Friday, October 21, 2016

The Trib

Hockey season is back.  Around Pixburgh, it never really ends.

But something notable happened to kick off the new season.  Consol Energy sold the naming rights to the arena.  Now, and for the foreseeable future, it will be known as PPG Paints Arena.  Some fans want to call it the Paint Can or the Paint Bucket.  How predictably quaint or explicitly taint... depending on your perspective of course. 

But there's another change in the works.  And the vast majority of fans have no idea it's coming.  Along with the transfer of the venue's name, there has been a "hushed push" to get rid of the Penguins beloved mascot.  It's hard to believe but Iceburgh will soon be on the way out.  Gasp.

That's right!  Make room for the new mascot.  Introducing... drum roll please...  THE TRIB!

Yep.  In an attempt to broaden the fan base, Penguins management reached out to hockey enthusiasts in Eastern Ohio and the West Virginia panhandle.  Sure enough, they stumbled upon Patrick Tribbett, the regional paint huffer with a national following.

And the timing couldn't be any better.  Here's how it all unfolded.

Just as the Tribune Review planned to cease operations, their sales department realized that some residual money had been allocated for marketing and future promotional endeavors.  A firm commitment was made to preserve the legacy of this storied publication.

Publisher Richard Mellon Scaife --- "The Trib isn't going down.  Not without a fight."

And what a "golden opportunity" it was.  Most fans seem to agree.  There's a definitive "silver lining" to this exciting new partnership.

Penguins CEO Dave Morehouse --- "The Trib is back!  He's gonna paint the town red.  And to a lesser extent, gold and silver."

Owner Mario Lemieux --- "For the home opener, we rolled out the red carpet.  This wasn't by accident.  Trust me, there's no bigger celebrity than The Trib."

Coach Mike Sullivan --- "The Trib brings with him an intangible quality.  He's going to make our offense, well... more offensive."

Captain Sidney Crosby --- "The Trib offers a unique element of surprise.  He will huff... and he will puff... and he will blow our opponents down." 

Miscellaneous yinzer from Dormont --- "The Trib kicks ass at Pittsburgh Plate Glass."

However, it should be noted.  With Iceburgh getting his walking, er uhh, sliding papers, not all fans are receptive to the transition.

Divorced mother of 4 from Wilkinsburg (correctly pronounced "we'll kill yinz burg") --- "The Trib sends the wrong message to our little 'uns.  I was hoping for a 'less dirty' mascot.  One who relies on a cleaner source of intoxicants.  Maybe nitrous oxide or something along those lines.  It's all about promoting a greener environment.  Think of the children!"

Mark Madden at 105.9 WXDX --- As a spokesman for Dupont, PPG and the petrochemical industry at-large, change can be a good thing.  My combined knowledge of the porn industry and "stripper makeup" means that my opinion here counts.  Yours does not.  In fact, you're a stupid idiot.  With a tested IQ of 160, I say this as a certified super genius. #superpenis

Others fear that the iconic Terrible Towel could fall from grace.  You gotta admit --- it does send a conflicting message.  After all, a towel isn't that far removed from a washcloth.  And what do you use a washcloth for?  To wipe that damn paint off yo face!


1 comment:

Alexis Deagle said...