Stop Smoking Bowl

I was checking out all the weird names of the college bowl games. Some of these sponsors are downright bizarre.

Beef O'Brady's Bowl - I had to research this. I assumed it was some kind of canned Dinty Moore Beef Stew product. I don't spend a lot of time in the canned meat aisle with the Chef Boyardee ravioli or sifting through the endless Spaghettio concoctions. So I googled Beef O' Brady and discovered that it's actually an Irish themed pub/restaurant chain. I had no idea. 240 locations based mostly in the South. I'll be damned! Ask me the following, "Saf, where do you want to go for dinner?" I hardly envision myself firing back, "I'm really in the mood for Beef O'Brady's!" It just doesn't sound like something I'd say. Perhaps Rosie O'Donnell says shit like that, but not me.

How about The Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman? What the fuck is that? Why are defense contractors actively involved in college football? Yeah, I know. Army, Navy, Air Force... that I understand. It's a proud tradition. But 10 years from now, I'm guessing we'll see the "Secure the Ramadi Pipeline Bowl presented by Halliburton & Friends" or maybe the "End Genital Mutilation Outreach Bowl." I understand we're a violent nation but does Northrop Grumman really need to invade our living rooms. Truth be told, when the volume level increases dramatically during the commercials, it does sound like bombs going off.

Little Caesars Pizza Bowl? This one has been around for a while. Where else but downtown Detroit for this dough-based extravaganza of crapulence? No sauce, just garlic salt please. It is dirt cheap though. 5 bucks for a large. I still don't understand the mystery of the "Little Caesars in Woodsdale at the top of Chicken Neck Hill." I do like the sound of that. Seriously though, what the fuck is going on? That place folded in 1992 and then almost 20 years later, it makes a triumphant return to the exact same location. Who's behind this Pizza Pizza madness? Who's responsible for plaguing my mind with this Julius Caesar cartoon character? Portraying him as a benevolent endorser of shitty pizza when he was more likely a ruthless military leader who presided over the "games" (senseless killings for the sole purpose of entertainment).

And how about the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl? If I owned a company and bought the naming rights, I wouldn't name it the Saferstein Atheist Jew Bowl. I realize that you're proud of your family and their rise to dominance in the crowded hotel/motel marketplace. I get it. But why would you want to actively advertise the "gay" part? The first thing it makes me think of is Ben Stiller in Meet the Parents. When he's asked, So your name's Gaylord Focker? So your name is Gay Focker? I'll be the first to admit - I'm very supportive of gay rights, but this sponsor makes me want to bring back a "don't ask, don't tell, don't advertise" perspective. Maybe there should be a "Fag Hag Trojan Condom Bowl." Secure that niche on behalf of all those queens who hang with the hot chicks at the techno-bars.

There's also the Poulan Weed-Eater Bowl. If I were in charge, this one's a no-brainer. The name would immediately be changed to Poulan Weed-Whacker Bowl. It would make for some great slogans. Maybe some kind of nationwide masturbation contest during halftime. Bring out Pee Wee Herman to the 50 yard line and let him do his thing. I'm surprised more celebrities haven't been caught up in the solo whacking dragnet. Maybe in my lifetime, public masturbation will becum socially acceptable. Dare to dream...

Another one quickly approaching is the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl. Yes! Kraft is here with a tray of sharp cheddar. They will do their damndest to stop hunger nationwide. Kind of ironic considering that the United States boasts the largest percentage of morbidly obese people who suffer from malnutrition. Maybe they should team up with Beef O' Brady's. Perhaps they already have. Or better yet, maybe they could team up with the 19th Ho and smother more cheese on that monster basket of french fries. And yes, I want the spattering of baco-bits and extra ranch dressing. I'm reminded of a luncheon at the Swing Club about 5 years ago when one of my friends said, and I quote, "I'll have the Cheeseburger Pleaser Platter with Extra Cheese, Please!" I'm not going to name names on this one. But I did have the equivalent of an epileptic seizure. I still shake violently every time I walk through the door of that trendy Fulton hot spot.

So what's your point Saf? Don't you usually have some kind of overriding theme? Well as a matter of fact, I jew. Sorry, I meant to say "I do." And here it is...

I think Chantix should secure the rights to one of these bowls. For those who are unfamiliar with Chantix, it's a pill designed to help people quit smoking. I'm pretty sure it's manufactured and distributed by Pfizer. My point - you could call it the

CHANTIX STOP SMOKING BOWL

And it would coincide perfectly with the time around New Years when everyone makes their stop smoking cigarettes resolutions. This would have REAL advertising power. You could design the commercials around real testimonials from people who are going to quit smoking during the bowl game. Why wait til New Years? This would make for an incredibly strong marketing gimmick. And it would secure the dominance of Chanitx in the marketplace. If I were going to quit smoking*, I'd probably jump on board the Chantix lovetrain. Fuck Nicorette. Hey, that would make a great name for a baby on Maury Povich paternity testing. In the case of 5 month old Nicoretta, you are NOT the father!

Also, it makes a pharmaceutical company appear to be actively concerned with the social fabric of society on the heels of an inevitable Wikileaks mass destruction campaign. After Julian Assange sodomizes Bank of America and the other venerable monetary institutions, his future intentions are clear. He plans to penetrate the drug pushers. Man, I love this guy. What a complete bad ass. He really is one man changing the planet earth. The epitome of all that shit I yap about, specifically the marginalization of the power of the state, the decentralization of authority, and most importantly, the sudden shift in the rising power of random individuals. It makes me think of another Bowl game - the GoDaddy.com Bowl.

Julian Assange. You are the daddy (Maury Povich style)! And the studio audience rises to their feet, "Go Daddy Go! Go Daddy Go!" Perhaps there's a place for Maury Povich in some of this bowl congested nonsense. Then again, maybe someday they'll have a bowl playoff system. Yeah right! If you really think that's ever going to happen, you should probably stick with the Ford vs. Chevy debate. Stay in your comfort zone, asshole.

* - I smoked Marlboro Lights for about 10 years (1990-2000). I quit cold turkey the day after the 2000 Superbowl when the Ravens dismantled the Giants. The day after the Superbowl is the best time to quit smoking. Because there's nothing that happens in this god-forsaken town for an entire month. At least that's my theory. I have other psychological strategies that worked. Feel free to ask. I don't feel like typing anymore.

And just an aside - it's wildcard weekend. Could this be the first time you witness all 4 upsets in the first round? Seattle (+10) and Kansas City (+3) - (both home underdogs) and the Jets (+2.5) and the Pack (+2.5) - light upsets on the road. I ran the numbers and if you parlay all 4 upsets, it's a 64-1 shot. I don't think it's going to happen, but if there were ever an occasion for all 4 underdogs, it's this year. Fuck all of them. Go Stillers n'at.