Thursday, October 13, 2011

Foundation for a Better Life (if you're an idiot)

Alright, where to begin?  They run this imbecilic commercial all the time.

For those who don't know, it's part of a Mitt Romney "Mormon normalization campaign" that has been going on since McCain disposed of him in the 2008 Republican primary.  They bought a shitload of advertising time on every cable channel known to man.  Probably a wise move. 

Remember the slew of "I'm your neighbor, I'm your teacher, I'm your doctor... and I'm a Mormon" commercials.  Yep.  Whatever happened to them?  Well, the Mormons didn't miraculously just go away.  They never left us.  They just morphed into the Foundation for a Better Life.  This segue way was some pretty strong marketing.  I'll give Romney's team credit for this one.  He assembled a professional campaign team.  For this reason alone, he deserves the nomination.  All the Rick Perry team can come up with is "he ain't a Christian, he's part of a cult."  Herman Cain likes black, walnut Haagendaz.  And all Bachmann can offer is that entranced, glazed look.  Similar to the look from Calissa, Newt's bedazzled wife.  But I digress.  It's so easy to get lost in the Republican field.

The Foundation for a Better Life has a few absurd commercials.  Most will remember the hoodlum, skater teenager who "steals" a woman's purse at the bus stop.  As he's diligently tailed by police (who don't even bother to get out of the car and try to chase the kid down), he valiantly jumps over puddles and sidesteps dog shit.  Out of breath from the 20 second dash, he finally reaches his intended target - the public bus.  Somehow, miraculously, the woman (who just happens to be black) conveniently has gotten off at the next stop.  Wouldn't the woman have yelled, "Please!  Stop the bus!  I forgot my purse!"  Instead she is greeted by the emo-punk who hands over the purse.  She flippantly says, "Thank you so much."  She never seemed even the least bit frantic.  A far cry from the behavior I've seen when a woman loses her purse.  And why didn't she offer him a reward?  She could have at least given the kid a few bucks or an Eat'n'Park gift certificate or something.  No gratitude whatsoever.  She could have at least given him a Tony & Cleo's drink chip.

And then the douchebag cops, who had suspected sinister behavior, offer the kid a doughnut.  What the hell is that?  Talk about weak stereotyping.  He should have "Fire in the Holed" the cop car with the glazed doughnut.  I know a man who once spotted a police car out in California.  While the cops were inside the convenience store, they had left cruiser running with the driver's side window just barely cracked.  My acquaintance took a bat hit off his one-hitter and exhaled the pot smoke into the policeman's car.  He then backed off and observed from a safe distance.  When the cops came back, they opened the door and WHOOSH - they got consumed by the marijuana smoke.  They were completely flabbergasted - they obviously thought someone had been puffing a doobie in their cruiser.  Not much they could do, other than feel helpless.  My friend grinned at them from a distance.

But it's the Foundation for a Better Life basketball commercial that angers me to no end.  During a timeout, this kid explains to the coach that he deflected the ball out of bounds.  Another team member with bad acne is irate, "Dude, it's the championship game!"  Another kid (of the same race) purposely bumps him when they leave the huddle.  But the coach proudly applauds this display of honesty and good sportsmanship.  Values, man.

What the fuck???  I'm not sure who's more mentally challenged, the kid or the coach.  Honestly, this must be the dumbest coach of all-time.  How the fuck did he make it to the championship?  Better yet, how did he get the coaching job in the first place?  Does he really think the ref is going to reverse his decision???  It doesn't work like that.  The ref's call is FINAL.  And the kid's not the sharpest peg either.  Going over to the ref, "I touched it ref.  It's their ball."  Who the hell would do this?  Decisions in basketball are final.  There aren't any do-overs.  It's not the NFL.  Meanwhile the music in the background trails off, "do it right." 

Notice the amount of minorities in these commercials.  What percentage of Mormons are black or hispanic anyway?  About the same number of Amish that classify themselves as Nazis.  

And what about the commercial where little "Timmy" is found missing at the symphony.  His parents don't seem particularly alarmed.  They exhibited the same amount of concern for their child as the woman did for her purse... not much.  Fortunately, Timmy and the concert pianist regale the crowd with a powerful rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.  I'll admit, it did deserve a standing ovation.  Even I almost shed a tear... until I remembered it was the Romney campaign.


sonofsaf said...

I neglect to mention. Since Cain claims he's Black Walnut Haagen Daz, I think it would be helpful to assign flavors to the entire GOP field. This has immediate potential.

Mitt Romney - Unflavored Sorbet

Rick Perry - Karamel Sutra (in honor of his promotion of teen promiscuity with the HPV vaccinations)

Rick Santorum - obviously Rick isn't negro enough for Sexual Chocolate. How about Sexual Vanilla?

Newt - Wintergreen Frozen Yogurt sounds about right

Michelle Bachmann - "I don't have a favorite flavor. I love them all. But my husband's favorite is Pink Bubblegum." Intriguing.

Gary Johnson - gotta go with Cherry Garcia because of the medicinal marijuana issue.

Chris Christie - even though he's not running, how about Fat Fuck Flavored. Has a nice ring to it.

Anonymous said...

Christie sure would run to it, no matter what the flavor was!!!