But that sounded like gutter poetry.  (Hello From The Gutter - Overkill blip)

Moderator:

Bat Boy, is there any truth to the rumor that you hate campaigning?

Bat Boy:

I sleep in the light and only campaign... in the dark.

Because… (Narrator) (Bat Boy grabs flashlight)

I hate the light (turns on flashlight), gotta have that night (turns off flashlight).
I hate the light (turns on), gotta have that night (turns off)(George Clinton and Parliament)

Because… (Narrator)

Flashing... lights, lights, lights, lights (vocal fade) (turns on strobe)
Flashing... lights, lights, lights, lights (vocal fade) (turns off strobe) (Kanye West)

Because… (Narrator)

Sometimes you feel like the light (turns on flashlight).
Sometimes you don’t (turns off flashlight).  (Mounds/Almond Joy commercial) 
(throws a Mounds and Almond Joy into the crowd)

Moderator:

Speaking of day and night and the dark and the light, since the President had the opportunity to share his poem, I heard you wrote a song about the Trump administration.  Bat Boy, would you care to regale us?

Bat Boy:

Yes.  Thank you very much. (Andy Kaufman)


SONG: We Didn’t Vote For Donald (Trump)


Stormy Daniels, Donald Trump, Porn Scandal, Friday Dump
Gone ballistic, Fire Fury, Marco Rubio

Joe Arpaio, Trump vacation, Russian Hooker Urination
No Collusion, No Obstruction, Puerto Rico

Machine guns, bomb threats, David Hogg, Deficits
Brexit, the queen and me, and the chicken K.F.C.

Robert Comey, Mike Flynn, Opioid Addiction
Giuliani, Avenatti, Grab ‘em by the pussy

We didn’t vote for Donald (all) (Trump silently fumes, paces)
He was always lyin’
Without even tryin’
We didn’t vote for Donald
Now we have to fight him
Even try to bite him

Vladmir Putin, Kavanaugh, Kushner and Betsy Duvos
race and color, salmonella, heroin smack

Macron, John McCain, presidential disdain
Bibi Netanyahu, journalistic hack

Witch hunt, clean coal, Philly won the Super Bowl
Charles Schumer, Gillibrand, Newt Gingrich is back again

Kid Rock, Kanye West, Omarosa, no booze
Senate race, ginger face, trouble with the fake news

We didn’t vote for Donald (all) (Trump shakes his head in disapproval)
He was always lyin’
Without even tryin’
We didn’t vote for Donald
Now we have to fight him
Even try to bite him

Diet Coke, nuke attack, took a knee with KaepernNACK
Fuck this, do or die, real men would never cry

Travel Ban, Build the wall, West Virginia Football
U.S.A., T.T.P., R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

POTUS FLOTUS, Be Best, Las Vegas Massacre
Climate Change, Fatso, Rosanne is a no-show

Me Too, Hillary, Javanka & Huckabee
Spicy Spicer, Marco, golf at Mar-A-Lago

We didn’t vote for Donald (all) (Trump folds his arms in disgust)
He was always lyin’
Without even tryin’
We didn’t vote for Donald
Now we have to fight him
Even try to bite him

Overweight, Just ate, guilty or not guilty
Zinke, binkie, Monica Lewinsky

Mexico and Canada, No more treaty NAF - T - UH
Big Mac, K-Oss, Can’t say Merry Christ-moss

Hope Hicks, Disrespect, Catholic Pedophile sex
KKK, covfefe, I just try to look away

We didn’t vote for Donald (all) (Trump waves his hand in defiance)
He was always lyin’
Without even tryin’
We didn’t vote for Donald
Now we have to fight him
Even try to bite him

State patrol, Never bored, Doctor Christine Blasey Ford
Diss Course, Space Force, Tweet storm, Of course

Lemon, Clinton, Tough on crime, Wells Fargo should pay the fine
Ripped up treaty with Iran, We’re still in Afghanistan

Global warming, Lyin’ Ted, Not so many people dead
Fake tourettes, gambling debts, drugs, smack, Adam West

Hot and colder climate wars,  Donald Trump's above the law
Liar Leaker, shown the door, I’m in love with Katy Tur (tour)

We didn’t vote for Donald (all) (Trump in total dismay)
He was always lyin’
Without even tryin’
We didn’t vote for Donald
Now we have to fight him
Even try to bite him

Moderator:

Thank you Bat Boy (Thank you Bam Bam, Curb Your Enthusiasm blip, 1:45 mark)

Trump:

That was the absolute worst song I’ve ever heard in my entire life.  And I know Billy Joel personally.  I’ve seen him perform many times.  In Allentown, uh, once in a town known as Wheeling, West Virginia.  And I even had dinner with him in an Italian restaurant.  He suggested I try the lasagna, and he said, “I love their lasagna, just don’t get it on ya!”  He’s such a tremendous talent, and funny, too.  Now what Bat Boy just did is called plagiarism, total plagiarism, and he should be ashamed of himself.  He’s a copycat disgrace.  He’s more than a copycat.  He’s a copybat!  And I hope Billy Joel sues the crap out of him.  And if he does, I’ll be happy to pay his legal fees.

Moderator:

President Trump, it’s often been said that “there’s a Donald Trump tweet for everything.”  What say you?

Trump:

Well, this one’s a no-brainer… because I, am the entertainer!


SONG: Bitter Twitter President (Trump)


I am the very tweeter of a bitter twitter president,
I often try to supplement the news events with discontent,
I know great words of English, but I tend to be rhetorical
From Kazakhstan to Katmandu, in places geographical;
I’m often told my leadership is very autocratical,
I ally with Caucasians, not the blacks and their grammatical,
About parochial studies, I flip flop on a lot of views,
With many angry tweets, regarding all of that which is fake news.

All:
With many angry tweets, regarding all of that which is fake news.
With many angry tweets, regarding all of that which is fake news.
With many angry tweets, regarding all of that which is fake news.

President:
I’m very good at telling lies and fabricating gibberish;
I play the nonspecific games and proudly take my vigorish:
In short I try to supplement, the news events with discontent,
I am the very tweeter of a bitter twitter president.

All:
In short he tries to supplement, the news events with discontent,
He is the very tweeter of a bitter twitter president.

President:
I filled my super cabinet, Ben Carson to Rex Tillerson;
The first one’s a physician, the other Exxon’s favorite son,
In matters transportation, Mitch McConnell’s wife is not much fun,
I do not like the name Kirstjen, but love the ratings of Nielsen;

I can’t stand A.G. Sessions, but it’s not so bad with Wilbur Ross,
Our nation’s children’s fate lies in the bosom of Betsy DuVos!
If you must ask a question, well you’ll just have to wait and see,
Or press my manly secretary, Sarah Sanders Huckabee.

All:
Or press his manly secretary, Sarah Sanders Huckabee.
Or press his manly secretary, Sarah Sanders Huckabee.
Or press his manly secretary, Sarah Sanders Huckabee.

President:
I’ll cut your taxes, build a wall, I’m legislative to a fault,
Just do not hear the blatant lies, of Omarosa Manigualt:
In short I try to supplement, the news events with discontent,
I am the very tweeter of a bitter twitter president.

All:
In short he tries to supplement, the news events with discontent,
He is the very tweeter of a bitter twitter president.

President:
Sometimes I try to use big words like “president” and “precedent”,
There’s truth in words, a sentiment we hold to be self-evident,
I’m a people person populist and no way am a Democrat,
Even though I still have no clue the meaning of “Proletariat”,
My bone spurs spurned my honor during Vietnamese history,
Still I’m braver than all the draftees in the history of dodgery —
Through bankruptcy and blasphemy and all related tragedy,
There is one name I truly hate, it’s Michael Avenatti.

All:
There is one name he truly hates, it’s Michael Avenatti.
There is one name he truly hates, it’s Michael Avenatti.
There is one name he truly hates, it’s Michael Avenatti.

President:
For all of my buffoonery and dubious strategery,
My legacy will surely be, unsavory depravity;
But still I try to supplement, the news events with discontent,
I am the very tweeter of a bitter twitter president.

All:
But still he tries to supplement, the news events with discontent,
He is the very tweeter of a bitter twitter president.

Narrator:

(narrator stands)
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Captain Donald "H.M.S." Trump!
Sir, you truly are a modern, major general.

(Trump gives an obligatory bow)

Moderator:

Shifting our attention to the White House itself.  Bat Boy, it has been alleged that, if victorious, you might change the name of the White House… to the Night House.  Is there any truth to this?

Bat Boy:

Nooooo! (creepy)

Trump:


That’s the first thing he’ll do.  All of our great nation’s beautiful history.   From the Civil War to 9/11.  He’s going to flush it down the toilet.  Like one big royal flush.  It’s literally crap.  Totally disgusting.  And it’s bad for the environment too.  From the perspective, of… fecal.

Moderator:

President Trump, climate change has become an issue of tremendous significance.  Because if we don’t have an inhabitable planet, well, that pretty much speaks for itself.

Trump:

Listen, when it comes to climate change and energy, there are certain things, that we, as a country, should want.  Slick oil and clean coal.  And we want the wind to be brisk, so that windmills turn properly and are efficient.  And we want the sun to be hot.  Because that helps with the solar industry.

Look, all of the fake news says I want climate change.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  I’m just saying, there’s an upside to these things that the liberal media doesn’t want you to know.  It’s the reason… you want that sun to be hot, you need that sun to be hot. (Jack Nicholson - you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall).

And the sun is extremely hot.  And that’s good for solar.  Nobody cares about solar and the environment more than Trump.  Believe me, I want to see more of those beautiful solar panels.  They're so shiny.  Trump is a total environmentalist, and the fake news hates it.  And that’s why they never mention my stance on climate change.

Moderator:

Bat Boy, your thoughts on climate change…

Bat Boy:

It’s gettin’ hot in here, (so hot - Narrator blip)
Trump keep on all your clothes! (Nelly)

Narrator:

I am gettin’ so hot, I’m gonna take my clothes off. (narrator stands and does a mock strip dance)

Moderator:

Hot indeed. (moderator uses debate questionnaire to fan himself)

Bat Boy:

Feel the heat, burning you up, ready or not. (Power Station)

(Some like it hot - end of song Narrator blip)


Moderator:

Mr. President, building a wall along the U.S./Mexico Southern border was a major part of your campaign.  And it continues to shape your administration heading into…

Trump:

(interrupts)
If you don’t build the wall, you can’t have security.  How can you have security if you don’t build the wall?  (Pink Floyd - Another Brick in the Wall - If you don’t eat yer meat, you can’t have any pudding.  How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat yer meat)

Bat Boy:


I will fly over any wall. (defiantly) (spreads his cape)

I will fly like a Bat Boy, from my cave.  Fly like a Bat Boy, I will never be your slave.
Oh, oh, there’s a solution. (Steve Miller - Fly like an Eagle)

Moderator:

And that solution is?

Narrator:


(interjects) (stands up)
No Wire Fencing… EVER!!! (Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest)

Moderator:


Okay, moving on.  Mr. Trump, you have an established track record of promoting conspiracy theories when it seems to, shall we say, conveniently suit your political objectives.  Whether it’s Ted Cruz’s father’s involvement in the Kennedy assassination or that 3 to 5 million votes were cast illegally for Hillary Clinton.  Taking these previous incidents into account, would you finally be willing to offer your predecessor, President Barack Obama, an apology?  For all those years you continually made the claim that he was not a legal U.S. citizen?

Trump:


Listen, that was then and this is now.  When you’re a politician things can get ugly.  Now I’ve never been a politician, well until 2015 when I rode down the elevator at Trump Tower.  You remember that, right?  When I announced my campaign to make America great again.  They all said we couldn’t win.  But we did.  It was a beautiful thing.  Absolutely beautiful.

Bat Boy:


(interrupts)
Ugly!

Trump:


Don’t interrupt.

Bat Boy:


U-G-L-Y, you ain’t got no alibi, you’re ugly, hey hey, you’re ugly.

U.G.L.Y.  U.G.L.Y…. (Waves hands back and forth).  Hey, hey, hey… goodbye.
U.G.L.Y.  U.G.L.Y…. Hey, hey, hey… goodbye (encourages crowd)
U.G.L.Y.  U.G.L.Y…. Hey, hey, hey… goodbye (encourages crowd)

(fades)
(Bat Boy and the moderator exit)



SONG: Big Hands (Trump)


I offer digital morality
Without a hint of impropriety
And I always fill my rallies
The events are never small
All the cable networks say
I've got the biggest hands of all

I've got great fans (points to audience)
I've got big hands (admires hands)
And they're such big hands
Bigly big hands
And he's got small hands
And she's got small hands
But I've got the biggest hands of them all

And my hands are always clenching
To those I wish to rule
And everybody claps and claps again
One day I think you'll get the gist
Just listen to the choir
Everybody says
that my great words inspire

I've got great words (poetic gesture)
I've got big turds (farting gesture)
And they're such big words
Super big words
And he's got small words
And she's got small words
But I've got the biggest words of them all

Some words are used for clarity
And some under duress
But when they're used to denigrate
They're the words that I like best
My words are so denouncing
To the right but mostly left
It's my belief that my big words
will leave you quite depressed

I'm not insane (cuckoo gesture)
I've got big brain (blow your brains out gesture)
It's such a big brain
Smarter big brain
And he's got small brains
And she's got small brains
But I've got the biggest brains of them all

Narrator:

We'll be back in just a little bit. (Bob Weir - Grateful Dead set closing comment)


Set 2


O’Fortuna. (Ozzy Osbourne concert intro) 
(fans reclaim their seats) (actors take the stage)
(overlapped with errant cries)
 
Narrator:  Owwwh.  Owhhh.  Yeah, c’mon.  I said c’mon.  Let me see your cigarette lighters.  You aren’t loud enough.  I want it loud.  Louder.  Get those beers up!  Are you ready to go crazy?  I said go crazy!  You’re all fucking crazy!  Let the madness begin!

> (segue)

SONG: Iran Plan (Trump)

I have Iran plan

Treaty must be signed
Or your country will be fined
I will make the call
Ayatollah casts a pall

We'll give water and bread
This will keep them wet and fed
There's no nuclear scare
We must fight them over there

The threat is not real
Iron Sheik pathetic heel
Just like in his prime
We have always been maligned

Nobody helps us
As our flag is unfurled
Revving our engines
Dreams of hot war not cold

Could I be more clear?
This Iran plan is so near
Must make them behave
We will never be enslaved

Nobody likes us
They just lie in their beds
Nobody helps us
Back for more yet again

Nuclear bombs are bad
Using them would make us sad
Launching to blow up all man
Iran plan was "if than"

(abrupt end)

Moderator:

Welcome back!

Narrator:

(interrupts and stands up)
When you welcome people back, you should use the voice of Tom Araya from Slayer. (reflective pause)
Welcome Back! (Slayer voice)

Moderator:

Uh, yeah, okay. (dismissive) 
Thank you. Mr. Trump, for that unsolicited and somewhat demonic song of Iranian deterrence.

Now President Trump, during your first term, we’ve seen, time and time again, you display a certain degree of erratic and impulsive behavior.  Your temperament is, shall we say, unique.  Should voters be concerned that you have the unilateral capability to launch a nuclear attack?

Trump:

I’m really glad you asked that Eric, because not a lot of people know this, but when it comes to nuclear weapons… there’s a theory called “mutual deserved destruction.”  You can be assured that if we’re attacked with nuclear, I will not hesitate to retaliate with nuclear.  And that’s what this is really about.  This is what it all comes down to.  You need to be strong.  Until I became President, our military was dangerously underfunded.  But I came in and got over 700 billion dollars, that’s billion with a “b,” for our military.  Before that, the rest of the planet looked at us, and laughed at us.  They thought we were weak.  And we were.  Our military was depleted and falling apart.  But not anymore.

Moderator:


I think everyone would agree that the most important job of any president is to keep our country safe.

Bat Boy, in these dangerous times, exactly how will you keep the American people safe?  Also, many political pundits are perturbed about your prior peccadillos.  Specifically your penchant for biting your adversaries.  With the world’s fate, hanging in the balance, would you care to weigh in.

Bat Boy:  (Winston Churchill speech below strictly for reference purposes)

We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France,
we shall fight on the seas and oceans,
we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be,
we shall fight on the beaches,
we shall fight on the landing grounds,
we shall fight in the fields and in the streets,
we shall fight in the hills;
we shall never surrender,


I have come here to defend, I will bite at first glance
I will bite on the legs and ankles
I will bite from the mountains to the little houses on the prairies, from sea to shining sea, as far as the eye can see
I will bite with my speeches
I will bite and unleash the hounds
I will bite in the light and in the dark
I will bite just for thrills
I’m your public defender

Narrator:

Bat Boy, thank you for that Winstonian snippet of defensive belligerence.

Moderator:

President Trump, many voters have expressed apprehension with regard to your seemingly cozy relationship to Vladmir Putin...

Narrator:

(interrupts)
He can see Russia from the White House. (Sarah Palin voice)

Moderator:

Uh, moving along, President Trump, cyber-security is an evolving…

Trump:

(interrupts)
Yes!  Cyber.  All the experts are saying that nothing is more important than cyber.  And I agree.  That’s why I’m, still concerned about Crooked Hillary’s emails.  She deleted over 30,000 emails from her basement server. (exasperated)(points at Bat Boy) His server’s probably in a cave. Does that sound like secure server service?  You can’t even see the emails, let alone read them.  And even if you could see the emails, he’d probably be like… I don’t know what I read, I don’t know what I read… I don’t remember.  (mocking the gesticulations of the handicapped journalist - :18 mark)

Moderator:

Uh, thank you.  President Trump, many Americans are concerned about potential violations of the constitution’s emoluments clause.  They’re worried you might be exchanging political favors for patronage of your hotels, golf courses, and so on.  How can you allay these concerns?

Trump:

Pay attention when I say just how much I love this country.  We're doing things... things you wouldn't believe.  And I have the deepest respect for our constitution, and the wisdom, of the founding fathers.  You see, these were some very smart people.  Some really smart… cookies.  They knew what they were doing.  But nowadays, they’d be turning over in their graves.  Seeing what’s been going on in Congress, with the liars and the leakers and the phony investigations and everything else.  It’s all a disgusting witch hunt!

Moderator:


(interrupts)
Yes, but pertaining to the framers of the Constitution and the emoluments clause…

Trump:

(interrupts)
Guess what?  They were right!  The founders were 1000% correct! (reassuringly) That’s why we have all of these beautiful monuments all across our great country.  These statues are dedicated to these incredible people.  And now, there’s this other group of people.  And these other, horrible people, who want all the monuments taken down…

Bat Boy:

(interrupts)

Emoluments!  Not monuments.  Emoluments!

Trump:

I can’t even understand what he’s saying.  He's a disgrace.  See, this is why we need better education.  So that people can be smarter.  You see, that’s a good thing.  Instead of people being fooled by the fake news, who is trying to fool you.  You know, there's an old saying in West Virginia — I know it's in New York, probably in West Virginia — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again. (George W. Bush)

(You won't get fooled again - Who blip)

Moderator:


Would you care to elaborate?

Trump:

Yes, when it comes to education, we need to get back to the basics.  And stress the 3 R’s.  Reading, Writing and Arithmetic!  That’s the three R’s.  And who better than me.  Look, I wrote the Art of the Deal.  I wrote this beautiful book that is, by definition, RIGHT!  Right?  Not left.  Look at my liberal socialist opponent over there (spoken like Trump referring to ‘his African American’ - :13 mark) who wants to get rid of the English language.  (points at Bat Boy)  Look at him.  He wants us to speak Muslim and Hispanic.  Not to mention this whole Sharia thing.  It's a total... disgrace.

But none of that is going to happen.  Let me repeat that.  It’s not gonna happen. (softly) And how do I know this?

Because Eric, it’s the people.  Everywhere I go, they love me.  They trust me.  Huge crowds and long lines of people singing… "We want Trump, we want Trump."  And just when you think you’ve seen it all, there’s an even bigger crowd outside the stadium, or the arena, or wherever we go.  Now we don’t sell tickets to these events, of course.  But we could.

Moderator:


Thank you President Trump.

A quick followup.  You’ve shown a great disdain for those who belittle your presidency.  From the Saturday Night Live skits with Alec Baldwin to the annual Correspondent’s Dinner to the inflatable Trump baby hot air balloons…

Trump:

(interrupts)
Alex Baldwin is a has been (emphasis on Alex).  He’s a B-actor with a dying mediocre career.  And he’s a slobby slop! (accidental mispronunciation) (deep breath).  He’s terrible… and everyone knows it.  They’re just afraid to speak up.

Moderator:

Bat Boy, there has been a great deal of controversy surrounding President Trump's call to ban transgendered individuals from serving in the military.  What's your position?

Bat Boy:

Let's just say, that when it comes to military service and human sexuality, I have a bone to pick with cadet bone spurs. (emphasize the word 'bone')

Narrator:

(interjects) (stands upright)
Don't let your erection be your direction!

Moderator:

President Trump, while in office, you’ve repeatedly made claims that the world is a dangerous, even vicious place.  Specifically, which countries are a cause for concern?  Which ones keep you up at night?

Trump:

Oh, that’s so easy.  I made a list of 45 countries, because I’m the 45th President.  And I ranked them in order of who’s been naughty, and who’s been... nice.  Based on which ones I like, and how good they are… to us.  As you can see, we’re number 1.  These are the countries we need to keep an eye on.  But listen, I still want them to succeed.  And hey, we want all countries, to do, well.  So if you’re on the list, that’s absolutely beautiful.  Because guess what?

Uhh, listen, the world is not a perfect place.  It never has been.  But the world needs to know that we’re not going to be taken advantage of anymore.  Those days are over, believe me.

Narrator:


Forgive the intrusion, but can we get a hushed, whispering “U.S.A. U.S.A.” chant going?  You know how it’s always loud… U.S.A.! U.S.A! (shouted)  Well, we need a softer one for this bit.

(Narrator leads the hushed U.S.A. chant —- U.S.A.!  U.S.A.!)

SONG: INXS - Mediate  (background instrumental)

Narrator rolls out a roll of paper towels simulating a “wedding runner”
Everyone hoists their signs, taking turns, down the middle, like flamboyant models on a paper towel catwalk.  About 5 seconds per sign.  Cardboard signs w/ black sharpie handmade script.


Each person picks up their entire stack of 15 signs and flings them accordingly.
Progression: Trump, Bat Boy, Moderator.

YOU KNIGHTED STATES
CHAI NUH
GERM HONEY
IT ALL LEE
CAN ADD DUH
RUSH SHAH
OUST TRAIL YA
TYE WON
BELL JAM
TIE LAND
EYE RAN
FILL LIP PEENS
PACK KISSED DAN
CHILL LEE
PORCH OOH GOAL
CHECK RE PUB LICK
GREASE
EYE RACK
GUT TOUR
CUE WEIGHT
MORE HAWK OH
YOU CRANE
HECK QUAD DOOR
LUCK SIM BURG
YOU’RE RIG GAY
PAN UH MA
CROW ASIA
MUCK COW
BAR RAIN
LOT VIA
PEAR UGH WAY
LOUSE
BOAT SWAN NAH
BREW KNEE
BA HUMMUS
HATE TEA
LICKED ENDS TINE
FEE GEE
TOE GO
SEE AIR UH LEE OWN
LESS OWE THOUGH
BOO TAN
JIB BOOT TEE
BELL EASE
GRAIN ODD AH
SOME OWE UH

(all characters return to their positions)


Narrator:

Now I don’t mean to toot my own horn.  But beep beep!  Cuz,

I’m too sexy for this play (Right Said Fred- I’m too Sexy)
Too sexy for this play
Too sexy… okay? (lavish slur of “okay”)

Moderator:

Okay.  Welcome to the pitch perfect, classic rock throw down karaoke segment.   Let’s see who gets served!

Bat Boy, Donald Trump has referred to you as weak, little, low IQ, and even cold blooded.

Bat Boy:

(interrupts)
I’m hot blooded, check it and see, gotta fever of a hundred and three. (Foreigner - Hot Blooded)

Trump:


I’m a sinner.  I’m a winner.  Eatin’ chicken dinner.  Tweetin’ my words out just for fun. (Steve Miller - The Joker)

Bat Boy:

He’s a liar.  He’s a loser.  Election abuser.  Stealin’ votes out on the run. (Steve Miller - The Joker)

Trump:

I’m the smartest.  I’m the wealthiest.  Not the least bit unhealthiest.  Lovin’ the NRA and guns!  (Steve Miller - The Joker)

Bat Boy:


He’s a shithead.  He’s a dickhead.  Here’s to hopin’ he drops dead.  Prayin’ for melanoma from the sun. (Steve Miller - The Joker)

Ooooh, Ooooh. (Narrator blip)

Moderator:

Alright, I can see where this is going.  I’m going to step in here.  Let’s try and keep things respectful.

Trump:

(interrupts)
And I'll be taking care of business, every day (B.T.O - Takin Care of Business)
Taking care of business, every way
I've been taking care of business, it's all mine
Taking care of business and working overtime, work out

(Trump starts doing jumping jacks, arm circles, any physical exercise)

Moderator:

Please, Mr. Trump.  Please try to restrain yourself. (Trump wipes the sweat from his brow)

Bat Boy, there has been so much division in our country.  What can you do to bring us together?  And... and how will you do it?

Bat Boy: 

I’m both left wing (raises left side of cape) (pause) and right wing (raises right wing).  I’m you’re everything! (mesmerized talk show circuit yammering)

Moderator:

Alright, this portion of the debate is called the lighting round.  Five questions per candidate.  I’ll say something, anything… and you respond with the first thing that pops into your head.

President Trump, your favorite song?

Trump:


Amazing Grace.

Moderator:


Your least favorite social media forum:

Trump:

Uh, MySpace

Moderator:

Your favorite movie:

Trump:

Scarface

Moderator:


What’s your opinion of Stormy Daniels?

Trump:

Horse Face

Moderator:


And Robert Mueller?

Trump:

He’s a disgrace!

Moderator:


Thank you President Trump.  Perhaps you missed your poetic calling.

Alright, Bat Boy, you’re up!  Your favorite day of the week?

Bat Boy:

Election Day!  (thoughtful pause) Tuesday Bloody Tuesday!  (holds up miniature American flag and marches in place - Bono, Red Rocks)

Moderator:

Your favorite legal beverage?

Bat Boy:

Bloody Mary (holds up stalk of celery and continues marching)

Moderator:

What’s your blood type?

Bat Boy:


My blood type is Aaaaa!  (Spoken like Fonzie, double thumbs up)
(These Happy Days are yours and mine, happy days! Narrator blip)

Moderator:

And your favorite Slayer album?

Bat Boy:

Reign in blood.  (Angel of Death opening scream Narrator blip)

Moderator:


Your favorite biblical plague

Bat Boy:

It’s a tie.  Plague of darkness and plague of BLOOD!

Moderator:


I can’t resist.  Just one more question, sir.  You’re such a student of history.  What is your favorite historical quote?

Bat Boy:


The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.

Moderator:

Well that was interesting.  It would seem as though you have a fixation with blood.

So whaddya say we try out something new?

Bat Boy, truth or dare?

Bat Boy:

Dare!

Moderator:


I dare you to spit on the President of the United States.

Bat Boy:


(looks at Trump) Salutations (extends a salute)… and SALIVATIONS! (spits at Trump, but badly misses)

Trump:


(condescendingly mocks)
See!  Terrible on our Second Amendment.  Can’t even spit straight, let alone shoot straight.  Wants to take away your guns.  And your sacred, holy right, to bear arms.  It's disgusting.  Just don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

Moderator:

President Trump, truth or dare?

Trump:

I’ll take the truth.

Narrator:


(sarcastically interjects)
Because the truth will set you free, right?

Moderator:

Mr. President, have you ever told a lie?

Trump:

Well that’s a stupid question.  If there’s one thing about politicians, it’s that they’re all liars!  But have I ever told a lie?  No, NEVER!

You see when a person lies, you just can’t trust them.  So I make it a point to never lie.  And when I say never, I mean never.

(Heart’s Nancy Wilson - NEVER, NO NEVER Narrator blip)


I never lie. And that’s 100 percent… the truth (say “the truth” like Trump says “Roy Moore”).

Bat Boy:


(interrupts)
Mendacious bastard!  (Insolent bastard, Braveheart).

Moderator:


Excuse me?

Bat Boy:

I have no time for this bastard! (points at Trump) (I have no time for these bastards, Braveheart)

Moderator:

Bat Boy, I’m not one to advocate for censorship, but we ask that you refrain from using profanity.

Mr. President, your term in office has largely been defined by mismanagement and scandal, lies and rolling disclosure, as well as allegations of obstruction and collusion.

Trump:

There you go.  That’s the fake news.  All lies.  You wanna know something?  I’ve been doing a little investigationary research of my own.  And it seems that history is repeating itself.  Once again, the Democrats nominated a candidate who refuses to show his birth certificate.  So I sent a team of investigators to the caves of West Virginia, to look into the origins, of our friend here (points at Bat Boy) and you won’t believe what they’ve found. (mimicking the Hawaii investigation)

Moderator:


And what did they find?

Trump:


Guess what?  No birth certificate whatsoever.  And here’s why that’s really important.  The first time anybody even heard of this Bat Boy, was in 1992, when he was allegedly spotted in a West Virginia cave, as it was reported in the Weekly News and World Report, which, by the way, is a really fine and accurate publication.  Not like the washed up Washington Post or the Failing New York Times.
 
Now let’s do the math 2020 - 1992 = 28 years.  Now Eric, if you take a second and read your constitution, it sets the minimum age for the presidency at 35.  That’s off by 7 years. (exasperated)

Moderator:


So what exactly are you saying?

Trump:

I’m saying that he’s not old enough to be the president.  This isn’t my opinion.  It’s just the plain facts.  Now you might not like it, but that’s just the way it is.

(That’s just the way it is, something’s will never change - Bruce Hornsby blip).

Moderator:


Well even if what you’re saying is completely accurate, 1992 is the year he was spotted in the cave, not necessarily, the day Bat Boy was born.

Bat Boy:

True Dat!

Trump:


Nothing true about you.  It’s all lies!  You’re a liar!  And a spelunker! (emphasis on spelunker) You hang out in the dark.  And here’s some breaking news... 

You’re not even a he... or a she…  You’re an… it! (utter disbelief)

Moderator:

Excuse me?

Trump:

You're excused!  Hey, it was bad enough when we had a crooked female woman, Humpback Hillary running for president.  Now we have an it.  This thing is an it!  (points at Bat Boy)  It’s an it and everyone knows it!  Well, I think the American people know better than to elect someone who’s not even a human being.  We really need to lock him up! (inadvertently refers to Bat Boy as "him")

Lock it Up!  Lock it Up!
(Trump leads the audience in a brief “Lock it up” chant)

You’re a loser.  Such a loser.  I’ve never seen such a loser.

Narrator:

I can’t believe it's losing to this guy.  (Jon Lovitz as Michael Dukakis on SNL)

Moderator:

Okay, left me sift through this.  Mr. President, so you’re saying that Bat Boy fails the necessary qualifications to be President?
In not one way, but two ways? (curious)

Trump:

That’s exactly what I’m saying.  And it doesn’t matter what the definition of it… is. (Bill Clinton jab).  Doesn’t even matter.

Narrator:

(stands up)
But wait, there’s more. (infomercial voice)

Trump:

Yes, there is more.  I have video evidence of him biting off the head of a bat.  He’s a, he’s a, he's a... cannibal!

Moderator:


What? (gasps in disbelief).  This is unprecedented!

Trump:

That’s right!  This cannibal was at a campaign rally in Des Moines, Iowa. And someone threw a bat on stage and he picked it up and bit its head off.  He took a big bite.  Without hesitation!  It was the chomp heard round the world.  This helpless, beautiful bat and he tried to eat it for dinner, like Hannibal Lechter.  He’s going to give everyone rabies!  (bizarre sound and facial gesticulation after the fava beans and nice chianti reference from Silence of the Lambs - :10 mark

The whole thing makes me sick.  (fake vomit gesture from Trump)

Bat Boy:

(interrupts)

Mama, don’t let your babies throw up and get rabies. (Willie Nelson)


Trump:

(interrupts)
Quiet!  Listen, this is all in the bible.  It’s all in the holy bible.  He’s going to bring a bunch of plagues to America.  Rabies is the least of your concerns.  There’ll be other diseases too.  Polio.  Smallpox.  Anthrax.  And… cholera! (emphasis on cholera)

I rest my case.  I don’t think any more evidence is necessary.  (pause)

Moderator:

Well, President Trump, you’ve certainly given us a lot to think about.  Bat Boy, can you offer a rebuttal?

Bat Boy:

Voters of West Virginia!  I am Bat Boy!  And I see before me, a whole constituency of voters, here in defiance of corruption.  You’ve come to listen as wise citizens… and wise you are.  What will you do without wisdom?  Will you bite? (Braveheart - 1:36 mark)

Narrator:

(narrator stands up)
Bite?  And argue with that?  (points at Trump)  No!  We will cower.  And be indifferent.

Bat Boy:

Aye, bite and you may lose.  Cower and you’ll survive… at least a while.  And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the elections, from this one to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell those Trumpers, that they may steal our country, but they’ll never steal… OUR ELECTIONS! (Braveheart)

BAT BOY BITES BACK! (Alba qu bra! - Braveheart  - 2:51 mark)

SONG: Bat Boy Bites Back (Bat Boy)

Oh, my God (New Martinsville), look at Trump’s gock (Narrator)
It is so big, he looks like
he might be wearin’ depends
Maybe it’s all those burgers and fries
Oh gnarly!  What if he’s an outtie?
Some people call it a pussy pillow or man-gunt
I mean his gock, is just so big
It’s just this giant mound of tan flab, it’s like out there
I mean gross, look
He’s just such a piece of shit

I hate your tweets and those who reply
Have you heard of eye for an eye
That when you tweet and retweet, hashtag, copy and paste
Exclamation in my face
You’ll get punched, you wanna get rough
Cause your fat ass looks overstuffed
Flamin’ faggot youz a flaring
All the insults I’m not sparing
Oh Tiny, I wanna bitch slap ya
and give a lecture
Not gonna pay you a fee
wash those tightie whities (oh mi laundry)
Ooh, jumbo two chins
You know I ain't here to make amends
I'll slice you, dice you
Shit you like a pile of poopie
I'll chop your dick off
It's limp beef stroganoff
You’re one, done
You ain’t headin’ back to Air Force One
Mighty ugly with those genes
Fucking baby, aint’ no king
Take the average Bat Boy, he’ll tell you that
Your diaper pack is wack
So Trumpers (Yeah), Trumpers (Yeah)
Is the president full of shit (Hell yeah)
I’m gonna shake it (shake it) Bake it (bake it)
Break that wealthy putz
Bat Boy bites back

Bat boy bites back

Trump is a clown, fat pig
Some propecia and a wig
He should just kill himself, now maybe that ain’t rational
Light a damn candle
And screw that plastic comb
And cut, scissor up, cut, cut
I’ll show you the real McCoy
My insulin shots will bring the noise
I’d even use Gary Busey
Trump tower is in trouble
Mar-a-Lago’s rubble
Shavin’ points off a daily double
So I’m closin’ down those casinos
Washed up Joe Blows thinkin’ he knows
You can have them Joe Blows
’ll scald you with a cup-a-Joe
A word to the terror-istas, I want to drink with ya
Blow a cap up in ya
But I’m gonna tell it like it is, you are a schmuck
Big ‘ol sick fat fuck
Baby with a used tampon
Because we knew it all along
Cause your ass likes to take it and take it
You need to be weighed and spayed 
Bang a gong, get it on
It’s time to get the prescription drawn
You’re crazy (Yeah), Crazy (Yeah)
Why do you act like a cryin’ baby? (Hell yeah)
Take your tantrum, do not pout
It sounds like you got the gout
Bat Boy Bites Back

Bat Boy Bites Back
Yeah, it’s time, to rip out your fingernails
You know I ain’t bluffin’
Next up is your castration
Mini dick, saggy balls, mini dick
Ha ha, now you got no pee pee

So your wife says she’s the FLOTUS, doesn’t want to sleep with POTUS
But POTUS don’t got the mojo, to stick it in the FLOTUS
Your mushroom dick is no damn fun
Fatter than ReRun, Son
You got no friends, just screw-ups

And a super bad haircut (mclovin’)
Your mother gave birth to a lard troll
And we know you ain’t got no soul
Smell like arm pit, you dim wit
All with the face of a catcher’s mitt
Got bone spurs, no combat
You ain’t no diplomat
Cause your hands are small and your nose is pickin’
Eat Kentucky Fried Chicken
To the Halloween ginger Franken-steens
You ain’t shit, right wing
Look like a blister, hair in a twister
Broken Wings of Mister Mister
Some muttonhead fried or baked
Usin’ ketchup on that steak
Your big fat mouth is full of phlegm
With nothin’ up in that cranium
McDonald, since your hair is clowned
And you need a value meal to wolf down
Better call the bomb squad and the SWAT
Cuz I’m callin’ all the shots
Bat Boy Bites Back

Bat Boy Bites Back

Narrator:

Wow!  Well I don’t think anyone saw that coming.

Bat Boy:


(final plea to the audience) All the world’s a cage. (turns to Trump)
But you will be locked in a cage of steel.  A steel-slatted cage.

Trump:

Oh yeah, for what?  What’s my crime?

Bat Boy:

You are guilty of seven crimes.  Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy and Pride.  You call them sex, fat, money, lazy, hate, spite and smug.

And you look like a muppet! (shows a plush toy of Beaker-Trump lookalike)

Trump:

No muppet, no muppet.  You’re the muppet.  No, you’re the muppet. (defiant) (from the Trump vs. Clinton debate)

(an incensed Bat Boy throws the muppet at Trump, or into the crowd, and all hell breaks loose)

Fight Scene

SONG:  Voi Vod instrumental - Bat Man

(Totally random violence at the complete discretion of Trump and Bat Boy.  Dollar Store props can be used as well).


(Narrator holds up 10 different cardboard signs during the brawl, comparable to the original Batman and Robin fight scenes):  BITCH, LARD, TWEET, OINK, DUMB, PHAT, ASS, BALD, LIES, $$$)

(On the crescendo of the final note, Bat Boy bites Trump on the neck)

Bat Boy:

Hasta La Vista, Jag-Off!  (Arnold Schwarzenegger)
Bat Boy bites back! (declares in triumph)

(Trump gets woozy and collapses on the stage)
(optional — Bat Boy kicks him while he’s down)
(Bat Boy stands over him in triumph) (flexed muscles pose)

(Bat Boy slowly exits the stage)

Trump:

I'll be back, Bat Boy. (exhausted Arnold Schwarzenegger) (directed at Bat Boy as he exits the stage)

I get knocked down, but I get up again.  You’re never gonna keep me down. (Chumbawumba)
(staggering to his feet, muttering and regaining strength)

(Everyone except Trump exits the stage)
(Trump takes center stage)
(Trump rips off his wig and throws it to the ground)

SONG:  This was a song of hate (Trump)

If the lord told me the cash was gone
T’would cut me like a knife
No more big ‘ol aer-o-planes
With just a Big Mac and no life (Unknown Comic McDonald’s bag)

My name is Donald Trump
Still they call me man-bay-bay
But my manhood’s not in question (rips off bag)
With these big hands on display (shows hands)

And I’m proud to be your President
Where I live in a big White House
And I won’t forget my sons who lied
When I cheated on my spouse (pelvic thrust)
You should gladly stand up, clap for me (applause motion)
And applaud all night and day
Cause there ain’t no doubt
I am your God (sign language for “God”)
I’ve brought you here today

From the pools of Mar-A-Lago
to the sewers of N.Y.C.
the beautiful casinos
and Trump University (graduation hat)

Suits and ties, with red ball caps
our fashion’s gone astray
Heard the locker room talk with Billy Bush
just grab ‘em by the puuus… SAYYYY! (Say whaaaat?!! Narrator - high pitched voice) (pussy hat)

And I’m proud too be your president
Cuz I know it’s all ‘bout me
And I won’t forget the tears you cried
When they elected me
Still I want your money!  Cash from you
Support from Kim and Kanye
Cause there ain’t no doubt
It’s a bait ’n switch
I love the K.K.K. (Klan hat) (Whazzup Budwesier scream blip)

And I’m proud to be your president
Say goodbye to humanity
But we’ll make our country great again (MAGA hat)
Just you wait and see
And I’ll proudly jack off, in your face (masturbation gesture) 
As it’s all fake news per se
Cause there ain’t no doubt
I have big hands (have big hands - all) (jazz hands gesture)
This was a song of hate! (transitionally flips off the audience)


(Everyone returns and takes a bow)
(Outro music of MMM MMM MMM MMM instrumental)


(Depending on who won the actual vote tally, there are two distinct ending scenes).
(The more likely encore - Bat Boy wins)

Narrator:
(likely scenario)

We have tallied the popular vote.  And in a landslide, it’s the challenger Bat Boy with 122 votes to Trump’s 13 votes.

And your winner and NEW PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA… BAT BOY! (Bruce Buffer)


SONG:  We Will Bite You (Bat Boy)

Trumpy you're a joke take a big toke
Bone spurs on your feet ginger clown and chief in place
Flood of blood on yo face
You got no grace
Fuckin you are the shame of your race

Suckin'

We will we will bite you
We will we will bite you

Trumpy you're an old fart fat fuck
Straight up piece of shit boweled in a toilet today
Stick a spud in your ass
You got no class
Bat Boy's gonna turn up the nitrous gas!

We will we will huff you
(Suck it!)
We will we will huff you

Trumpy you're a douchebag small dick
Mohel with a knife, gonna give you a bris today
Bleedin' like Angel Falls
Biggie Smalls
Bat Boy is gonna bite the skin off your balls (testes)
(Testes - Beastie Boys 'pussy' tease from You Gotta Fight For Your Right to Party)

We will we will castrate
(Slice it!)
We will we will castrate
We will we will castrate
We will we will castrate

>

We're Homosapiens

Trump sucked my dick
Dumpity dum
I spewed my venom
And he spat out my cum

I know the stakes
Copulation
My sperm has swim and swam the great race, E
Jaculation
(Cum all over you, and you, and you, and you)

We're homosapiens, my peeps
And we'll keep on rollin' in the deep
We're homosapiens
We're homosapiens
No more abortions
Cause we're homosapiens undeserved

We're not sitting still
We're taking a stand
Do you know this is about the trials and tribulations
of mortal man

But inside the ovaries
fallopian tubes
We've examined and researched this all too familiar theory
Since the god damn big boom
(Cum all over you, and you, and you, and you)

We're homosapiens, my peeps
And we'll keep on rollin' in the deep
We're homosapiens
We're homosapiens

No more abortions
Cause we're homosapiens undeserved
We're homospaiens, my peeps
And we'll keep on rollin' in the deep

We're homosapiens
We're homosapiens
No more abortions
Cause we're homosapiens

THE END


Or



(assuming Trump wins the vote)

Narrator: (unlikely scenario)

We have tallied the popular vote. And it’s Donald J. Trump with 45 votes to Bat Boy’s 42 votes.

And your winner and STILL PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA… DONALD J. TRUMP! (Bruce Buffer)


SONG:  Stormy Daniels (Trump)

Stormy Daniels
She’s so fine
Hair not nappy
I’ll make her mine

Stormy Daniels
I rode and drove her
In the bedroom and the sauna
Upon her body I climb

So here’s to her bushy poon
And to her va-gine-er-ee
I became so engrossed
Paid her a fee

One hundred thirty grand paid
No matter what you say
You know our love
Will not fade away

(Narrator engages the crowd)

Narrator:

You know our love will not fade away.

Moderator, Trump, Bat Boy:

Bop, Bop... Bop, Bop.

(Grateful Dead Not Fade Away clap / encore chant)

Crowd — You know our love will not fade away
Characters — bop, bop… bop, bop.

(Several refrains)

TRUMP: 

(abruptly)
Hold the phone!  (whips out his cell phone)

I’m getting some top secret national security information.  Oh my god, a plane has been hijacked and it could be heading towards the Lincoln Theater in New Martinsville.  Don’t worry I’ll take care of this. (starts tweeting)

I’ll just tweet, “National Emergency.  Hijacked airplane could be targeting the Lincoln Theater.  Get these people outta here!  NOW!!!”

(A confused Trump suddenly realizes what he just tweeted and takes off running for the exit).
(random crowd panic noises for the duration)

Bat Boy:

(Bat Boy looks at his cell phone)
Bat Boy, phone home.  Bat Boy, phone home (ET bit, as he takes off running for his life)

Moderator:


(moderator looks at his cell phone)
Everyone!  Make like a tree and leave! (moderator runs for the exit)

Narrator:

Get outta here! Get the fuck outta here. (Joe Pesci - Good Fellas) (Narrator remains seated)

(Obviously, this “phantom scene” is the alternate ending, in the event of a Trump victory).

THE END