This one guy at Jamboree

Has anyone encountered this guy at Jamboree?  He's some guy in his mid 20's wearing cut-off jeans drinking Budweiser cans.  He walks around trying to strike up a conversation with anyone who will give him the time of day.  I'll award him with the fictitious name of Tyler Austin.  Nothing beats a multiple redundant name based on cities in the great state of Texas.  I neglected to mention - his middle name is either Houston or Dallas.  Does it really matter? 

Anyway this guy needs to get something off his chest.  He's word about the "integrity" of Jamboree in the Hills.  He's tired of this new breed of pop country musicians.  Although only 24, he needs to convey his longing for all the old-timers.  You know, the good ol' days of country music.  When it was just a man and his guitar.  It was a time when a cowboy hat, meant something.  Just because you wear a cowboy hat doesn't mean you ever rode a bull.  "Where's Boxcar Willie?  Now that's real country music.  All this new breed of sugar-coated country performers is for high school girls and na't.  Damn-it! We need to put the "country" back in country music.  I'm tired of all the fancy videos and pretty boys! 

Tyler Austin, although he would never realize it, reminds me of 2 other types of subhumans from distinct backgrounds.  First and foremost, he reminds me of the born again dumbshit who's always clamoring that "we need to put the Christ back into Christmas!"  We've heard it all before.  There's hardly a shortage in them in the WV northern panhandle.  They yammer incessantly about the commercialization of their beloved holiday.  We need to get back to the bible and its teachings.  It's about so much more than the covering the living room floor with presents and singing songs about some florescent antelope.  I must now spontaneously recite the Pledge of Allegiance and sing God Bless America before I tune in the old Nascar race.

Tyler Austin also reminds me of this guy at a bachelor party.  He's relatively bright guy, kind of a socially awkward nerd.  Hardly offensive though.  But this guy has a niche.  A strategy, if you will.  He's going to hit on the girls at the strip club.  We'll call him Xavier.  And the conversation goes something like this.

Xavier is sitting at the bar.  One of the relatively attractive dancers approaches Xavier.  She acts shy at first but slowly steps up the pressure.  As she starts grinding on him, asking if he wants a private lap dance, Xavier beckons, "Ohhh, you're soooo beautiful.  You know, you don't have to do this!"  the stripper doesn't know what to make of this.  All she wants is a $20 bill for a lap dance.  But he carries on, "Don't you know how degrading this is?  You can do sooo much better."  This back and forth carries on for a while, until the woman becomes thoroughly disgusted and gives up.  For the love of god, she's trying to make some cash and you're wasting her time.  This ain't a church bake sale, dumbass.

Tyler Austin, preacher man and Xavier all have one thing in common.  Someone needs to explain to them - "Hey man, you're really annoying the living fuck out everyone.  Stop using that same, tired refrain.  Try to come up with a new routinel.  Yes, I realize this material has worked for you in the past.  But it's not because people agree with you.  They just nod in accordance so you will shut the fuck up.  Hopefully, you'll just wander away.  You're just a splinter group of those people who only discuss the weather or why the damn guvmint's the problem."