Tuesday, May 05, 2009

American Idol

Greetings! My name is John Taylor or something relatively generic. For those of you who don't know me, I'm the lead singer of Foghat. We wrote a crappy song called Slow Ride in the late 1970's. It helped catapult us to stardom. We opened for Aerosmith back in the day and now we play on the non-Vegas casino circuit. Sometimes we rock the fuck out of an abandoned roller skating rink. This summer, we have multiple gigs at several semi-defunct midwest chili cook-offs. Omaha, here we come! Sioux City, Iowa - you bitches are next! I'm not even going to say what's goin' down in Tulsa.
In any event, we're all here jammin at the Red Roof Inn and some groupie turned on American Idol. What the fuck! Ahhh, this is totally bitchin! They're playin' our monster hit "Slow Ride!" Suh-weeeet!
Wait a minute. It's some virgin teenage girl and an emo-what-the-fuck-effeminate-outlandish-gay-quasi-heartthrob-lame-douchebag-singing sensation. It's some kind of man-boy love child. These two are singing our song! What the fuck is going on? OK, it just ended. The judges are weighing in...

Paula says, "You guys totally ROCK! Yinz are the greatest rock stars ever!"
Black dude weighs in, "Yeahhh, Dog! You two are the shizzist of the nit! It was doper than dope!"
finally the Simon guy says, "Way to go. You two have sizzled in a fashion more explosive than contemporary bacon!"

Alright, do you really need me to explain how pathetic this show is? When you start to really think about it, it's a bad joke with unabashed, runaway momentum.
This whole American Idol bullshit is not good. When I grew up, you got to see rock bands and musicians. You identified with them. They became a part of you. Now all we get are these sugar-coated "phenoms." They're so inspiring. I can't wait to talk about Sparkle Timmons tomorrow with the gals at the water cooler. She was Sooo ON last night! How about the token Hindu nerdman in a polo shirt? Or what about pony-tailed blondee? She's my fav! That fat-ass waitress from Detroit is so sassy. LOL!

Joe the Plumber - you missed your true calling. At least you would have been taken seriously by 40% of the population. Instead, you got 20%. Still... not bad for a dumbshit from northern Toledo.


Lemmy Caution said...

Shows like AI are exactly why I don't have Cable or Satellite.

Gary said...

Foghat is playing Hartwood Acres this summer.

Gary said...

I was wrong. Foghat is playing a free show at South Park this summer.