Considering his proclivity for "attempted gambling" during a recent presidential debate, I believe that leading Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has been kicked out of G.A. (gamblers anonymous). Nope. G.A. doesn't stand for general admission... although it certainly would have helped his cause this afternoon. That place was empty. I kept looking for the unknown comic guy in the crowd. You know, the frowny-inked guy who wears the brown paper bag over his head. He was omnipresent when the Lions went 0-16.
Regardless, I suspect Willard placed his final wager this afternoon. He took the UNDER on the total attendance at Ford Field. Gamblers Anonymous got wind of his transgression and kicked him to the curb. Truth be told, it was a lock. 1,200 on a 65,000? They set the over way too high!
With the exception of last year, the Detroit Lions hadn't made the playoffs since 1999. And even in '99, they barely sneaked in with a consistent record of 8-8. Historically, the Lions have pretty much... well uhh... sucked. But rest assured, they still sell-out (even though there's a slew of no-shows for the second half of the season). Ford Field has a capacity of 65,000. For the NCAA final, they filled that place with 80,000 spectators. Not bad for an indoor venue.
Enter Mitt Romney. Sensing the possibility of a Republican primary loss in one of his many "home" states, Mitt must have decided (or more likely, was advised) to step up his game. What can we do in the blue-collar state of Michigan? What could be a potential game-changer? Hmmm, how about I give a thunderous, earth-shattering economic policy speech in the massive confines of Ford Field? What a novel idea! The votes and campaign contributions will surely start pouring in!
Un-fucking-believable. What the fuck is wrong with Romney? How could a career politician running for President since 2004 have such a monumental, judgmental collapse regarding "the optics of self-promotion?" His hair style, his attire, his talking points, basically everything about him is so incredibly polished. How could he screw up something so fundamental as the choice of venue?
Seriously, what the fuck is this supposed to be? A patriotic throng (the Detroit Economic Club) of 1,200 will literally be taking over the synthetic grass-like surface of Ford Field. Wow. The upside - a stampede seems very unlikely. Good planning, Mitt. Nobody will be trampled to death or die from crush asphyxiation. The downside - well, here we go...
First and foremost, how about the fundamental rule when it comes to sizing up the appropriate venue. Think about it from a televangelist's perspective. When my favorite asshole Benny Hinn goes out on the healing circuit, the first thing he does is an attendance estimate. In 2003, he came to Pittsburgh and "played" at Mellon Arena. It was a wise choice as a crowd of 10,000+ idiots swarmed the Burgh. But in 2011, with his stock rapidly dissipating, he came to the tiny Soldiers & Sailors Hall which maxes out at about 2,000. The piece of holy shit ended up cancelling (hopefully I had something to do with that), but I digress. My point - you want it to appear like the place is filled to the rafters. That's how you get the audience riled up. Mitt went with exact opposite approach - pick the most grandiose, mammoth and costly stadium. Then, coerce about 1,000 of the most timid, non-responsive people to celebrate with you on their lunch hour.
And what an obnoxious, ill-advised display of wealth. Hosting this event at an NFL stadium would appeal to only one other person on the planet earth. And that's Jerry Jones. Well, maybe Trump would like it. Other than those two self-inflated, beau-toxed windbags, I can't think of any others. How much does it cost to open Ford Field? The lighting, the controlled temperature, the logistical procedures are a complete pain in the ass. And for what? To make Mitt Romney appear like some kind of modern-day, Russel Crowe gladiator. What a complete waste.
And to top it off, the stunt failed miserably. It makes him look increasingly disconnected from the blue collar Republican vote which he so desperately needs. If I'm a Michigan middle class conservative voter I've got to be thinking... what the fuck is this? If I'm from a swing state deemed crucial in the general election I've got be thinking... what the fuck is this? If I'm an ordinary human being on the planet earth I've got to be thinking... what the fuck is this? Wait a minute, maybe his swooning, heroic economic policy speech will move me to tears.
Mitt: "I would like to lead you in a rousing chorus of God Bless America. Unfortunately, Whitney Houston is no longer with us so allow me to take the lead"
After 3 minutes of excruciating discomfort...
Mitt: "President Obama is destroying this great country. We've got to cut taxes and control runaway government spending."
This refrain drags for on for a perfectly timed 26 minutes. Yep, cry me a river.
I wonder if they did a balloon drop from the ceiling or a confetti blow-out as the event concluded. I wouldn't doubt it. Ahhh, the absurdity of the Romney campaign knows no bounds. I'll bet you $10,000 there will be another major campaign gaffe. The good news - the Republican primary has a long way to go and we haven't even reached the general.