Yesterday, I went to my first Pirates game of the season. They put on a relatively convincing beat-down of the intoxicated Brewers (9-3). I gave the artificially generated stampede propaganda a rest and tried a different approach to ballpark safety.
As you might know, every Sunday is Kid's Day. Considering the influx of young boys, I thought it might be a wise idea to establish "Catholic priest-free zones." Inside the venue and on the outer periphery. Keep in mind, this would only be on Sundays. Please let it be known that I am NOT proposing a permanent ban on men of the cloth. After all, that would be discriminatory and unconscionable. Think of it more in terms of a natural extension/sexual progression of the North Carolina transgender restroom legislation. Say that one 10x fast.
So anyhoo, they were giving away Josh Harrison garden gnomes.
This promotional trinket was intended for children 14 and under, but I managed to snag an abandoned one. J-Hay Huzzah!
I'm not too hip on the bobbleheads or miniature replica bats, but I do like t-shirts and gnomes. In fact, I think they should take it to the next level. Emeril Lagasse of Food Network fame used to refer to this as 'kicking it up a notch.' So how could the Pirates organization achieve this objective?
Bob Nutting Garden Gnome Giveaway
Bob Nutting Garden Gnome Giveaway
Let's face it. Our beloved owner has a whimsical, elven management style. It's part of his meticulous, bean-counter approach which extends deep into an aggressive monitoring of the frozen hot dog inventory.
Truth be told, he even has the actual look and feel of a diminutive gnome.
Probably has something to do with the fanciful eyebrow curvature.
Could you envision a "Nutting Nome" or "Ogden Ornament" immersed in the pea pods, enveloped in the leaf lettuce or entwined in the cherry tomatoes? Gardeners of the world unite!
It's eerily reminiscent of the "I'm a wise elf from a far off shire" in the overplayed General Electric commercial.
I'm a nice owner, your money I'll acquire
Please contribute, to the Nutting empire
I'd also be willing to endorse an angrier gnome version. Gargoyle-like tendencies with a grimmer disposition.
Here's Bob losing in the "win-and-yinz-in" wildcard game... twice in consecutive years. Frumpy and distraught. Has kind of a Mitch McConnell Senate majority leader thing goin' on.
Let's compare. Here's Mitch reflecting on the two-term Obama presidency... to be followed by Hillary, of course. That's one unhappy McSenator.
Our esteemed politician from Kentucky would make a fine gnome. It's an ignominious distinction --- to be mass replicated in gnome form.
So here's the million dollar question. Will the Buccos embrace my Gnovel Gnutting Gnome idea? It's 3-G, short for third generation. Hey now, that's cutting edge!
But will they get the ball rolling for next season? Hmmm, I gotta be honest. I seriously doubt it.
So I came up with another idea. And it's perfectly suited for kids day. I'll even set up the tent myself. On Federal Street just off the Roberto Clemente Bridge.
It's gonna be an interactive arts and crafts project.
I call it... getting "Socked in the Nutting." A distant variation of getting "tased in the butthole."
Now everyone remembers pro wrestling great Mick Foley and his beloved character Mr. Socko. He was a schizophrenic little guy. Capable of love and empathy. Sometimes the silly comedian. Often prone to outbursts of hostility. Fits of rage.
The coolest thing about Mr. Socko --- the manifestation of his existence was open to interpretation.
Think of the possibilities! You could design your own Socko. Dress him up as you see fit. Adorn him with glitter and sprinkles. Maybe throw in some John Jaso yarnlocks.
Maybe give him a cool hat with that authentic Johnny Depp, Pirates of the Caribbean feel.
You know what? How about we get creative for a change? Instead of distributing a ton of mass produced crap from China or Bangledesh, why not "hand-craft" your own Mr. Socko for anything Pixburgh related?
Maybe a Mayor Bill Peduto Socko? How about a hefty, fuller-figured Mark Madden Big Sexy Socko? What about a stunningly vivacious Christina Aguilera Socko. I really like the idea of a "Build it Back Up" Fetterman Socko, dressed in a classic black Levi's short sleeve button down.
The beauty of this idea is the DIY aspect. Plus, try to envision the ensuing camaraderie that will take place once inside the ballpark. Ooooh, who's that? Lookie over there, it's a Mario Lemiuex Socko. Maybe it's a balding Terry Bradshaw. Maybe a Michael Keaton.
Everywhere you go, there'd be a unique Mr. Socko comin' atcha. Taking a stroll on the river walk, sauntering through the concourse, buying a $12 warm Bud Light draft... Socko could even appear in the Lexus Club seats behind home plate... staring down a Root Sports television audience.
If you think the Pirates management despised the Nature Boy Ric Flair chants of Woooooooo, how about a decentralized army of hand puppets, a veritable plethora in the form of an asymmetric militia, a teeming stampede of Yinzer Sockos!
Hey, they already have Star Trek night. They already got Pup night. And praise be to God... they already embrace "Faith and Family" night and "Founding Fathers" night. What's next? "Freedom to Freely Frack" night? Hell, they even have "Raise the Jolly Raja" night.
So why not a Mr. Socko night???
So here's the deal. The Pirates organization will never take my real concerns seriously. Maybe if this new Socko phenomenon takes hold, we'll finally get to see a little action!
Dare to dream.