Friday, November 11, 2011

Dedicated to all that is SAF

There are countless organizations and acronyms called SAF.

The London based company SAF, or Safeland PLC, trades at roughly 8 bucks per share.  It used to be about $100/share 5 years ago.  Much like the human being SAF, the company appears to be on a downward trend.  Safeland deals with property management and industrial refurbishing.  The human SAF has difficulty coping with household water pressure issues.

However, my favorite company is the American SAF (Southern Aluminum Finishing) a metal fabrication company based out of Atlanta, GA.  A couple years ago I emailed the president of the company and asked if he could spare a t-shirt or ball cap with the word SAF on it.  His response, "No problem dude.  I'm on it."  Two days later a padded mailer was in my mailbox.  I quickly tore it open like a child spilling out Halloween candy on the living room floor.  Inside was this...

This famous SAF ball cap has easily surpassed all my other favorites, including such notables as Coors Light, M Life, Ross Police, WVU and Gordon River, Strahan. 

SAF also stands for Society of American Florists.  Regrettably, I can't tell the difference between a pansy or a posie, a rose or a daffodil.  Fortunately, Gig knows a thing or two about the floral industry.  She was kind enough to furnish me with this legendary piece of cardboard which I cherish quite regularly.

Now if that doesn't have you brimming with excitement... how about these assorted HER-SAF products from the mysterious company known as Safranek Enterprises.  Once again, compliments of Gig.

This miniature tablet is the modern day equivalent of the Dead Sea Scrolls.  It holds so much important documentation.  Truth be told, the contents are blank.  I think it seems well-suited for future scrabbling endeavors.

And I once got this letter from SAF.  It's like Saf offering thanks and heaping gratitude upon itself.  Almost as if Saf is an omniscient figure (kind of like the God-Jesus thing that seems wildly popular). This SAF is better known as Student Action with Farmworkers.  But alas, I am not a farmer.  My attempts to grow vegetables have been, for the most part, a meager failure.

It's really wonderful to see the corporate Saf's, non-profit Saf's, and human Saf's all getting along in relative peace and harmony.  Much like the racial tolerance illustrated by the "black and white" cookie in a weak, early Seinfeld episode.  "Look to the cookie, Elaine.  Look to the cookie."

Alright, so here's my point.  In honor of Veteran's Day, a mass email from a division of the American Red Cross was sent.  Jepsonian forwarded it to me.  I think it was sent to all those who've recently given blood.  It was from SAF (Service to the Armed Forces).   It lists the top 5 things you can do to support SAF.

In keeping with that spirit, here are the top 5 things you can do to support SAF, the individual.

5) Save me all your corks.  I might have 6,000 or so, but you can never have enough.  Synthetic ones are fine.

4) If you're planning on having a baby, name the child after me.  If it's a boy, "Saf" or "Saffy" is acceptable.  If it's a girl, I think "Safaleena" has a nice ring to it.  The middle name "Chlamydia" would be a fine addition.

3) If you know any of the local Krishnas or have a modicum of influence over the cult-oriented Palace of Gold, start dropping my name.  "Oh, Eric Saferstein thinks you Hindus are the bomb-diggity" or "Eric's a devout vegan.  I heard he recently swore off swine and won't partake of any animal that has a cloven hoof."  This is more of a long-term project.  I'm trying to get my foot in the door (or sanctuary) and become the next Swami Bhaktipadastein.  I'd be willing to offer up a fractional percentage of the Chesapeake Energy/Marcellus Shale proceeds.  I've always dreamed of having my very own cult.

2) If you're stopping up, bring a rake or one of those leaf blowing contraptions.  Do you have any idea how many leaves have fallen?  We can rake them over the hill or onto Fuckface's property.  Bring a chainsaw as well. 

1) Properly honor and show respect for the new British talk show host, Jeremy Kyle.  When referencing the practice of safe sex or using condoms, take on a stilted English accent and yell, "The problem is you're not acting responsibly!  You need to wrap up your DOODLESNICKER!"


Anonymous said...

1) no idea synthetic corks were ok, oh how many I've tossed not realizing this error. I'll start saving them for you now.

2) can the leaf blower be dropped off, or do you actually mean "if you own a leaf blower, come do it for me"? I can always drop ours off for you.

3) most of your friends have kids now it seems, I'm thinking you need to add some kids venues/events to your ticketing repertoire. I just paid $123 a ticket to see a kids concert in March. eesh.

sonofsaf said...

Ren - I would never discriminate on the basis of real of synthetic. Corks are just like people. There's a broad spectrum.

The leaf situation isn't really that bad. Don't sweat it.

And finally, I'm not sure I would feel comfortable swingin' Sesame Street on Ice tickets. I'll make you a sign though - "Mama bird and baby bird need free tix for Big Bird."