Top 10 questions any knowledgable fan of Maury Povich should be asking

 1) Why are ALL the dumbshit male guests continually exploited by those infamous sexy decoys in the green room? 

This is the literally the gift that keeps on giving.  What makes these susceptible men so stupid?  My guess is it's the "over-the-top" tenacity of the sexy decoy.  These women aren't throwing themselves at these guys.  These foul temptresses are hurling themselves.  They take it to such a previously unexplored level... my hunch is that most guys just don't want to seem overtly rude.  Their only other option is to not interact and sit on the couch like a muted zombie.  Manners!   

2) Why are there no homo male or lesbian female sexy decoys?

Seriously, I'm being cereal!  In the past, Maury has embraced the gay subculture.  Why is he reluctant to have same-gendered sexy decoys?  My hunch is that his production staff has never proposed the idea.   Paul Faulhaber, you suck.  Get with the times.  I've seen plenty of homo embraces on Maury.   They're usually not well-received by the crowd unless it's 2 attractive women (which normally isn't the case).  Most of the lesbianiacs trend husky with shiny, moo-moo-like apparel.

3) What's up with Dr. Jeff Gardere?  Is he with Maury or MSNBC?

Dr. Jeff is the psychotherapist that comes up with earth-shattering, mind-blowing advice.  He'll tell women in abusive relationships or young, wild teens that they need to start "loving themselves" before they can function in a normal relationship.  Or he'll tell a squabbling younger couple that "children shouldn't be having children."  He has a penchant for stating the most obvious.   Nonetheless, his comments are always well-received by the studio audience.  They clap and cheer like Pavlovian dogs when he suggests to the single, welfare mother of 5 kids with 5 different "baby daddy" the possibility of using birth control.  He had a brief stint on MSNBC but I think they saw through his professional, LCD (lowest common denominator) dispensation of regurgitated psychobabble.  Three words define his existence on the planet earth... back to Muurrrry.

4) Why has Special Ops investigator Dave Vitalli begun donning a sport jacket?  Is this an attempt to "class-up" his image or will he revert back to the classic black, ill-fitting t-shirt?  And why the retarded, tiny patch of hair on his frontal lobe?

Answer:  He'll go back to the t-shirt.  Dave Vitalli not showing off those massive jailhouse tats is tantamount to Tim Tebow openly worshiping the devil.  I just don't see it happening.  When you factor in that "condescending meat-headed aura," you'll easily arrive at the same conclusion.  I think Vitalli should shave his entire head and be utilized in a less prominent bouncer/security role. 

5) Why has conflict resolution expert Trisha Goddard been seemingly absent?

Where the fuck is Goddard?  Did you know she was once introduced as a conflict resolution "artist" instead of "expert?"  Yeah... not a lot of people know that.  Lately, Maury has been reverting back to his 2007 roots.  This is when the show didn't hold back.  On one occasion, a monstrous women cried, "Maury, I had walking limonia!"  On the screen, it read "Walking Limonia???"  During the latter years of the Bush administration, he was much more prone to openly mocking and ridiculing the guests.  Trisha is just too goody-two-shoe.  Simply put, she doesn't fit into the equation anymore.  Perhaps she should consider joining forces with Jeremy Kyle.  They could go back and forth with the British accents.  If there was an uptick in the number of suicides from people banging their head against the wall, this would likely be the cause.  Suicide by head-banging is very rare.  Although I did just hear that Dave Mustaine (Megadeth lead singer) is openly pulling for Rick Santorum. 

6) Why don't they block access to the backstage area?

This has always been a fantasy of mine.  Station security or construct barriers that would block easy access to the backstage area.  Yes, I know that "running off stage" is a celebrated Maury tradition.  I'd prefer to see these guests forced into the studio audience.  They would seek comfort from a random individual in the crowd, while others around them hoot and holler.  This would be a nice change of pace to the usual routine where they charge off and a consoling Maury dutifully follows.  It also offers greater crowd involvement without having to hear anyone in the studio audience actually speak.

Conceptually, I also like the idea of female guests seeking paternity answers being bungee-corded to their chairs.  As they stand up, the chair is literally strapped to their ass.  Turns the running experience into more of a waddling adventure.  For massively obese guests, this would be instant nirvana among viewing public.  Stronger ratings during sweeps weeks would be an added bonus.

Just for the record, running off stage and doing a face-plant into the couch is the ULTIMATE ACT OF COWARDICE.  They're getting paid to be on a TALK show, not a smother your face in the couch cushion show.  I would suggest coating the couch with pepper spray or some other kind of facial irritant.  Don't let them get off scot free.

7) Do they compensate guests with additional cash for sudden outbreaks of dancing?

It has always been my contention that a rogue individual (similar to the character "X" in the movie JFK) approaches each guest before the show.  He encourages them to sing a rap song, do a dance move, perform an acrobatic stunt, read a poem, etc.  He offers them $100 before and another $100 after the successful completion of the stunt.  I guarantee this is why so many instantaneously embrace brawling, pole dancing, flashing, etc. on Springer.   Money is always the motivating factor.  This has always been blatantly obvious.  It needs to be exposed.  Someone needs to do their own "Special Op."  It's always been a dream of mine to have someone expose Maury for the sinful crimes he accuses others of committing.  I'm not normally one to probe the sexual habits of others, but a Maury-Connie Chung sexy secret sets a higher standard.  I think we can all agree on that one.

8) Why the move from Manhattan to Stamford, CT?

All the trash tv (Springer, Povich & Wilkos) made a coordinated move to Stamford back in early 2009.  The state of Connecticut offered a ton of financial incentives.  NBC took a page from the movie industry.   It's akin to filming in Vancouver instead of Hollywood.  As usual, it was financially motivated.  Just for the record, John Oates (of Hall and Oates fame) lives in Connecticut.  Some people incorrectly spell his last name O-A-T-S.  Pure blasphemy!  I can't fathom how people could equate this musical icon with some kind cream of wheat bullshit.

9) Why have Ralph Barbieri's (the lie-detector guy) "firecracker" antics been noticeably scaled back.

I remember the days when Ralph would get furious if someone disputed the results.  He'd naturally view it as an attack on his professionalism.  Then, they'd accuse him of accepting bribes or asking purposely misleading or humiliating questions.  Ralph would get pissed off.  He'd confront the liars and the crowd would go apeshit.  Hell, Maury is almost all lie detector.  He utilizes Ralph in all the cheating and paternity shows.  And that's pretty much 75% of the platform.  The other 25% consisting of geek to chic, abusive boyfriends, sexy crushes and is it a man or woman.  My point - Ralph should get more airtime.  He's seems very loyal.  Then again, maybe Ralph's thinking about staging a modern-day Stamford coup-d'etat.  He might be able to muster the support of a few interns and maybe one of the larger sexy decoys.

10)  Whatever happened to the shows about freaks?

Remember when we got to see the compassionate side of Maury?  Those were the good 'ol days.  My favorite was "young boy with rapidly aging syndrome."   He beamed and when Maury basically did a "make a wish" show.  The Ba Ha Men charged onto the stage singing "Who Let the Dogs Out... Woof Woof?"  That kid went B-A-N-A-BANANAS.  I still rank this one incident as possibly in the Top 3 all-time.  Saf, what's the #1 Maury moment?  Excellent query.  Answer: It's when this black dude hears he is "NOT" the father.  He celebrates with some smooth dance moves backstage.  And for some reason, there's an old janitor mopping the floor.  This guy snags the mop and did a fusion dance/mop move that's just unparalleled.  He joyfully started mopping the floor!  Nice.