Monday, July 11, 2011

jambo debate

 I'm debating whether or not to attend Jamboree in the Hills this year - aka the "Acrid Stench of Incest."  I might head out on Thursday for a little but am unusually indifferent.  I think the main idea is just to avoid Sunday (that's when the stench is particularly brutal).  Maybe I'll head out.  I do not know.  At this point, I do not care.

But I do have an intriguing idea.  I was considering posting a comment on facebook - preferably on Steve N's page.  It would read...

Eric Saferstein > Steve N

I can't believe that Wheeling Island Casino is accepting wagers on the "death count" at Jamboree in the Hills this year.  Apparently, they set the line at -1.5 bodies.  This is truly abhorrent.  You really need to look into this.

O-tay.  First the obvious admission.  There is no official "death count" although I do like the line of 1 1/2.  I think 1.5 is a pretty reasonable estimate.   Secondly, choosing Steve for this sick experiment is kind of brutal.  It's just that he has the broadest scope and seemingly largest base of local facebook friends.  Plus, he often likes to address controversial topics.  This would unfairly piss him off.

But of course this is complete nonsense.  Or is it?  Depending on how its phrased, I think a few people out there in internet land would fall for it.  Plus, I like the idea of condemning Jambo and the casino all in one post.  But here's the real crux of it.  Without fail, every year the WTOV9 broadcasters harp on and on about how flawlessly everything went at Jambo.  The cunt-tree performers were spectacular!  The production was immaculate!  The fans were rowdy but well-behaved!

Fuck all of this.  I think this thing's a compete disaster every year.  Why do they lie about it?  And why doesn't anyone ever challenge these falsehoods?  Here's the REAL tally of what transpired.

18 DUI's.
87 misdemeanor assault charges
17 felony assault charges
2 rapes
about a dozen unreported rapes
38 underage drinking citations
22 drug possession charges
20 indecent exposure charges (mostly urinating on hillsides, next to port-a-jons).

and there's a list of obstruction charges and tons of other shit that make the Wheeling Today section resemble a kindergarten picnic.  My point - things didn't go as smoothly as they claimed.  There's plenty of fall out from this drunken debauchery/festival of squalor.  Some peoples lives are completely devastated during the week long "escapade in excrement."  That's really what they should call it.

Regardless, I like the idea of a "death count" at Jambo.  I think 1.5 is a realistic estimate.  But I couldn't go through with the facebook posting experiment because that Rusty guy died last year.  I didn't know him that well but he seemed pleasant.  We'd usually do one of those brief acknowledgements (Hey, what's up? how's it going? etc.).  So I won't do it.  Although I do think it's a good idea because it broaches a wider discussion.  And that is the ugly truth of Jambo.  This shit is much more than drunken fun.  It often destroys lives.  Of course, that destruction could be deemed a good thing because it helps weed out the undesirables.   

More than just... Ohhh, we got so fucked up!  We had a blast.  Uncle Ray made a cooler out of a toilet on wheels.  It was so much fun.  This fat guy was offering free lap dances!  They kept on squirting Kayla in her boobies!  And Toby Keith rocked the house!  He got the audience singing during "I Love This Bar!"  He had them all yelling "I love this crowd" instead.  How clever.  Lest I forget, the endless sunburned displays of patriotism drenched in cheap beer.   

Like I'm saying, the above nonsense is just that.  Worthless blather.  However, plenty of horrific things do go down.  Think about it whenever the announcers say what a "great time everyone had."  Can't wait til next year.  We'll boot scoot boogie til the break of dawn.   As far as the death count this year... I'll take the OVER.  I'm guessing 2 fatalities.

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