Monday, June 27, 2005

Beef Jerky

A week ago I was having a discussion with my friend Ben. It centered on a topic vital to the interests of mankind - Which is the best beef jerky? These days there certainly are a myriad of choices. Just walk in any convenience store or gas station and you are immediately assualted by about 20 different brands. They come in stick form, vaccuum packed pouch, wrinkled shreds, oil smothered cubes, etc. Most of the formats are relatively disgusting. What's really sickening is the smell that permeates your vehicle when you open a slim jim.
Anyway, we agreed that it all comes down to 2 choices - Wild Bills or Lonestar. All the others suck. I have always been a major proponent of Wild Bills. I even went on their website and purchased a Wild Bills t-shirt (this could be the first t-shirt I've purchased in 4 years or so). I refuse to buy one of those slick Old Navy or American Eagle t-shirts. After all, wearing an Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirt is not exactly a beacon for individuality. However, it does go well with your personalized license plate that says ERIC7 (that's because numbers 1-6 were already taken). I digress.
Here are some pros and cons:

Wild Bills is from Lancaster, PA. Lonestar is from Fairmont, WV. I'm not exactly sure which state is superior. I do know one thing. When I have discussions with West Coast strangers, I usually tell the I'm from Pittsburgh. Here's why - if I say I'm from West Virginia, they'll usually respond, "Oh, where in Virginia?" or "You don't sound like you've got much of a southern accent." If I tell them Pittsburgh, they seem less confused. Every once in a while, I'll get the response "Where in Pittsburgh?" I'll blatantly lie and respond "Canonsburg" - if they inquire further and tell me they know the area, I'll admit the lie and explain that I'm from Wheeling. On this side-note, Wild Bills gets the nod.
Wild Bills is a bit more on the smoky side. Lonestar on the tangy side. I'd have to vote for Wild Bills.
Wild Bills comes in a re-sealable large bag and is better suited for consumption while golfing. Lonestar comes in this tedious vaccuum packed pouch. Wild Bills gets the sonofsaf award for packaging superiority.
Wild Bills comes in large strips, Lonestar in tiny shredded pieces. This one is closer to a toss-up. It basically depends on ones preference. I would tend to steer towards Wild Bills.
Wild Bills is all about being wild or knowing someone Bill. Either of these are ok. Lonestar sounds too Texas-oriented. And let's face the facts, Texas sucks. Whether it's George Bush Jr., the Dallas Cowboys, or the idiots who name their children after every city in the state of Texas (Dallas, Houston, Austin, Tyler, the list goes on and on with the exception of Rio Grande), everything that is wrong with America can usually be associated with Texas.
All in all, Wild Bills is the resounding winner. You can purchase it at the former Mull's grocery store near Oglebay Village apts. or the Exxon in Center Wheeling. Other than those 2 places, it's very difficult to find it in the correct format.
Make sure it comes in the large bag. It costs $5.99 so be prepared to splurge. It's worth it.


G Max said...


Personally, I like the shredded Wild Bills that comes in the plastic canister. I like to put in my back pocket because it looks like a can of Skoal. People chew Skoal are cool and I want to be cool too.

Jay said...

Personally I've gotta go with the candy cigarettes that are dyed red on the end to make it look realistic. Now that's cool.

sonofsaf said...

The plastic container lends itself to anonymous groping of jerky. I suppose if you're G Max, you tend to enjoy this hands on approach. If this makes you cool, so be it.

hhlebiczki said...

GMax, it is always like you to preach tolerance.

sonofsaf said...

Valid point. On sonofsaf, freedom of expression is encouraged, not discouraged.

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