OCTUPLET WOMAN

Top 14 Observations about Octuplet Woman aka Nadya Suleman. Top 6 have special Wheeling overtones.

14. Former Charles in Charge TV star will babysit. Not Chachi Arcola, his bff Willie Ames. Prior experience on Eight is Enough gives him sufficient credibility.

13. That pic of her 9 months pregnant is bigger than Obama's stimulus package.

12. Someday, have all the kids simultaneously run for Congress. People would say, "Oh yeah... that's Octuplet womans' kids. She's got my vote. Gotta support the team."

11. Probably would be ridiculed in China.

10. Food stamps could run out. Might want to consider "high-end protein gruel" from Simpson's Camp Krusty episode.

9. Father should do a week long Maury Povich paternity test for all 14 kids. One by one by one by one by blah by yo by yo by bye

8. Special NANNY 911! episodes featuring Rush Limbaugh, Hannity, and other top-secret nannies. Ann Coulter heads up sweeps week.

7. Make Bristol Palin breast feed all the babies as punishment for her mother losing the presidential race. I know... this one is weak.

and now... onto Nadya Wheeling The Suleman Feeling ...

6. Get Joe the Plumber to be their fucking plumber and have them all relocate to Flushing, Ohio. This one is NOT weak.

5. She could hang at the Elm Grove DiCarlos. "Uhhh, that's for 6 trays with 17 bags of cheese?"

4. The father (who's tactically absent) should avoid handing out illegal Cuban cigars. Maybe consider the less expensive Wheeling Marsh Stogies?

3. Stick with me here... You go the absolute polygamy route. All the female children marry one man. All the male children are married to one woman. They'll come together for ONE SPECIAL NIGHT in Wheeling! An ALL-NEW... WHEELING WIFE SWAP (after hours in Benwood)!

2. Incorporate entire family into Oglebay Festival of Lights display. Parenting is NOT seasonal, damn-it!

1. Strength in numbers! Her family could provide "recession relief" to sagging attendance figures at Wesbanco Arena.