Monday, September 01, 2008

FARM USE

Yesterday was an interesting one. I did an airport run around noon. Picked up these two retired football coaches and zipped them down to Wheeling Island for the Don Nehlen Classic "Friends of Coal" event. One of the guys was Dick McPherson. The name sounded familiar but I just couldn't place what team he used to coach - this will eventually become slightly relevant. Anyway, I threw them in the back and off we went. Is it me, or does "The Friends of Coal" sound pretty lame? Couldn't they have configured a better motto; perhaps, "Coal Country" or "The Future is Coal" but really, "Friends of Coal?" I just don't like the idea of people befriending a black geological source of energy. Anyway, it was an uneventful ride to the hotel, with the exception of cops out EVERYWHERE. Of course it was Labor Day weekend, but this was ridiculous. Cops basically lined route 7 and littered parts of 22 and the Island. Between the hour ride up and back, I saw about 28 cruisers. No joke.
I NEVER discuss limo-oriented tips in an open forum, but the man I alluded to earlier emptied his entire wallet for my tip. "Hmmm, that's all I got." Three dollars. Later that night, his true identity would be revealed.
Onto round 2. I was supposed to take up a group from Washington, PA to Crue Fest (Motley Crue, Buckcherry, Papa Roach, 6am and Trapt) at Starlake. Just as I was preparing to leave, I get a call from Jenn D. "Eric would you be interested in letting someone ride co-pilot tonight?" Turns out Kelly Z. wanted to make the trek. This was one of the rare times I had an actual front seat on the passenger side so I acquiesced. Plus, I knew the crew I was taking wouldn't mind. Plus, how could anyone deny Kelly the rite of concert passage? It was nice to have company for a change. My usual limo has a plastic control panel where the seat is; thus, making it unsittable.
We made it to Washington at 6pm and picked up 4 fine looking women (Nichole, Gigi, Melanie and Jackie). Two were wild, two were tame. Kelly is wild and I am tame. So it provided a nice balance - 3 wild, 3 tame. So it was me and the 5 hotties - a refreshing change of pace. Took the back road (18 North) to Starlake. The place was pretty full when we arrived, no traffic. I'd say about 18,800 people showed up for this one. A few minutes after we parked in the oversized vehicle section, a massive military looking Hummer parked beside us. 25 guys in their early twenties jumped out of the back. They threw down a keg and a row of them just started pissing in a line-up. Kelly remarked about how one guy was taking a shit underneath the vehicle. This may or may not have happened. I honestly don't know. On the side of the military vehicle, in bold painted lettering, it read "FARM USE." I could already tell that trouble was brewing. These guys were pretty gooned up. I spoke briefly with this one guy wearing a blond wig and he said they lived about ten minutes down the road. Out of the twenty or so, none had tickets. Hmmmm, a bunch of testosterone fucks from the WV/PA border with no tickets and a ton of beer and liquor at a Motley Crue concert. Let's just say that Hurricane Gustav was en route.
We all hung out and enjoyed the sites and sounds. Ran into Scottie and Schneid as well. They'd be the recipients of two freebies compliments of our leader. One elderly blond-fried woman with an ill-fitting green tank top sat down to take a breather. She was trying to simultaneously fight with her husband, slam a beer and reposition her boobs. Another woman in a black leather mini-skirt took a brief piggyback ride atop the shoulders of her boyfriend. Her ass on total display as everyone cheered, jeered and some took photos. A group of girls walked by and engaged all of us. A few wandered next door into the piss fest. One of the girls boyfriend got into an argument with one of the testosterone fucks and ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. Punches started flying and this one dude's nose was bent sideways, blood streaming all over the place. Simutaneously, there were 3 seperate outbreaks. A mob scene slammed into the side of the limo and crushed the side mirror. The lot attendants and parking guys called in for police back up, but that would take a while. Meanwhile, the brawl would continue unabated. Nichole looked at me, "Eric, do something!" I'm like, "Yeah, like what? Dive on top of the brawl? Try to preach Obama themes of peace and tolerance? What the fuck could I have done? I just silently observed and continued making keychains for the girls. Gigi remarked, "Eric, way to go with your knitting!" Well said. This fight seemed to last about 6 minutes. It had an inertia of its own so there wasn't any stopping it. Until the cops all rolled in. 4 cops and more golf cart security. When the pigs entered the fray, I missed a golden opportunity. As people scattered and some took off for the woods, I should have yelled, "PREPARE TO BE FUCKED BY THE LONG DICK OF THE LAW" (from the movie Superbad). That would have rocked the house. Would have.
I neglected to mention that 2 chicks were right in the middle of the brawl. A tattooed blond with a grey tank top was on top of the pile pummelling this one guy with what I'd call "fists of fury, UFC style." I think she was trying to help her boyfriend whose face was being driven into the gravel surface. All in all, they hauled off 4 of the guys. A few bloody faces and 2 broken noses, one severely. The cops interviewed me and I complained about the side mirror and the blood on the limo. They kept asking me who threw punches. I said, "Well, honestly it was a mob scene so it was hard to tell." In reality, the only one I clearly remember throwing punches was the one girl, but I couldn't rat her out. That would have been blatantly assholic. This had to be one of the biggest fights I've ever seen at Starlake. Big on quantity, duration and brutality. Actually, I've seen worse in the brutality department but this one was pretty heavy. From here on out, the fight will be known as Gustav. The fallout of Gustav - one more arrest for failure to obey/disorderly and a few girls crying. My crew went entirely unscathed. Gigi filled out a verbal police report of her own. All I could see was her repeating something to the effect of, "They're all a bunch of assholes." Probably not sustainable testimony in a court of law.
Buckcherry took the stage and we all wandered in. They had seats and we had lawn so we all kind of separated on the way in. Kelly seemed to enjoy the sights and sounds of Buckcherry. I did not. Some tattooed, high stepping freak singer screaming his tunes and talking at length about fucking and ball grabbing. As the final song Crazy Bitch closed out their set, we wandered down to the lower walkway and ran into Nichole and Gigi. They said it was pretty packed in the pavillion, so we opted to refrain fromt he "ticket hand-off sneak down." We ended up on the hill side with fellow limo driver Darryl. Kelly went to the restroom and got "lost" in the process. I took a look for her but didn't have any luck.
All in all, Motley Crue was pretty good. Tommy Lee pulled out the video "TIT E. CAM" and took a sampling of Breasts of Burgettstown. Mildy amusing. They sounded a bit rough. This was the final show of the North American tour and he was a little raspy. Keep in mind, they're all in their late 40's. And Mick Mars looked beyond hideous. The had to trenchcoat and tophat him. Basically, just cover up the entire guy in black so he blends into the background. Mick probably gets my vote for the ugliest rock star of all-time. All the Motorhead guys and even the lead singer of Grim Reaper are more visually appealing.
I left the show a little early and hooked up with Darryl. He informed me that Dick McPherson used to be the head coach of the New England Patriots. Fuck! A golden opportunity to rail on Bill Belicheck to someone with a pertinent opinion. Actually, I've always like Belicheck. Just don't tell anyone. Made it back to the limo and the military Hummer had just exited. Can't complain about that.
All in all, GREAT TIME. GREAT CREW. GOOD CRUE. I think there might be an unwritten chapter in this one. Well, at least I hope so. Time will tell.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

sounds exciting!

i enjoyed reading it.
Amanda Pe