Yesterday, I watched the second half of the Steelers/Bills game at the 19th HO. Midway through overtime, Bills receiver Stevie Johnson dropped a perfectly thrown 50 yard pass in the end zone. After the game, he tweeted the following...
I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO...
Now seriously, what the fuck is this? What the fuck does this even mean? It never ceases to amaze me how the human race is so incredibly self absorbed. Honestly, it defies description. I suppose it's an easy cop-out. After all, in this day of heightened religious sensitivity, if you blame a god for a trivial shortcoming, who's going to have the temerity to challenge that assessment. It would be akin to questioning someone's core beliefs. How dare you?
Of course, that's the beauty of steadfast devotion to a higher power. You can NEVER be adequately called upon to explain yourself. It's always about "faith." No wonder every politician claims a belief in the supernatural. You'll always be on relatively safe ground with the majority.
I have seen so many athletes praise and extol their lord for insignificant human victories. Over time, it really numbs your senses almost to the point of a casual indifference. Of course, they're not the only ones. Movie stars and musicians love invoking Jesus Christ when presented with an Emmy, Grammy or Teen Choice Award. Good for them. Over the years, I've grown accustomed to egomaniac athletes praising deities. This whole "god wants our team" to win mentality gets pretty annoying. On a global scale, I think it probably peaked in the 2006 World Cup when Iran kicked the USA's collective ass. For me personally, I lost it during the 1999 Rams/Titans Superbowl when Kurt Warner and the Rams owner (I think her name was Georgia Hess), thanked Jesus repeatedly after their team held on for the last second victory. She was literally screaming her brains out, "Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus!" Shouldn't they have made at least a cursory mention of the linebacker who made the last second tackle at the one yard line? What about the team bus driver that safely transported them to the venue? I wouldn't hastily dispute their contributions. Hell, I'd sooner pay homage to the janitor who scrubbed the stadium toilets.
I realize that I'll never be on the winning side of this argument. It's just too easy for feeble minded humans to embrace such simplistic notions of success and failure as it relates to the age old notions of good vs. evil.
But here's what I'd like to see more of... I'd like to see the losers PLACE MORE BLAME on their respective god. Now that would be long overdue. In my ideal world, where BALANCE is key, I would welcome this new found appropriation for defeat. Hell, tonight's mouthwatering Monday Night football match up is the Arizona Cardinals against the San Fransisco 49ers. Sucked. But the 49ers coach Mike Singletary is truly a man of god. He wears that mammoth cross on the outside of his sweatshirt. He must have some overriding need to demonstrate his Christian faith. I guess it's a "subliminal" message that he's on the side of virtue and truth. I'd love to see his team lose tonight. What if he had a total mental breakdown and pulled off a tearful Jerry Fallwell routine... "Oh, dear god, why hast though forsaken me? Why do I deserveth your wrath? Why must you inflict your misery upon thyself and punish the sodomizers of San Francisco?" I love the idea of Singletary blaming a football loss on the city's historic "embrace of the homos." Obviously, there must be a correlation. Has a nice Westboro Baptist Church feel to it, doesn't it?
Seriously though, the time has arrived to assign a greater amount of religious blame for the trivial transgressions of mankind...
Clogged toilet? Blame Jesus.
Erectile dysfunction? Blame Jesus.
Speeding ticket or DUI? Blame Jesus.
We need to establish a more balanced system of protocol for churchies everywhere. I consider this a moral imperative for societal enlightenment. Fuck it, they've already established the playbook and written the rules. I'm just trying to follow them. I call upon you, the reader of this eternally damned blog, to embrace this urgent call for balance. Sucky blog entry? Blame Jesus. On second thought, you know what? Fuck that! Blame Saf.