During the course of the summer of 2009, I have devised a plot so diabolical and potentially devastating, the implications so vast and far reaching, it will be felt by all who take the Oglebay exit as they venture onto the main drag of National Road. It is my stated intention to slowly increase the level of hostility between all the businesses. Minit Car Wash, Long John Silvers, TJ's Pukegarden and the 19th Ho will be permanently impacted. Bob Evans might even get drawn into the fray. It's my goal to make this entire area resemble the Middle East. This will be achieved through "gradual sign (marquee) manipulation." I assure my readers (if there are any), it will be done honorably. I will not be purchasing additional lettering for the signs, nor would I ever contemplate snagging any letters for future use. Brace yourself. The future of the whatever block of National Road will be an uncertain one. Here's is a list of businesses and what I envision each one mirroring.
TJ's - Iraq (turmoil, despair, and wardrobe malfunctioning since they all have the lame referee outfits - eerily similar to wearing a burka in 120 degree weather)
CVS - Dubai (a beacon of prosperity)
Long John Silvers - Syria (a beacon of squalor)
Bob Evans - (I'm thinking Turkey, since they have those knife and fork sandwiches, plus they appear secular and a little detached since they're across the street)
19th Ho - Israel (the powerhouse, home to the chosen ones)
Minit Car Wash - Iran (the dangerous wildcard)
Tim Whoretons - There are no brothels in the Middle East. Prostitution is frowned upon so we'll give it to Saudi Arabia since they are are the biggest whores on the block. Plus they have the valued corner spot which epitomizes them being awash with oil. I was going to turn Long John Silver's into Saudi Arabia because of the oil factor, but after further contemplation, I think they use some kind of flavorful lard.
I think you get the picture. But why? Why would anyone want to stir up this hornets nest on National Road? Because it's my obligation. The right wing nutjobs of Ohio County are still in love with ex-President George Bush. They still continue to fully embrace him at every opportunity yet never comprehend the consequences of his actions, or his inactions. This will be an attempt, albeit a crude one, to explain the neo-con agenda in simple terms they can better understand. Sometimes you have to spell these things out for the churchgoing, torture loving, uterus interfering, gun-toting, gay bashing, Cheney sucking fucks. Amen.
On an unrelated note, Go Pens.