Thursday, June 27, 2013

decentralized Wheeling Dog Park solution

For the past few weeks, all I've seen on facebook is friends encouraging everyone to vote for a dog park in Wheeling.  We NEED this dog park so bad.  You MUST go to the link a click it repeatedly. Now THAT is some forward thinking activism!

I guess there's a $100,000 on the line, so that should be sufficient to build the requisite fences and mow a few trails.  Other than buying a few industrial trash cans for the impending loads of dog shit, I don't see why this would cost so much.  Most of the cost would just be upkeep from the city.

So if we get enough people to click on the "bark for your park" contest, perhaps the day will come when Wheeling has its very own dog park.  Personally, I think if you give the city administrators a hundred grand, they'll likely find a way to waste it on refurbishing the parking meters in Center Wheeling.

Just an aside, I've always been a proponent of bringing back old-school dog names.  Names like "Tippy" and "Fido."  I don't like it when people give their dogs human names (Alex, Cynthia, etc.).  Or even worse, the hippie or band names (Sunshine, Elvis, Jim Morrison, etc.).

When I think of heroic dog names, my thoughts harken back to the early 80's.

That's right.  The Moondogs!  Rex and Spot Moondog were tag team champions on many of the regional circuits.  These were some honorable dogs.  They were even memorialized in doll-form... and rightly so.  They were as rich in WWF tradition as they were in WCW.

So here's the current rankings in the never-ending quest for the ultimate dog park contest.

0 1 Mountain House, CA 45147 Vote Now
0 2 Texarkana, TX 37408 Vote Now
0 3 Wheeling, WV 31259 Vote Now
0 4 Oxford, AL 24962 Vote Now
0 5 Conway, AR 23834 Vote Now
0 6 Pontiac, IL 18906 Vote Now
0 7 Auburn, NY 17608 Vote Now
0 8 Brighton, TN 15035 Vote Now
0 9 New Braunfels, TX 12811 Vote Now
1 0 Safford, AZ 12351 Vote Now
1 1 West Columbia, SC 9209 Vote Now
1 2 Mason City, IA 7573 Vote Now
1 3 East Hartford, CT 6186 Vote Now
1 4 Silver Cliff, CO Current Bark From Your Heart Leader 5936 Vote Now
1 5 Corpus Christi, TX 4693 Vote Now

Hot damn!  Wheeling is on the cusp of second place.  Maybe they'll win (I doubt it).

Anyway, here's a solution if we fail to get the votes.  I call it the "decentralized, resilient Wheeling Dog Park."  Assuming we lose out, don't just throw away all this prior internet/facebook participation.  Let's get an administrator to follow through with a "revolving" dog park.  Compile a list of dog owners and set up one of those snazzy facebook groups - I'd call it either "Wheeling has Gone to the Dogs" or "My Dogs are Barkin."  The latter being a reference to the Jewish moccasins I wear as a substitute for golf shoes.  They currently stink.

Every month it would be some new location around town.  All that's really required is an open space and a trash can or dumpster for the aforementioned dog shit.  How about the Wheeling Jesuit University soccer field?  How about the Oglebay Formal Gardens?  How about that community park in Bethlehem?  How about the parking lot behind Super Buffet?  They just caution-taped off the parking lot and altered the sign - renamed it AC Buffet.  Looks like some big changes are on the horizon for that dining establishment.  Does AC really stand for air-conditioned?  Seriously, what else could it mean?  Atlantic City??? When asked where I ate lunch, I kinda like the idea of saying, "Listen asshole, we went to the air conditioned buffet."

Reminds me of a facebook complaint regarding the recent Kenny Chesney concert at Heinz Field.  Fans were disgusted with the amount of post-concert trash left behind. 

This one person commented how "she saw a young woman throw an entire bowl of potato salad at a moving vehicle for no apparent reason."  To which I replied, "Not to play devil's advocate... but I kinda like it when a young woman throws an entire bowl of potato salad at a moving vehicle for no apparent reason."

So that's that.  You just send out the update on where it will be every month, and bada bing bada boom... there's a storming of the mutts.  The best part is that it's always changing.  Makes things way more interesting if you ask me.  And I think the dogs would agree.  Dogs are like people.  Even though it's the best and cheapest option, you don't always want to play the Crispin front 9.

One final thought, my least favorite canine-inspired wrestler was a dullard... Junkyard Dog.  His routine was seriously lackluster.

Oh, look.  He's on all-fours, barking at the crowd.  Now he's tossing Purina milk bones to the crowd.  If you want my opinion, he was a lame-ass, chintzy prop wrestler.  I prefer the exhilarating tenacity of Jim Adler, a Texas-based Junkyard Dog ambulance chasing, insurance collaborator.


sonofsaf said...

It was brought to my attention that the "AC" in AC Buffet might stand for "American Chinese."

This would appear to be a more sensible acronym than I originally surmised. SAF

Anonymous said...

You should be more worried about the Amber Alerts and Flash Flood Warnings we've been receiving on our phones. That could easily be manipulated to induce an A.G.S.

Anonymous said...

I just watched the dog park a word...embarrassing!
I have to say out of the top 15 finalists, Wheeling by far has the best quality and production. appears that Wheeling doesn't look like it NEEDS a dog park. That dog looks and sounds like he is the Prince of the Panhandle.
I hope it works out, if it doesn't, watch out stampedes may be a comin'...

sonofsaf said...

I wonder if there's a way to get a trained and conditioned K-9 dog to instantly change its focus/aggression against its handler (the cops).

I wonder if its ever happened. A situation where the German Shepherd was witnessing a victim of severe police brutality and decided to come to his/her rescue.

On a different note, I've seen a lot of wildebeest stampedes... no dog stampedes though. However, it would make for a great viral clip. Wheeling finally gets a dog park. At the opening ceremony, the dogs collectively decide to stampede and charge their owners.