Once, twice, three times a Gaga

G Mo invented a shot on the dome hockey table which has never been successful. A rare distinction. Actually, it has been done several times. But the "essence" of the shot has never been panned out. You're supposed to sing the phrase, "Once... Twice.... Three Times A Lady" Lionel Richie style AS you make the shot. It's virtually impossible as you would have to anticipate the first 2 blocked shots. And the puck would have to bounce directly back to the center each time. To have that type of heightened understanding of your opponent's capabilities, marked by your own failure is just too much. The advance knowledge of how specific dome shots play out is often difficult to envision. Well... unless I'm launching lasers and Bethlehem Temples with reckless abandon and tenacious resolve.

I surprised myself last night. Even someone as stoic as me is capable of experiencing the emotion of "surprise." I need to work on the spontaneity factor a little more. It seems the older I get, the less tolerance of I have for random acts of nonsense. So you're probably thinking, "Gee whiz, what happened to Saf last night?" I know that's what I'm thinking.

And the tendency to refer to oneself in the third person is NOT a recent trend! Although I've decided to jump on board in mid-2011, it goes way back. The two most important examples are Maury Povich (of course) and the great George Costanza (George likes his chicken spicy - maybe 1996?). Maury is far more indulgent with the obvious - "Call 1-800-MAURY" or "Log on! The new Maury website! It's Maur than you could ever imagine." Obviously it's not even close call. Can't Stand Ya wins in a landslide (comparable to Reagan over Carter - 1980).

There is this one person who refers to herself in the third person. It's Lady Gaga. Personally, I'm not a big fan. But I found myself mesmerized by the showmanship and choreography exhibited during her Madison Square Garden HBO special. It was hard to turn away. As far as the music goes, she basically just has an aggressive, updated Madonnna vibe. Good niche. But here's her real niche - even if you get ridiculed and feel depressed, just be yourself. Let's see, this applies to about everyone on the planet. She created an entirely new audience. And she makes sure to drive the point home incessantly before, during and at the end of every song. It's a simple message - the Glendale summer vacation native will make you feel good about yourself. This woman is the Lexapro-Prozac-Paxil of the music industry. She's basically a well-disguised pharmaceutical industry with not much relevant competition. No wonder she's such a success.

From a marketing standpoint, this is pure genius. Ka-Ching. And from what I've seen, her ticket prices are through the roof. Plus, she thrives off all the merchandising with the very susceptible gay male populous. Bingo. And the mainstream female population who are never content. Don't forget about them with the never-ending thirst for positive reinforcement. That's a lot more cash extraction potential than relying on cold veggie burrito sales from destitute hippies.

I always thought Lady Gaga had a "darker" personality. Kind of like a female Marilyn Manson. Not even close. I guess I got the wrong impression because of the red meat outfit and occasional smearing of blood on her arms and torso. She knows way better - stick with a modern day "Up With People" vibe. But most importantly, take it straight to the cash register.

All in all, she puts on one hell of a show. I'll give her the "e" for effort award. Would I ever go to one of her concerts? Doubtful. Would I go up and scalp? Yep. The thought of usurping money from her the Gaga machine would definitely buoy my spirits. And though I don't take pride in ripping anyone off, there is this weird satisfaction in exposing those who are inherently gullible. These people are always the followers, never the leaders. And they're very easy to quantify.

Kiddie shows, like Backstreet Boys, Jonas Brothers, N Sync are the best. Then would come the trendy "gay" acts, like No Doubt, GaGa and that whole ilk. Next up would be the emo-bands which sicken me to the depths of my soul. Nauseating bands like All American Rejects and Bowling For Soup. And how about, the religious inspired rock bands like Creed and misc. American Idol dumbshits that go the gospel route. Rounding out the list are the dreaded pop-country performers. This is the correct pecking order for greater success in future concert scalping endeavors. I doubt anyone has ever compiled a list.

These days, most scalpers just wear a laminated seating chart around their neck as they hoist their "Need Tickets/Selling Tickets" sign. For them, it's just about the quick monetary turnaround. I had multiple encounters with this one guy at Starlake. He was a disheveled white guy in his late 40's. I actually referred to him as "dirty white boy." Despite seeing me all the time, he couldn't get it through his head that I had no interest in buying his tickets. A complete fool who really degraded the profession with all its subtle nuances. And he'd approach me with that dim-witted look and mutter the same exact question. "Hey, you need a ticket? Got lawn here." It's kind of depressing. When I go to a concert or sporting event, the vast majority of scalpers have absolutely zero interest in advanced "scalping theory." Maybe I could teach a class at the collegiate level. Scalping 401 & 402. Has a nice ring to it. I'm only saying... it would be nice to see others kick it up a notch. But it will never happen. I'm the one who must adapt. My expectations are simply too high. "Ohhh Saffy, when will you ever learn?"

Then again, I do recollect this one shining moment where my protege Amanda stepped it up. It was a Starlake show - I believe it was either the "Fake Fest II" concert in 2002 or the 2003 Poison show. The Burgettstown cops have this guy cuffed. Blood streaming down his face. Amanda asks the cop, "Hey, is he going to the concert?" The cop quickly replies, "Nope, he's going to jail." Amanda further inquires, "Can I have his ticket?" The cop, "Well, that would be up to him." The bloody guy chimes in, "Yeah you can have it but I can't get to it. It's in my back pocket. My hands are cuffed."

Amanda walks behind him and snags the ticket. There's an urban legend that she just said one word as she extracted the "golden ticket." I believe it was "Yoink." This bold move earns you an "A" grade in Scalping 402. It was just one of those defining moments where "student becomes teacher." *

* - This is the quote used by the reformed villain Sato in Karate Kid Part II. Near the end of the movie, when Danielson asks Sato if they can have the Bone Dance in its proper historic setting (the temple), Sato looks at Danielson and Mr. Mayagi, pauses briefly and proclaims, "Your student become my teacher."