We all know of the alleged "future Hall of Famer" Chad Johnson (WR - Bungles). Oh wait, plagued by having to play for one of the NFL's worst franchises, he came up with a magical idea. He opted to engage in a totally new level of self-promotion. Change his name to Chad Ochocinco. Hey, it's not the worst idea. I'm sure it helped with personalized jersey sales, especially considering the generic nature of his previous name. Now the asshole plays for the Patriots. A good fit I suppose. Although I'm secretly a fan of Bill Belichick.
In the current age of non-stop fantasy football draft discussion, here's a thought. A mediocre wide receiver or running back should legally change his name to "Cowboys Suck." Hear me out on this one. During the dwindling moments of the fantasy draft (8th-10th rounds), everyone starts to lose interest. Probably because people are growing exhausted and the actual player choices trend less critical. All of a sudden, someone finally chooses Cowboys Suck and there's a spontaneous outburst of joy. This would go over extremely well in the Philly, New York and the Washington DC markets as they tend to hate all that is Cowboys. Theoretically, this idea would be a resounding success in every living room across the country. Everyone would be waiting to see who takes "Cowboys Suck." I could even envision Dallas fans picking the guy... in an attempt to make sure he never gets played and his unusual name becomes a non-issue.
But from a larger, strategical standpoint - the marketing aspect is off the hook. All those obnoxious Philly fans would be salivating for $200 Eagles jerseys that say "Cowboys Suck." I suppose you could also change your name to "Dallas Sucks." Lots of boys named after cities in Texas these days (Austin, Tyler, Houston, Dallas, etc.). I think there's a kid down the block named "Crawford." So it's really not that much of a stretch. Is that tight-end Dallas Clark still playing? Not sure.
Assuming a football player takes hold of this idea...
A. He becomes an instant focal point and enjoys a ride to the top of the "crappy celeb" circuit. Joining the likes of Paris Hilton and Octa-mom (whatever happened to that dumbshit?). Next stop "Dancing with the Stars."
B. He gets instantaneous name recognition in the entire United States. Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Dallas Sucks, Mel Gibson, etc.
C. Would surely become a cult hero despite the fact that he's not a star athlete.
D. Would ride it all the way to the fucking bank. Of this I assure you. Endless self-promotion and marketing would eclipse even the likes of Sarah Palin and her extensive brood. Coffee mugs, t-shirts, condoms, etc.
Remember that kick returner in the short-lived WWF football league. He later got picked up by the Carolina Panthers. Oh yeah, I remember him. His name was "He Hate Me" - he became a source of ridicule, despised by a segment of society which most find annoying... the grammar etiquette police.
But I really think I'm onto something. It doesn't necessarily have to be the name "Dallas Sucks" although that one's my favorite. Maybe he could play for the Giants and change his name to Anthony's Weiner. Although the long-term impact would surely diminish. Cowboys Suck has way more vision and longevity.
And it plays into the theory that everyone's just so special these days... with their unique names and all. I just saw a Maury Povich paternity test where this baby girl was named "Youneek." Her mother, aptly named "LaSquisha" was in a feud with the alleged father "T-Bone." Everyone must follow the example set by Povich. I'd never abide by Sharia Law, but Maury Law has an allure all its own. The timing for such name alteration rouse is spot-on. People will adapt. And fantasy football will forever be changed. And the world will be changed as well.
There is one big downside. Discussion of "Dallas Sucks" would have great appeal amongst "the crowd which has nothing else to contribute." You know who I'm talking about. Those who always discuss the weather and the high cost of gas. This does scare me a little. It's like giving a loaded gun to a broad spectrum of sub-humanoids. I will have given them the gift of a seemingly fresh, new topic. They will take it and mercilessly pummel the line into oblivion. And what if they use it in conjunction with other new urban-hip slang references such as "Deuces", "Boo Back", "Fa-Real?" and "Are you serious?" I will have created a monster.
One final thought. I'm also committed to a universal NFL football jersey specifically for proud atheists. With the name "GODLESS" on the back. What number would you put on it? That's an easy 1. Everyone would know that you are indeed the...