Who is Cathy Mitchell and why do I find her offensive? These are two questions which have plagued my mind for the past month or so. For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, Cathy Mitchell is a grandmotherly woman who hosts a 30 minute infomercial for a product called "The Express Redi Set Go" indoor grill. It's basically a cheaper version of the George Foreman Grill with a timer and an emphasis on baking.
Saf, what could possibly be wrong with that? Some of us enjoy grilling and baking. Alright, since you asked... here we go.
Cathy and her partner (an overly cooperative, handsome older gentleman) take you on quite an adventure. They seem to be having the time of their lives in this half hour infomercial. The writers seemed to have taken a page from "Saved by the Bell" - the atrocious early 90's sitcom. Everything they do is just simply outlandlish. This cooking unit... it just brings families together. Everyone can get involved. It's just so easy. And of course the kids will love it. Most important, it's just too much fun. F-U-N fun!
Let me get a little specific. First, Cathy Mitchell's hairdo is some kind of teased up birds nest without the curling irons. Although she does not wear a house dress, her bodily shape literally cries out and begs to be adorned with one. I imagine it would read "Grandma's my name and spoiling's my game." What really angers me is the way she conducts herself. She has this crazy knack for inventing cutesy names for normally mundane food items.
For example, she'll put a frozen tater tot in one of the food wells and surround it with egg yolk and call the finished product an "Eggster." What the fuck is an eggster? I've never heard of this terminology. I can already envision a legion of preschoolers asking mommy to fix them eggsters. The thought of this makes me unhappy, but wait... there's more. How about a "Cini Mini?" A Cini Mini (And trust me, I'm filled with rage as I type the word Cini Mini) is simply a Cinnamon Biscuit but vastly more entertaining. You see it's just a third of a normal sized biscuit; thus, it has attained the status of mini. And wait, there's something even better on the jackass menu - a COOKIEZZA. Yep, it's pronounced Koo kee tsa. This is a combination of a cookie and a pizza. But in reality, it's just a large cookie. Never having been a big fan of dessert, I desperately want to take this disc shaped freshly baked cookie and smash her in the face with it. Nope, not a Laurel and Hardy pie in the face routine. This cookiezza would pack more of a punch due to the mitigating factor of no filling. As the blood pours from her broken nose, I would calmly celebrate.
Okay, there's more. She claims this grilling contraption is perfect for appetizers so she makes 5 crab stuffed mushrooms. Wow, there's a total of 5 miniature grilling compartments for the big party. Who the fuck is coming to this soiree? A delegation of Sudanese? Cathy Mitchell is so excited when she plates the crab stuffed mushrooms which incidentally look pretty disgusting. I have no doubt that Cathy (the fucking info-grandma) is a major proponent of imitation crab meat. I can see her whipping out her mammoth coupon collection kit searching for that 10 cents off discount on artificially flavor infused pollock.
It gets better. As if cookiezza wasn't enough, she gets all giddy when it's time for other desserts. She pours a dollop of chocolate batter mixture into one of the food wells. Then, she retrieves one of these "mystery" chocolates from a box of Russell Stovers. This is where the fun really starts. She has no idea what filling lies inside the mystery chocolate. I can't wait to bite into it and find that I was the recipient of the crappy strawberry marshmallow goo. Then she puts coconut macaroons in the other one. As my blood pressure begins to elevate and I start shaking violently, Cathy hears the Ding noise from another Redi Set Go Grill unit.
"Ohhhh, my pineapple upside down cake is finished. Oooooh." Other than the Darfurian immigrants, this cake could possibly feed a malnourished Haitian toddler as well.
There's more. Cathy likes to use the words "smoky links" and "little doggies" when referencing sausage. Surely this makes us all everyone cringe. I can't be alone on this one. She surrounds each of these "hound dogs" with pancake batter. When they're finished she offers a vat of syrup. Mmmmm - it's the preferred dipping sauce for morbidly obese Southern Baptists!
Just 2 easy payments of $19.99, plus s/h of $16.00. Thus bringing the grand total to $56 and change. Hey there, Cathy Mitchell, you yeast infected elderly fuck. I've got an innovative idea for you and your Express Redi Set Go . How about a skillet with a lid on it?