Monday, January 27, 2014

Cathy Mitchell Takes a Dump

There's a dark secret I've been hiding all these years.  Back in the early 80's, Cathy Mitchell (the elderly infomercial foul temptress) and I had a torrid love affair.

I was tender, impressionable youngin.  God-damnit!  Those were my sticky buns!  But alas, she was only emboldened by my sexual naivete.  She had the finely tuned instincts of a sage grandmother and the gaseous estrogen of a stampeding wildebeest in heat.

She groomed me with a Bar Mitzvah gift.  That's right!  A vintage Ready-Set-Go skillet sealed the deal.  And the coup de gras --- I opened the present and discovered a mystery envelope: a $100 Krogers gift certificate accompanied with a note that cryptically read...

"I'm ready for you to set me off.  Let's go."

Love ya kid, Catheter

For the love of god, she was using food as a weapon.  Much like the Somali warlords in the movie Blackhawk Down.

Strange tangent: Last week I was having lunch with friends Mark and Ted.  I had just eaten breakfast, so TJ's Sportsgarden seemed like an ideal choice.  TJ's uses food as a weapon too.  I ended up just getting a side salad so I wasn't sitting there looking like a complete douchebag.  The salad was marginally acceptable if you're hip on a gulag of drenched iceberg.

Anyway, somehow we got on the subject of Bar Mitzvahs.  Ted asked me how much I pocketed off mine.  Normally, I'd exercise a little more discretion with content like this, but I think someone actually might find the precise dollar amount to be interest.  Safe to say, I've seen far more controversial content on the internet.


Remember, this is a "Jewboychick" from Wheeling, West Virginia circa 1983.  Not too shabby.

I can't recollect the exact breakdown.  But if memory serves me correct...

$500 savings bond from my godfather (incredibly wealthy individual from Philly - Cadillac dealerships).  Roughly another $750 or so in other misc. savings bonds from about 10 different relatives.  And a slew of personal checks and cash ranging in amounts of $20 - $50 (mostly from congregation members and friends of my parents).

Ironically, the most prized gift was from my neighbors across the street.  They gave me a year's subscription to 2 different pro wrestling magazines (Inside Wrestling and The Wrestler).  Mere words cannot describe my joy.  I expound further on this in the prologue of my auto-biography.

One other anecdote and I'll drop the subject, or Torah, if you will.  Because if you drop a Torah I think you have to go without food and water for 40 days.  Just punishment for an acne-covered teen in the latter stages of puberty.

In addition to the $500 savings bond (an ungodly sum for a 13 year old in 1982), he also sent me an autographed football from the entire 1982 Philadelphia Eagles football team.  Ron Jaworski, Tony Franklin (the barefoot kicker), Wilbur Montgomery and my hero at the time (defensive lineman Frank LeMasters - only because I saw a highlight reel of him recovering a fumble and running it in for a game-winning touchdown).  Anyway, when I got the football, me and my neighbor friends Dave and Matt went outside and started punting and throwing it around.  While this was happening, my godfather called and asked my mother if I'd received the gift.  Glancing out the kitchen window, she was casually like... "Oh yeah, they're all in the backyard playing with it right now!"  Of course he shrieked, "Jesus Christ!  That's a collector's item!"  Two decades later, he passed.

I kept the football until shortly after 9/11.  Gave it to my buddy who's a big Eagles fan.  It's all beaten to hell, deflated and badly scuffed.  Sucked.  End of story.

Now onto more important matters.  And that's CATHY MITCHELL and her "DUMP CAKE" infomercial.

I love these guys.  Total real-world, dorm room infomercial pioneers w/ just a subtle touch of Beavis and Butthead.  I watch it three times.  I cried (which is rare).

Some background here is critical.  If you do a google search on "cathy mitchell," a blog I wrote back in 2009 appears on the MAIN PAGE.  Now keep in mind, this is GOOGLE we're talkin' about.  Not Lycos or some Alta Vista shit.  My blog shows up in the first 10 fucking entries!  In my opinion, that's kinda crazy!  After all, a search on the words "cathy mitchell" is pretty generic stuff.

The best part is the comment section.  I truly believe it's the real Cathy Mitchell who weighs in.  My best advice is to read actual blog and make your own determination.  In the past decade of personal blogging, this one easily stands out.  I normally don't plug my past writings (except the book), but this one's actually worth it.  Relatively harsh but kind of amusing.  The comment section is what makes it.

Four years later, Cathy Mitchell has baked her way back into my life.  Now if I was legitimately baked (stoned), it would be one thing.  But I assure you, I'm completely sober.  Hell... such a typed internet admission can get you fined and/or imprisoned in the current West Virginia police state.

So Saf, what the hell is your problem with her "Dump Cakes?"  You're probably thinking: I happen to enjoy a moist pound cake from time to time.  Well... not to be overly prudish, but don't most people equate the word "dump" with "taking a dump?"  Isn't it comparable to the vernacular of "taking a shit?"  I can't be the only one out there who thinks this.  Personally speaking, if I were to announce the movement of my bowels, here's my preference in descending order.

I'm going to...

1) Take a shit
2) Go poop
3) Take a crap
4) Take a dump
5) Pinch a loaf

Even worse (as if it can get any worse from a fecal marketing perspective), isn't a "dump" the slang term for the city landfill?  You know, the final depository for medical waste, used prophylactics and discarded mush from any Long John Silvers.

Cathy is so blatantly proud of her dump cakes.  Her repetitive use of the word "dump" throws the viewer into some kind of "scatlike-trance."  When she pours in the can of diet soda, for a second I thought she might say, "If you want, you can substitute pee-pee."

Furthermore, I really don't have a clear cut understanding of what she's actually selling.  Is it her kindergarten recipes?  Is it the no-stick skillet?  Is it the fucking cake batter mix?  Aside from the gross sexual imposition in 1983, why does this woman haunt me in my dreams?

Alright, I'm Cathy Mitchelled out.  So let's close it off with 2 Super Bowl predictions.

The first -
There will not be an artificially generated stampede.

The second -
It has been reported that the Red Hot Chili Peppers will be joining Bruno Mars (the secret love child of Erik Estrada and Penelope Cruz).  An aside --- Gigi's friend Carla wishes to fornicate with Bruno Mars.  Back to the prediction.  I'm going way out on a limb with this one.  Flea, the annoying RHCP bassist, has a penchant for going commando or occasionally wearing a diaper.  So without further adieu, here's the boldest prognostication in the history of Halftime Super Bowl entertainment.

Remember, it's going to be sub-zero temps.  So strutting around on stage naked seems appropriate.

Flea will be wearing a codpiece - similar to this.

(But don't confuse the two.  Flea isn't fit to wear Blackie Lawless' jock... let alone his codpiece).

So here it is --- When he takes the stage, Flea will have a bedazzled, sparkling jeweled butt plug pre-inserted into his ass.  At the conclusion of a rocking "Give it Away," Flea will rip out the marital aid and literally give it away by tossing it into the audience.  This move will instantly replace the Miley Cyrus perpendicular tongue "twerk jerk."  Flea will follow it up with a late night after party tweet.  He'll regale the world with photos of his cock and the aforementioned Doc Johnson device.

This historic moment and impending social media craze will be hailed from 2014 onward as  
"tweet your meat."  It will cement the Chili Peppers in the "anals" of halftime history.  And if you don't like it, you can suck on Janet Jackson's fake nipple.

Incidentally, I got a letter today from "congressional watchdog" Henry Waxman (D-CA).  He thinks I should take up my artificially generated stampede concerns with the California Department of Public Health.  Suffice to say, I was totally unprepared for that one.  Not joking.  I can see why the California population values his commitment to public service.

Okay.  We're done here.  Final Superbowl prediction.

Broncos  34
Seahawks  28 

But I'll be rooting for the Seahawks.  A friend of mine refers to Peyton Manning as "he-who-must-not-be-named."  I'm beginning to see the wisdom.  I don't want that pristine yokel uttering those celebratory words... "I'm going to Disneyland."  I'd prefer it if he said, "I'm going to watch Cathy Mitchell take a dump!"

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Sochi Olympics meme

I think this one has serious viral potential.  I made it this morning when they issued a warning to all U.S. travelers attending the Sochi Olympics.

I swear to god --- I think this one's almost as good as the current Colorado-Washington "Super Bowl" meme floating around.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Wheeling Nailers fans

It has come to my attention that the following meme might be too "confusing" or "cerebral."  I find this ironic.  As a Wheeling resident, and having attended a few Nailers games, I think it's blatantly obvious.  Sooooo, do you garner my inference?

Alright, I'll spell it out for you.  If you head to Wesbanco Arena for one of the minor league hockey games, it quickly becomes apparent that a significant percentage of the fans are "mentally challenged."  I guess here's where it could get a tiny bit confusing.

The question I should be asking --- is the general population aware of the fact that the employees of places like Russell Nesbitt, Northwood Health Systems, etc. are required to refer to their "patients" or "residents" as CLIENTS?  From what I understand, if you disobey this rule, you can actually be fired on the spot.  Even when you're not officially on the clock.  That's right.  Even if someone overhears you talking in a bar, it can be legitimate grounds for termination.

Sounds a bit harsh if you ask me.  I've always thought this kind of stuff had significant ramifications for freedom of speech.  But I guess the same rules could apply to corporate management referring to their employees as "worthless bags of shit."

Mr. Burns always did a fine job of disobeying this prime directive.

He had a penchant for assigning crass descriptions to his workers at the nuclear plant.  Lowly boobs, mindless drones, etc.  I looked for some youtube examples, but nothing was out there.

Gig and I were watching this comedian last night (Lewis C.K.).  Relatively funny stuff - he was exploring the issue of how people in vehicles have a higher degree of confidence in berating the traveling public.  "Fuck you, cocksucker!  I hope you die!"  Is that really necessary when someone high beams you or doesn't use a turn signal?  Amazing how much confidence people have when they're operating 2,000 lb. machinery.

I'm not trying to make the political statement of the century.  Just something that crept into my head.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

AFC/NFC Championship Games

An excerpt from my blog last week...

So here's my take ---

Wildcard round is for upsets.  Divisional round is for favorites.  Championship games are for drama.

And the Super Bowl... is for posers.

I'll even predict the lines for the AFC/NFC title games:

San Francisco at Seattle (-3.5)

New England at Denver (-7)

Totally nailed the NFC line.  I knew there'd be a half point hook.  And guess what, the AFC title game opened at Denver -6.5.  It has since dropped to -4.5.  Probably because Brady has historically owned Manning and the Denver defense is pretty banged up.

Both games should be decent.  I think the upset will be San Francisco.  They just seem to have the "destiny" tag this year

I think all those injuries finally expose the Patriots.  Belichick will have plenty of tricks up his sleeve, but at some point, you need those veteran players in the big game.  Especially when it's on the road.  Unless Manning has a complete collapse and throws 2 or more interceptions, I think Denver will outlast them.

Score Predictions:

49ers - 20
Seahawks - 17

Broncos - 31
Patriots - 23 

Anyhoo, I'm having people up for the games.  I haven't had a legitimate gathering of the mongrel hoard in over a year.  3 pm onward.  This year's theme - Takin' it to the streets, McDonald style.  Pink slimin', happy meal eatin', playground pissin', catsup spillin', mother fuckin', sayin' Thank You... For a real good time.

I was thinking about the ongoing Chris Christie debacle.  And now, they're investigating the misuse of Hurricane Sandy relief funds.  Moral of the story - I think Christie is fucked.  I have to wonder if this hatchet job has all been a carefully orchestrated by the Hillary Clinton team.  After all, he is one of the few viable candidates who could challenge her ascension to the presidency.  Hey... there's no law against decimating your opponent before he/she officially throws their hat in the ring.

 I was going to write a Chris Christie strategy for overcoming this whole mess, but I don't think it would do him any good.  My only piece of advice would be to make every effort to rename, or "rebrand" the current bridge scandal.  Rather than, Bridgegate or the New Jersey Bridge Scandal or the Chris Christie Bridge Scandal ---- you need to get the press (in this case, Fox News) to start calling it the "George Washington Bridge Scandal."

Most people have a favorable impression of George Washington.  They tend not to view our heroic first president in a negative light.  So by the time 2016 rolls around, there wouldn't be as bad a stigma.  Shit... American voters can't remember stuff that happened two years ago, let alone two weeks ago.  Despite his slave owning, hemp growing, wig wearing shenanigans, pretty much everyone loves George Washington.  His name combined with the perception of scandal just doesn't hold water.

But that's really all I got.  Well that... and you desperately need to change the narrative.  Your best hope is for a national disaster or some other crisis that alters the prevailing mission of the media.  Maybe you could somehow get a towering Dennis Rodman to spontaneously vomit on Kim Jong Un or get a jailhouse Jerry Sandusky to sodomize a younger inmate.  It's a tough one.  Christie needs a distraction.  Something will inevitably come along, but by then, it will probably be too little, too late.

And to be honest, Christie lacks the temperament and gravitas to be our next president.  He's just not "there."  Too bad - I was looking forward to see him fend off pro-life, anti-gay rhetoric in the primary debates.  Talk about free, high-end entertainment!

And how could you not love that Rand Paul comment?

 “I know how angry I am when I’m in traffic.  I wonder, who did this to me?"

Now there's a classic!  Who did this to me?  Well, of course!  Who among us, when stuck in traffic, does not seek out specific individuals to cast blame upon? 

Funny aside, I was in a traffic jam just a couple weeks ago.  I went to a party at Danno and Jean-Anne's and got stuck in that putrid Festival of Lights Oglebay Park Christmas bullshit.  So Saffy, who did you blame?  Naturally, I went straight to the source - I placed the blame squarely on baby Jesus.  Without his death or rebirth or reaffirmation or regurgitation or whatever, it would have been smooth sailing (or in this case, driving).

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Central WV water contamination

This meme would be much better if Marco Rubio was currently in the spotlight.  His coinage has diminished with the Chris Christie bridge scandal and Rand Paul sniping.

Maybe it's a good thing for Rubio.  After all, it's a little too early in the 2016 presidential run.  I think you want to be on the sidelines for now.  Or at least until you get wind of an official Hillary announcement.  Then, you jump in.  You won't steal her thunder but it does offer the appearance (or illusion) that you're her primary opponent in the general.  At least that's how I'd play it.

I might do a meme about the Target credit card security breach.  But their logo makes it painfully obvious and shows a mesmerizing lack of creativity.

Alright, one additional meme with good 'ol boy, Governor Earl Ray Tomblin...

Wednesday, January 08, 2014

Chris Christie Bridge Controversy

Seems like the media, particularly MSNBC, is going after the Fort Lee bridge controversy.  It's amusing how this really isn't that big of a story, BUT... it will likely become one.

Looks like Christie has a case of "schizophrenic road rage."  The funny thing - he's not on I-95.  He's fuming from the palatial governor's mansion.

It's all kind of ironic.  After all, doesn't he travel exclusively by helicopter?

I actually like Chris Christie.  American politics could use an obnoxious loudmouth, especially during the presidential election cycle.  It's refreshing.  If you want some real comedy, just wait til he starts trying to appease the religious right during the Republican primary, especially in Iowa and Georgia --- he'll start loving on Jesus and become instantly reborn (Atlantic City style). 

Maybe he could go the self-deprecation route...

Rebounding Rodman

This meme stuff is getting addictive.  Here's my newest.

That interview on CNN was downright bizarre.  Seriously, what the fuck was that?  Why is Dennis Rodman making raspy accusations and threateningly waving a Cuban cigar?
Maybe Dennis can handle the scrutiny of the predictably imbecilic Donald Trump, but I don't think he's ready for prime time on CNN.  Wouldn't you love to hear the Korean translation on Pyongyang state-run tv?  

As far as I can tell, Rodman's nonsensical gibberish serves only one purpose.  It unintentionally raises the coinage of our Secretary of State.

It's gone from the "axis of evil" to the "axis of idiocy."

Tuesday, January 07, 2014

Polar Gore-Tex

The polar vortex is all the rage.  If you need proof, just check out social media.  Every uninspired, renegade journalist is posting dashboard pics of the weather.  OMG!  It's -8.  WTF!  That's a negative integer!

I'm a little late to the "party," but I just made this meme.  I think it has tremendous viral potential, but I can't think up anything to add as a qualifier.  Obviously, since it's Costanza, the idea would be something neurotic or obsessively compulsive.  I'm guessing that clip is from the third season or so (probably around 1994). 

The first time I uploaded it, I thought it was spelled gortex.  Odd that I didn't know how to spell Gore-Tex.  Usually, I'm pretty knowledgeable when it comes to that brand of worthless shit.

If you can think of a funny center tag line, feel free to run with it.  Maybe just "Calm Down" or "The weather outside is NOT frightful"


Alright, I just fixed it after viewing the original clip on youtube.  Elaine and Jerry are talking about the cold weather and she asks him, "What's you definition of "scary cold?"  Just as she says it, George opens the apartment door.  Jerry looks at him and says "THAT."

divisional round predictions

Wildcard weekend was quite the spectacle.  3 road wins and 1 (Benny Hinn style) miracle comeback in Indy.  I don't think anybody took the Chargers upset.  I picked the Colts and the Saints which left me at 2-2.

The divisional round should prove less interesting.  I have a hard time believing they'll top the entertainment value of last weekend.  3 high spreads should denote at least 2 lopsided victories.

New Orleans at Seattle (-8), 48
Indy and New England (-7), 53
San Francisco at Carolina (+2), 42
San Diego at Denver (-10), 55

The over/under in the Seattle game seems high at 48.  I don't think the lousy weather and crowd noise would indicate a shoot-out.  Not good news for Drew Brees.  Seattle's defense is for real.  I think Seattle jumps up quick (14-3) and then slogs out a second half win.  If you're rooting for the Saints, I'd suggest doubling the liquor in that Hurricane beverage...

Hurricane recipe

Pour all but the juices, in order listed, into a hurricane glass three-quarters filled with ice. Fill with equal parts of grapefruit and pineapple juice, and serve

I like how every drink recipe ends with, "and serve."  Seriously, what are the other viable options?  and store, and admire, and chug, and sip, and spill, etc. 

Seattle 20
New Orleans 9

The curse of Bill Belichick truly haunts the midwest yokels of Indianapolis.  I don't see this aura changing anytime soon.  Patriots have a ton of injuries, but Brady is just too strong at home.  I look for the Patriots to start strong.  Andrew Luck will have issues with the cold weather and his timing.  Colts defense will be on the field far too long, chasing after every receiver imaginable.  Plus, the miracle comeback win against the Chiefs should denote a predictable letdown.

New England  35
Indianapolis  17

Could the 49ers win a second consecutive road playoff game?  Hard to say.  The Panthers stole a 10-9, hard fought victory at Candlestick earlier in the year.  Will Carolina beat them twice in the same season?  I just don't see it happening.  I remember the days when the 49ers were regarded as a soft, finesse team.  Not anymore.  They've become total smash mouth w/ Gore and the offensive and defensive lines.  Panthers are a decent team, but I just can't envision them in the NFC title game.  However, I think they'll keep it close.

San Fransisco 21
Carolina 16

Denver is a 10 point favorite.  Seems a bit high for an AFC West division rivalry that split in the regular season on each others home turf.  I don't see the Broncos going 1-2 against the Chargers.  I also don't think a rookie head coach makes it to the championship game.  Peyton Manning might lose at some point this year.  But not here.

Denver  38
San Diego  21

So here's my take ---

Wildcard round is for upsets.  Divisional round is for favorites.  Championship games are for drama.
And the Super Bowl... is for posers.

I'll even predict the lines for the AFC/NFC title games:

San Francisco at Seattle (-3.5)
New England at Denver (-7)

Monday, January 06, 2014

wildcard weekend memes

As promised, I'm gonna make some NFL playoff memes.  I'll do them in the order the games transpired.  First off, the Kansas City letdown...

I missed the second half comeback.  Gigi and I went to an evening Bar Mitzvah reception in Squirrel Hill.  And Roger Goodell has the chutzpah to assume he's got a monopoly on high end U.S. entertainment.  Oy vey.

And if that wasn't bad enough, you could literally hear a pin drop at Lincoln Financial Field.  The build up to that last second field goal was absolutely brutal.

It was refreshing to see the Bengals lose in a home downpour.  Will they ever get back to the Superbowl?  Uhhh well, to make a long story short... not in my lifetime.

And finally.  If you could hear a pin drop at the Linc, you could hear a snowflake drop at Lambeau.

Truth be told, I like the Harbaugh brothers.  But I believe the general consensus is that the Baltimore one is smarter than the San Fran one.  I felt bad for the Packers and their fans in the freezing cold.  That's generally who I root for in the NFC.  I'll now be aligning myself with Seattle.

Was it just me or didn't it seem that late in the game, there was this weird, hazy, televised LSD effect?

On a more personal note, I think I have a herniated disc in my lower back.  It happened on Thursday when I reached down and heard this very loud crack.  I was totally immobilized on my kitchen floor for about a minute.  I had one of those vasovagal responses - broke out in a cold sweat and nearly spontaneously threw up.  Absolutely crazy.  A few days later, I'm still very sore and having spasms, but at least I can move about, pen this blog and engage in other bodily functions.

Until next weekend.