Wednesday, September 17, 2014

condom dog

Lately I've been reflecting on some bait and switch schemes.  Mostly intended to spark interest and awareness regarding the prospect of artificially generated stampedes.  Go figure. 

If you wish to skip the stampede preamble, scroll down a few paragraphs.

It might sound unfamiliar, but it's really simple.  Hell, stuff your average 5th grader could decipher.  This ain't rocket science.  You wouldn't try to rescind knowledge of "stop, drop and roll" or "look both ways before you cross the street."  Nobody in their right mind would try to refute "excessive consumption of alcohol could have harmful effects on a fetus."  If there's an emergency, nobody's gonna come along and tell you, "Oh, don't bother calling 911." 

We know these things because the issues are well-defined.  If this suits your fancy, here's another one.   The government has a vested interest in discouraging people from smoking cigarettes.  Because it significantly increases your chance of developing emphysema and lung cancer.  Some might equate this with intrusive government.  Perhaps.  I think it's acceptable because it falls under the heading of helpful, common sense public safety info.  Most rational people would probably agree with that stance.  With an obvious exception for the flat-earther, tea-bagger, abortion clinic bombing types.

But what happens when the government CANNOT disclose reasonable, common sense information?  The AGS easily falls into this category.  Nobody will touch it (warning people that legit venue emergency evac orders don't come from cell phones.  If you get one, it's almost certainly a hoax designed to create a stampede).  I suppose there is one other marginal possibility.  Someone might be trying to evacuate a stadium simply for their own personal amusement.  Either way, the outcome is dire.

They won't tell you because of the catch-22.  Because if you acknowledge the problem, you own it... and if it happens, you're fucked.  Your political career, your existence, your standing, your administration --- you're totally fucked.  These days, the blame game is where it's at.  Just ask Roger Goodell.  Ask the President of GM.  Ask Hillary about Benghazi (what difference does it make).  Whenever there's a tragedy, it's all about assessing liability.  Gotta blame someone.  Trust me, I get it.

Alright Saf... enough with the painfully obvious, incessant chatter.  You sound like an Instagram junkie yapping about spicy clovular nutmegish enhancements.  Egad!  The plague of religious pumpkin rolls will soon be upon us (inside joke). 

In the past, I've come up with all kinds of aberrant, yet amusing, systemic disruptions.  A few have merit.  Others are pathetic.  Among my favorites: alliterative golf ball profanity, anagram generator sign alteration and sharpie cum dumpster.  I don't think I've ever blogged about the last one.  But I'll concede in advance.  It's exceptionally low brow/South Park.  Here's the gist of it.  Whenever you see a metallic green dumpster, whip out your handy black sharpie and scribble the word "cum" on it.  So when people walk by, they'll invariably comment, "Oh look.  It's the cum dumpster.  That's nice."  I've tested it out.  Works best at outdoor rock concerts.  The success rate is in the 20% - 25% range.  Some have even stopped to take pictures.  #cumdumpsterselfie  #garbageglorification  #whitetrashwhore

This brings me to my latest concoction.  And what could possibly be my most shining achievement to date.  That is correct.  I proudly give you...


That's right damnit!  It's a hot dog with an engorged hot dog inside.

I want people to stick them in the restrooms of upscale restaurants and hotel bathrooms.  Anywhere near the toilet, urinal, sink, Malkin hot air blower, whatever... 

Bellagio, Wynn, Phoenician, Venetian.  Pseudo-tasty mid-range dining establishments are cool too.  Outback, Cheesecake Factory, etc.  That Smokey Bones place in Robinson Township sounds spot on.

At this point it's a winner.  The only question is how to twitterize it.  #condomdog or #rubberdoggie would seem to be the best candidates.  For the esoteric... perhaps #syntheticwoof.

Picture a 4th year wedding anniversary dinner party at Red Lobster.  Austin Ray goes to take a piss.  He comes back to the table, "Woohoo!  It's gonna be a good night!  Check it.  I went to take a leak and there was a dang 'ol rubber doggie next to the soap dispenser.  Gonna get me some lovin' tonight!"

I know... right?  No losers here.  It's a win-win.

The beauty of it all --- no video cameras.  It's the only place where you can hopefully guarantee a non-surveillance environment.  Except for the Pentax upskirt weirdos.  So it becomes kind of like an anonymous lavatory mystery.  Nobody can prove shit.  And nobody's gonna voluntarily investigate or willingly touch a condom doggie.  "Dagummit, who did dat?  For Christ sake, there could be semen all up in that shit."  So it just sits there for the duration.  Well... until a janitorial representative picks up the slack.

Alright, now for the pregame.  Go to your local health department.  They give away free condoms in droves.  I already know exactly what you're thinking.  Pray-tell, if only the masses would heed their prophylactic philanthropy.

Next up.  Addressing hot dog turgidity concerns.  I suggest buying a pack of the cheapest hot dogs and hiding them deep in the freezer.  Just before you head out on the town... take out a single frozen dog and wrap that sucker up.  Then, place said condom puppy in a small ziplock bag.  Rinse, wrap, repeat.  Now you're out the door armed with a stash of condom dogs - prepped, psyched and ready to reek havoc.

Here's the best part.  As the evening progresses, the condom dog will take on a less virile, limper disposition.  This makes it even more objectionable and less susceptible to premature eradication (throwing it in the trash).

Like I said at the beginning.  The only purpose for all of this is bait and switch.  The goal of which --- every time someone sees a condom dog, they think about stampede prevention.

Idiot #1: "Dude, there was a fuckin' condom dog on the god damn toilet!"

Idiot #2: "Oh yeah... that's the West Virginia hillbilly queer who wants to prevent artificially generated stampedes.  Nobody gives a fuck about his shit, BUT MOTHER OF GOD!  He's the dude who gave us condom dog.  That's what he's known for.  And deservedly so.  He's as rich in stampede tradition as he is in spirited dog!"

Ominous shades of that Caddyshack moment.

Good stuff.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Good lord