Friday, February 19, 2010

more Maury more Maury more

Yep. Wasn't it one of the East coast rappers that said "Mo money mo money mo?" Honestly, I don't know which thug to assign credit. Regardless, if you follow this blog, I've spoken of something I call the "Maury Povich progression." It's a tool used to determine the results of paternity tests before the actual results are read.
I've decided to expand the "MoPo progression" axiom into the realm of lie detector tests. I've been forced to do this because I have caught Maury Povich in a bold-faced lie. And he lies quite a bit. Allow me to explain.

Maury will often follow up a paternity test with a lie detector test directed at the woman. When the Maury team does both areas of investigative work, he will reach for the sacred manila envelope as the crowd shrieks with delight. At this point, he'll invariably preach, "Well, let's do the paternity results FIRST because the ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT IS THAT CHILD." This is a blatant lie. His staff will vary which test results are revealed first based on the situation in order to maximize crowd involvement.

Consider this. Let's say there's a woman named LaSquisha who just had a baby girl named Levonica. She's accusing a guy aptly named Levon, a man she met and fell in love with over the course of one night. As is often the case, they fell in love at the bar. But Levon is adamant that he is not the father. Regardless, they stayed together until baby Levonica was born. Turns out Levonica looks racially mixed. Levon and Squisha are both very black. Well, Levon wants a lie detector test because it's rumored that she slept with all her co-workers at the Taco Bell. She denies having slept with anyone else and is 10 million percent sure that Levon is the daddy.

Judging from the picture of baby Levonica, it's obvious that Levon is NOT the father. The kid's a borderline version of a dark ginger. Well, when Maury reaches for the envelope - it's going to be the lie detector results FIRST. We can make this conclusion because we all know the seed planted was not that of Levon. If Maury were to read the paternity results FIRST, LaSquisha would bolt off the stage and we wouldn't even need to hear the lie detector results because we've already ascertained that she slept with someone else (in this case, it may have been the sour cream dollop dispenser dude).

So when Maury proclaims, "Let's do the paternity test results FIRST because the ONLY thing I'm concerned about is the welfare of the child" - Well, here's the proof that he's completely full of shit. He reads the test results of whichever one makes better dynamic sense. And that's incontrovertible, logistical proof that Maury Povich is a lying sack of shit.

1 comment:

Mason said...

Chi- chi- chi-chicken TETRAZZINI!!!!
I can't (BEEP)believe I (BEEP)understand all of this(BEEP)!!!