Friday, August 09, 2013

Git the Skids

Last night, I created a theme, a template if you will, for a pop country music song that could take the world by storm.  Well, maybe not the world.  Just the Kenny Chesney yee-hawing dumbshits which have gained quite a stranglehold throughout the nation.

The song is entitled "Git the Skids."  It's all about how when your life goes to absolute shit... it's time to git the skids.  When your woman fucks your best friend, when your dog gets hit by a teenager texting in her brand new Volkswagen Cabriolet, when your lawnmower won't start, when the Nascar race gets rained out, when the Walgreen's runs out of Skoal long cut wint-o-green dip...

Any of these incidents could result in a decision to "git the skids."  You see - when life HITS the skids, it's time to GIT the skids.  Then, you and your confederate pals will take a journey out the crick or down some navigable holler and torch the fuck out of a dozen skids.  The blazing of the skids becomes an emblematic ritual.  It's a cathartic act - a hootin' and a 'shootin good 'ol time.  You just succeeded in drowning all your sorrows (as the pile of philanthropic wood descends into a heap of rusty nails and tetanus-related staples).  Kudos.

Okay, let's focus on the structure of the song.  A bunch of bad shit just went down and you're feeling sad or pissed off.

The song jumps right out with a sing-a-long style refrain.  Think in terms of The Beatles "She Loves You."  Right outta the gate.  Very authoritative and well-suited for cowboy style deep-throated acapella.

When you hit the skids
You gotta git the skids 

When your truck blows a tire and you ain't gotta a jack
When the Bud runs dry, but the Jack comes back

great lyrics - notice the dual meaning of the words "Bud" and "Jack."  At first, you might think Bud means reefer, but it's actually a reference to Budweiser can - the all-consuming worst choice of cheap domestic beer.  In the second verse, the second "Jack" refers to Jack Daniels (the preferred liquor choice for 4 out of every 5 inbred whiskey drinkers).  The multiple dual meanings instantly give the song an allure of sophistication.  Country music fans ain't as stupid as everyone thinks. 

The next part of the song deals with the actual acquisition of said skids.  Just where we gonna find 'em?  Well, there's a few options.

Tried down at the Texaco station
Cuz it's part of our proud nation

Instant shout-out of faithful allegiance to the oil industry.  Plus you work in a subtle Texas reference.  This is always a winner.  Follow it up with some low-brow patriotism. 

Found a few here, found a few there (background female singers)

Stopped behind the Piggly Wiggly
Where the GIRLS all get giggly

All pop country songs have that one part in the video where the girls show off their daisy duke, cut-off jean shorts.  This part is critical.  You've already touched on patriotism.  Now it's time to turn your attention to the young Southern hotties.  Show these honeys what they're missing.  You might be temporarily down on your luck, but you're still willing to stick your dick in anything with a pulse.  Hell, maybe they could spontaneously jump in the back of the pickup and head on down the road.  Now it's a party!  Best of all, it's in keeping with the established "honky tonk ba-donk-a-donk" tradition.

chorus refrain:

When you hit the skids
You gotta git the skids

When your truck blows a tire and you ain't gotta a jack
When the Bud runs dry, but the Jack comes back

But we still need more skids... and maybe some guns.  Shotguns that is.  Yep, you guessed it - more sophisticated dual meaning is on the way.  Here, here!  Shotgunning a beer is the preferred way to strut your stuff, or as I like to call it, hit your shit.

Sip it through a straw, YEE-HAW (this is how the women-folk drink their beer)
Shotgun Shotgun.  BANG BANG!  BANG BANG! (multiple shirtless fatsos simultaneously shotgunning beers). 

Upon completion each one yells "bang."  Followed by actual gun shot explosions of "bang, bang."  This encourages anyone who graduated 2nd grade to stand up and shout "Bang!  Bang!"  Makes for that very easy-to-comprehend singalong moment for bar patrons and tailgaters across our great land.

Found a few here, found a few there

We're part of the rank and file
We're doin' it country style

"Rank and file" denotes absolute, unwavering support for any aspect of the U.S. military.  And then you tie it together with what constitutes the "country style" (some Levi-wearing, bandana-clad, chaw-spitting, crew-cutted fuckhead). 

Guitar solo section - also, throw in some random stuff, washboard solo, cowbell clanking, goat uttering "baaah," horse going "hee-haw, hee-haw," rooster crowing "cock-a-doodle doo," etc.  This is where the country subservient offspring get to sing along and make the obligatory barnyard noises.  See, it even becomes educational.    Tyler, Austin, Dallas, Houston - any little kid named after a city in Texas gets involved.  And this is how the real memories are made.

And finally, one last stop on the skid acquisition, douchebag expressway.  The token reference to Jesus or anything Christian/godly.

And if you think that no one cares
We'll give a shout-out to the man upstairs

Remember, this song is about being down on your luck.  It's in keeping with the "my wife left me, teen daughter is pregnant, the bank repossessed our trailer, just lost my job and the dog ran away" vibe that is so integral to the foundation of bad pop-country music.  This way, the song becomes about something bigger, something more majestic and heavenly.

Plus, it segues nicely into the final stanza.  You've been driving around aimlessly in your quest for "all things skid."  Then, all of a sudden, you see a giant stack of skids next to a port-a-jon.  It's a god-given miracle!  Only a gentle and caring god would bestow upon us this mega-allotment of skids.

Did you see what god done did?
Yeahhhh, he gave us that big 'ol skid.

Found a few here, found a few there.
Found a few here, found a few there.
Found a few here, found a few there.

As the song starts winding down, the background music starts to slowly fade.  You begin to hear random sounds of laughter.  Maybe someone revving a motorcycle.  People are kickin' it up.  Hootin and hollerin around an old-school skid-style campfire.  Maybe even throw in a Sweet Brown excerpt, "Oh lord, it's a fahr!"  Just to show a little unexpected racial tolerance and afford the last opportunity for musical connaisseurs to chime in.

I've never really thought much about crafting a country music song.  Certainly not one that could be the biggest thing since sliced bread.  But think about it - it's MORE than just some shitty song.  It's a mode of conduct and it's a way of life.  Almost a call to arms.  When you're down on your luck and life hits the skids... YOU GOTTA GO AND GIT THE SKIDS.  It's just who we are.  It's how we're gonna do it.  It's just what we do.  Country folkdom worldwide would have their passion ignited.  Burning skids day and night - it would become the hip new national trend in all things "country-cool."

You git the skids and then you throw a big redneck, shit kicking, stinky horse manure smelling, mother fucking pajama jammy-jam.

I give all the credit to the millionaire country fuck who sings that new song "Chew tobacco... spit, spit.  Chew Tobacco... spit, spit."  I don't know his name but he is my inspiration.  I heard it on country WOMP-FM a couple months ago.

One more thought - when performing the song live, you actually have a roadie throw down a skid in the middle of the stage and torch the fuck out of it.  The fans would go bonkers-hillbilly-ape-shit.  Maybe even come up with some kind of dosey-doe, hoe-down, line-dance move that revolves around the burning skid.  Something the masses could easily mimic which requires absolutely no talent.  It would captivate the hearts and minds of the mongrel horde! 

And just a final observation - nobody has EVER written a song about burning skids.  It's a niche that's literally crying out.  This blog may have started out as a joke, but the more I contemplate, the more I reflect, the more I analyze... THIS SHIT IS A FUCKING WIN-WIN!  Somebody better step up. 

Gotta git the skids!

Steelers vs. Giants game tomorrow night.  Sure it's preseason, but it's the fucking New York Giants... and it's nice to get in some warm weather games before we all freeze our asses off.   And it's nationally televised.  And the risk of a stampede is probably around .003%.  F'in A.


Anonymous said...

Hilarious AND awesome!! Send it to Joe Zelek! It could be a hit!


sonofsaf said...

Thank you DBV!

I realize everyone's first inclination is to assume I'm mocking and ridiculing the "pop country" genre and their ilk. And while that isn't entirely untrue, I think the underlying concept of the song is a knock down-drag out. And the melody is very catchy.

Maybe just add in one more stanza. Maybe something about teaching others how to "throw a real party." Where people go barefoot in spite of the danger presented by the skids. Ohhh, the irony.

DBV - send it to Zelek. He might remember me from backstage at Jambo. I made his daughter Ava a keychain. Tell him I'm buddies w/ Doug Edgell. They're good friends.

sonofsaf said...

extra lyrics...

takin' a look behind the dollar store
all we saw was a candy corn whore

searchin' far and near
drinkin' Nascar beer

Anonymous said...

Saf, you are the savior of The Wheeling Feeling. This century's answer to Doc Williams. A genius! I want to see this video on CMT starring you surrounded by sweet young honeys in Daisy Dukes. You are the best!

amandape said...

it is way better than the solo cup song. If some can make millions over a plastic cup- surely skids can be the next BIG thing! Love you saf- Hope you & Gigi are doing great!

sonofsaf said...

It's a few weeks later and I have a new idea for "Git the Skids."

There's one part in the song where I reference a "country hoe down" dance around the burning pile of skids. This could turn into a spin-off of the infamous inner city Harlem Shake.

But you'd call it the "Country Shake." Maybe something like "this ain't no Harlem Shake, it's our take (or time to wake'n'bake). There ain't gonna be no scuffle. This here's a country kerfuffle."

I like the idea of placing a greater emphasis on the skid dance. Plus, the word "kerfuffle" is underused.