Prologue:
Extra! Extra! Sing all about it!
Hot shit cumin' thru. Hot shit.
Finally, my long awaited sequel to "NFL: Negative Feedback Loop" is now freely available in the large intestine of the internet.
And guess what? The reviews are in. Much like a bout with severe ulcerative colitis, it's on karaoke fire!
Intro: Saquan Barkley (Francis Scott Key)
1. Jarvis Landry (Don Henley)
2. Nick Chubb (David Bowie)
3. Cream Cunt (Steve Martin)
4. Cooper Kupp (The Foundations)
5. Cam Akers (Vic Mizzy)
6. Zach Ertz (Nazareth)
7. Brady (Styx)
8. Golden Taint (David Bowie)
9. Diggs (ZZ Top)
10. Golladay (Madonna)
Encore #1: Younghoe Koo Chee Man (Muddy Waters)
Encore #2: Crusty Loads, Pat Mahomes (John Denver)
Encore #3: T.Y. Hil-ton (The Village People)
“Ladies and gentlemen, at this time we ask that you please rise and remove your Make America Great Again ball cap as we honor Donald J. Trump with the singing of our National Anthem.”
The Star-Spangled Banner
sonofsaf
O Saquon you pee, in the urinal white,
What so loudly he pissed in the toilet bowl streaming,
Whose large cock and big balls, in his left hand not right.
O’er the loud farts we heard, was your gassy ass feeling.
And the one-eyed dick scare, the bone throbbing with care,
Gave piss through the hole, for the glory to share,
O Saquon my maid anal cum in my cave
O’er the cum that you crave, on your face is depraved.
Dedicated to the Wizard of Fuzz. His Wheeling Feeling FFL season has pretty much gone the way of the New Jersey Giants first round 2018 draft pick. All. Torn. Up.
Meta tags: Saquon Barkley, NFL, New York Giants, urine, urinal, penis, flatulence, anal maid, ejaculation, depravity, Gwar, Francis Scott Key, Star Spangled Banner
The Star-Spangled Banner
Francis Scott Key
O say can you see, by the dawn’s early light,
What so proudly we hail’d at the twilight’s last gleaming,
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight.
O’er the ramparts we watch’d were so gallantly streaming?
And the rocket’s red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there,
O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
1. Jarvis Landry
sonofsaf
He makes his livin’ off the N-F-L
Just throw him passes, passes he can sell
Even though the Browns all smell
They love Jarvis Landry
Well, he coulda been a winner, but he wound up here
Factory of sadness, ain't nuthin' left to fear
Throw a spiral over here
Give us Jarvis Landry
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch electrify
They got the Jimmy Haslam owner
Who owns Flyin’ J
He can tell you ‘bout his truck stops, pumpin’ gas all the way
We hope one day he’ll go away
Give us Jarvis Landry
Can we call for arbitration?
Is the contract set?
You know, the clowns in the press box have some gambling debt
Post it on the internet
We need Jarvis Landry
Cleveland really needs to fart loud, t’would smell no doubt
It would really smell a lot like burnt sauerkraut
Still he grabs it on his rout
Eat your Jarvis Landry
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Smoke another joint
We could use a bye
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Smoke another joint
We could use a bye
Dirty little Brownies
Ugly group of guys
They got their silly little jerseys that look like pumpkin pies
Their coaches do not heed our cries
We love Jarvis Landry
There’s no room for innuendo
Yinz all whine and bitch
When the game is done, they will have dug their own ditch
We all know he’s really rich
Give us Jarvis Landry
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Dedicated to a morbidly obese, anonymous black woman sporting a Jarvis Landry jersey. Your gunt was my muse.
Meta tags: Jarvis Landry, NFL, Cleveland Browns, stench, factory of sadness, Jimmy Haslam, Pilot Flying J, flatulence, burnt sauerkraut, marijuana brownies, pumpkin pie, Don Henley, Dirty Laundry
Dirty Laundry
Don Henley
I make my living off the evening news
Just give me something-something I can use
People love it when you lose,
They love dirty laundry
Well, I coulda been an actor, but I wound up here
I just have to look good, I don't have to be clear
Come and whisper in my ear
Give us dirty laundry
Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em all around
We got the bubble-headed-bleach-blond
Who comes on at five
She can tell you 'bout the plane crash with a gleam in her eye
It's interesting when people die
Give us dirty laundry
Can we film the operation?
Is the head dead yet?
You know, the boys in the newsroom got a running bet
Get the widow on the set!
We need dirty laundry
You don't really need to find out what's going on
You don't really want to know just how far it's gone
Just leave well enough alone
Eat your dirty laundry
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em all around
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re stiff
Kick ‘em all around
Dirty little secrets
Dirty little lies
We got our dirty little fingers in everybody's pie
We love to cut you down to size
We love dirty laundry
We can do "The Innuendo"
We can dance and sing
When it's said and done we haven't told you a thing
We all know that Kraft is king
Give us dirty laundry!
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
2. Nick Chubb
sonofsaf
Nick Chubb
Put on your Nikes and stretch the field
Nick Chubb
To the sound they’re roarin’ in the stadium
Let's play
With creamy cum on your face
Let's play
Play through the porn in the cyberspace
If you say cum
I'll cum for you
And if chicken’s fried
It’s fried
Because my balls are two
My cock will enter you
If you should drink until it burns
And Chubb a whisky sour
Nick Chubb
Nick Chubb
Let’s hope you catch the ball
Nick Chubb
Hope you don’t trip and fall
Let's play
Do not stare between my thighs
Let's play
Under the bright lights, the glorious bright lights
And if you say cum
I'll cum for you
And if chicken’s fried
It’s fried
Because my balls are two
My cock will enter you
If you should drink until it burns
And Chubb a whisky sour
Nick Chubb
Put on your Nikes and stretch the field
Let's play
Under the bright lights, the glorious bright lights
Let’s Play
Let’s Play
Nick Chubb, Nick Chubb, Nick Chubb, Nick Chubb, Nick Chubb
Dedicated to Retired Banker. By selecting Nick Chubb in this year’s first round fantasy draft, he effectively lived up to his shrill designation.
Meta tags: Nick Chubb, NFL, Cleveland Browns, Nike, ejaculation, intercourse, pornography, fried chicken, whisky sour, David Bowie, Let’s Dance
Let’s Dance
David Bowie
Let's dance
Put on your red shoes and dance the blues
Let's dance
To the song they're playin' on the radio
Let's sway
While color lights up your face
Let's sway
Sway through the crowd to an empty space
If you say run
I'll run with you
And if you say hide
We'll hide
Because my love for you
Would break my heart in two
If you should fall into my arms
And tremble like a flower
Let's dance
Let's dance
For fear your grace should fall
Let's dance
For fear tonight is all
Let's sway
You could look into my eyes
Let's sway
Under the moonlight, this serious moonlight
And if you say run
I'll run with you
And if you say hide
We'll hide
Because my love for you
Would break my heart in two
If you should fall into my arms
And tremble like a flower
Let's dance
Put on your red shoes and dance the blues
Let's sway
Under the moonlight, this serious moonlight
Let's sway
Let's sway
Let's dance, let’s dance, let’s dance, let’s dance, let’s dance
3. Cream Cunt
sonofsaf
Cream Cunt (Cream Cunt)
Now when he was an infant,
They circumcised his dick
Doctor went to snip, chopped off that whole thing
(Cream Cunt) How’d you get so rasta?
(Funky Cunt) Dreadlocks made of pasta
College at Toledo
Moved to Cuyahoga (Cream Cunt)
(Cream Cunt) Now he’s all grown
A running back to meet you
The NFL is funny
He runs in coliseum (Cream Cunt)
Don’t you call him chunky (Creamy Cunt)
He’s my Negro monkey!
College at Toledo
Moved to Cuyahoga (Cream Cunt) (Cunt Cunt)
Dancin’ in Ohio (Disco Cunt Cunt)
Transgendered for a while (Tranny Cunt Cunt)
Hall of fame is wild (Rockin’ Cunt Cunt)
He’s very versatile
His crotch is like a chasm
Menstrual cycle
Bloody prescription
Now when I run
(Now) don’t think I’m a runt
Don’t want no fumble numeral
Just none like ole Cream Cunt (Cream Cunt)
His hands are never clammy (Cream Cunt)
One time he pulled a hammy
College at Toledo, moved to Cuyahoga
College at Toled-a, he’s a football superher-a
Cream Cunt
Dedicated to Not Guilty. Better known far and wide as Cunt Face. Let’s just say she had a case of high infidelity.
Meta tags: Kareem Hunt, NFL, Cleveland Browns, vagina, circumcision, castration, dreadlocks, transgender, crotch, menstruation, Steve Martin, King Tut
King Tut
Steve Martin
King Tut (King Tut)
Now when he was a young man,
He never thought he'd see
People stand in line to see the boy king.
(King Tut) How'd you get so funky?
(Funky Tut) Did you do the monkey?
Born in Arizona,
Moved to Babylonia (King Tut).
(King Tut) Now, if I'd known.
They'd line up just to see you,
I'd trade in all my money
And bought me a museum. (King Tut).
Buried with a donkey (Funky Tut).
He's my favorite honky!
Born in Arizona,
Moved to Babylonia (King Tut).
Dancin' by the Nile, (Disco Tut).
The ladies love his style, (Waltzing Tut).
Rockin' for a mile (Rockin' Tut).
He ate a crocodile.
He gave his life for tourism.
Golden idol!
He's an Egyptian.
Now, when I die,
Don't think I'm a nut,
(Now) don't want no fancy funeral,
Just one like ole King Tut.
He coulda won a Grammy,
Buried in his jammies,
Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia,
He was born in Arizona, lived in a condo made of stone-a,
King Tut.
4. Cooper Kupp
sonofsaf
Why do you beat me up (beat me up) Cooper Kupp, baby
Give me ground and pound (ground and pound) and fuck me around
And then have the gall (have the gall) you dropped the ball, baby
When you punch my face (punch my face), and you steal my pills
I bleed red (I bleed red), take one for the team, darlin’
You smash all my fingers and toes
So beat me up (beat me up) Cooper Kupp, don’t break my nose
Deadicated to Low Down Hippie. He’d eagerly assist any Grateful Dead concert-goer experiencing car trouble. And then beat up his girlfriend. All in the same night. Sometimes peace and love. Sometimes violence and hatred. Regardless, he was the pure essence of multi-tasking.
Meta tags: Cooper Kupp, NFL, Los Angeles Rams, domestic violence, ground and pound, audacity, theft, blood, The Foundations, Buttercup
Buttercup
The Foundations
Why do you build me up (build me up) buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around?
And then worst of all (worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) buttercup, don't break my heart
5. Cam Akers Theme Song
sonofsaf
Cam Akers wants to shit on me
Crap spewin’ is the way to be
Ass spreadin’ take you for a ride
Big scat wagon, just gimme me that doggy-style
L.A. is where I’d rather play
I get lethargic being gay
I just adore an anal view
Darling I’d fuck you but rather eat kangaroo.
Hard core, you whore
No pain, shit stain
You are a dyke
Fuck you, take a hike
Cam Akers millionaire
Dedicated to Los Angeles Rams owner Stan Kroenke. Sorry I repeatedly tried to terminate your 5 billion dollar SoFi Stadium project in Inglewood. Make a new plan Stan!
Meta tags: Cam Akers, NFL, Los Angeles Rams, defecation, scat, kangaroo, lesbian, Eva Gabor, Eddie Albert, Green Acres
Green Acres Theme Song
Vic Mizzy
Green acres is the place to be
Farm livin' is the life for me
Land spreadin' out so far and wide
Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside
New York is where I'd rather stay
I get allergic smelling hay
I just adore a penthouse view
Dahling I love you but give me Park Avenue
The chores, the stores
Fresh air, Times Square
You are my wife
Good bye, city life
Green acres we are there
6. Zach Ertz
sonofsaf
Zach Ertz
Zach’s cock
Zach runs and blocks
Any dick for muff is filled with stuff
To make a first down gain, make a first down gain
Zach is very proud, doesn't mind the pain
Zach Ertz
Ooh Zach Ertz
He’s strong
Not slow
And Eagles know
He has some bling, fuck you, he’s earned for two
He really earned a lot, really earned a lot
Zach just loves the game, he burns you in the slot
Zach Ertz
Ooh Zach Ertz
Some will shrink
Like scaredy cats, panty waists, and momma’s boys
Some fools fool themselves with toys
They’re not screwing me
I know he ain’t a Jew, I know he ain’t a Jew
Zach loves Jesus Christ, he’s a lucky loo
Zach Ertz
Ooh Zach Ertz
Ooh Zach Ertz
I know he ain’t a Jew
I know he ain’t a Jew
Zach loves Jesus Christ, he’s a lucky loo
Zach Ertz
Ooh Zach Ertz
Ooh Zach Ertz, ooh
Dedicated to Hostile Golfer. Zach Attack scored the game winning touchdown in Super Bowl LII. Thus ensuring a victory over the despised New England Patriots (41-33). Where Eagles Dare. Fly Eagles Fly.
Meta tags: Zach Ertz, NFL, Philadelphia Eagles, penis, vagina, ejaculation, bling, compensation, marital aids, Judaism, Christianity, Jesus Christ, Nazareth, Love Hurts
Love Hurts
Nazareth
Love hurts
Love scars
Love wounds and marks
Any heart not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud, it holds a lot of rain
Love hurts
Ooh love hurts
I'm young
I know
But even so
I know a thing or two, I learned from you
I really learned a lot, really learned a lot
Love is like a flame, it burns you when it's hot
Love hurts
Ooh love hurts
Some fools think
Of happiness, blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves, I guess
They're not foolin' me
I know it isn't true I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie made to make you blue
Love hurts
Ooh love hurts
Ooh love hurts
I know it isn't true
I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie made to make you blue
Love hurts
Ooh love hurts
Ooh, love hurts, ooh
7. Brady
sonofsaf
Brady, when I fuck you I’m smiling
Take it, uuup your ass
Your hands, use my balls for deflating
Now third string, and a tampon at bay
Brady, here’s a jizz mop to clean you
Fondling yooour bone
I’ll give, all the semen that’s needed
Just don’t cry, when it’s in your end zone
(You're my) Brady, I’m corn holing!
Cum drips, down your thighs
Squirting, cream pie goodness
You’re my Brady
Brady, turns me on when your cheating
(He'll) show me, allll his rings
Game days, when you quarterback sneak me
Just pound it, straight up into my ass
You’re my Brady, I’m corn holing!
Cum drips, down your thighs
Squirting, cream pie goodness
You’re my Brady
Brady, I’m corn holing!
Cum drips, down your thighs
Squirting, cream pie goodness
You’re my Brady
Dedicated to the daughter of Man-Diamond. In nearly 20 years, I’ve spoken to you for less than 20 minutes. Still, your baby picture will be forever adorned in the sky-box of the dome hockey table.
Meta tags: Tom Brady, NFL, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, anal, tampon, semen, squirting, cream pie, cheating, quarterback sneak, corn holing, Styx, Lady
Lady
Styx
Lady, when you're with me I'm smiling.
Give me all your love
Your hands build me up when I'm sinking
Just touch me and my troubles all fade
Lady, from the moment I saw you
Standing all alone
You gave all the love that I needed
So shy, like a child who has grown
Lady of the morning
Love shines in your eyes
Sparkling, clear and lovely
You're my lady
Lady, turns me on when I'm lonely
Show me all your charm
Evenings when you lay down beside me
Just take me gently into your arms
You're my lady of the morning
Love shines in your eyes
Sparkling, clear and lovely
You're my lady
Lady of the morning
Love shines in your eyes
Sparkling, clear and lovely
You're my lady
8. Golden Taint
sonofsaf
Golden Taint, gold taint taint taint
Golden Taint, gold taint taint taint
Golden Taint, gold taint taint taint
Don't let me hear you say you get no action there
Anal
Come eat up, it’s tasty.
Stroke on the shaft, and scrotum
Gocks are mush and the gunts are yum
Come eat up, it’s tasty
There’s my anus, and my balls
And I’m hoping you crave that little hole
Golden taint, gold taint taint
Come eat up, it’s tasty
Last night I fucked you
Opening ass and gaping some things
Anal
Come eat up, it’s tasty
Insert tongue and do not decline
Stick it in crack, suck balls, and dine
Come eat up, it’s tasty
I’ll lick it up, baby, like a patron saint
I am gonna suck you in the golden taint
Gold
Golden taint, gold taint taint taint
Come eat up, it’s tasty
Back in the day when you wore a thong
Strung it up and down where it once belonged
In the back of an asshole silver long dong
Don’t whine, just eat. Try not to fart
Feeling alright, but I hope you don’t shart
Fist upon, fist upon, gay upon gay, Jesus Christ, oh Lord
Your fist’s in all the way
Come eat, it’s tasty
Lunch with the lesbos, lunch with the lesbos
Lunch with the lesbos near the golden taint
There’s my anus, and my balls
And I’m hoping you crave that little hole
Golden taint, gold taint taint taint
Come eat up, it’s tasty
Don't let me hear you say you get no action there
Anal
Come eat up, it’s tasty.
Lunch with the lesbos, lunch with the lesbos
Lunch with the lesbos near the golden taint
I’ll lick it up, baby, like a patron saint
I am gonna suck you in the golden taint
Gold
Golden taint, gold taint taint taint
Golden taint, gold taint taint taint
Golden taint, gold taint taint taint
Golden taint, gold taint taint taint
Golden taint, gold taint taint taint
Golden taint, gold taint taint taint
Golden taint, gold taint taint taint
Golden taint, gold taint taint taint
Golden taint, gold taint taint taint
Golden taint, gold taint taint taint
Dedicated to the most famous huffer in O-HIGH-O. The Trib! Just for the record, I completely understand the allure of Golden Boy (obscure Seinfeld reference). Straight outta Bell-Dirty!
Meta tags: Golden Tate, NFL, New York Giants, taint, perineum, anal, penis, gock, gunt, gaping, sharting, fisting, thong, flatulence, lesbian, David Bowie, Golden Years
Golden Years
David Bowie
Golden years, gold whop whop whop.
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Don't let me hear you say life's taking you nowhere.
Angel.
Come get up, my baby
Look at that sky, life's begun
Nights are warm and the days are young
Come get up, my baby
There's my baby, lost that's all
Once I'm begging you save her little soul
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Come get up, my baby.
Last night they loved you.
Opening doors and pulling some strings
Angel
Come get up, my baby
In walked luck and you looked in time
Never look back, walk tall, act fine
Come get up, my baby
I'll stick with you, baby, for a thousand years.
Nothing's gonna touch you in these golden years.
Gold
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Come get up, my baby
Some of these days, and it won't be long
Gonna drive back down where you once belonged
In the back of a dream car twenty foot long
Don't cry, my sweet, don't break my heart
Doing all right, but you gotta get smart
Wish upon, wish upon, day upon day, I believe, oh Lord
I believe all the way
Come get up, my baby
Run for the shadows, run for the shadows
Run for the shadows in these golden years
There's my baby, lost that's all
Once I'm begging you save her little soul
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Come get up, my baby
Don't let me hear you say life's taking you nowhere
Angel
Come get up, my baby
Run for the shadows, run for the shadows
Run for the shadows in these golden years
I'll stick with you, baby, for a thousand years
Nothing's gonna touch you in these golden years
Gold
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
9. Diggs
sonofsaf
Stefon Diggs, he knows how to screw them
No need for cigs, (but) he knows how smoke them
He’s wearin’ wigs, wonderin’ how to comb them
Would you fuck his ass then, or any other hole then
Baby daddy, baby daddy
He’s outta site
He’s got clubs, trunk of his caddy
He got his balls wet, golfin’ with a tranny
Every time he’s swingin, he knows how to screw
Everybody wants to know if he’ll just do it
This song’s mine, and it rhymes
Golf ball’s a Top Flite
Stefon Diggs, he knows how to screw them
No need for cigs, (but) he knows how to smoke them
He’s got a lime, gin & juice time
Plays in the night, Monday night crime
Oh, I’ll suck him, said I want to fuck him
Diggs Stefon's alright, he’s alright
Dedicated to House Dress. She didn’t have great legs but she always had an ample supply of frozen TV Dinners. Lego my Banquet.
Meta tags: Stefon Diggs, NFL, Buffalo Bills, cigarettes, wigs, anal, baby daddy, golf, Cadillac, balls, Top Flite, gin & juice, Monday Night Football, ZZ Top, Legs
Legs
ZZ Top
She's got legs, she knows how to use them
She never begs, she knows how to choose them,
She's holdin' leg wonderin' how to feel them
Would you get behind them if you could only find them?
She's my baby, she's my baby
Yeah, it's alright
She's got hair down to her fanny
She's kinda jet set, try undo her panties
Everytime she's dancin' she knows what to do
Everybody wants to see if she can use it
She's so fine, she's all mine
Girl, you got it right
She's got legs, she knows how to use them
She never begs, she knows how to choose them
She's got a dime all of the time
Stays out at night movin' through time
Oh, I want her, said, I got to have her
The girl is alright, she's alright
10. Golladay
sonofsaf
Golladay
Masturbate
Golladay
Masturbate
Hey my name is Golladay
Take some time to masturbate
Just some cum from my dick
It would be, it would be so thick
Every girl spread their legs
We’re gonna do some masturbation
Embryos and eggs
This ain’t urination
It’s time for a good jerk
Maybe throw in a bad twerk, oh yeah
Fun way to cum together and release the pressure
I’m Kenny Golladay
Hey my name is Golladay
Take some time to masturbate (come on, let’s masturbate)
Just some cum from my dick (Golladay)
It would be, it would be so thick
You can whack it up and down
And stroke it all of those pleasant ways
You don’t have to frown
It’s time to masturbate
Cum is fine
And in your mind
A way to squirt together, (we) can make things wetter
My name is Golladay
Hey my name is Golladay (Golladay)
Take some time to masturbate (come on, let's masturbate)
Just some cum from my dick (just some cum from my dick)
It would be, it would be so thick
Ooh yeah, oh yeah
Come on let’s masturbate
We have got to cum together
Golladay, ooh yeah, ooh yeah
Masturbate, come on let’s masturbate
Golladay, just some cum from my dick
Masturbate, it would be so thick
Golladay
Masturbate
Gollady
Masturbate
Golladay, we’ve got to cum together
Masturbate, take some time to masturbate
Golladay
Dedicated to my deceased and somewhat estranged Uncle Jack from Detroit. I once innocently asked, “Uncle Dick, how’s it going?” He dryly replied, “My name’s Jack. You father calls me Uncle Dick.”
Meta tags: Kenny Golladay, NFL, Detroit Lions, masturbation, ejaculation, fertility, urination, twerking, Madonna,
Madonna
Holiday
Celebrate
Holiday
Celebrate
If we took a holiday
Took some time to celebrate
Just one day out of life
It would be, it would be so nice
Everybody spread the word
We're gonna have a celebration
All across the world
In every nation
It's time for the good times
Forget about the bad times, oh yeah
One day to come together to release the pressure
We need a holiday
If we took a holiday
Took some time to celebrate (come on, let's celebrate)
Just one day out of life (holiday)
It would be, it would be so nice
You can turn this world around
And bring back all of those happy days
Put your troubles down
It's time to celebrate
Let love shine
And we will find
A way to come together, (we) can make things better
We need a holiday
If we took a holiday (holiday)
Took some time to celebrate (come on, let's celebrate)
Just one day out of life (just one day out of life)
It would be, it would be so nice
Ooh yeah, oh yeah
Come on let’s celebrate
We have got to get together
Holiday, ooh yeah, ooh yeah
Celebrate, come on let’s celebrate
Holiday, just one day out of life
Celebrate, it would be so nice
Holiday
Celebrate
Holiday
Celebrate
Holiday we’ve got to get together
Celebrate, take some time to celebrate
Holiday
Encore: Younghoe Koo Chee Man
sonofsaf
The baby doctor told my momma
Without any scorn
You got a lil’ weenie comin’
He’s gonna be Seoul’s favorite son
He gonna make all you ladies
Scream and shout
He’s gonna use that tongue
And eat them all out
But you know he’s Asian
Everybody knows he’s Asian
Well, you know he’s the Younghoe Koo Chee Man
Yeah, everybody knows he’s Asian
He got some egg foo young
He got some bibimbop
He got some spicy octopus stew
Egg soup is gonna drop
He’s gonna prod you girls
Chopsticks in his hand
He gonna use that tongue
Cuz he’s the Younghoe Koo Chee Man
But you know he’s Asain
Everybody knows he’s Asian
Yeah, you know he’s the Younghoe Koo Chee Man
Everybody knows he’s Asian
Billy Cuntiff cowers
It’s the Cuntiff way
He’s a Cuntiff cunt
His fellow teammates say
He was born for good sucky
And a lil’ sake
He got some dirty bird dollars
The ATM’s free
But you know he’s Asian
Everybody knows he’s Asian
Well, you know he’s the Younghoe Koo Chee Man
And all of sweet Georgia knows he’s Asian
Also dedicated to the Retired Banker. A tribute to his 2020 FFL moniker. Was the additional “Chee” suffix truly necessary? Time will tell.
Meta tags: Younghoe Koo, NFL, Atlanta Flacons, pregnancy, cunnilingus, Asian, egg foo young, bibimbap, octopus, egg drop soup, Billy Cundiff, Muddy Waters, Hoochie Coochie Man
Hoochie Coochie Man
Muddy Waters
The gypsy woman told my mother
Before I was born
I got a boy child's coming
He's gonna be a son of a gun
He gonna make pretty womens
Jump and shout
Then the world wanna know
What this all about
But you know I'm him
Everybody knows I'm him
Well, you know I'm a Hoochie Coochie Man
Yeah, everybody knows I'm him
I got a black cat bone
I got a mojo tooth
I got the John the conqueror root
I'm gonna mess with you
I'm gonna make you girls
Lead me by my hand
Then the world would know
That I'm a Hoochie Coochie Man
But you know I'm him
Everybody knows I'm him
Yeah, you know I'm a Hoochie Coochie Man
Everybody knows I'm him
On the seventh hours
On the seventh day
On the seventh month
The seven doctors said
He was born for good luck
And that you'll see
I got seven hundred dollars
Don't you mess with me
But you know I'm him
Everybody knows I'm him
Well, you know I'm a Hoochie Coochie Man
And the whole round world knows I'm him
Encore: Pat Mahomes, Crusty Loads
sonofsaf
Kansas City, West Missouri
Golden showers, urine I’ll deliver
Pubes are black here, blacker than black face
You will be R. Kelly’d, semen you’ll embrace
Crusty loads, Pat Mahomes
Glory hole for my dong
More Obama, less Osama
Pat Mahomes, crusty loads
Both my testicles, swollen pound her
Big black ball sack, danger near her twatter
Hokey pokey, cum shot in the eye
Salty taste of man milk, cock snot and creampie
Crusty loads, Pat Mahomes
Glory hole for my dong
More Obama, less Osama
Pat Mahomes, crusty loads
He feels the wood in the mornin’ hour he can’t pee
Fellatio is kind for my big bone lick today
Fillin’ up the tub, I got some Calgon
The time has cum to take me away, me away
Crusty loads, Pat Mahomes
Glory hole for my dong
More Obama, less Osama
Pat Mahomes, crusty loads
Crusty loads, Pat Mahomes
Glory hole for my dong
More Obama, less Osama
Pat Mahomes, crusty loads
Pat Mahomes, stain crusty loads
Pat Mahomes, stain crusty loads
Dedicated to Jermaine Stewart’s drummer. Personally, I’d prefer it if you kept your clothes on. A loyal Kansas City Chiefs fan and unwavering purveyor of overpriced jellies and preserves, steak sauces and seasonings, mustards, salad dressings, and of course, the emblematic fruit syrups. All hail the West Virginia Troopers Association and their notorious Bears Against Drugs Program. Trooper give ‘em Teddy Hug-A-Bear, makes ‘em understand.
Meta tags: Pat Mahomes, NFL, Kansas City Chiefs, golden shower, pubic hair, R. Kelly, semen, Barack Obama, Osama Bin Laden, glory hole, penis, testicles, twat, ejaculation, cream pie, erection, fellatio, Calgon, John Denver, Country Roads
Take Me Home, Country Roads
John Denver
Almost heaven, West Virginia
Blue Ridge Mountains, Shenandoah River
Life is old there, older than the trees
Younger than the mountains, growin' like a breeze
Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia, mountain mama
Take me home, country roads
All my memories gather 'round her
Miner's lady, stranger to blue water
Dark and dusty, painted on the sky
Misty taste of moonshine, teardrop in my eye
Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia, mountain mama
Take me home, country roads
I hear her voice in the mornin' hour, she calls me
The radio reminds me of my home far away
Drivin' down the road, I get a feelin'
That I should've been home yesterday, yesterday
Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia, mountain mama
Take me home, country roads
Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia, mountain mama
Take me home, country roads
Take me home, down country roads
Take me home, down country roads
Encore: T.Y. Hil-Ton
sonofsaf
Thank you, you must shit sitting down
In-bread, thank you, pinch a loaf by the pound
Asshole, thank you, change your face from a frown
There’s a place to be uncrappy
Thank you, there’s a poop you well know
Asshole, thank you, it’s the squirts from below
You can crap here, after where you just dined
Restroom stall’s the scene of the crime
The runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton
The runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton
You can make your ass sing and your butt cheeks rejoice
You can fart around make some noise
The runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton
The runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton
You can wipe your ass clean, it’s a really good deal
You can shit right after your meal
Thank you, Hershey squirting’s like pee
Asshole, thank you, chocolate be what it be
Asshole, thank you, you can dump by all means
Butt your colon is your best friend
No man, wants to shit on himself
Asshole, thank you, it’s time to ASSert yourself
Burger King there, at the T.Y. okay
I'm sure you can have it your way
The runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton
The runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton
You can make your ass sing and your butt cheeks rejoice
You can fart around make some noise
The runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton
The runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton
You can wipe your ass clean, it’s a really good deal
You can shit right after your meal
Thank you, I once made number two
Asshole it was, time to shit out some food
I saw hotel, and it wasn’t a dive
I felt the whole lobby was just right
That's when, someone beside me peed
Asshole, thank you, keep your dick far from me
There's a place there, called the T.Y. Hil-Ton
You can also go number one
The runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton
The runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton
You can make your ass sing and your butt cheeks rejoice
You can fart around make some noise
T.Y. Hil-Ton, the runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton
Thank you, thank you, when it’s time to go down
Thank you, thank you, drop your pants to the ground
T.Y. Hil-Ton, the runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton
Thank you, thank you, Hershey squirting’s like pee
Thank you, thank you, chocolate be what it be
T.Y. Hil-ton, you'll find it at the T.Y. Hil-ton
No man, thank you, wants to shit on himself
Thank you, thank you, time to ASSert yourself
T.Y. Hil-Ton, and just shit at the T.Y. Hil-Ton
Thank you, thank you, I once made number two
Thank you, thank you, time to shit out some food, T.Y. Hil-Ton
Dedicated to Le Biz. She never favored Paris Hilton. However, she did resemble her BFF Nicole Richie.
Meta tags: T.Y. Hilton, NFL, Indianapolis Colts, defecation, incest, Holiday Inn, hotel lobby restrooms, diarrhea, flatulence, Hershey’s chocolate, squirting, The Village People, Y.M.C.A.
Y.M.C.A.
The Village People
Young man, there's no need to feel down
I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground
I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town
There's no need to be unhappy
Young man, there's a place you can go
I said, young man, when you're short on your dough
You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time
It's fun to stay at the YMCA
It's fun to stay at the YMCA
They have everything for you men to enjoy
You can hang out with all the boys
It's fun to stay at the YMCA
It's fun to stay at the YMCA
You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal
You can do what ever you feel
Young man, are you listening to me?
I said, young man, what do you want to be?
I said, young man, you can make real your dreams
But you got to know this one thing
No man does it all by himself
I said, young man, put your pride on the shelf
And just go there, to the YMCA
I'm sure they can help you today
It's fun to stay at the YMCA
It's fun to stay at the YMCA
They have everything for you men to enjoy
You can hang out with all the boys
It's fun to stay at the YMCA
It's fun to stay at the YMCA
You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal
You can do what ever you feel
Young man, I was once in your shoes
I said, I was down and out with the blues
I felt no man cared if I were alive
I felt the whole world was so tight
That's when someone came up to me
And said, young man, take a walk up the street
There's a place there called the YMCA
They can start you back on your way
It's fun to stay at the YMCA
It's fun to stay at the YMCA
They have everything for you men to enjoy
You can hang out with all the boys
YMCA, it's fun to stay at the YMCA
Young man, young man, there's no need to feel down
Young man, young man, pick yourself off the ground
YMCA, it's fun to stay at the YMCA
Young man, young man, are you listening to me
Young man, young man, what do you wanna be?
YMCA, you'll find it at the YMCA
No man, young man, does it all by himself
Young man, young man, put your pride on the shelf
YMCA, and just go to the YMCA
Young man, young man I was once in your shoes
Young man, young man I was down with the blues, YMCA
Epilogue:
* since the last book
Concerts
Knotfest Roadshow, 8-23-19, Keybank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA
GWAR, 9-13-19, Mr. Small’s Theatre, Pittsburgh, PA
Phil Collins, 10-2-19, PPG Paints Arena, Pittsburgh, PA
Dark Star Orchestra, 10-12-19, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA
Bob Seger, 10-17-19, PPG Paints Arena, Pittsburgh, PA
Tool, 11-8-19, PPG Paints Arena, Pittsburgh, PA
Phish, 12-4-19, Peterson Events Center, Pittsburgh, PA
Ratt, 12-17-19, Jergel’s, Warrendale, PA
Melvin Seals, 3-11-20, Jergel’s, Warrendale, PA
Pittsburgh Steelers vs.
Seattle Seahawks, 9-15-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Cincinnati Bengals, 9-30-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Baltimore Ravens, 10-6-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Miami Dolphins, 10-29-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Indianapolis Colts, 11-3-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Los Angeles Rams, 11-10-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Cleveland Browns, 12-1-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Buffalo Bills, 12-15-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Pitt Panthers vs.
Virginia Cavaliers, 8-31-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Central Florida, 9-21-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Delaware Fightin’ Blue Hens, 9-28-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Miami, 10-26-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Boston College, 11-30-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Pittsburgh Pirates vs.
Seattle Mariners, 9-17-19, PNC Park, Pittsburgh, PA
Pittsburgh Riverhounds vs.
Birmingham Legion, 10-26-19, Highmark Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA
Charleston Battery, 9-14-19, Highmark Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA
I won’t go down the road/field of sporting events, but here’s a comprehensive list of concerts I was planning to attend. They were either postponed or canceled due to the Covid pandemic. Obviously, it’s a rather extensive list. But the summer of 2020 was unusually loaded. Keep in mind, we almost never pay for tickets (with about an 85% success rate). So there’s always the possibility that we’d head to the venue, have a few drinks, fail to score freebies, and opt to bail. Regardless, considering the “indescribable joy” that some of these individuals and bands have bestowed upon humanity, I figured they each deserved a minimal explanation as to the likelihood for my absence. Hey, it’s the least I can do.
1= doubtful
2 = maybe (more of a game time decision)
3 = probable
4 = extremely likely
5 = definite
Bob Weir, 3-20-20, Roxian Theatre, McKees Rocks, PA (5)
Nearly 30 years ago, Schneid Dog was relieving himself near a tented backstage area behind the I.C. Light Amphitheatre at Station Square. Bob Weir’s foot rounded the corner and was rewarded with a “light spattering.” You're in my urine, I'm pissing on you now.
Christopher Cross, 4-15-20, Carnegie Library Music Hall, Munhall, PA (4)
When you get caught between the moon and Northern Sewickley…. When you get caught between the Mun and Allegheny…
Girl Talk, 5-1-20, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA (1)
Quite the mixologist. Battle rapper? No. Mash-up Crapper? Maybe.
Testament, 5-13-20, Roxian Theatre, McKees Rocks (4)
Before the internet even existed, Online Bandit deliberately pissed over the edge of a McDonald’s urinal in C-Burg after a Penn Hills City Limits show. July 15, 1988. I violently objected! But he calmly testified... "it's called going over the wall." As we were exiting, an employee walked in and gasped two words. "Ohh no."
Foo Fighters, 5-18-20, Rocket Mortgage Field House, Cleveland, OH (2)
I once presided over a facebook group known as the FoozeFighters. Not to be confused with the BoozeFighters motorcycle gang. Just so you know, as far as foosball tables go, there’s only one viable option. Tornado Cyclone II.
Kenny Chesney, 5-30-20, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA (3)
Never been to Mexico City. However, Modelo is my preferred choice of beer from Mexico. "Less filling, tastes like ass" - Tony Soprano.
Trey Anastasio, 6-5-20, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA (4)
There’s a habitual hippie argument that’s always bothered me: Phish or the Dead? It’s a painful reminder of the hillbilly/townie argument over which is better: Ford or Chevy. Click and clack. Crick or creek. Nobody really gives a fuck.
Avett Brothers, 6-7-20, Peterson Events Center, Pittsburgh, PA (1)
Our friends hit up back to back shows at Red Rocks in 2019. We made the superior choice and lit up Dead & Company at Folsom Field, University of Colorado. Got our Mork and Mindy on. Gettin' all orked up.
Ozzy Osbourne/Marilyn Manson, 6-11-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (5)
Ozzy’s 2020 release features the incredibly emotional video “Ordinary Man.” Great ballad. Regrettably, the other 10 songs are absolutely atrocious. Total filler.
There’s one hometown concert I’ll always regret missing. Marilyn Manson, February 15, 1997. Various churches sponsored a candlelight vigil in front of the Wheeling Civic Center. I have absolutely no idea why, but for some reason, I sold my ticket to a preacher who didn’t want me to enter the arena and “succumb to the demonic influences.” What was I thinking? My capitulation may have been the result of a heightened level of gastrointestinal distress. Would have made for a good Humira commercial.
Ratt/Cinderella, 6-16-20, Wild Things Park, Washington, PA (5)
Where the wild things are! Lil’ Wash Pa! From a crowd watching perspective, nuthin’ beats late 80’s pop metal fans in the year 2020.
Joe Russo’s Almost Dead, 6-18-20, Jacob’s Pavilion, Cleveland, OH (4)
Never seen ‘em before. Was planning to zip up solo. Maybe hook up with Latex Quacker and Younghoe Koo Chee Man.
Rolling Stones, 6-23-20, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA (5)
The whole Covid pandemic really makes me wonder. Will I ever see the Rolling Stones live in concert again? If any of the major acts have a “cut-off point,” it’s gotta be them.
Alice Cooper/Tesla, 6-26-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (5)
"Yo Flo - tell Mel to whip me up a toasted bagel and cream cheese.
(to Silent Bob) You want one too? (Silent Bob nods)
Make that two. And kiss my grits. Nooch.
(to Holden) D’jever watch 'Alice'? That show's good as hell."
More rock bands should echo car brands. Deadly bacteria as well. Hint: Bacillus anthracis.
Primus, 6-28-20, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA (5)
I was seriously looking forward to Les Claypool’s interpretation of Rush’s “A Farewell to Kings.” Downright Geddy, er uh, giddy. Alas, it wasn’t meant to Lee, er uh, be.
Megadeth, 6-28-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (0)
Who the fuck schedules a Star Lake Big Four heavy metal concert on the same day as Primus? Sucked.
Nickleback/Stone Temple Pilots, 6-30-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (3)
If there ever was a show to skip out early… Just for the record, here’s what a big rockstar really looks like. Coma!
Dave Matthews Band, 7-3-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (4)
In the summer of 2017, a week before the race riots on the University of Virginia campus, we visited two wineries outside Charlottesville. The Dave Mathews Winery and the Trump Whinery. Peculiar how they peacefully coexisted in such close proximity.
European Championship Semi-final, 7-7-20, Wembley Stadium, London, England (5)
European Championship Semi-final, 7-8-20, Wembley Stadium, London, England (5)
Passports renewed. Flights booked. Bed & breakfast reservations. Check. Check. Check. Everything except for the tickets. We’re probably the only couple on the planet earth willing to fly across the world’s second biggest ocean sans tickets.
Pearl Jam, 7-10-20, Hyde Park, London, England (5)
Easily one of my top 10 bands. Naturally, we snuck into the sold-out Wells Fargo Center for the infamous Ten show in 2016. Truth be told, I preferred the previous night’s concert.
Democratic National Convention, 7-13-20 > 7-16-20, Milwaukee, WI (5)
Milwaukee! An excellent location to educate lawmakers about the wireless equivalent of shouting “fire” in a crowded theater. Hint: Everyone has a cell phone.
Jimmy Buffett, 7-16-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (3)
Wastin’ away again in marijuanaville. Gotta be honest here. I’m kinda burnt out on the Buffett buffet of boat beverages and beach balls.
Chicago, 7-25-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (1)
The older I get, the more I appreciate Chicago. The band, not the city. Exorbitant parking fees suck.
Dead & Company, 7-27-20, Blossom Music Center, Cleveland, OH (5)
The state of my first Dead show. Albeit Cincy. Oh what a night, early April back in eighty nine.
Hall & Oates, 7-28-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (3)
Long ago, a female writer with the Wheeling Intelligencer penned an inspiring blog about her love for Hall and Oats. When I corrected her on the spelling of the latter, she quickly changed it to “Oates” and deleted my comment. Ten years later, I’m calling on Bob Nutting, the hillbilly billionaire, to launch an official investigation.
Dead & Company, 7-29-20, Hersheypark Stadium, Hershey, PA (5)
Never been to this venue. However, I could easily envision the chaos of what might have been. August 11, 2020. Motley Crue and Def Leppard were at the stadium. Phish was set to play indoors at the neighboring Giant Center. Roll the videotape. You know… when parking lots collide, tailgaters collide. Different strokes for different folks.
Rage Against The Machine, 7-31-20, PPG Paints Arena, Pittsburgh, PA (5)
Gordonathon paid almost $1,000 for 2 tickets. Ouch! I thought RATM was supposed to be all anti-hyper-capitalism n’shit. I thought wrong.
Black Crowes, 8-1-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (5)
The birthday show that never was. Same as Jerry Garcia (1942). I learned of his death while driving in Oglebay Park listening to WDVE 102.5. The exact moment the dee jay spilled the news, a deer ran across the road and jumped onto the hood of my car. It fell to the asphalt, scrambled back to its feet, and hurriedly limped away. Damage to my 1988 Nissan Maxima was surprisingly minimal.
Foreigner, 8-2-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (1)
Urgent! Emergency! If you pay for a limo to go see Foreigner, you are indeed, a juke box weirdo. His name… was Douchebag Dlesk.
Santana, 8-5-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown (1)
Oh yeah, the black magic mother fucker. Frankly I think the whole Carlos Santana routine is exhaustively stale. My contempt for him even extends to Santana Moss (former Redskins receiver) and the legendary pro wrestler Tito Santana. Hopefully that didn't come across as racist.
Doobie Brothers, 8-6-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (1)
There’s an infinite number of things to say when you’re panhandling for free Doobie Brothers tickets. “Need one doobie! Lookin’ for a free doobie! Anybody got my miracle doobie? Yo bro, extra doobie?”
or
Steelers vs. Cowboys, Hall of Fame Game, 8-6-20, Tom Benson Hall of Fame Stadium, Canton, OH (3)
Canton! A great place to divulge common sense, public safety information regarding stadium safety. Hint: Everyone has a cell phone.
Weezer/Green Day/Fall Out Boy, 8-15-20, PNC Park, Pittsburgh, PA (5)
Weezer - On May 29, 2011, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl should have given the key to the city to Three Rivers Cuomo.
Green Day - Megan Pineapple! Doling out the awards. Not the best voice. Not the best stage dive. Spirited effort nonetheless.
Fall Out Boy - I utterly abhor the entire Emo genre. #MindingEmo
Motley Crue, Def Leppard, Poison, Joan Jett & The Blackhearts, 8-16-20, PNC Park, Pittsburgh, PA (5)
Motley Crud - Easily the best misheard lyrics on the net. Dicksmart My Fart.
Deaf Retard - I’m taking a principled stand against Def Lep Mom Jeans in the year 2020. Join me.
Poison - Kinda surprised their song “Look What the Cat Dragged in” never achieved a greater level of popularity.
Joan Jett & the Blackhearts - Obligatory shout-out to my little drummer boy, Wheeling’s very own Paul Harkins. Seriously though, Joan Jett should consider performing my fantasy football parody of Love Hurts. Zach Ertz!
Night Ranger/Whitesnake, 8-19-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (3.5)
Night Ranger - February 16, 1986. Wheeling Civic Center. The first concert where I held a girl on my shoulders. Made me wish I was a chick.
Whitesnake - Mark Madden has more nicknames than yours truly. Super Genius, Double M, Big Sexy… this night would have made for a decent stalking opportunity.
Republican National Convention, 8-24-20 > 8-27-20, Charlotte, NC (5)
Charlotte! A hot spot to inform GOP politicians about a hypothetical, asymmetric cyber-attack. Hint: Everyone has a cell phone.
Kiss, 8-28-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (5)
One of the best openers in the history of rock’n’roll is Detroit Rock City. In Detroit no less. Followed by some of the worst commentary in the history of rock’n’roll. “Man I tell you something, you got a lot to be proud of. This place looks like a damn zoo. Let me hear all the animals!"
Brooks & Dunn, 8-29-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (4)
Pop country music usually leaves me feeling agitated and mentally constipated. Except for this opener and quality segue.
Korn, 9-5-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (5)
Saw them at Star Lake during the peak of the Ebola scare. J.D. should have started the show with a repetitive crowd chant of… “Ebola, Korn Goodness.”
Korn, 9-13-20, Blossom Music Center, Cuyahoga Falls, OH (2)
If
Donald Trump ever attended a Korn concert, I’d have few qualms with
labeling him The Great Kornholio. You gotta protect that orange mop.
Judas Priest, 9-24-20, Covelli Centre, Youngstown, OH (5)
Back in the day, I am among the many fans who never knew that Rob Halford was gay. Of course, at the time, I was a teenager and there was no internet. Nowadays, there’s not much left to the imagination.
No comments:
Post a Comment