Monday, September 15, 2008

The plan

Alright, the plan to take down John McCain is taking shape. Normally, I'd maintain a certain level of discretion and not divulge details of the operation, but I really wanted to get this whole black-op in writing. Plus, the only perosn who reads this thing is Amanda. Also, if you take the time read it, perhaps you'll have some valuable input. Feel free to give me a call.
In the final 7 weeks of the campaign, there is a good possiblity that John McCain will schedule a town-hall style meeting in the area. He has a campaign stop near Youngstown tomorrow, but that's more of a "victory rally." He has a town hall meeting later in the week in Michigan, but that's a little too far. I'm sure he'll hit the Pittsburgh and or East Ohio area within the next month or so. At one of these town hall meetings, there will be a plant in the audience. This "plant" will be in the form of a girl and boy, roughly 8-10 years of age. I already have three children in mind. It is not uncommon for a child to ask the candidate a question at these events. They must usually submit the question in advance, so it's imperative to have the "fake" questions ready to roll. The two fugazi questions...

From the female child, "Senator McCain, I love soccer. Your running mate likes hockey. Which do you think is better and why?" I want her wearing a "modern Shirly Templesque outfit a la good ship lollipop."
From the male child, "Senator McCain, Can you write me a note for my teacher so I don't have to do tonight's homework?" I want this kid wearing a McCain/Palin 2008 t-shirt.

Obviously, these questions will not be posed. The real questions will closely resemble the following.

Assuming the town hall meeting takes place near Pittsburgh, the male or female child will ask this question. "Mr. McCain, we just went to the Carnegie Science Center and saw the dinosaurs. I love dinosaurs. Your running mate thinks they're only 4,000 years old. I think there a hundred million years old. Which one of us is right?"
This question is an absolute killer. First off, because his campaign is so poorly managed, I doubt McCain is well vetted concerning oddball questions about Palin. I'm sure he has answers for her stances on energy, trooper-gate and most other things, but I seriously doubt he has a solid response for this line of attack. The beauty of the question is that it leaves McCain stammering and disoriented. This question basically follows the line, "How many times have you beaten your wife?" There's no good way to repsond, especially to a child. And even better, the child can pretty much say anything he wants and get away with it. The whole "dinosaur" question works on a few different levels. First, it makes Palin look like an oddball creationist, whether she is or not. Doesn't really matter - it's all about the perception. Second, it invokes the fake internet quotes about how dinosaurs are "the lizards of Satan" and how it was part of god's plan for them to become extinct - so they could become fuel to power our pickup trucks and snowmobiles. This stuff has a life of its own, especially when a child brings it to the forefront.
Regardless, of McCain's answer, we'll have the after-interviews ready to go. I like the idea of myself being interviewed on the local news. "Well, I had very intention of voting for McCain until that kid asked that one question. I'm just not sure I want a Vice-President who thinks dinosaurs and humans coexisted. I mean, does she really belive in the Flintstones? That's just a bit too unsettling."
Another response, "To be honest, I'm still undecided. But I'll tell you what, I don't think I like his education platform if it includes teaching kids that dinsoaurs roamed the earth about 5,000 years ago."
And of course, I'll have some brief letters to the editor and a few select national periodicals (definitely USA Today) ready to go. My new Pittsburgh connection will come in very handy helping to assure the after-comments make the news.
The second question (probably from the male child) has two variations. "Mr. McCain, I got an email that says you don't know how to use email. Would you like me to show you how?" or "Grandpa, (nervously) errr uhhh, Mr. McCain, my grandpa says you don't know how to send an email. Would you like me to show you how?"
This question works on a few levels as well. First, it's embarrassingly true. The good senator has been on record several times saying, "I don't use email" and similar stuff to that effect. This reveals him as an old-timer who's not in sync with even the simplest modern technology. Plus, just the mere thought of a child teaching Grandpa McCain how to press the send button is great late-night talk show material. The interviews that would follow for the news would include the following - "Maybe Sentaor McCain should appoint that kid to a cabinet level position. Sounded like maybe he could use a technology czar." or "John McCain, email really isn't that confusing. All you do is hit the button that says inobx."
After the 2 questions have been posed (not at the same event - that's highly unlikely you'd get to drill off both questions), you could offer this one up, "Well, I've heard of the vast right wing conspiracy, but I think John McCain has a problem with the vast 8 year old conspiracy."
The most important part is to have the after-blitz READY TO ROLL. MSNBC and other mainstream news outlets would love nothing more than to have a slightly, smart-alecky kid taking on John McCain. Makes for great you-tube fodder as well as instant cult-celebrity status for the child. I could even forsee a late night talk show appearance on Leno or Letterman. We'll need a little luck, too. McCain has shown a strong committment to the town-hall style format. This could be his achilles heal. The next 7 weeks could offer up one of the greatest opportunities - to hijack the 2008 election. Would I like to be a part of this historic endeavor? Sure. Why not?
This entire operation hinges upon one central theme. It's difficult for a voter to cast a ballot for a politician that has been mocked or made a fool of. Remember, that Bush commercial with Dukakis wearing the helmet when he was going for a ride in the tank. That one commercial absolutely butchered his campaign. Most people take their vote very personally. The last thing you want to do is vote for the guy who looks like a fool, because it will make you feel like a fool.
This entire campaign is crying out for one big watershed event. You can argue all you want about taxes, govt. spending, the war, etc. until you're blue in the face. The real truth - the country is still divided right down the middle. The timing and placement for this scheme is just way too obvious. And the media would EAT IT UP... They'd eat it up faster than Anna Ashby Anna Grubler German shotput artist. One day the world will hear her words. This proclamation will resonate through the swing states. "LEAVE ME ALONE! I"M EATIN."


Anonymous said...

Eric, that PLAN is funny as hell!

I have NEW respect for your evil

R. Scott Steele

G Max said...

I thought it was decided this was a terrible idea. I'd still love to see you give it a shot.

Or, you should just accept the fact along with all Obama supporters that John McCain will be our next president. The old white guy always wins.

sonofsaf said...

The original idea had merit, but it was directed at Palin. Gotta go directly after McCain with a mock and ridicule delivery. Screw all the people who donate money to political campaigns. If you pull off this one it has the financial equivalence of about 15-20 million.
It would cost about a half tank of gas to get the town hall meeting. Plus, lunch/dinner is on me. Well, it would run about 40 bucks or so. Not too bad.

Anonymous said...

Not sure what I could do to help, I could play the mom role once.
I want to be there for it.