I have a ton of pet peeves, but this one is particularly irksome. As the Superbowl approaches, there's a group of people who converge from all walks of life. Dentists, beekeepers, poets, investment brokers, waitresses... this one really bridges the gap. It's the people who feel inclined to tell everyone of their Superbowl gambling exploits. You've known them all your life and they've never discussed gambling on anything, but all of a sudden, they come out of the woodwork. They have become instant Superbowl aficionados.
They've never discussed spreads or under/overs. But suddenly, they're the world's foremost expert on point shaving in Vegas. It's all they can talk about. They throw out terms like "sharps" and "juice" as if they're making a batch of margaritas. They'll refer to the turf in the dome as a "fast track" well-suited for speedy wide-outs. And this is the first time they read up on the coaching staff and ownership. So they know all the big names. Count on them to utter the most excruciatingly obvious comment. "I can't believe the Giants wanted to get rid of Coughlin, and now look it... he took 'em to another Superbowl."
And they place bets on the infamous "square" boards all around town. "Oh yeah, I got 3 squares at the Sportsman's, 2 at Abbey's and another at Chopsticks." For the love of god, would someone tell the population at large that buying a square on one of these boards doesn't miraculously catapult you into the range of "Vegas bookie/gambler extraordinaire." It's akin to a rock, paper, scissors victory.
But here's the real problem. Most of these bets are actually something I call "fugazi wagers." That's right. They're not even real bets. They've just been conjured up out of thin air (just like Randall Stevens in Shawshank Redemption). Most of these are proposition bets or "prop" bets. Stuff like betting on the MVP. There's always this one person that's incessantly clamoring throughout the game. He made all these crazy bets. Yet, if you were to ask him what gambling website or what local bookie took the wagers, he'd have no idea what to say. He'd probably say something to the affect of, "Ohhh, I can't talk about it. My bookie likes to keep everything low-profile."
This is where it gets really annoying. The phony celebrations and commentary on non-existent bets... just so they can have their voice heard in a congested living room or bar. Absolutely maddening. Think about it. There's ALWAYS one of them. They desperately need to hear themselves talk. And obviously this year's Superbowl is the "landing on the moon" opportunity of a lifetime. Everyone will hear me. Everyone will love me. Forever more, I'm a force to be reckoned with.
"Ohhh yeah, I took the Giants in the coin toss. KA-CHING!" Alright, this one really pisses me off. First of all, it's a 50/50 prop nonsense bet. Knowing that it's an act of deception makes the whole scenario really debilitating. Or how about some douchebag who claims to have made a wager on "the duration of the national anthem (I need you to time it)" or the "most popular commercial" or "whether there's a score in the final two minutes of the first half." Prop bets are really annoying fodder because you know the asshole is making it up as he goes along. The more intoxicated he gets, the more far-fetched the bet. And he seems to be winning them all. This guy's unstoppable! Winning! News flash - he just likes to hear himself talk and is desperately trying to get laid. It's all a fake. The panting, the moaning, the screaming.... fake, fake, fake (Elaine on Seinfeld). The gambling, the betting, the wagering.... fake, fake, fake (Saf in his living room).
And there are other kinds of stylistic phony Superbowl bettors. I call them Super-ballers. They tell you about some absurd amount they placed on the Giants. "Yeah, I took out a g-note on the g-men." I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "Fuck you, you super-stupid-baller-piece-of-shit. You is a liar and straight-up fool." Seriously, you should be watching the Superbowl with Rosie O'Donnell sharing a monster bag of pork rinds.
Or how about the infamous flip-flopper... This guy won't tell you which team he bet on. He'll shift opinion and root for both teams depending on which team scored a touchdown or recovered a fumble off a sack. Any shift in momentum whatsoever... don't worry, he's on it. This one's really maddening because it's non-stop for the duration of the whole game. And if it goes down to the wire??? Rest assured, douchebag won a bundle in the final seconds. Wait a minute. That's not enough. If the game goes into overtime??? Yep, you guessed it. Douchebag-zilla forgot to mention that he made that bet too... a hundred bucks at 8-1! First ever Superbowl to go to OT. He's rich. Maybe he'll buy a round of drinks and cement his status as a gambling hero - I call him Gamblor (Homer Simpson). Hey, at least the beverages were real.
To be honest, I think that might be a good bet. Fake or real. We're due for an overtime Superbowl. Hell, it has to happen eventually. This game seems like a decent candidate. I'll place 2 bets this year - the prospect of OT and if Madonna will wear the "pointy headlight bra" during the halftime show. That's what being a real football fan is all about. When I win, the JSL will break into song... "Saffy don't preach!"