Thursday, May 23, 2013

How to END universal high school drug testing

When describing the war on drugs, you often hear the following two words.  Abject failure.  That's the consensus opinion assigned to the United States federal government and their never-ending obsession with narcotics. 

I'm not interested in debating the pros and cons of "illegal" drug use.  It all depends on how you view the issue.  From the perspective of public safety and prison overcrowding?  From the personal standpoint of someone who lost a family member to the perils of addiction?  Maybe you're concerned about U.S. border enforcement and weighing the benchmarks of supply and demand.  Maybe you think possession of more than 2 pounds of marijuana deserves the death penalty.  Like I said, I'm not interested in those discussions.

Here's what I'm thinking about.  We've seen an enormous uptick in public high school drug testing.  Most of it stems from a desire to participate in athletics or extracurricular activities.  Ohhh, you want to play football???  Well that's super fantastic... but we'll NEED a urine sample to make sure you conform to the community and the school board's expectations of what constitutes a fine, upstanding young man or woman.

Okay I get it.  But the testing has become way more prevalent because anytime you introduce $$$ into the equation, you can pretty much guarantee that any moral objections will be quickly silenced.  After all, there's money to be made god-damnit!  And in many high schools, it's evolving beyond sports.  You want to join the Chess Club... give us your piss.  You want to bake some special brownies for Home Ec... marijuana better not be one of the ingredients.  Driver's Ed??? You gotta piss before you buckle up.

The problem with universal drug testing is not only its draconian nature, it's also the application.  Who will be tested and under what circumstances.  Why shouldn't every member of the United States Congress have to submit to random drug testing?  They write the drug laws.  Shouldn't the same standard apply to them.   Hey, maybe some of them could volunteer and try to lead by example.  Personally, I like the idea of Mitch McConnell pissing in a little Dixie cup.  It makes me happy for reasons I cannot adequately codify or quantify.  What about Sonya Sotomayer?  I'd like to become more familiar with the content of her Latino urine.  How about the Big O?  Shouldn't he be tested after having retroactively confessed to smoking pot, snorting blow and who knows what else.  Isn't the president supposed to lead by example?

I'm starting to go off topic a little.  So let me lay it on the line...
Drug testing has become such an intrinsically volatile issue because it involves fundamental human rights.  After all, why should kids be coerced, and in some cases required, to submit to these hair follicle and urine tests.

I think what's needed here is one of those epic, shining youtube moments that goes viral and reshapes the entire debate.  I say that if you want our urine, we're gonna give it to you.

So here's the deal, here's my idea, picture this.  On a Friday night in Galveston, Texas, the local high school football team is charging onto the field for the big game.  That crappy "Let's get it Started" song is playing over the pa.  For some reason, the game's a huge rivalry.  Everyone in town is gonna be there.  All the football players form a straight line, remove their helmets, place their hands over their hearts... just as the glee club strikes the opening chord of the national anthem.

Ohh say can you see, by the dawn's early light...

At this defining moment in time, all the football players whip out their dicks and simultaneously start pissing on the field... DURING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.  How's that for some pregame footage?  Can you fathom the complete outrage, disgust and disbelief?  Fox News producers would experience multiple coronaries.

If you decide to kick it up an extra notch, how about adding an additional element of Roseanne-ittude Barr into the equation.

Afterwards, have the quarterback issue the following statement.  "Well, they kept insisting on having our urine.  So we decided they can have it!"  It's simplicity at its finest.  Give 'em what they want.  What a brutal video this would be - guaranteed to reek chaos and instantly spark a national debate.

What a slap in the face to every veteran who has ever served.  Or is it?  Could this be the modern day equivalent of the signing of the Declaration of Independence?  I can't say for certain, but I think John Hancock would approve.  He does have the word "cock" in his last name.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Maybe other high school and college kids would follow their lead.  Who knows, maybe even the pros? 

The problem would be finding a true leader within a team of sports-indoctrinated young males.  And it would take an enormous abundance of collective courage.  Like the Scots led by William Wallace.

In the aftermath, I think it would be very difficult for a high school to collectively discipline ALL of the kids.  Strength in numbers is always where it's at.  The kids could refuse to play until drug testing policy is rescinded.  The school could be forced to consider halting the season or eliminating the entire program.  I'm sure the town folk wouldn't be too hip with that prospect.  Public sentiment would soon turn against the school board.  That's how you win the an argument against mandatory drug testing- you shift the debate.  Instead of hating on the depraved high school kids, you malign the bureaucratic school board that has to interfere with our children's personal lives.  How dare that hoity-toity board of governance superimpose their authority and define precisely what constitutes being a good parent?  Aren't you completely sick of the nanny-state U.S. federal government?  I know I am.

Come to think of it.  Maybe it should be Steubenville's Big Red team.  Hell, they've already got a stellar reputation for gang rape.  Mass public urination would seem to be a step in a kinder, gentler direction... instead of this >>>

If anyone wants to run with the scenario I outlined, you can take all the credit.  I don't mind.  But if anyone uses the name "Francis Scott Pee"...  well, that's where I draw the line.  That shit is mine.


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