I know. I know. Saf, you've got to get on board. There's a technological revolution going on and you're not a part of it. It's not only informative, but it's so much fun! It's called texting! Yessssss!
A few days ago, I received about 6 text messages that all said the exact same thing - "MERRY CHRISTMAS." Aside from the fact that I'm hardcore atheist Jew, I have no idea what purpose this serves. Is it supposed to fill my heart with joy? The idea that someone took 20 seconds to type a standard, generic greeting and then hit the SEND ALL button. Am I supposed to reply to these things? Does it really help anyone if I type "GO STEELERS" and send it to everyone, including my ailing great aunt who's on a respirator in a nursing home in Chattanooga? Don't worry, no such person exists, but I think you get the drift.
I just don't get the excitement of it all. Why do people find this course of action so compelling? What do they hope to achieve? It's almost on the same level as those email chain letters - copy this message about a "mayonnaise angel" that miraculously appeared in my fucking ham'n'swiss sandwich. And lest you be condemned to eternal damnation if thou dost not send it to everyone in thy inbox. Fuck this shit.
What's even more comical is when there's a woman sitting alone in a bar frantically texting someone. They stare deep into the heart of their I-Phone and furiously hit every button conceivable in a desperate attempt to conceal the fact that they have no life. I know, it's crazy. They're trying to pretend that the weight of the world is upon their shoulders as they tediously text away. You'd better not even say hi. Human contact is of no relevance. They must finish the message. Everything depends on it. My mother must be kept fully apprised of how bad my cramps are. I need to tell my brother in Colorado that I'm so stuffed after eating 2 Big Macs.
So here's the deal. You might think it's harmless and fun to text everyone "HAPPY NEW YEAR" tomorrow at midnight. I'll have an instantaneous, lengthy response drafted, saved and ready to reply....
Fuck you, scum. The message you just sent is entirely devoid of human interest. Your attempt to generate false enthusiasm is typical of your desire to embrace AMATEUR NIGHT. Here's a New Years resolution for you. Stick that cell phone up your ass. Lemiwinks wants to text everyone...
"STRAIGHT FROM THE ASS OF MR. SLAVE, HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!"