Thursday, October 15, 2009

Burlington Coat Factory Woman

Yesterday, a woman from Columbus, Ohio rented a Hummer limo and was dropped off in front of a Burlington Coat Factory. She told the crowd she had just won the lottery (1.5 million) and was going to pay for their purchases. Of course, she hadn't won shit. She was just a moron seeking adoration from anonymous strangers. Anyway, when the crowd finally determined it was all a hoax a riot ensued. Customers trashed the place and many made off with stolen merchandise.
I find this story amusing because it involves 2 things I have great disdain for (limos and the lottery). I'd like to encourage someone to try this in Wheeling. I'd even be willing to drive and you don't have to tip me.
We could hit TJ's Sportsgarden for the lunch rush. We'll pull up directly in front of the entrance and I'll put the hazards on. That will help create a minimal buzz. Can you fathom some idiots paying a grand for a limo and then having the wisdom to dine at TJ's. Sounds about right. Anyway, I'd love to see the fall-out from this one. You make the same announcement. Lunch and drinks are on me! People start ordering the most expensive item on the menu. I'm not sure what it is - maybe something called "Beef Tips and Noodles." People at the bar start ordering endless shots (probably Jagerbombs and Irish Car Bombs).
After you make a hasty exit, word starts to gradually spread that it was all a hoax. When the bills and bar tabs are delivered, people go apeshit. If I were there, I'd whip out a Swiss army knife and start carving up the felt surface of the pool tables. You could carve the words "Wheeling Feeling." Some drunken slob could knock over the popcorn machine. Little kids could piss outside the urinals. All the waitresses would be blowing those whistles around their necks. Total, absolute chaos.
On the way out, maybe the mob could tip over the TJ's delivery mobile. Have you seen this thing? Apparently, the new hotel up the road doesn't have room service but you can have food delivered from TJ's. Have you seen their Philly cheese steak lunch special? Wouldn't it be funny when someone orders that thing and they get that miniaturized shaved steak-um sandwich? The "famous" coleslaw (I'm not sure why it's designated as famous) would have spilled all over the sandwich. Mmmm, soggified steak-um shit. I wonder how many people have been dissatisfied with their meals and tried to send them back. I don't envy that delivery driver. He/she has their work cut out for them.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

She's Bi-polar and Schizophrenic, kind of like you!