Tuesday, July 05, 2016

Operation Condom Dog

Following the Kenny Chesney concert last year, I made a promise.  Actually, it was more of a solemn vow.  A sacred pact with humanity.

I unilaterally decided, by any means necessary, to draw attention to the abysmal state of security at Heinz Field.  It's regarding their dangerously outdated emergency evacuation protocol.  Heinz Field management knows all about the problem but will NEVER be proactive.  Simply put, it's in their better economic interest to hypothetically let people die... as opposed to just divulging the generic truth.

Official stadium emergency evacuation orders would NEVER be delivered via your cell phone or mobile device. 

How difficult is this?  That's all it is.  The bare minimum amount of information they're morally obligated to disseminate.  Regrettably, they've decided to deliberately keep their mouths shut and pretend there's no potential downside to having 68,000+ cell phones on the premises. 

Why?  Hint: it's about $.

If you wish to learn about the "artificially generated stampede" or worst case scenario "dominipede", check the site.  Or for you diehard Steelers fans, feel free to read my latest book --- The Immaculate Rejection.

Alright!  Onto the more important stuff.  And that's condom dog, baby!

Condom Dog is the hottest new thing on twitter.  It's prematurely trending both hard and lubricated.  Now you're probably wondering, "Condom dog???  What the fuck is this guy talking about?"

Fair enough.  Condom dog is about who you are... what you believe in... and the determination to express yourself.  It's more than just checking in or showing up at a high profile event (football game, rock concert, parade, political rally, etc.).  It's about making a statement and having an impact.  It's about embracing your freedom of speech. 

Condom dog brings the conversation directly to the people.  Condom dog is the ultimate guerrilla marketing tool.  Here's how it works.

Go to the local grocery store and buy the cheapest pack of hot dogs.  This will set you back about a dollar and change.  Next, head over to the public health department.  Ask them for a complimentary bag of prophylactics.  They'll be more than happy to give you a dozen or so.  Head home and throw that synthetic meat in the freezer.

Almost there.  Grab a pack of tooth picks or shish kabob skewers or chopsticks, a roll of scotch tape and some scratch paper.

Alright, now what is it that makes you tick?  Are you on the Trump Train (a/k/a the jag-off express)?  Perhaps you're a hardcore pro-lifer.  Maybe you're a born-again who wants to put the "Christ back in Christmas."  Or maybe you want everyone to shave their pubes.  Whatever your mission, whatever your cause... that's fine by me.  I don't give a shit!

Because cue the Montell Jordan --- this is how we do it!

Write down your message on the little piece of paper and turn that tiny wooden pole into a "flag of information."  Remember, it can be anything you want it to be.  You can promote your website.  You could profess your love of midget wrestlers.  You might even make an ironic commitment to a vegan lifestyle or a profuse desire to contract gonorrhea.  Like I said, it's your life.  You make the call.  Just be sure to include the following hashtag --- #condomdog. 

Now remove a weiner and lustfully unravel a condom on it.  Next up, stab that condom doggie with your flag.  Boom!  Done!  Easy, peasy, testicular cheesy.

Wherever you go.  Throw those dogs down.  Graduating magna cum laude?  How about the university podium?  Having a baby?  How about the waiting room of the maternity ward?  Awaiting a blessed circumcision?  How about the windshield of the moil's Buick LeSabre? 

Now I'm trying to promote safety and situational awareness at Heinz Field.  Since the Steelers and the NFL don't want to listen to any suggestion about stadium security, I took "my beef" directly to the Kenny Chesney fans.  Hey, they might be encrusted hillbilly filth.  But nonetheless, they still have a right to know the truth.  Everyone does.  So naturally I opted to "git the word out" in a most fitting, unconventional manner.

via piles of vomit.  

Note: as part of an ongoing effort to stimulate intellectual curiosity (something I found the Chesney crowd to be severely lacking)... I assigned a modified Kenny song to each picture.  Hopefully, that helps convey the message.

"She thinks my vomit's sexy"

"When the barf goes down"

"Old blue chunks"


"There goes my lunch"

 "Me and spew"

"Pirate gag"

"Heaving in fast forward"

Feel free to share this blog on any social media platform.

Oh, what the hell!  How about a gratuitous photo of a random pop country pukaholic?

and here's a supplemental action shot.  I like how her friends are preoccupied.  Probably checking the Nasdaq quotes (on a Saturday night).

We'll close this blog out with the official trailer.  Great editing job!

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