Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Top 10 questions any knowledgable fan of Maury Povich should be asking


 1) Why are ALL the dumbshit male guests continually exploited by those infamous sexy decoys in the green room? 

This is the literally the gift that keeps on giving.  What makes these susceptible men so stupid?  My guess is it's the "over-the-top" tenacity of the sexy decoy.  These women aren't throwing themselves at these guys.  These foul temptresses are hurling themselves.  They take it to such a previously unexplored level... my hunch is that most guys just don't want to seem overtly rude.  Their only other option is to not interact and sit on the couch like a muted zombie.  Manners!   

2) Why are there no homo male or lesbian female sexy decoys?

Seriously, I'm being cereal!  In the past, Maury has embraced the gay subculture.  Why is he reluctant to have same-gendered sexy decoys?  My hunch is that his production staff has never proposed the idea.   Paul Faulhaber, you suck.  Get with the times.  I've seen plenty of homo embraces on Maury.   They're usually not well-received by the crowd unless it's 2 attractive women (which normally isn't the case).  Most of the lesbianiacs trend husky with shiny, moo-moo-like apparel.

3) What's up with Dr. Jeff Gardere?  Is he with Maury or MSNBC?

Dr. Jeff is the psychotherapist that comes up with earth-shattering, mind-blowing advice.  He'll tell women in abusive relationships or young, wild teens that they need to start "loving themselves" before they can function in a normal relationship.  Or he'll tell a squabbling younger couple that "children shouldn't be having children."  He has a penchant for stating the most obvious.   Nonetheless, his comments are always well-received by the studio audience.  They clap and cheer like Pavlovian dogs when he suggests to the single, welfare mother of 5 kids with 5 different "baby daddy" the possibility of using birth control.  He had a brief stint on MSNBC but I think they saw through his professional, LCD (lowest common denominator) dispensation of regurgitated psychobabble.  Three words define his existence on the planet earth... back to Muurrrry.

4) Why has Special Ops investigator Dave Vitalli begun donning a sport jacket?  Is this an attempt to "class-up" his image or will he revert back to the classic black, ill-fitting t-shirt?  And why the retarded, tiny patch of hair on his frontal lobe?

Answer:  He'll go back to the t-shirt.  Dave Vitalli not showing off those massive jailhouse tats is tantamount to Tim Tebow openly worshiping the devil.  I just don't see it happening.  When you factor in that "condescending meat-headed aura," you'll easily arrive at the same conclusion.  I think Vitalli should shave his entire head and be utilized in a less prominent bouncer/security role. 

5) Why has conflict resolution expert Trisha Goddard been seemingly absent?

Where the fuck is Goddard?  Did you know she was once introduced as a conflict resolution "artist" instead of "expert?"  Yeah... not a lot of people know that.  Lately, Maury has been reverting back to his 2007 roots.  This is when the show didn't hold back.  On one occasion, a monstrous women cried, "Maury, I had walking limonia!"  On the screen, it read "Walking Limonia???"  During the latter years of the Bush administration, he was much more prone to openly mocking and ridiculing the guests.  Trisha is just too goody-two-shoe.  Simply put, she doesn't fit into the equation anymore.  Perhaps she should consider joining forces with Jeremy Kyle.  They could go back and forth with the British accents.  If there was an uptick in the number of suicides from people banging their head against the wall, this would likely be the cause.  Suicide by head-banging is very rare.  Although I did just hear that Dave Mustaine (Megadeth lead singer) is openly pulling for Rick Santorum. 

6) Why don't they block access to the backstage area?

This has always been a fantasy of mine.  Station security or construct barriers that would block easy access to the backstage area.  Yes, I know that "running off stage" is a celebrated Maury tradition.  I'd prefer to see these guests forced into the studio audience.  They would seek comfort from a random individual in the crowd, while others around them hoot and holler.  This would be a nice change of pace to the usual routine where they charge off and a consoling Maury dutifully follows.  It also offers greater crowd involvement without having to hear anyone in the studio audience actually speak.

Conceptually, I also like the idea of female guests seeking paternity answers being bungee-corded to their chairs.  As they stand up, the chair is literally strapped to their ass.  Turns the running experience into more of a waddling adventure.  For massively obese guests, this would be instant nirvana among viewing public.  Stronger ratings during sweeps weeks would be an added bonus.

Just for the record, running off stage and doing a face-plant into the couch is the ULTIMATE ACT OF COWARDICE.  They're getting paid to be on a TALK show, not a smother your face in the couch cushion show.  I would suggest coating the couch with pepper spray or some other kind of facial irritant.  Don't let them get off scot free.

7) Do they compensate guests with additional cash for sudden outbreaks of dancing?

It has always been my contention that a rogue individual (similar to the character "X" in the movie JFK) approaches each guest before the show.  He encourages them to sing a rap song, do a dance move, perform an acrobatic stunt, read a poem, etc.  He offers them $100 before and another $100 after the successful completion of the stunt.  I guarantee this is why so many instantaneously embrace brawling, pole dancing, flashing, etc. on Springer.   Money is always the motivating factor.  This has always been blatantly obvious.  It needs to be exposed.  Someone needs to do their own "Special Op."  It's always been a dream of mine to have someone expose Maury for the sinful crimes he accuses others of committing.  I'm not normally one to probe the sexual habits of others, but a Maury-Connie Chung sexy secret sets a higher standard.  I think we can all agree on that one.

8) Why the move from Manhattan to Stamford, CT?

All the trash tv (Springer, Povich & Wilkos) made a coordinated move to Stamford back in early 2009.  The state of Connecticut offered a ton of financial incentives.  NBC took a page from the movie industry.   It's akin to filming in Vancouver instead of Hollywood.  As usual, it was financially motivated.  Just for the record, John Oates (of Hall and Oates fame) lives in Connecticut.  Some people incorrectly spell his last name O-A-T-S.  Pure blasphemy!  I can't fathom how people could equate this musical icon with some kind cream of wheat bullshit.

9) Why have Ralph Barbieri's (the lie-detector guy) "firecracker" antics been noticeably scaled back.

I remember the days when Ralph would get furious if someone disputed the results.  He'd naturally view it as an attack on his professionalism.  Then, they'd accuse him of accepting bribes or asking purposely misleading or humiliating questions.  Ralph would get pissed off.  He'd confront the liars and the crowd would go apeshit.  Hell, Maury is almost all lie detector.  He utilizes Ralph in all the cheating and paternity shows.  And that's pretty much 75% of the platform.  The other 25% consisting of geek to chic, abusive boyfriends, sexy crushes and is it a man or woman.  My point - Ralph should get more airtime.  He's seems very loyal.  Then again, maybe Ralph's thinking about staging a modern-day Stamford coup-d'etat.  He might be able to muster the support of a few interns and maybe one of the larger sexy decoys.

10)  Whatever happened to the shows about freaks?

Remember when we got to see the compassionate side of Maury?  Those were the good 'ol days.  My favorite was "young boy with rapidly aging syndrome."   He beamed and when Maury basically did a "make a wish" show.  The Ba Ha Men charged onto the stage singing "Who Let the Dogs Out... Woof Woof?"  That kid went B-A-N-A-BANANAS.  I still rank this one incident as possibly in the Top 3 all-time.  Saf, what's the #1 Maury moment?  Excellent query.  Answer: It's when this black dude hears he is "NOT" the father.  He celebrates with some smooth dance moves backstage.  And for some reason, there's an old janitor mopping the floor.  This guy snags the mop and did a fusion dance/mop move that's just unparalleled.  He joyfully started mopping the floor!  Nice.

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think you should burn in hell for writing this article! Even if the Maury show is trash, you sound like you're even worse! How dare you say such things about Dave Vitalli especially,I'm a facebook friend of his and he seems like a wonderful man!

sonofsaf said...

You cannot begin to grasp the immeasurable joy that gripped my body after having read this comment. Twas orgasmic. And the way you finished it off...

"I'm a facebook friend of his and he seems like a wonderful man"

Even I am not capable of constructing that kind of material. Kudos.

Anonymous said...

Anyone offering a dissection of the production viabilities of daytime television who then condemn the mannerisms therein needs therapy themselves! These are forums of entertainment that occassionally provide advice for life structuralization. Stop watching if you so strenuously object!

sonofsaf said...

Thanks for the observation! If you achieve "life structuralization" via the condescending compassion of Maury, then yes, I wholeheartedly agree.

As far as me personally requiring therapy, that notion has been suggested many times before... AND REJECTED.

Anonymous said...

The desperate, lost, socially awkward, uneducated and very often unemployed can and usually will seek advice or help within forums of high visibility, even at the risk of foresaking their dignity and anonymity. Having spent half my life in the U.S. MILITARY, i find this both a disturbing and interesting contrast to my own life. I am entertained by it all. Nothing more than amusal. I dont defend the guests or condemn them. Or MAURY HIMSELF FOR THAT MATTER!

sonofsaf said...

Interesting perspective. I've often wondered how people in the military view the Maury Povich show.

I have a hunch that viewing it would often evoke the question --- "Why am I putting my life at risk to defend the imbecilic behavior and reckless procreation of the miscreant populace?"

The obvious response --- you put notions of god, country and your fellow soldier above all that idiocy. Still, as our country's social decay continues unabated, at some point, it's got to make you question that commitment.

I thank you for your service. I'm also involved with issues surrounding national security. Check out my real website - agsaf.org

Anonymous said...

Reckless procreation and social decay.....we agree on many points it seems! You are insightful with a better than average ability to articulate varying points of view without the cloudiness one endures who is a bit too passive aggressive. I salute you!

Anonymous said...

Btw...I see FAN OF O.S.S. ARE YOU A MEMBER OF THE OFFICE OF STRATEGIC SERVICES? Or perhaps the OHIO SKY SURVEY? These make sense for the anagram SONOFSAF. JUST WONDERING.

sonofsaf said...

Sonofsaf is just a weak nickname rip off based on sonofsam. Not an anagram. If you enjoy this blog, you might find my autobiography to be of interest - sonofsaf.com

I wrote it in 2011. Then, check out my site - agsaf.org

It will all start to make sense.

Anonymous said...

I find your blogs on the "stampede facade" very interesting! I also find it somewhat disturbing that certain factions of our security infrastructure are NOT giving it do diligence! Not long ago while attending an entertainment venue on my base in Diego Garcia a "false alarm" was endured by all of us who were in this specific area. It was confusing to all how specific electronic information could be unfiltered given our current status of communication fail safes. I am confident that in the future the ones in elevated status of hightened security priviledge will take notice! Do not be discouraged my friend. Your letters have been noted by proper personnel, reguardless of response content or lack thereof. I am soon to return to the central indian ocean south of the equator where i will no doubt be on a hightened alert in response to your work. Thank you.

sonofsaf said...

I can't thank you enough for your continued input. I find it amusing that we're having a national security discussion about asymmetric generational warfare issues in the comment section of a blog analyzing the finer points of Maury Povich.

The brief story you conveyed is one of thousands. I fear that when society finally does address this issue, it will be in the aftermath of a tragedy.

I have no idea who you are but I do sense one thing... YOU GET IT. Not many people do. It's often frustrating because the concept is absurdly generic.

Please feel free to share the content of the agsaf.org website with your peers. I've gained tremendous insight from the military perspective, particularly those who deal with emergency response and mock scenarios.

Check out my book too (sonofsaf.com). An easy 2-3 hour read. I think you'd find it amusing. Best of all, it's free. If you ever wish to talk, gimme a ring. My info's on the website.

I thank you for your service to our country. I often have to explain how people serve their country, and humanity, in different ways.

With immense respect, SAF

Anonymous said...

I don't care if your response to my comment was sarcastic, Dave Vitalli is a wonderful person regardless of what you said about him. How do you know where he got those tattoes anyway? It's none of your business!

sonofsaf said...

If this is the same person, stringing me along, you could very well be the ultimate master of puppets.

I just can't fathom that realm of trolling brilliance.

Anonymous said...

GO TO HELL GOD DAMN YOU!!!!!! And sonof should stand for SON OFA BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!! DON"T REPLY TO THIS COMMENT!

sonofsaf said...

Anonymous - This blog was written in early 2012, roughly 2 years ago. Your "DON'T REPLY TO THIS COMMENT!" is baffling.

Seriously, you should be hoping that I do respond, and to a lesser extent, that I'm filled with rage.

Truth be told, I am upset. I'm disturbed with your weak, meager internet trolling skills.

Anonymous said...

I apologize for my earlier comment. But I have nothing but contempt for your snide remarks about my Internet "trolling skills". There are many things far more important than that in this life. And I meant when I said don't reply to this comment!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

One question......why doesn't Povich mention birth control and the several different options available to these skanks who have 6 kids from 24 possible "baby-daddies"?

sonofsaf said...

Excellent question. Quite often he says, "Hey, you need to put a cap on it!"

Veiled reference to a condom. And he often tells wild teens how difficult it is to care for a baby. Also, his minions (Trisha Goddard, Dave Vitalli, Paul Faulhaber and various boot camp specialists) sometimes weigh in on the birth control aspect.

Anonymous said...

I THHINK MAURY HAS OBSOLUTELY NO SEX LIFE. wHY ELSE WOULD HE HAVE DECOYS GIRLS TO DECOY GUEST INTO COMPRIMISING SITUATIONS. iTS BECASUE IT'S WHAT HE SECRETLY WOULD LIKE TO DO. I THINK ITS HIS FANTASY TO HAVE A UNKNOWN WOMEN COME ON TO HIM AND HIM TO COMPLY..AND SEX HAS ALWAYS BEEN A BIG TIME MONEY MAKER. IF MAURY CAN'T GET SEX HE LIKES TO TRAVEL INTO OTHER PEOPLES SEX LIVES VOYARISM I THINK ITS CALLED. I GUESS HIS WIFE WON'T OR CAN'T BECAUSE SHE'S TO BUSY TRYING TO CHANGE HER NATIONALITY ALL THAT MONEY TO GET FOLDS IN HER EYE LIDS. I NEVER QUITE SAW THE ATTRACTION BETWEEN THE TWO..mAURY PROMPTS HIS GUESS TO SAY THE MOST PERSONAL THINGS ABOUT THERE RELATIONSHIPS AND HE IS ESPECIALLY INTERESTED IN MAN ON MAN SEX. IS HE GAY OR JUST WANTS A THREESOME. I THINK ITS BOTH. HEY WHY NOT HAVE CONNIE ON THE SHOW AND DO A LIE DETECTER TEST ON HER AND MAURY CAN I BE THE ONE WHO ASK THE QUESTIONS I'D LIKE TO KNOW IF MAURY SECRETLY MASTURBATES BEFORE AND AFTER THE SHOWS I WONDER THIS BECASUE HE ASK SUCH INTIMATE QUESTIONS TO HIS GUEST LIKE HE IS GETTING TURNED ON BY THEIR ANSWERS

eric saferstein said...

Thanks for the capitalized harangue. Clarity might not be your strong suit.

Still, for the most part, I concur. I'd like to see ALL guests strapped down to their respective chairs. That way, if they are overcome with grief and try to run off the stage, the chair physically goes with them. Kind of a waddling motion.

I'd also like to see the backstage area entirely cordoned off. This way, guests would be forced into the studio audience for comfort and solace from random strangers.

Anonymous said...

I'M LOOKING FOR EMPLOYMENT. COULD SOMEONE TELL ME HOW I CAN APPLY FOR THE POSITION OF SEXY DECOR ON MAURY, HOW MUCH DOES THE POSITION PAY,DO I GET HEALTH BENEFITS (KISSING ALL THOSE STRANGERS, YOU KNOW)SICK DAYS, VACATION DAYS AND WHAT DOES THE ORIENTATION PROCESS INCLUDE? IS THERE ON THE JOB TRAINING OR DO I JUST HAVE TO KNOW HOW TO KISS STRANGERS. I DON'T WANT ANY PROBLEMS WITH THE LAW,,,, SO IF THIS POSITION AS 'SEXY DECOY' ON MAURY IS CONSIDERED SOLICTING NERVER MIND. IF IT'S NOT PLEASE TELL ME WHERE TO GET AN APPLICATION/ IS IT AT MAURY STUDIOS, 69 WHORES PLACE,PROSTITUTE, CT

eric saferstein said...

With the recent Supreme court ruling, I'd like to see Maury start using LGBT sexy decoys and those that are "trending homo." This way we could learn about the sexual proclivities of various guests without the standard lie detector test.