Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Maury Povich executive producer Paul Faulhaber

There's a sharp dressed man who slightly resembles a youthful Drew Carey except he's more physically fit and better looking.  He lurks in the backstage bowels of the Maury Povich set.   Located near the green room amidst the enticing influences of sexy decoys, he provides a calm sense of reassurance to wayward guests.  Jubilant men who have been proven not to be the baby daddy.  Hysterical women that just discovered their husband of 2 years has cheated with over 35 women, roughly 200 times.  Perhaps he's consoling twin sisters, Venetia and Croatia.  Neither was able to establish paternity for their two girls, aptly named Uneek and Booteek.  But rest assured, when the shit hits the fan, none of the other Maury staff members will truly step up.  When the going gets tough, we can only rely on the even-keeled temperament of Paul Faulhaber.  I hold this truth to be self-evident.  Think about it...

Conflict resolution artist Trisha Goddard?   Well, she only shows up a few times a year.  She's currently in England penning her memoirs, probably at a pub in Manchester. 

What about that absurdly muscular, crew-cutted, tattooed behemoth?   The secret investigative, special black-ops, inspector-detector Dave Vitalli?  This guy is clearly "the shit."  He came up with a devious plan to expose the trustworthiness of some 19 year old McDonald's employee from Toledo, Ohio.  It was actually him texting that guy all night long.  It was Dave doing the sexting.  It wasn't that lingerie super model begging "Chingy" for a kiss and playfully admitting to an unusually intense desire to catch a glimpse of his private parts.  What a cunning, brilliant mind at work.  Dave, you had us all fooled.

Or what about the host of that show Cheaters, our good friend Joey Greco?  Well, he ain't gonna sully his reputation chasing down some dumbshit overturning chairs and punching walls in the corridor.  That wasn't part of his job description.  He's only there for one reason - to ascertain the origin of the used condom and mysterious sex stains.  Maybe it was "melting makeup."  I do not know.

How about any of the seemingly endless parade of fictitious interns?  Regrettably, they don't really exist.  News flash - they never have and never will.  It's all part of a relatively cunning operation to redirect federal money from the Department of Education.  Hopefully, when Rick Perry becomes president he'll shut down the whole damn program.  Atta boy, Rick! 

So what's my point?  Well, I've got some advice for Maury Povich executive producer Paul Faulhaber.  When anyone graces the Maury set, you need to display the city they're from.  This is pure gold and long overdue.  Every once in a while, distinguished guests will blurt out where they're from.

"When we get back to Shy-town, I'm throwing your ass out on the curb.  DEUCES!"
"Maury, he ain't livin' with me.  He can go live with that skank ho in Kentucky.  She dirty."
"BOO BACK!  BOO BACK!  BOO BACK!  Brooklyn baby!  HOLLA!"

I hope that's sufficient.

So let me make my appeal.  Paul, you've already proven that you're the true genius behind all that is Maury Show.  Without you, Maury would only be known as Connie Chung's bitch.  Not the worst distinction if it's from a dominatrix perspective.  "Maury is a smarmy sniveling worm" - say that 10X fast.  But yeah, you need to flash the name of the city or town of a guest's origin.  It means so much more and helps the viewer better relate.  When I see a routine dumb ass... of course I vicariously embrace them.  But if it read "Zanesville, Ohio" or "Paden City, WV,"  I would go absolutely apeshit.  Hell, I'd enjoy it if it read "Spokane, Washington" and I've never even been there.

Using those city taglines or "hypertext screen scrollers" or whatever the fuck they're called.  This is what made Playboy channel's Naughty Amateur Home Videos such a hit.  No viewers care about exactly who these random weirdos are.  We just want to know where they're from.  That's what makes it.  If I'm living in Mesa and an interracial comes on the screen (preferably dark black man with albino redhead chick), I need to know the following... "Who the fuck are these people?  Where are they from?"  Then it comes on the screen... Tempe, AZ.  Now that's what we call hook, line and sinker.

Paul Faulhaber - get this done and I'll make you a personalized hemp key chain that reads...

Paul "Enthrall" Haber

In this case, my word is my bond.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

The Maury Show is the most pathetic example of a man with absolutley no pride in himself or his "work"..it is base, vile, and as ignorant as anything one can even imagine....what the hell is wrong with you, as his producer to allow this tripe on the air???

Anonymous said...

Does anyone know what's going on with the back part of Paul's head? The hair looks as if it was singed in a fire

sonofsaf said...

Excellent observation. I happen to be the son of a dermatologist. I believe it's just a moderate case of alopecia.

alslaton@gmail.com said...

Is Faulhaber a trained phsycologist and if not he should stick to being an executive producer only

eric saferstein said...

My ultimate dream is for Maury to turn on Faulhaber. Stick him in the green room with some sexy decoys. They could run their fingers through his hair, or lack thereof.