Friday, April 22, 2016

Ted Cruz Comeback Strategy

When asked for my thoughts on the remaining Republican candidates, it generally breaks down like this.

For the most part, I find Kasich remotely tolerable.
The thought of Ted Cruz becoming President of the United States literally terrifies me.
But the slightest thought of Donald Trump becoming President of the United States absolutely petrifies me to the point where I lose all control of my bodily functions.  I simultaneously urinate, defecate, snot is running down my nose, swallowing my own vomit, sweating, swampass, the works.

Like I said, that pretty much encapsulates my thoughts on the GOP.

At the moment, things are lookin' pretty bleak for Lyin'  Ted.  He got thumped in New York and the general consensus is that he's going to fare poorly this Tuesday in PA, MD, DE, CT and RI.  I don't think that's up for debate.  Not sure how he'll spin it.  But here's what I'd suggest.

Consider the current delegate count:

Trump has 844.
Cruz has 543.

Immediately after the Tuesday primary, Ted is going to need a quickie, inspiring narrative.

I'd extrapolate and use a baseball analogy.  Hey, it's America's favorite past-time.  Yeah, right.  Maybe back in the mid 1950's.  Anyway, the current math (844-543) translates to 8-5.  Let's round down.  After Tuesday, it'll probably be 9-6 or something like that.  Before Trump breaks the 1,000 mark, here's what I'd say in my concession speech.

"Well, lemme tell the voters a little secret.  Life on the road to the presidency is a lot like a game of baseball.  We're currently in the 7th inning stretch and heading to Indiana.  Well, there are still a few innings left.  Donald wants me to pack it in and forfeit the game.  Well, I've never heard of any team that decided to just give up in the 7th.  The score is 9-6.  Ya wanna know something?  The game's not over and I'm not giving up.  And hey, sometimes these things go into extra innings.  You wanna know where we're gonna have overtime??? Well, it's a city called Cleveland.  It's this summer in July and I can't wait to celebrate my freedom!!!"  (misc. cheers and huzzahs erupt from a run-down Econolodge ballroom on the outskirts of South Bend or Gary or wherever)  

When you use the "this game is headed for extra innings," play up the notion of how we got there.  Because Trump had poor management, nobody in the scouting department, no vendors, no ushers, nobody doing payroll.  He just thought that he could win it all alone.  Well Donald, there is no "I" in team.  Use Trump's greatest qualities against him --- narcissism, arrogance, unbridled enthusiasm, etc.  Use all that shit to his detriment.

This does a few things.  One, it makes Ted Cruz look like more of a populist, commoner.  A character trait he is severely lacking.  He needs to relate better to Joe 6-pack Republican, not suburban housewife on a steady diet of Prozac, Starbucks and circus peanuts.  Right now, he still resembles more of a creepy insurance actuary or disaffected funeral mortician.

It's also a superior narrative as opposed to talking about the rules committee and the potential for backroom deals and bribery, the art of persuasion with delegates and super delegates.  Steer clear of the precision details.  Ironically, it's the part you excel at... but you shouldn't bring it up.  Gives off a seedy vibe. 

This baseball idea also portrays him as the underdog, fighting a courageous comeback against a billionaire bully.  Americans love the story of a comeback.  Whether its the 1980 amateur Olympic hockey team, or the big 2016 Villanova victory, or Leicester City winning the English Premier League (5,000-1 odds at the beginning of the season)... as if anyone reading this blog has the slightest clue of what I'm talking about.

And when you use the reference the baseball analogy, don't forget to mention that a small market team (KC Royals), with one of the lowest MLB payrolls, beat the big league NY Mets in the World Series last year.  That was 2015... and guess what, it's 2016.  

Anyway, heading into the heartland, this is Cruz's last stand.  He already did that fucked up Duck Dynasty commercial with bayou god-father Phil Roberston.

Trust me, Teddy.  My idea is far less of a stretch.  And you needn't engage in the duck-quackery and simulated backwoods farting noises.

If all else fails, you should trot out that disturbing look-a-like who showed up for a paternity test on the Maury Show.  Perfect for Indiana.

Just hold a news conference and tell everyone that the two of you are going to put a stop to every abortion.  Rape?  Doesn't matter.  Incest?  Who cares, it's called "keeping it in the family."  Life of the mother?  Well, my daytime doppleganger is willing to give her own life to protect the sanctity of her unborn child.  Shouldn't every woman be that courageous... to accept a death sentence over a medical procedure?  Cheers from the crowd --- Kill her!  Burn her at the stake.  Make her repent!  Sacrifice her to our Gaaawwwwd!

When it comes to the next Commander-in-Chief..... Ted... (dramatic pause) you are the President!  

E-gad!  Don't worry about me though.  I'm gonna be relocating to a more diverse, open-minded region of the world.  I hear that Yemen is the new Dubai. 

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