Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Tiki Bar and Grill

My harem and I ate at the Tiki Bar and Grill today in glorious downtown Wheeling. This place opened about 6 months ago to a wide variety of reviews; some favorable others scathing. I purposely avoided it until today. I got the email for Lunchtimez and was all on board.
For those of you unfamiliar with Tiki, it's basically a low-end attempt to capture the festive nature of Myrtle Beach and regurgitate it in the center of downtown Wheeling. This building used to be a shoe store. Then it was "Domino's Express Pizazz Pizza" - whatever the fuck that all means. Then, as the dust settled, it would morph into an unclean, disgusting Mexican Restaurant called Nogales. History would dictate a brand new restaurant in a year or so. And voila, Tiki Bar and Grill emerged.
I'd never been in the place. I walk in and it pretty much resembles a Jimmy Buffett parking lot. Lots of "fun" stuff to look at. Plenty of dollar store decorative items - lots of plastic statues and lays. It's as though the party just never stops (keep in mind, this is centrist Wheeltown). I guess I've never been a big fan of the whole Margaritaville movement, lots of pureed strawberries and tropical fun.
Our waiter was kind of like a Wheeling Sinatra. Very cordial and debonair, he is probably the most hospitable man in the 26003 zip code. He could turn the most mundane topic (our drink orders - 4 waters and 3 diet cokes) into a veritable plethora of side-splitting punchlines. Let's just say he was at the peak of his game.
The menu attempts to capture this "beach vibe" but it resembles more of a "Perkins meets Eat'n'Park." Basically, there's a bunch of hamburgers, sandwiches and salads - then they make it fun by throwing in a dose of salsa or pico di guyo (sp., I know).
I had the special - a turkey melt w/ fries and coleslaw. It may have been the special, but it was sadly lackluster albeit edible. I would think they'd make the daily special something a little more festive. Just a side note - the coleslaw was sub-par and it came in one of those tiny salad dressing containers. Fortunately, since the coleslaw was in the spectrum of "that which sucks," I considered it a non-issue. Regardless, I'd never complain about something so trivial. I just thought the weak portion was peculiar.
All in all, I'd have to give Tiki a lamentable thumbs down. I'd give the place another 6-8 months depending on how much money they opt to throw down the drain. I have a hunch that Lunchtimez was a harbinger of more things to come this evening. You see, I'm heading up to scalp the Jimmy Buffett show at Starlake. In and out - I love it on a Tuesday. All the drunk frat boys will be getting rid of tickets for $5-$10 a piece. "Yeah, but you don't understand, I paid $137 for this ticket." "Uh yeah, I"m painfully aware of that - how about 5 bucks? Just don't eat it."
I'll snag about a dozen or so and resell them at cost. Tonight's a great night to check out the EMT vehicle; tons of drunks will bite the dust, or at Starlake, they bite the rocky concrete surface, strewn with bits of charred glass and puddles of rhombus-shaped vomit . Welcome Parrotheads - an unusual sect of the populous that summons all their collective strength for one evening of summertime revelry!

Wip out that coconut bra! You are so zany!

Drink cheap Tequila, you know the shitty Pepe Lopez brand with the cool plastic Mexican sombrero on the bottle. Then, later that night, afix the sombrero to the head of your penis! What a blast.

Sing the good time refrain of Cheeseburger in Paradise. Then, on the way home, sing Mony Mony (get laid get fucked).

Reminisce about all the drunken fun times you've had at previous Buffett shows. Yeah, I got so wasted when I saw him in 96. Jimmy's da man.

44 year old divorced mother of 3, cinch in that pussy pillow! Tonight you will shine!

How about that one time? You know, when a dozen people cruised up to Buffett and continually filled a bucket with urine, and then from time to time, would empty it into one of those kiddie wading pools. Then, they'd watch the people swimming and splashing about in their urine. It's a felony, but it's so much fun. Only at a Jimmy Buffett show.

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