Sunday, June 21, 2015

Yinz Can't Always Get What Yinz Want

Well, it finally happened.  I was tinkering with my latest blog entry and somehow managed to delete the whole damn thing.  I tried all kinds of cached history, the time machine gismo, the control and command functions... but to no avail.  Fortunately, it wasn't one of my lengthier entries.  So for the first time in my 10 year history of blogging, I am going to attempt a "limited, scripted recreation."  Think of it like one of those annual, semi-stale American-Indian War reenactments staged at Oglebay Park's Camp Russell (Nesbitt).

So without further adieu...

Yep, a bunch of braved the torrential downpour and hit up the Stones concert last night at Heinz Field.  I had a good time, but generally came away unimpressed.  The band seemed like they were just "going through the motions."  Like they were in a hurry to "git the hell outta town."  High expectations can often yield a bit of a let-down in accordance with lofty concert-going principles and practices.  And I have absolutely no idea what the fuck that means.  So rather than yammer on and on about the show, I'll just post a few pics and finish it off with some routine stampede prevention propaganda.  And I'm also gonna throw in a suggestion for Mayor Peduto.

Pic of rig.  Huzzah.

My favorite rock star... and tongue.

Can't believe I found this vintage Cabernet in the heart of Millvale!  Score.

Rip provided shelter with a pop-up tent from Sam's Club.  
And we snagged 2 tix for $20.00  Sucked.

Disparaging sign intended for everyone.  Got some decent feedback.  One guy told me it's "his dream to fuck Huey Lewis."  I replied, "but what of the news?"  He fired back, "Yeah, I'm gonna fuck them too!"

Poorly executed spacing and delivery.  
Creepy and kinda scary.  Very uni-bombesque.

Regrettably, Mick Jagger didn't take my advice.  I kept thinking, maybe he'll say something about emergency evac protocol.  But he didn't.  It was as though I was waiting on a friend... it felt like walking into Elm Grove DiCarlos without a call-in number.  That dingy (pronounced both ways) scraggly woman picks the number for you.  "Your number is 82."  Then she calls out, "Number 17, that's 8 ends and a bag of cheese."  By the way, it's not real mozzarella.  I've seen the box it comes in.  It's called "Mozza-Mate."  Ironic how the crust could actually pass for some kind of low-grade Jewish Matzah sustenance.  Is this more than a coincidence?  A conspiracy perhaps?  Fuck no.  If you want a real conspiracy, read my free online book about the next potential 9/11 (multiple, simultaneous artificially generated stampedes likely impacting the NFL 1 o'clock slate of games).

And hey, if you enjoy that book.  Here's another one for ya.  Be forewarned, it's possibly the worst book ever written.

Alright, so here's the deal.  The NFL and the federal government won't go anywhere near this shit.  So feel free to be proactive and just tell people the TRUTH --- LEGIT stadium evac orders don't come from your personal cell phone.  It ain't rocket science.

Interestingly enough, facebook has once again suspended my public commenting privileges for "repeated spam violations."  So I guess my 300 some user friends will get a well-deserved break for a a few days.  I'll just have to venture more in the direction of Disqus forums (which generally get more redirect hits anyway, but it's more time consuming).

Since nobody cares about my incessant, anguished oinks regarding human stampede prevention, here's some sound advice for Mayor Peduto and the city of Pittsburgh.

Last night, we were in Green Lot 21.  Having tailgated in every lot imaginable surrounding Heinz Field and PNC Park, I asked Gig, "Where the fuck is Green 21?"  I know that green lots are near the North end-zone and Carnegie Science Center area.  Gold are lots right next to the stadium for the more important tailgaters and VIH (very important humans).  Red are mostly across from the ballpark.  And the blue lots are for the vomit spewing, encrusted filth under the underpasses as fans blare distorted echoing renditions of that 1970's polka Steelers fight song on repeat, over and over again, until you go hoarse from having to scream your brains out.  That's where I like to party!

Okay fellow Burghers.  Here's my proposition.  The city has plans for repainting the 3 bridges to the North.  And best of all, they're asking for unsolicited advice from the public.  Which they'll likely not adhere to.  My instincts tell me they'll stick with the yellow scheme.  How unfortunate as this could be exceptionally cool.  My recommendation --- stick with yellow for the Clemente bridge.  Go with silver for the Warhol bridge.  And paint that Rachel Carson Street bridge all the colors of the gay pride rainbow... curb appeal for the lesbians, transgendered and multi-pronged, penile implanted weirdos with a vast array of genital piercings.   

I just saw this pic.  It's gaining traction on the internet.

My reply to him and his freakshow brethren --- Cover your mouth when you sneeze.  Manners!

Please forgive the tangent.  I just really can't stand the ear lobe disc holes.  As if a greater facial embellishment is warranted or remotely deemed necessary.  I'd sooner fondle Caitlyn Jenner's cock and/or balls.

Anyhoo, since the city of Pittsburgh can't/won't take my advice regarding stadium/ballpark safety and security, here's an idea they might be able to grasp... in collaboration with the "infinite wisdom of Alcoa" of course.

You've got all these parking lots on the North Shore and thousands of people who have absolutely zero idea where they're going.  Most of them are happy just making it through the Fort Pitt Tunnel without getting rear-ended or cut off by some douchebag jackass flying in from the West End on a scalene triangulated diagonal.  Hey, he's in a hurry to get to the Monroeville Mall so he can shoot the place up.  I completely sympathize with the sense of urgency.

And finally, since you've come this far, here's my killer suggestion.  PAINT THE DAMN PARKING LOT BOOTHS THE ACTUAL COLOR OF THE LOT.  Currently, all the booths are blue.  So if it's a green lot, paint the booth GREEN (show me the money).  If it's a red lot, paint the booth RED (your blood will pave the path to the future).  If it's yellow, yer YELLA.  If it's blue, you keep it the same (no change is necessary).  See where I'm heading with this.  Maybe even paint the actual parking line spots with the same consistent theme. 

I realize my multi-faceted, societal advice is often too difficult for the average imbecile to fully comprehend.   Hopefully, we can get the ball rolling and make a tiny bit of progress with this here Pixburgh Paint'n'Sip.  And then move onto something bigger.  Baby steps.

But it won't be easy.  Seriously, check out this.

I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to future Steelers opponents.  Rumor has it that next year we'll be playing Lexington... and maybe someday face off against the sinister team of Paducah!

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