Sunday, September 06, 2009

Cathy Mitchell

Who is Cathy Mitchell and why do I find her offensive? These are two questions which have plagued my mind for the past month or so. For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, Cathy Mitchell is a grandmotherly woman who hosts a 30 minute infomercial for a product called "The Express Redi Set Go" indoor grill. It's basically a cheaper version of the George Foreman Grill with a timer and an emphasis on baking.
Saf, what could possibly be wrong with that? Some of us enjoy grilling and baking. Alright, since you asked... here we go.
Cathy and her partner (an overly cooperative, handsome older gentleman) take you on quite an adventure. They seem to be having the time of their lives in this half hour infomercial. The writers seemed to have taken a page from "Saved by the Bell" - the atrocious early 90's sitcom. Everything they do is just simply outlandlish. This cooking unit... it just brings families together. Everyone can get involved. It's just so easy. And of course the kids will love it. Most important, it's just too much fun. F-U-N fun!
Let me get a little specific. First, Cathy Mitchell's hairdo is some kind of teased up birds nest without the curling irons. Although she does not wear a house dress, her bodily shape literally cries out and begs to be adorned with one. I imagine it would read "Grandma's my name and spoiling's my game." What really angers me is the way she conducts herself. She has this crazy knack for inventing cutesy names for normally mundane food items.
For example, she'll put a frozen tater tot in one of the food wells and surround it with egg yolk and call the finished product an "Eggster." What the fuck is an eggster? I've never heard of this terminology. I can already envision a legion of preschoolers asking mommy to fix them eggsters. The thought of this makes me unhappy, but wait... there's more. How about a "Cini Mini?" A Cini Mini (And trust me, I'm filled with rage as I type the word Cini Mini) is simply a Cinnamon Biscuit but vastly more entertaining. You see it's just a third of a normal sized biscuit; thus, it has attained the status of mini. And wait, there's something even better on the jackass menu - a COOKIEZZA. Yep, it's pronounced Koo kee tsa. This is a combination of a cookie and a pizza. But in reality, it's just a large cookie. Never having been a big fan of dessert, I desperately want to take this disc shaped freshly baked cookie and smash her in the face with it. Nope, not a Laurel and Hardy pie in the face routine. This cookiezza would pack more of a punch due to the mitigating factor of no filling. As the blood pours from her broken nose, I would calmly celebrate.
Okay, there's more. She claims this grilling contraption is perfect for appetizers so she makes 5 crab stuffed mushrooms. Wow, there's a total of 5 miniature grilling compartments for the big party. Who the fuck is coming to this soiree? A delegation of Sudanese? Cathy Mitchell is so excited when she plates the crab stuffed mushrooms which incidentally look pretty disgusting. I have no doubt that Cathy (the fucking info-grandma) is a major proponent of imitation crab meat. I can see her whipping out her mammoth coupon collection kit searching for that 10 cents off discount on artificially flavor infused pollock.
It gets better. As if cookiezza wasn't enough, she gets all giddy when it's time for other desserts. She pours a dollop of chocolate batter mixture into one of the food wells. Then, she retrieves one of these "mystery" chocolates from a box of Russell Stovers. This is where the fun really starts. She has no idea what filling lies inside the mystery chocolate. I can't wait to bite into it and find that I was the recipient of the crappy strawberry marshmallow goo. Then she puts coconut macaroons in the other one. As my blood pressure begins to elevate and I start shaking violently, Cathy hears the Ding noise from another Redi Set Go Grill unit.
"Ohhhh, my pineapple upside down cake is finished. Oooooh." Other than the Darfurian immigrants, this cake could possibly feed a malnourished Haitian toddler as well.
There's more. Cathy likes to use the words "smoky links" and "little doggies" when referencing sausage. Surely this makes us all everyone cringe. I can't be alone on this one. She surrounds each of these "hound dogs" with pancake batter. When they're finished she offers a vat of syrup. Mmmmm - it's the preferred dipping sauce for morbidly obese Southern Baptists!

Just 2 easy payments of $19.99, plus s/h of $16.00. Thus bringing the grand total to $56 and change. Hey there, Cathy Mitchell, you yeast infected elderly fuck. I've got an innovative idea for you and your Express Redi Set Go . How about a skillet with a lid on it?

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

Turn the channel!

Anonymous said...

It's like a bad accident on the turnpike. You just cannot look away. SAF

Anonymous said...

I don't care what you say about Cathy but DO NOT bring Saved By The Bell into this.

Josee said...

Ok this definitely made me laugh! My brother and I were just laughing about the eggsters and just when we were reading about the cookiezza, she mentioned it on the infomercial... Thanks for the lol :)

Anonymous said...

So glad you have enough time on your hands to spend an hour posting mean spirited drivel. Good Lord, please feel free to turn the channel...and why not try aiming your major concerns to something important...and so sorry I offended you with food names...perhaps you should take a break and go to IHOP for a rooty tootie fresh and frooty pancake.
Cathy

Susannah said...

The intro to the informercial talks about saving calories by not using oil or butter.....

no one posted my question, which is, why is Cathy fat?

And why does Cathy feel that dislike of her terminology is "mean spirited"? She tells the author to change the channel, but that's not what the author wants to do, Cathy. The author, like me, wants to say what he thinks of the product, the informercial, and the saleswoman.

We all have our preferences. I don't like apple pie (I do like chocolate mousse); I don't like sunshine, I do like rain. I don't like dyed hair, I don't like palm trees or Bob Dylan, and I don't like looking at fat people.

I do love grey/white/silver hair, so the sidecar guy on the infomercial appeals to me, until he speaks. And whoa, he's unfat!

let's all just keep having fun!

Susannah said...

Oh no, I made a typo on "infomercial"? There goes my credibility!

I also don't like seeing people eat mammals.

Anonymous said...

GET A LIFE no one asked you to watch !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

And if you don,t like looking at "fat people" then look somewhere else !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I can't stand that white trash Cathy either but get a life asshole

ashleybetterman said...

Bedazzler my ass.

Anonymous said...

Cathy Mitchell and GAIMA are Thieves! They RIP YOU OFF the idem does not do as shown and they OVER CHARGE YOUR CREDIT CARD.

WHEN YOU RETURN THE 5 READY SET GO ITEMS THAT YOU ONLY ORDERD ONE OF AND OVER CHARGE YOUR CREDIT CARD FOR. 6 TIMES THE CHARGE FOR ONE READY SET GO PLUS POSTAGE AND FOR
8 OTHER ITEMS NOT EVEN HEARD OF OR IN THE BOX
No Refund yet and they have already made another charge to my credit card. I DID NOT ORDER.

SHAME ON KATHY MITCHELL she is a liar and a theif as she isn't helping fix the scam!

SHAME ON KATHY MITCHELL AND READY SET GO SHE WILL GET HER REWARD IN HEAVEN IF SHE GETS THERE!!!!

DO NOT BY ANYTHING KATHY MITCHELL IS ASSOCIATED WITH!

CLEANCUP said...

Cathy Mitchell is awesome! You're just jealous. Cathy or son robertbif you read this email me cleancupat g m a il

Stiff upper lip said...

To all you Cathy Mitchell haters! What is not to like about this wonderful bubbly lady? She seems warn friendly and down to earth. This really ticks me off, if you don't like the products that she sells, don't buy them, nor do you have to watch her infomercials either. Typical complainers. What are you little creeps doing with your lives?

sonofsaf said...

SUlip - The notion that you're ticked off gives my life meaning.

Truth be told, I am trying to prevent the greatest asymmetric national security disaster since 9/11. If you wish to learn about it, visit my website:

http://agsaf.org

If you could get Cathy Mitchell involved, I'd be eternally grateful and remove all relevant aspersions. All she needs to do is tell people that emergency evac orders don't come from cell phones.

Seriously, I think there's room for a collaboration.

Regardless, thank you for posting. You make me very happy.

Anonymous said...

Get that HORRIBLE Voice off t.v. at least let her lip sink someone else's voice!!!! I HATE HER EARDRUM PIERCING VOICE!!!! Keep her on the infomercials!!!

Anonymous said...

Yikes!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh please, that screeching, freaking ole hag white trash is on the TV now,,night and day about some copper skillet....once again cooking crap....that face is more than anyone can take however, that god damned voice, like nails on a blackboard is the LIMIT!!
Get the hell off the air and out of our homes you dumb bitch,,,we can't turn her off FAST enough!!!! God damned pain in the ass!!! drop dead already.......

Anonymous said...

I can't stand the womans wide eyed look. She looks like she went to a plastic surgeon hack in Mexico

Anonymous said...

I love Cathy Mitchell! and ALL ya all haters wish you could be her!

Anonymous said...

Just kill yourself asshole

CLEANCUP said...

why are you guys talking to yourselves?
and by the way cathy mitchell is my girlfriend.
i love her voice.
we have a love child together, when we made love she said ready, set, go.
and baaabam, a beautiful copper skillet and a dumpcake were come forth from her vageen hole.
i loved it so much, we made an omelet after!
dont be sad, you can get some of her dumpcake too, just ask her.
she is pretty free about that copperpanhole.
have a great day!:):)


we got some dumpcakes to make. see you soon!

Jimmy Latour said...

The fact that here ultrasonic voice doesn't crack the pan is a testament to how strong they are. And why does the freshly cooked good always come out of the pan cold? No steam???

Anonymous said...

THANK YOU! Her voice makes my ears bleed.

adam avery said...

For some reason I instinctively am very distrustful of her, like she's the kind of person that would rip off little kids if it made her money. I just don't trust something about her, she's like a fast talking con artist trying to disguise her lack of rubles with a "harmless granny" persona. But it won't work on me, I know all her cooking shit probably isn't made of copper, but more likely asbestos or some sort of cheap Chinese pig iron that imbues all the meat with tetanus because it saved her $.50 per pan....

eric saferstein said...

Talk about irony. My girlfriend just got the Kathy Mitchell copper skillet frying pan medley at some family gift exchange function. The thing is totally bad ass. I may have to reconsider, or at very least, consider scaling back, some of my previous condemnations of Cathy Mitchell, a/k/a Grandma Eggster.

Unknown said...

Lord, I was just thinking the very same thing. Wish whomever, would get her and that voice off TV.

Linda Tadlock said...

Lord, I was just thinking the very same thing. Wish whomever, would get her and that voice off TV.