Tuesday, July 23, 2013

baby royale (w/ cheese): 8 lbs. 6 oz.

Yesterday was epic... specifically for those who live vicariously through the grand achievement of a royal birth.  There might be about 7 billion people on the planet, but this Kate and William baby boy is of the utmost importance.  After she had the baby, the message was delivered by an officially sanctioned courier with a police escort.  I think it was inscribed on some kind of ancient British scrolling paper.

As a practicing atheist Jew, I would have preferred it if the birth announcement were written on parchment, or Klaf as it is called.  The most preferably quality parchment is "Shlil" (the hide of a newborn calf embryo).  They use it for Sefer Torahs (the most prized, holy moly book of them all).  This would have have greatly enhanced my celebratory mood.

If there's one thing our British allies need, it's more royal birth announcements.  Check this guy out. 

Now that's what I'm talkin' about.  These days, you really don't see much in the way of town criers.  If you think about it, this dude has it made.  He probably works a couple minutes about once every 20 years or so.  Gets all gussied up and yells at the top of his lungs.  Saffy like.

I think this town crier/royal birth announcer guy should have come to California back in 2009.  He could have presided over the Octamom delivery.  It's the American equivalent.  Our showbiz imbeciles are their royalty.  Our reality tv idiots are their drunken soccer hooligans.  People celebrating everywhere, dancing in the streets, minor looting, some wilding.  Remember Nadya Suleman?  Whatever happened to her?  Didn't she go bankrupt or do some light porn or something?  This one just ain't worth the Octa-wiki search.

That pic is a little too racy.  Personally, I prefer this softer, more muted version of Octa-baby-momma.

Seriously though, for just having sharted out 8 kids, she looks pretty damn good.

But back in the real world...

Breaking News from Green Park, England:

They just had this massive display of booming cannons.  One of those 21-gun salutes.  For a second, I thought I was watching The Patriot starring Mel Gibson.

Hey.  Perhaps we could have gotten Ted Nugent to fire off some of his guns (to properly welcome the Octamom horde).

Hmmm.  Maybe when Bristol Palin has her second child...  I hope she has twins this time.  I'd name them Fluke and Puke (but that's just me).

If this was photo-shopped, there is no god. 

In fact, maybe Will and Kate will opt for a celebrity-blended baby name.  In this case, it would have to be "Kill" or "Wait."  Although I do know a guy named Killer, and a dog too for that matter... I just don't care for the murderous connotations.  But the second name ain't that bad.  White Lion could play a show outside the maternity word.  Maybe with a wango-tango Nuge opener.

I just thought I'd offer my take on the royal birth.  Odd that the birth of a white baby boy of unfathomable privilege over in Europe is what knocked Trayvon Martin out of the news cycle.  Just something to think about.

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