Monday, May 02, 2005


I'm not sure whether to call this place Hoss's, Hosses, or Hoss. Let's just say they all suck ass. This place over by the Elm Grove exit is a disaster. I once ate their buffet. It was absolutely disgusting. There were a ton of flies buzzing around and one of them was stuck in some pudding struggling for its life. When you have empty space on the buffet, nothing fills it better than pudding. Whether chocolate, tapioca or vanilla, rest assured, Hoss has plenty of pudding alternatives in the dessert section. The thing I don't like about Hoss's buffet is the plentiful variations of the same food. For example, rather than just have chili, they'll have chili, sloppy joes, hamburgers, tacos and on it goes. A buffett is all about OPTIONS. Honestly, they should take a look at the infamous Super Buffett (the Chinese place next to TJ's - they have tons of choices although regrettably, they all suck as well).
From now on, I'll refer to the entity of Hoss's as simply "Hoss". What's realy bothersome is why. Why was Hoss selected to represent the Elm Grove area at such a visble and worthy location. Honestly, I would have preferred another fast food joint, even back to back Wendys sounds more appealing. Come to think of it, Hoss's predecessor Youngs Cafeteria wasn't that great either. It was just a poor version of Mehlman's Cafeteria with slightly higher prices and a decreased emphasis on lima beans. Hoss should never have gotten the go ahead to purchase the building. Maybe it's part of the mayor's ultimate plan to have a ton of crappy restaurants in Wheeling so his seems like the best choice. Perhaps that's what's going on here - an actual conspiracy - comparable to the guy with the 3 anti-car wash signs right next to the car wash. Who is this guy anyway? You know - the guy who was going to build his own car wash and was denied (by the city) and then got to see someone else build a car wash 30 feet next to his spot.
Hoss is very popular among the elderly. Tons of handicapped parking even though every parking spot is right next to the entrance. Plenty of oxygen tanks and wheelchairs - I thought I was at a Benny Hinn crusade. Maybe Hoss could compete with Hinn. It would be a cinch. Just have Mr. Hoss come on television and claim his 3 puddings represent the father, the son and the holy ghost. If you eat them all, you are blessed. Kind of like a pudding baptismal. The elderly patrons can dunk their heads in each of the 3 puddings and then dizzily walk around the Hoss lobby proclaiming they've been "puddified". Don't dismiss this. I think it would make for a great promotional campaign, and pudding is dirt cheap - probably the most cost-effective way to promote the Lord ever conceived. Just think of all the different pudding formations. I saw Jesus in the pudding. I saw Noah's Ark in the pudding (next to the aforementioned fly which could be construed as one of the insects that came to the ark in twosies, twosies, even though there's only one fly). I saw the virgin Mary's vagina - this one was spotted in the strawberry pudding. Alright, sadly enough, I'll end it on that note.


G Max said...

I've never been to Hoss' but I heard one of the cooks from Young's Caf owns the place along with a silent partner. I think he still cooks there too.

sonofsaf said...

I used to know one of the cooks when it was Youngs - Jim Ryder (June Cliser's husband). I doubt he's the one you're referring to - good guy though.