Tuesday, January 04, 2011

$330 Mega-Millions jackpot

If there's one thing I have contempt for, it's these national lotteries. Yes, I understand the premise. Some mentally deficient human will always come up to me and utter that magical phrase, "Saf, if you don't play, you can't win!"

Well, this may surprise you but I have participated in this imbecilic charade. In my entire life, I've purchased a grand total of 3 tickets. Not exactly sure why I felt compelled. I know each time it was over $250 million. I'm hardly a statistician, but I would presume that the higher the jackpot, the more likely is the possibility of multiple winners (or I prefer, wieners). I checked out their website and historically I appear to be on solid ground. So the higher it gets, the less you'll probably win.

Oddly enough, there are 7 unrelated states that don't offer the Megamillions Crackpot. Utah (for obvious Mormonic/religilous reasons), Nevada (probably don't want to discourage participation in the real gambling industry), and then 4 states down south (MS, AL, FL and LA). There's one other state out west - I think it's Nebraska. Nonetheless, all the other states have obediently fallen in line.

I remember when that idiot businessman (and millionaire) Jack Whitaker from central WV won over a hundred million a decade ago. Shortly thereafter, he had a quarter million stolen from his car while it was parked outside a strip bar. Then his granddaughter overdosed and he got either one or two DUI's. I'd like to say my heart went out to him, but it did not even slightly veer in his direction. I thought 3 things about him were of interest.

1) He allegedly promised to donate 10% of his winnings to build some new churches. Hey, just what's needed in the middle of West Virginia - MORE CHURCHES.

2) He explained his complex rationale for buying exactly 100 tickets. You see - every time the jackpot gets above 100 million, he would buy 100 tickets to improve his chances. What's truly humorous is that surely thousands of other lottery junkies have subscribed to this brilliant mathematical theory.

3) The guy was already a financial success. He owned some kind of contracting company with plenty of employees. How ironic that his new found financial windfall would destroy his previously existing business and decimate all those whom he employed.

I'm guess I'm just sickened by the way these government sponsored lotteries prey on the naive and mostly poor. Seriously, the vast majority of people who blow money on these tickets have no business participating. Fortunately, the U.S. government is here to explain which types of gambling are okay -

Church bingo - check. That money goes for a good cause (solidifying the comfort of pedophile priests).
Gambling on sports - nope. Only if you are physically present in the state of Nevada. But if you set up an internet account in Zanesville, Ohio and then the server is in Costa Rica... Well yes, then it's fine.
How about table games like blackjack and poker? We'll let the individual states figure that one out, piece by piece (Tom Araya - Slayer).

Back in the 90's when these multi-state lotteries took off, I vaguely recall one particular drawing. Not sure what the jackpot total was, but I remember all these yinzers from Pennsylvania crossing the border into West Virginia to buy their reams of tickets. The local news covered this spectacle. There was a 2 hour line outside the Dallas Pike Truck Stop. All the trained minions dutifully, patiently stood in line. Ohhh, imagine the shit I could buy with a hundred million dollars. I could get a pick up truck elevated 10 feet off the ground. Each tire would be larger than a pinball machine. For vacation this year, we're going to Myrtle Beach AND Ocean City.

So why the huge line in Dallas Pike? Well, because it was the closest site in WV. Never mind you could drive another 4 minutes and buy tickets from any of the other dozen empty retail outlets. They needed to be where the action is. Sounds like that's in keeping with the lottery mentality.

The other thing I like about the lottery is that roughly half of all jackpot winners end up declaring bankruptcy. How fitting. And it has very little to do with the size of the jackpot. Just goes to prove that you can win 1 million, 10 million or 100 million and still end up going broke. Why? Because the lottery does not teach responsibility. In fact, the entire premise of the lottery is that it feeds off irresponsibility and the never ending quest for unabashed materialism.

I also like how everyone opts for the lump sum. I need it all - in the form of one "show me the money" orgasmic cum shot. But Billy Bob, out of the 120 million, after taxes you're going to sacrifice your claim on 40 million dollars. But hey, he needs to construct mega-mansions for all his immediate family. Even his 2 sons that failed the paternity tests. Billy Bob, you are NOT the father of the twins DeShawn and Trayshawn. Oh my god! How could that be?

I remember back in 2001, a journalist interviewed an Afghani villager and asked him what he would do with the 25 million dollar reward for information leading to the capture of Osama Bin Laden. He gasped, "25 million dollars??? You could buy 100 cows!!!" Nonetheless, I think this Talibani farmer may have had a better grasp on reality than most Americans who participate in the MegaMillions.

It's just something about how the citizens of our country respond and react to various stimuli. We're often thrown a variety of bones and the vast majority of American idiots salivate like Pavlovian dogs. It could be anything from Lady Gaga tickets to a lock of Justin Bieber's newly grown pubic hair. Perhaps an autographed dildo that was used to sodomize Paris Hilton or maybe Michael Vick's favorite set of jumper cables he used to kill his fleet of pit bulls. As long as it's something to break the monotony.

So in keeping with the theories and axioms of anti-Saf, I'll purchase one lottery ticket tonight. Probably from the Alpha. Wish me luck. If I win, I'll read this blog entry at the press conference before the entire country. Then, I'll go off on some twisted, taunting rant about how an atheist Jew won the big one. All you born-again churchies can collectively suck it! Wish me luck.


Anonymous said...

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Maybe you can buy the golf cart of your dreams!