Sunday, July 31, 2016

Donald Trump, Rational Behavior and the Nuclear Codes

Hillary has taken aim at Trump over the possibility of him having the authority to launch nuclear weapons.  This is an incredibly powerful statement and strategy.  I expect you'll hear more of it as the campaign lumbers on.

Not many people really understand what it means to have the nuclear codes.  It's often referred to as a "briefcase" or "football" --- terms that help dangerously simplify the notion of nuclear devastation to the American commoner.  Here's what it currently means in the real-world.

510 nuclear weapons aimed at Russia
130 nuclear weapons aimed at China
50 nuclear weapons aimed at North Korea
40 nuclear weapons aimed at Iran
20 nuclear weapons aimed at Syria

Keep in mind, there is no dress rehearsal or "recourse."  If the commander in chief chooses to launches a strike of any kind, the military chain of command has no authority to object or second guess the decision.  This is a big deal.  Especially in the current climate of social media hoaxes, hacking and technological disinformation.  And it's something Hillary should exploit.

The Clinton-Kaine campaign has done a pretty good job of characterizing Trump as mentally unstable and easily provoked.  He lashes out against anyone and everyone... as portrayed in his nonstop twitter crusades.  Nobody is safe.  Fellow Republican presidential candidates, the handicapped, U.S. military generals, prisoners of war, high profile businessmen, celebrities, reporters, women, Mexicans, Muslims, etc.  The list is by-definition ENDLESS.  Because like he always says, whenever he gets personally attacked, he "hits back hard."  Even his most ardent supporters would agree with this assessment.  It's the Trump de facto approach to everything and everyone.

The Clinton campaign should make a commercial about this.  I expect they already have one in the works.  If not, they are absolute fools. 

Here's how I'd frame it.  I would use Trump's personal video and audio statements about his penchant for "destroying his enemies" and how he flippantly likes to "hammer", "slaughter", "massacre" his opponents.  "Take them out at the knees."  And a quick reminder --- these are our fellow Americans.  Imagine what he might do to our economic or geo-political adversaries.  Exactly what is this man capable of doing?  After all, nobody knows for sure what goes on in the mind of The Donald. 

Then, I would specifically reference former presidential candidates who were defeated.  Nobody ever questioned the prospect of Mitt Romney having his finger on the button.  Nobody ever questioned John Kerry's rationality.  Or John McCain's judgement.  Granted, it got a little dicey when you threw Sarah Palin into the mix.  But Al Gore?  Nope.  Bush Sr.?  Nope.  Senator Dole?  Nope.  Go all the way back to Dukakis and Carter.

Why is this effective?  Because you may have disagreed with their style, economic philosophy or political party.  But you didn't fear the prospect of a "madman" at the helm.

Throw out the names of all former candidates for the last 4 decades or so.  These are human beings that people remember... because they personally identified with them and cast votes for them.  They're also candidates that, with the passage of time, people have grown to respect and in some cases, adore.  Nobody still despises Jimmy Carter or Bob Dole.  Draw the distinction.  Compare and contrast pictures of Trump with the people he would eagerly refer to as "losers."  Focus on George Bush Sr. who proudly served... while Trump had 4 deferments from Vietnam.

Then you close out the commercial.  But Donald Trump???  Show a picture of him where he's physically enraged.  And then scroll a fast-forward list of his personal twitter tirades.   Just fast enough where you can't physically discern the content but you know the tweets are real.  Make it so that the viewer would have to actually engage their Tivo and watch the list in slow motion.  In a word... this list is HUGE (and can be very unforgiving).

Why would this be particularly effective?  Because it demonstrates intellectual superiority when it comes to social media... which is supposed to be Trump's biggest strength.  Also, it uses his own words (and streaming tweets) against him.  This is the correct way to demonize an opponent.  Using an individual's own words against them.  Anyone can hurl insults and attacks.  Trump chooses the latter strategy.  Probably because it worked so well for him in the primary.  The general election is an admittedly different animal.  Because everyone gets to vote.  Not just the alabaster skinned Alabamians.

Does anyone recall Obama's ad against Mitt Romney in 2012.  Incredibly effective.  Probably one of the best in the history of presidential campaigns.  At least I thought it was.  I'd take the same approach but construct it on a steroid, blood doping-meth level that literally blows your mind.

Clinton strategists --- gimme a ring.

304-312-1395 and ask for Saf

And the best news of all?  I won't charge you a penny.

If you're heading up the Trump Train, I'm willing to devise an equally effective anti-Hillary ad.  But it's gonna cost ya.  Probably about a million.  Sounds like a pretty good deal if you wanna win the election for President of the United States.

I'd call that a bargain.  The best I ever had.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

The Big Hillary Speech

Tonight's the night.  Hillary Clinton gives her acceptance speech.  The first ever female presidential candidate.  That's some iconic shit!  Sarah Palin's VP spot on the 2008 ticket doesn't quite match up.  Not as epic.

Not sure of the prevailing theme tonight, but I do have a prediction as to her opening lines (content, style, delivery).  I think I might have nailed this one spot-on.  So naturally, I took a moment to jot down this historic, "expectance" speech.

Hillary walks on stage to some melodramatic, hyperbolic display of god-knows-what.

After the applause subsides, I have a hunch that she'll take on a very different persona, an  "irresistibly, self-deprecating" approach.  Obviously because it provides a perfect contrast to Trump the Narcissist.  They've already done a decent job of portraying him as juvenile and obnoxious, and to some extent, mentally unstable.  So how about we finish the job?  Go after him for being "inhuman."

Hillary: "Thank you, Thank you... Thank you" (6x over a generous period of about 83 seconds)

Hillary: "Have you ever heard the expression... "Well, it looks like they saved the best for last"?  Well, it's the end of the last night and...  HERE. I. AM !!! (bold sarcasm)

"Yeah, uh right. (sheepish, sarcastic admission)

"So I guess the time has arrived for Hillary's big speech!" (deliberately use the first person tense).

"Seriously, that's how I'm going to refer to myself from now on.  Just like my opponent.  You know... The Donald!?!?  From this day forth, you can refer to me as... "The Hillary!" (use a demented, wavy voice)

(pan the crowd for a variety of delegates and their hysterical reaction)

Then, have Hillary do her patented cackle laughter.  (additional self-deprecation)

(make her sound extemporaneous)

Hillary: "You know, a lot of people make fun of me for my funny laugh."  Well, don't worry about me."  (reassuringly)  "Trust me, I can take it."  (subtle reminder that she's tough and Trump picks on people with disabilities)

"But ya wanna know something that's not funny???   It's the prospect of a Donald Trump presidency.  (pause) "Because hey, that ain't funny!  

That's just downright terrifying!" (have her intentionally use the Southern colloquial "ain't", not "isn't", while sounding exhausted and appearing exasperated). 

crowd is guaranteed to go nuts

"So yes, I have a big speech to give!"

"But seriously, how on earth am I supposed to compete with our first lady Michelle Obama's speech???" (mention something about Sasha and Malia playing with their dog on the White House lawn).

deafening applause

"And what about last night, uh, her husband... our President of the Untied States of America???  Barack Obama?"  (more applause, continue to push the inclusive unity theme)  Divulge a secret campaign story from their 2008 rivalry.

"And what about my friends Jill and Joe?   You wanna know some people who have a clue?"  (a reference to when Biden said that Trump doesn't have a clue)  Well, I'll tell ya who has clue!  (Wait 5 seconds)  Them!

(applause continues)

"But you wanna know someone who doesn't have a clue?  Well, I'll give you a hint.  His last name rhymes with dump.  We'll say it on three.  One... two... three...  

crowd screams TRUMPPPP (gives the crowd some token involvement)

(calmly) "Trust me Donald... I'm sure you'll tweet about it tomorrow... but THAT WASN'T AN ENDORSEMENT.  (loud Hillary voice)

crowd goes nuts again

"And how about Bill?"

"Let's just say... that in the summer of 1971... I met a boy."  then have her divulge some "secret" that is only known between the two of them... maybe a comical story about Chelsea as a baby.  (everyone loves a baby story)  And show Bill's disbelief and incredulity that she would bring up something so private in front 50 million viewers). 

"And that leads me to my daughter Chelsea and my darling son-in-law (whatever his name is) and our wonderful grandkids X and Y.  I just love you all so much.  And I'm just so proud of the woman you've become."  (if she can force a tear... that would be gold).     

Generous pause.  (show repeated clips of the family and a few heavy hitters in the audience)

"And what about Senator Bernie Sanders from the Green Mountain State of Vermont?!?!? (say something about the heated campaign, but how they share the same vision.  How they're both willing to fight for what's right).

"And what about Senators Corey Booker and Elizabeth Warren?  And what Gabby?"  Rattle off a few of the other names of previous dynamic speakers and what led them to the podium.  Especially if they brought the house down.  Stuff like the woman whose only gay son was killed in the Orlando club massacre.   Then you focus on the NRA.  Get the gist?  Can you gather the inference? 

This is how I'd segue-way into a strong policy speech.  Reference the speakers who emotionally moved the audience from the previous 3 nights.  Remind the crowd of those specific, memorable moments.  Speak vicariously through their experiences.  This helps soften the level of unreasonably high expectations.  Also gives Bernie super-fans less incentive to interrupt.  And it's also a continual reminder that the Dems are the party of inclusion.  They're the love party... not the hate party.

Go heavy into a string of policy driven statements and initiatives.  Outline the next 4 years of a Hillary administration... as opposed to the reactionary Trump and his carnival barking.  But don't totally make it about Hillary vs. Trump --- her vs. him.  Don't make it a personality war.  Stick to your bread and butter.  Experience.  Temperament.  Strength.  Judgement.  Offer specific proposals and major priorities for the future... instead of vague rhetoric and infantile trash talk.

Close it with a "My name is Hillary... and granted... my slogan might be 'I'm with her'... but America... lemme tell ya something America. "I'M WITH YOU!!!  AND I WILL ALWAYS FIGHT FOR YOU!!!"  AND I WILL ALWAYS FIGHT FOR OUR CHILDREN AND THEIR FUTURE!!!  (cue that infinitely repetitive "this is my fight song, take back my life song"). 

Everyone floods the stage to embrace Hillary and her bosomy resolve.

So there ya go.  That's the general gist of my Hillary "expectance" speech.  Curious to see if I'm that far off.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

the redprint

I suppose you could call this a blueprint... err uhh, "redprint" for a 2016 Trump victory.

Obviously, if you're on Team Trump, the goal is to secure the most votes.  But as Al Gore found out in 2000, that doesn't always work.  Hell, he got a half million votes more than W.  Still, George still eked out a narrow victory in the electoral college.  However, votes are good.  Right?

Not necessarily. 

Ralph Nader's presence on the Green Party ticket totally screwed over the founder of the internet.  Had it not been for Nader's decision to run, Gore would have become president and the last 15 years would have likely unfolded in a vastly different way.  Hint: no incentive for ousting Saddam, hence no war in Iraq.

The margins in the 2000 election were so slim that it simply became a matter of numbers and percentages.  A similar dynamic has emerged in this election cycle as well.

So if you're on the Trump Train (a/k/a the Jag-Off Express), the trick is to get diehard Bernie Sanders supporters to NOT cast a vote for Hillary Clinton.

By most estimates, the Sanders vote represents nearly half of the Democratic party.  That's a massive contingency of dedicated, reliable, activist voters.  These aren't the type of people who will voluntarily stay home on election night.  They are by definition "super-voters."  But here's the problem --- the overwhelming majority of these people sure as hell aren't going to vote for Trump.

But if you're a Trumpeter, that's fine and dandy.  And here's why.

Their campaign's mission should be to persuade the greatest number of Sanders supporters to vote Libertarian... by any means possible.  Judging from his behavior on the campaign trail, I seriously doubt Trump (or Hillary for that matter) would have any moral qualms about disingenuously poisoning the popular vote.  The question is --- if a political adviser went to him and said... "Hey, I think the clearest path to victory is to push the Libertarian party and their agenda," well, the question is, "would Donald bite?"  As the biggest egomaniac in the history of presidential politics... the answer is... probably not.  But as a self-professed strategist, polling connoisseur and calculating businessman... the answer becomes... maybe or even quite possibly.

Once again.

The objective:  Do NOT try to get the disaffected Berners to vote for Donald.  Why?  Because it's an exercise in total futility.  They won't do it.  Those Sanders loyalists will NEVER support Trump.  However, a significant percentage might be persuaded to vote Libertarian.  Just enough to fuck with the plurality.  Think of it like George Bush Sr. getting screwed over by Ross Perot in 1992 when Bill Clinton won.  But this time, the third candidate would emerge from the center-left, not the center-right.

So here's the Libertarian ticket: Gary Johnson and William Weld.

Johnson is the former Republican governor of New Mexico (a purple state) and Bill Weld is the former Republican governor of Massachusetts (a solidly blue state).  Both were popular governors and still have generally high approval ratings.  Even though most voters have no idea who the hell they are.  But guess what?  I think that might change.  Especially if they were to squeak into the debates.  Maybe one of the networks will surprise us (that means they think it'll get them higher ratings/increased revenue).  But for the love of Sir Edmund Hillary, it's the accuracy of "the national polling" that determines whether or not they're included in the pinnacle of presidential debates!  Yeah, right.  Gimme a fucking break. 

The Libertarian platform is grounded in economic conservatism (balanced budgets, fair taxation, reduced government) and social liberalism (pro-choice, pro-LGBT, prison reform, equal pay).  This is where most of the country is trending.  Less government, greater personal freedom and restrained use of military power abroad.  It's also where most Sanders supporters are ideologically aligned.  It's a reasonable fit.

So here's how you get Trump into the White House.

Spend big in the key swing states where Hillary is neck and neck or has a slight lead.  Obviously, OH-PA-FL.  But I'd also throw in NH, IA, WI and some of the other rust belt states.

Make targeted anti-Hillary ads about social issuesHit her where it hurts.  Where she derives the greatest amount of political capital.  Where her and the Sanders vote ideologically coincide.

Drugs and crime --- Marijuana legalization and the failed war on drugs.  Focus on incarceration rates among minorities and the private prison monolith.  This stuff resonates with the Sanders contingency.  Those hippies love their dope.  Sour Diesel, Bubblicious, White Rhino, etc.  Trust me, I know whereof I speak.

The Clinton administration (1992-2000) was widely responsible for the massive funding increases of local police departments.  Directly heap blame upon him and Hillary for the current police state and their militarized behavior.  All those internet videos of cops shooting unarmed victims are turbo-charged, emotional whirlpools.  More will surface before the election.  Draw the link.

Gay marriage --- People tend to forget that Hillary (and even Obama) were opposed to gay marriage UNTIL it became politically expedient.  In essence, neither had the moral vision UNTIL it was politically safe.  In the 2008 primary, they couldn't get on board with marriage equality.  Why?  Because they knew the political tide hadn't yet shifted and it might hurt them in the swing states.  A reminder of her calculated hypocrisy on gay marriage would be devastating.  By contrast, to the best of my knowledge, Gary Johnson has always been a supporter of gay marriage.  Play the "queer card."

Fact: 5 - 10% of the population is gay.  Even those weirdo log cabin Republicans are having misgivings about Trump and the party at-large.  And like I've been saying, a vote for Gary Johnson becomes more than a vote against Hillary.  It is a vote FOR Trump.  Lest I remind ye that this whole thing is a numbers game.

I'd also consider going after Hillary on the God issue.  Let's face the facts.  Religion is generally on the decline.  So why not try to carve out a tiny niche of the upscale black vote by making her appear as a phony non-believer?  Johnson is a Lutheran but not particularly religious.  He generally invokes the golden rule (do unto others).  Whereas, Hillary vanquishes her enemies and stomps them into the ground.  Now you don't build yourself up by tearing others down!  It's a narrative that might appeal to disenfranchised Bernie fans.  She already got away with this once... at our expense.  Don't let her do it twice.  Feel the Bern!  Although the mere thought of a Bernie Sanders "gregarious groin groping" is admittedly unappealing.

I just think there's a greater percentage of agnostic undecideds that lean to the left.  Would non-religious blacks and hispanics lean to the left as well?  Well, it's not much of a significant voting bloc.  But it's probably worth a shot, particularly in North Carolina.

Something else to keep in mind.  If you can convince a significant percentage of the Sanders diehards (and trust me, the people at his rallies might look a little suspect with the scalene beards, the dreadlocks, the centrist nose rings, the female armpit hair, and the tye-dyes), but I can assure you of one thing.  They are perpetually pissed off that Bernie got shafted.  Push the narrative that Bernie got fucked over by DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz.  And to a lesser extent, focus on her greasy, caucasian jerry-curl.  Behind the scenes, the Democratic National Committee is more divided than is generally known.  Take advantage of this.  Exploit the rift.

Another thing.  Don't forget about the Jill Stein.  She's the Green Party candidate.  Let her be your source for unlimited estrogen, even though I have a hunch she's well beyond menopause.  I could actually envision the Trump organization casting aspersions upon Hillary for her wilting, decrepit ovaries.  Offer some subtle reminders that she's the resilient, respected alternative female candidate... and more importantly, she's Jewish.  Try to snag away some of that white, wealthy, girlchick vote.  If you really need a woman in the White House, vote for one that isn't crooked and corrupt.  Never forget the Jew vote.

One more thing.  Compete in New York and New Jersey.  This would force the Clinton campaign to spend valuable dollars defending themselves in New York, one of the most expensive ad markets in the country.  Drain the DNC resources.  For the love of Christ, do NOT let Trump abandon his home state.  The vast majority of NYC voters probably despise him, but Manhattan is where he seems to thrive.  Stick with the angry, populist campaign.  But at the same time, don't forget about the opulent optics of Trump hotel, Trump plaza, Trump pokemon, whatever.  If Trump somehow wins New York, he wins it all.  Guaranteed.  I think it's worth a shot.  The voters elect Republican governors with surprising regularity (Jew-liani, Pataki, etc.)  I wanna be a part of it, New York New York!

California is probably too big of a stretch.  Steer clear of the West Coast. 

My point to all of this.  Hillary and Trump both have ridiculously high negatives.  And those negatives are not going to magically dissipate.  So why on earth, would you spend enormous sums of money trying to re-brand the Trump image in a positive light?  Newsflash: The guy is a jag-off and will continue to remain a jag-off, til death do us part... via jagging off (correctly referred to as auto-erotic asphyxiation).  Incidentally, I still think Trump or Hillary is going to get shot in the head.  Our country is just way overdue for a high profile political assassination.

Remember Sun Tzu and The Art of War...
  • When strong, avoid them.  If of high morale, depress them.  Seem humble to fill them with conceit.  If at ease, exhaust them.  If united, separate them.  Attack their weaknesses.  Emerge to their surprise.
  • All warfare is based on deception.  Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must seem inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near.
Presidential politics is war.  Hillary and Donald are engaged in a political war.  If you can't diminish those high negatives, the only realistic path to victory should be to hurl even greater negatives at your opponent... and deceive as many voters as possible along the way.  But the superior strategy is to "divide and conquer."  Less expensive, too.

If this entire strategy is too complex for team Trump (which is basically just this one guy named Paul Manafort and a hastily assembled crew of political sycophants), here's a simple fallback contingency plan.  I call it the nuclear option.

If Donald's finds himself faltering in late October, drop a Trump-bomb.  Just say... "Hey, if I am elected POTUS... I promise to donate 90% of my fortune to a variety of charitable causes."  I have a weird hunch there's a percentage of voters who would think... well hmm.  Both of them are corrupt and the system is rigged.  Might as well vote for Trump.  Hey, at least something good could come out of this whole election mess.

A final confession --- I absolutely love this political shit.  It's why I'm writing my fourth book.  A book more disturbing than my previous three (the most disturbing book ever written ---, the most dangerous book ever written ---, and the worst book ever written ---  A book that will be the "blueprint" or "redprint" for reshaping the future of voting rights and the state of Democracy as we know it.  One that will significantly alter the course of humanity.  But honestly, it's not a big deal.

I'll release it on the internet.  On election night, of course.  I'm sure everyone will be on pins and needles as the date approacheth.

Tuesday, July 05, 2016

Operation Condom Dog

Following the Kenny Chesney concert last year, I made a promise.  Actually, it was more of a solemn vow.  A sacred pact with humanity.

I unilaterally decided, by any means necessary, to draw attention to the abysmal state of security at Heinz Field.  It's regarding their dangerously outdated emergency evacuation protocol.  Heinz Field management knows all about the problem but will NEVER be proactive.  Simply put, it's in their better economic interest to hypothetically let people die... as opposed to just divulging the generic truth.

Official stadium emergency evacuation orders would NEVER be delivered via your cell phone or mobile device. 

How difficult is this?  That's all it is.  The bare minimum amount of information they're morally obligated to disseminate.  Regrettably, they've decided to deliberately keep their mouths shut and pretend there's no potential downside to having 68,000+ cell phones on the premises. 

Why?  Hint: it's about $.

If you wish to learn about the "artificially generated stampede" or worst case scenario "dominipede", check the site.  Or for you diehard Steelers fans, feel free to read my latest book --- The Immaculate Rejection.

Alright!  Onto the more important stuff.  And that's condom dog, baby!

Condom Dog is the hottest new thing on twitter.  It's prematurely trending both hard and lubricated.  Now you're probably wondering, "Condom dog???  What the fuck is this guy talking about?"

Fair enough.  Condom dog is about who you are... what you believe in... and the determination to express yourself.  It's more than just checking in or showing up at a high profile event (football game, rock concert, parade, political rally, etc.).  It's about making a statement and having an impact.  It's about embracing your freedom of speech. 

Condom dog brings the conversation directly to the people.  Condom dog is the ultimate guerrilla marketing tool.  Here's how it works.

Go to the local grocery store and buy the cheapest pack of hot dogs.  This will set you back about a dollar and change.  Next, head over to the public health department.  Ask them for a complimentary bag of prophylactics.  They'll be more than happy to give you a dozen or so.  Head home and throw that synthetic meat in the freezer.

Almost there.  Grab a pack of tooth picks or shish kabob skewers or chopsticks, a roll of scotch tape and some scratch paper.

Alright, now what is it that makes you tick?  Are you on the Trump Train (a/k/a the jag-off express)?  Perhaps you're a hardcore pro-lifer.  Maybe you're a born-again who wants to put the "Christ back in Christmas."  Or maybe you want everyone to shave their pubes.  Whatever your mission, whatever your cause... that's fine by me.  I don't give a shit!

Because cue the Montell Jordan --- this is how we do it!

Write down your message on the little piece of paper and turn that tiny wooden pole into a "flag of information."  Remember, it can be anything you want it to be.  You can promote your website.  You could profess your love of midget wrestlers.  You might even make an ironic commitment to a vegan lifestyle or a profuse desire to contract gonorrhea.  Like I said, it's your life.  You make the call.  Just be sure to include the following hashtag --- #condomdog. 

Now remove a weiner and lustfully unravel a condom on it.  Next up, stab that condom doggie with your flag.  Boom!  Done!  Easy, peasy, testicular cheesy.

Wherever you go.  Throw those dogs down.  Graduating magna cum laude?  How about the university podium?  Having a baby?  How about the waiting room of the maternity ward?  Awaiting a blessed circumcision?  How about the windshield of the moil's Buick LeSabre? 

Now I'm trying to promote safety and situational awareness at Heinz Field.  Since the Steelers and the NFL don't want to listen to any suggestion about stadium security, I took "my beef" directly to the Kenny Chesney fans.  Hey, they might be encrusted hillbilly filth.  But nonetheless, they still have a right to know the truth.  Everyone does.  So naturally I opted to "git the word out" in a most fitting, unconventional manner.

via piles of vomit.  

Note: as part of an ongoing effort to stimulate intellectual curiosity (something I found the Chesney crowd to be severely lacking)... I assigned a modified Kenny song to each picture.  Hopefully, that helps convey the message.

"She thinks my vomit's sexy"

"When the barf goes down"

"Old blue chunks"


"There goes my lunch"

 "Me and spew"

"Pirate gag"

"Heaving in fast forward"

Feel free to share this blog on any social media platform.

Oh, what the hell!  How about a gratuitous photo of a random pop country pukaholic?

and here's a supplemental action shot.  I like how her friends are preoccupied.  Probably checking the Nasdaq quotes (on a Saturday night).

We'll close this blog out with the official trailer.  Great editing job!