Sunday, September 09, 2012
Brian Orakpo, Geico caveman commercial
I think the Geico caveman commercials have hit a new low. Sensing a winner, the auto insurance marketing execs surely inked our dear neanderthal to a multi-year contract. And yes, I realize the true mission of any insurance company is to saturate the airwaves. Over and over again. Until the word Geico is embedded in your brain... or tattooed on your forehead. But this cheerleader ad seems to air extra-incessantly. If you watch NFL football on Sunday, you'll likely see it a dozen times. What was once barely enjoyable has morphed into a god damn annoyance. I'd be willing to bet that the caveman's long term contract exceeds the Orakpo contract. I wonder who makes more money over the long haul. Odd that it could very well be the humiliated, subserviant caveman.
First off, what's with the script? The caveman starts off defiantly. "YOU ARE BRIAN ORAKPO, all-pro linebacker." Who the hell talks like that? Why would anyone, let alone a sub-humanoid, speak with such declarative temerity? Let me give you a hint. It's because unless you're a Redskins fan, nobody knows who the hell this guy is. And I watch plenty of football. If I were all up in Geico's collective asshole, I would have told them, "Hey, let's at least use an NFL star who plays on OFFENSE." Strategically speaking, wouldn't it be better to use an NFL star that shows up in peoples' fantasy stats. Regardless of his all-pro status, why choose a defensive player from a team that went 5-11 last year?
And here's a thought that just entered my twisted mind? Wouldn't it be crazy if the Geico caveman was black? Political correctness subverted? I bet you'd see a devastating Geico boycott. One that easily supersedes the Chick-Fil-A President Dan Cathy's gay marriage fiasco. Seriously, I'd much prefer a black caveman... and for that matter, a black Jesus. After all these years, the hippie version seems really stale. And I'd also like to finally see a picture of the prophet Mohammed. I know what all the godlike characters generally look like... Buddha, Vishnu the elephant, Confucius, Yoda, Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory, etc. Why can't we get a definitive Mohammed?
Does anyone remember the early days of the "caveman premise?" They were sophisticated and urbane. Viewed by the general public with this slight suspicion but relative acceptance. Conceptually, it was intriguing. But nowadays the caveman is one step away from slamming jagerbombs and hangin' with Sammy Hagar. They're getting a high mileage discount at the DMV. They're glued to the gambling machines at the Wheeling Downs. The cavemen are everywhere. You know what's really sad... we the people never really abandoned the cavemen. They abandoned us.
Here's a much better insurance commercial from our good neighbors at State Farm. They're there.