Alright... if I didn't weigh in on Mountaineer Field's new drinking policy, my faithful readers (about a bakers dozen) are going to assume I've passed out cold. Things will be different this year. For the first time in its storied history, Milan Puskar Stadium (doesn't that name make you cringe, it sounds like some Vulcanesque IT guy at a Star Trek convention) will be SELLING beer INSIDE the stadium. Sounds cool, huh? Well, not really.
This season, Athletic Director Oliver Suck hath decreed that WVU is joining the 21st century. So they hired this company Sodexo to handle the sale and distribution of everyone's favorite beer, Bud and Bud Light ($7.00 a beer). If you do the math, this comes out to $65 per gallon. And people are pissed off about gas prices at $3.59/gallon. And Morgantown Brewing Co. will be offering superior handcrafted suds for $9.00 per beer. I refuse to the math on that one. But now I just sound like a cheap Jew. I can say this without fear of reprisal because my mother's vagina was indeed Jewish. All this extra income will amount to somewhere between 500 lodge and 1.2 million per season. Now those are numbers I can comprehend.
And they're going to hire an additional 500 employees to handle all that demand! With an emphasis on not letting things get out of hand, they're going to meticulously train these people in the skilled arts of spotting a drunk. Hmmm, I would say, "Welcome to Morgantown. Does moonshine count?"
But what totally sucks is the end of the halftime "pass-out" ticket era. This is the proudest WVU tradition of them all. The drunken charge back to the parking lot - Slam 2 beers, down a shot of cheap whiskey and smoke a doob.
In addition, Oliver Fuck has also instituted the new "High Five Rules." This could possibly be the gayest promotion in all the Big East (even worse than the endless Panther growls at Heinz Field wrapped around the James Taylor "Sweet Caroline" anthem). Maybe Oliver Luck will contract with that internet singing sensation Rebecca Black for a special Friday night appearance vs. UConn. Have that Huskie mascot dry hump, or perhaps fur bump, the living shit out of her. She could do her bit "Gotta get down on Friday!" on the 50 yard line WV logo. Mountaineer games will be the new "place to be" (George Costanza). It's where I see all my friends. And yeah, I know, we play the fighting insurance salesman from Connecticut on a Saturday. But the thought of her fornicating with the dog...
For logistical purposes, we'll put Rebecca Black in the spotlight of the Backyard Brawl. It's in WV this year and it actually does fall on a Friday. Stick her in there with the feline, catlike creature and go with a lesbian, bestiality theme. It's a win-win.
But I digress. The new and innovative high five rules include the following:
1) No smoking (as I alluded to earlier, pass the doobie on the left hand side). And what will become of the legions of "chaw-billies?" Technically speaking, these are the overalls-wearing, smokeless tobacco spitting subset of the population who carry around their spittoon emblazoned with a WV logo. Yep, 35% are female.
2) No cursing (Even the fire and brimstone preachers could feel the heat - words like "Hell" or "Damn" could result in someone ratting you out via text alert). What will happen to the historically eloquent "Eat Shit Pitt" rallying cry? If you need security, call 304-293-FANS or text AID to 94597. I would suggest specifically flooding them with public masturbation complaints.
3) No throwing foreign objects onto the field (The Iron Sheik would be rolling over in his grave - no more sinister "loading of the boot" while the referee is distracted by Classy Freddy Blassie). I loved it when Hug-A-Bear took the mic at the Pitt game last year (2-3-10). Someone should have turned that tirade into one of those internet rap spoofs.
4) No "excessive" drinking. This begs the most obvious question, then why initiate beer sales in the first place? Can anyone other than an out-of-state college freshman girl (likely from Topeka, Kansas) actually get loaded by just consuming Bud Light draft. I believe the tolerance of West Virginians to be much higher than the national average. Note: I did not say we are tolerant. We merely have a higher tolerance.
5) And here's the best one - fans must show respect and follow the instructions of security personnel. I once saw this motorist get out of his vehicle and try to engage the traffic cop in a fist fight. And this was at 9am and we were playing a Division II team, Tallahassee State or something. He wouldn't let him go the wrong way down a one-way road or something. I'd be eager to see some of the training techniques in spotting drunken fans. Apparently, Sodexo employs "role-playing" sessions. Maybe I should get in the action.
"Listen up you inbred. You are an unfortunate by-product of an incestuous encounter! I can detect the acrid stench of incest emanating from your groin 50 yards away as I'm pissing in the mens restroom. You are urinally and fecally omniscient! I'm an atheist Jew god-damnit! You... you biblical reading, you abortion fearing... gun wielding scum. You piece of shit hunter. You kill not for sustenance, but for the sole pleasure of killing a defenseless buck, you fuck. Then, you eat at McDonalds. You... you piece of McShit! Outta my way asshole!"
In my mind, this constitutes effective role playing. Sodexo will likely want to hire me as an outside consultant. Seriously though, I would like to test the skill of an average Sodexo temp. I doubt they are truly skilled in the arts of (verbal) war. Never forget what happened to that dude in Braveheart. Longshanks threw his bitch ass out that castle window. Splat.
But alright, what are we gonna do about this new policy bullshit. I would suggest some WVU grad student construct one of those dumbass facebook pages. Call it "JUST SAY NO TO SODEXO." This is effective because...
A. It employs the weakest rhyme in the history of catchy slogans. Hey, that's all people have time for these days. We simply need to "like" things or use a predetermined "status" via status shuffle. Then, our "friends" will lavish us with praise because we were so clever. We chose to press the button that said "I'm such a hottie, I'm a naughty!!!"
B. It's an offshoot of Nancy Reagan's 1980's campaign which still to this day, has a spattering degree of "umphhh." They really need her to make a decrepit appearance at the RNC Convention this year in Tampon Bay. She's always been such an inspiration to the Michele Bachman/Sarah Palin ilk.
But here's the real purpose of the Just Say No To Sudexo facebook group - to throw down a complete boycott of the beer sales and force them to rescind their new beer policy. Here's how you do it.
A. The most obvious routine. You smuggle in your own beer. Liquor is vastly easier. You just pour it in dual ziplock bags (yellow and blue make green). Surreptitiously place the bag in the crotchetal region of your pants. Then, just go buy a coke and fill 'er up. Or I would suggest using the ol' wheel chair technique. Find an old one from Goodwill and use it on game day. Hide the beverages behind your back or on the underside. Back in the day, this was how the bootleggers used to sneak in large recording equipment. And I really like the "bootlegger" connotation considering the prevalence of moonshine in central WV.
B. Now this could be entertaining. How about flooding the security people and ushers with tampon, insulin or various emergency illness requests. They'll still let you in and out of the stadium, IF IT'S WARRANTED. This will work for me on opening day against Marshall because it's a Sunday. "Listen you bastard, I have to get to my car and find my Torah. God said I must praise the Sabbath and keep it holy. You will NOT discriminate against my Jew-ass, lest ye burn in hell." Maybe I could tell them I forgot my yarmulke. Has anyone ever walked into Mountaineer Field wearing that dumb ass shit? I might do it just for kicks. Yes, I am that sick.
C. Here's a cool one. Distribute fliers that say Sodexo financially supports a shadowy terrorist network. Have students hand these out next to the beer stands and outside the stadium. The trick is to make it convincing. Okay, maybe not the company, maybe the CEO has ties to some fringe, shadowy Pakistani movement. Don't go with the obvious Al Qaeda choice. I'll be happy to help with the content. The main goal here is to just discourage and intimidate anyone who goes up to the beer stand. This would be so fucking cool - if the stands don't produce revenue, they'll be removed next season and the Oliver Luck infidel's decision will be regarded as a national embarrassment. You know what? Come to think of it, skip the terrorist insinuation. Just say he's a big contributor to, or in bed with, the Mountaintop Mining Removal crowd. That would be far more effective. And way more credible.
D. Demand free beer. I used to do this at Starlake. You just snag a cup and go up to the stand. "Hey I don't mean to sound like a jerk but (brief pause)... but, this cop bumped into me and spilled my beer. He said, just go back to the stand and ask them for a refill. Tell them Jonathan Parker, Badge #167 said you'd give them a refill. (another brief pause) Is that cool?" Then give them a slight look of assertive despair. Make firm eye contact, but don't try to stare them down. Middle aged, male concession people are your best bet. It's easy once you get the delivery down. I did this a record 5 times at an Eagles concert at Starlake on 8-15-94 (yep, still have the ticket stub). I scalped the living fuck out that show.
The most vital aspect is to convey the following message. We are Mountaineer Fans. We are cooler and more rebellious than all other universities. When they said, "Hey, great news, we're going to sell you schmucks over-priced beer and you will gather like sheep preparing to be sodomized... WE FOUGHT BACK. We sent a stern message. We will not buy your beer. Instead, we will get drunker and louder than ever before. We will return to the couch burning era of the late 80's and early 90's. If you think that was bad, we will torch your beer stand. And we will smuggle in our own alcohol. Take your High Five Rules and methodically stick each one up your ass.
All this needs is a little coordination at the student level. I'll assist, just drop me a line. In the meantime, I'm still struggling to write something far more important. I just needed to take my mind off the heavy stuff.
One last thought. This idea could have a special place in my heart if it makes the national news. If we go 3-0 to start the season and LSU starts off 3-0, I've heard rumors that ESPN Gameday will make it's first ever televised showing in Mo-Town. This would be completely bad ass as one of MY systemic disruptions would get a national audience. I'm pretty sure we'll start 3-0. Holgorson is seeking to annihilate. This guy is not some Bill Stewart-inspired, cunt-tree bumpkin. I think we'll beat Marshall something like 37-7. Then, crush the living shit out of Norfolk State (maybe 63-10). Then come back to earth for the away game at Maryland. Maybe 34-20 or something.
LSU has a tough opener against Oregon, but they're at home. Tigers never lose in the bayou. Then, another home game against Northwestern State (I don't know exactly what the "state" version of Northwestern is). Then, a road game against Mississippi State. So LSU at WVU, night game, televised, inverted alcohol policy, etc. It all sounds about right. Plus, you get the vengeance angle from last years game.
Here's one final idea, this one being the most distasteful. I remember an internet sensation from a few years ago. It started near Pittsburgh. These kids would go through the McDonalds drive thru and purchase a McShake. After they paid for it, they'd throw it in the face of the drive thru worker while the window was still open. They'd always yell the same thing... "FIRE IN THE HOLE!" They'd film the shit and put in on youtube. It was completely insane. What if fans started lobbing beers at the Sodexo workers? Anytime someone lobs in a half-full beer, they yell "LET'S GO!" and the crowd in the background chants back "SODEXO!"