Saturday, June 15, 2013

New NFL/TSA-style policy governing purses and handbags

NFL Commish Roger Goodish is moving toward enhanced TSA-style screening procedures at all 31 NFL stadiums.  Nice!  I was beginning to feel unsafe.

NFL fans arriving at stadiums for games in the 2013 season should leave their large bags at home.
That's the big takeaway from the new NFL policy revealed Thursday, which will limit the size and type of bags that are allowed into stadiums starting in the preseason. In an effort to increase public safety and expedite entry into the stadium, the NFL Committee on Stadium Security in May unanimously recommended the implementation of the measure.

Fans will have a few options for bringing smalls bags into stadiums. They only will be allowed to bring in small clear plastic, vinyl or PVC bags that do not exceed 12" x 6" x 12", according to a press release from the league.

Other options include a one-gallon clear plastic freezer bag (like Ziploc) or a small "clutch bag," approximately the size of a hand. An exception will be made for medically necessary items after they've been properly inspected at a gate designated for this purpose.

"Prohibited items include, but are not limited to: purses larger than a clutch bag, coolers, briefcases, backpacks, fanny packs, cinch bags, seat cushions, luggage of any kind, computer bags and camera bags or any bag larger than the permissible size," the statement reads.

Of course, this falls under the all-encompassing veil of providing a safe game-day environment (no guns).  But don't they already cover this matter with the metal-detecting wands and intrusive pat downs?  There have been a couple times where I received a light-hearted groin groping.  And while I'm not overly hip to the concept of male-on-male fondling, I must ask the obvious question... is this really about weapons and safety?

Personally, I think it's about making sure people can't smuggle in concessions: particularly those tiny bottles of rum or whiskey (excellent for mixing with a $5.00 coke - it almost makes for a reasonably priced, DIY cocktail).

This new constraint is really going to evoke the ire of many women, especially the menstruating faction (with the notable exception of Tampon-Bay fans).  From what I understand, the Buccaneers marketing team already sells officially licensed "Tampax gear."

Is it really necessary for them to use the old-school logo with the knife?  If you ask me, it conjures up some disturbing imagery during the application process.

So of course I have devised an all-purpose, systemically disruptive solution designed to shed light upon the issue.  Here is what I propose....

Everyone, both men and women, should take full advantage of the gallon size zip-lock bag allowance.  You can cram a lot of shit in there.  I would suggest poking two holes in the clear bag and threading through a functional strap of hemp.  Wear that damn bag around your neck as you would a Flavor-Flav alarm clock! 

And fill it with all kinds of sexually provocative goodies.  Execute your own all-star, adult expo-mart throwback visitation policy.  Anything goes.  It's a veritable see-through bone-anza. 

Dildos, vibrators, anal beads, pocket rockets, butt plugs, nipple clamps, mini-whips, leashes, ... I'm talking everything (with an emphasis on gimp-related merchandise)   

gimp - Slang a sexual fetishist who likes to be dominated and who dresses in a leather or rubber body suit with mask, zips, and chains

Hey, anything to enhance your game day enjoyment and turn it into a functional "living room" experience... right?  Last time I checked, all these items are legal... correct?  And it's the perfect way to demonstrate some team pride!  Kind of like "tying a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree."

People always assume I'm joking when I make suggestions like this.  But I assure you, I'm not.  If everyone would participate in making a complete mockery of the policy, it turns the NFL into the butt of all jokes (pun intended).  And would likely lead to it being rescinded.

This reminds me of my other idea - encouraging high school football players to openly piss on the field during the national anthem.  You want to drug test our urine - no problem... come and get it!

By the way, next time you're at Heinz Field, check out some of the merchandise shops.  They sell these mammoth Steelers officially licensed handbags.  So do not fret.  Technically, you can still carry them out.  You just can't carry them in.  Sounds about right.

Also, I'm sure that "no seat cushion" policy is going to encounter zero-resistance during those late January playoff games in the upper-tier Buffalo Bills bleacher seats of Ralph Wilson Stadium.  But once again, do not fret.  You can still purchase those seat cushions for a modest fee.  Once you get inside, of course. 

Don't worry.  Buffalo ain't gonna be hosting any winter playoff games.  Same goes for Cleveland.  I believe "when pigs fly" is the traditional term.  So let's close it on a Simpsons-pig related-Peter Frampton note.  I like this non-kosher German version... or maybe it's Dutch.  I do not know.


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