Monday, January 02, 2012

Steelers will crucify Tebow

I should have learned.  Never put your faith in the Cincinnati Bengalis or the Buffalo "B-Dub" Bills.  Chan Gay's team is up 21-0 and they sacrifice 49 unanswered points.  That's gotta be a record somewhere.  And then, Cincy can't finish in da' house against the thuggish purple clowns.  My point - our destination point was Denver from the git go.  Why the fuck did I even go through the motions?

When I saw the Pitt at Denver line this morning, I surmised their must be demonic influences at work.  The line is Pittsburgh -8!  You gotta be kidding me.  I thought it would be Steelers (-3.5).  Isn't this a playoff game on the road?  And that's after the recent Mendanhall injury, a hobbled raping burger and the absence of Ryan Clark (the ol' high altitude does not mix with sickle cell anemia excuse).  You never see that one listed in the injury update.  I vaguely remember Thurman Thomas having a bruised liver back in the late 90's.  It left you with this queasy, hollow feeling.

But Pixburgh is going to have to overcome something of far greater magnitude, something far more vast, something above and beyond... and that would obviously be a Christian combolicious tri-deity.  But wait a minute.  Hold the cell phone for cryin' out loud.  It just so happens, Big Ben worships the same entity.  Now what the fuck should we do?  Well... I figured it out.  We should root for the guy that prays the loudest.  God likes it that way.  This came to me in a dream last night.  A dream whose manifestation was derived from a rare combination of Jameson Irish whiskey and a rosemary-laden sauerkraut-pierogi-kielbasa-pork crock-around-the-clock concoction.  Let me reiterate this vision... volume = holy bliss and eternal sanctity.  And not just in football. This applies to all walks of life.  People need to know that the louder they pray, the more rewards they shalt reap.  Ohhh, the blessings.  On the televangelist circuit, we call it "harvesting a 10,000 dollar miracle bounty."

Anyhoo, I think this is Tebow's ultimate chance to die for the sins of the Broncos (and to a lesser extent, memorialize Jon Benet Ramsey - sorry).  Anytime the choir boy takes a snap from the shotgun formation, he must staunchly pose in the rarely seen "cross formation."  Imagine all those who would be touched by this unselfish act (see... God is using Tebow to communicate his will).  God requires meager human beings to vicariously express himself.  Our empty lives invariably touched for eternity.  In that same moment, here comes James Harrison fresh off suspension for the Colt McCoy concussion head shot.  Lo and behold, it's another blow to the head.  Months later, Tebow will sue him in a court of law.  His claim... the unethical helmet-to-helmet contact altered his perception of reality.  He actually began to toy with the dreaded prospect of non-belief in the almighty.  King James, you have been smited (past tense smote).  For this nation is smitten by Tebow.

But wait, it's not over.  Just as Tebow is about to announce his desire to "turn the other cheek," Casey Hampton (not to be confused with Casey Anthony - once again, sorry) smothers him with an abundance of gock.  For those unfamiliar with the term gock, it's merely a triumphant combination of gut and cock.  At the conclusion of this much-heralded gock-sack, Hampton sits on Timmy.  This evokes fond memories of a bad Happy Days episode featuring the funeral parlor Candyman villain.

Still, Tebow will absorb additional punishment.  For it is William Gay cuming on the corner blitz.  And just as he doth protest this relentless sodomization, a hostile pubic mass comes marching in.  Well metaphorically speaking, that's Troy Polamalu's Lloyd's of London, million dollar insured groin hair.   

I think you get the gist.  Still, the spread seems a bit high.  I do like the under at 35.5 though.  Vegas sharps must be thinking the same thing.  Hence...

Steelers 21 Broncos 3

Since I'm on that kick, here's my wildcard picks.

I'd take the Falcons (+3) at New York Giants.  Falcons are a decent road team and G-Men are coming off not one, but two, overly emotional games (Jets w/ the trash talking and Cowboys w/ the playoffs on the line).  I'd go Falcons 24  Giants 17.  Matt Ryan will win the game late.  And Eli won't be afforded the chance for a comeback.

The Cincy at Houston game's an interesting one.  Cincy has that nothing to lose, young punk attitude.  And their run defense is WAY better than it's looked the past few weeks.  I kind of like Cincy in another upset... say 21 to 20.  Think of it as payback for the 20-19 scoreline from a few weeks ago. 

Now the Saints are completely bad ass.  They are the ONLY team that stands a chance in Green Bay.  I just cannot fathom Detroit getting the upset here.  The spread is New Orleans -9.5.  I think Drew Brees will light it up early and have them playing catch up for the second half.  I could see the Lions doing a late back-door cover though.  Maybe Saints 51  Lions 45.  This could be the biggest total in playoff history.  Remember that Green Bay at Arizona playoff game from a few years ago.  Same premise.

So yeah, that's 3 road teams and 1 home team.  I just fed in the numbers and it's all 4 teams ($10 to win $68).  That's just picking winners, not spreads.  If you do the lines, it's $10 to win $123.  I'll do neither and just pray for a Pittsburgh victory.  But for the love of god, let me just say one thing god damn-it.   If we lose to this god-boy, I will renounce my faith in god.  But if there really is a god, and he happens to stumble across this blog (as he likely would the millisecond it autosaves through a time-honored policy of obsessive-compulsive omniscience), allow me to suggest that the time has come to... Crucify Tim Tebow.  Hey, they're playing on god's day of rest.  I wonder if the sacrilicious Timmy will be skipping church this Sunday.  Talk about measurable disdain for the Sabbath and keeping it holy.  Anyway, Steelers need to nail Tim Tebow to the cross.  That douchebag needs purified.  Think of it as modernizing the whole religious bit for sports junkies.  Kind of like what Fox News would do if Herman Cain played basketball. 

And call me crazy, but I just can't see Romney winning the Iowa caucuses tomorrow.  My hunch is the following order...

1) Ron "the nut" Paul
2) Mitt "the shit" Romney
3) Rick "the vest" Santorum
4) Newt "the wonk" Gingrich
5) Rick "the ass/dick" Perry
6) Michele "the clown" Bachmann

... and if Huntsman is even technically viable, he might get a few votes because Iowa-goers will enthusiastically get to say "yep, that Hunt... he can sure hunt."

But look for the whole process to KEEP GOING.  Nobody has a vested interest in dropping out.  They all know the same thing - I can parlay the exposure into a book tour, the lecture circuit or Fox News quasi-analyst route.  All I need to do is stay IN the news and be semi-relevant from time to time.  As uninspired and cumbersome as Pawlenty was, I just can't figure why he bailed so early.  Perhaps, Mitt threw him a VP bone.  I just don't see it though.  It's gotta be Romney/Rubio.


Anonymous said...

wrong, wrong, maybe, wrong, yes, wrong

sonofsaf said...

I'm guessing this was directed at the Iowa caucus results, not the Tim Tebow part of the blog.

If I were Santorum, here's what I would do. Immediately go on the attack using the money angle. He spent virtually nothing in Iowa (about half a million) and eked out a victory through the old fashioned way - "knocking on doors."

Tabulate the actual monetary results... Perry spent $300 for every vote. Romney and his SuperPacs spent $247 per vote. On the other hand, there's my campaign. We spent $1.62 per vote or whatever.

Then, just pound home the implication that "if you want to SELL your vote in New Hampshire, than Mitt's your man." But if you appreciate notions of "real democracy" than I'm your man. The Republican base loves the freedom routine. It resonates.

Don't go overboard on the "I'm the only true conservative" bit. It alienates the moderates. Stick with the David vs. Goliath routine and keep emphasizing that American votes ARE NOT FOR SALE. And let Newt destroy Romney on policy while you appear honorable and stay above the fray.

And also, poke light-hearted fun at the roll-out of all these perfectly timed Romney endorsements. First Bush Sr., then Nikki Hailey (gov-SC), and now McCain??? I bet it was a press release from McCain instead of a speech. McCain hates his guts.

Santorum's as twisted as you get on social issues, but he does appear authentic. Against Romney that's a HUGE tactical advantage. I'd use this line in a debate...

"Mitt, the American people think you're a brand new car salesman trying to jack up the sticker price."

Anonymous said...

Excellent point above, SAF. I copied and pasted it to Santorum's FB page and it was wiped away within a minute. I hope someone reads it.