Thursday, October 24, 2013

West Virginia is #1... in neurotic behavior

I just saw the Time magazine poll which outlines the behavioral patterns of U.S. residents.

It said that West Virginia is the most neurotic.  Utah is the most agreeable (Sure thing if you're a Mormon.  Judgmental is more like it.).  Wisconsin is the most extroverted (yeah... if you measure social interaction by ones propensity to engage in cow-milking).  And Texas is the most assholic.  Alright... I extrapolated that last entry based solely on the existence of Jerry Jones.

I'm actually a big Dallas fan.  I was at a party last week.  The girl hosting had a huge Cowboys pop-up tent.

Me:  "Nice!  I'm a huge Dallas Cowboys fan..."
Her:  "Me too, Saf!"
Me:  "You didn't let me finish.  I'm a huge Dallas Cowboys fan when they score 48 points on their home field and lose in the final seconds on a heartbreak field goal." 

Still, these bastards are claiming that northern WV is the most neurotic state.  The more I think about it, the more I think these Time-Fucks may have a valid point.

*  Virtually every person I know is on some kind of anti-depressant medication.  Adults, teenagers, embryos... The West Virginia pharmaceutical industry knows no boundaries.  We even lead the nation in pet psychiatry.  Yep... my dog seems to have a case of the beagle blues.  We need to get him some chewable Lexapro-laden Beggin' Strips.  My new cat Palin meows too often for no apparent reason.  Let's put her on a strict regimen of Prozacat. 

*  I can totally understand the widespread neuroticism.  Our state is comprised of all these small towns and tiny communities.  What's the overriding essence --- everyone is in everyone's business.  Around here we call it "beeswax."  Look who just got knocked up.  That couple is living in sin.  I saw Dale buying a porno mag at the 7-11.  Tapioca (yep... I'd give generous odds that some girl in Moundsville is named after a tasty pudding) lost all that weight cuz of all that meth she's doin'.     

*  Montani Semper Liberi --- this is our outdated state motto.  Mountaineers are Always Free ???  What a fucking joke.  I'm not sure where you live, but the West Virginia I know is a total police state.  Roving patrols 24/7.  Desperately searching for that burnt out headlight.  "We got a padiddle at the corner of 14th and Market St."  Then, they go in for the kill.  License, registration, proof of insurance, where are you going, who are you related to, what did you eat for breakfast, where do you get your haircut, is that pocket knife a weapon, why do you have a Cleveland Browns sticker in your windshield.  Did you know that all the drugs in Wheeling come from Cleveland?  Are you a drug mule?  I'd like to ask for your consent to a colonic MRI --- you may or may not have condoms in your butt filled with heroin.

Is it any wonder why the population is so paranoid?

*  Everyone is suing the living shit out of everyone.  Out of all 50 states, we are the litigious heck-hole.  You can't even use the phrase "hell-hole" on a billboard for fear of being sued.  True story - that's how bad it is.  I'm even afraid to buy young Tina a bag of Funyons.  Her parent or court appointed guardian might sue me for multiple reasons:

A.  She prefers Munchos.  The sight of the Funyon bag was an intentional infliction of emotional distress.
B.  She wanted the family size bag, not the chintzy little $1.49 Jew-bag.
C.  My daughter has gluten issues.  You're trying to get her to shit herself at church bingo.
D.  The Funyons were a deliberate attempt at "seduction."  She's on court-ordered home confinement for repeated bullying.  She ain't allowed to leave the house and be in possession of salty snacks.

*  Every kid (ages 18-25) has those idiot discs in their ear lobes.  Not only that... but their face and neck are covered with piercings and tattoos.

If this weirdo shit freaks me out (I'm 43), what the hell do you think it does to someone twice my age?  Think about it.  I'm an elderly geezer who's minding my own business.  I'm at Mehlman's Cafeteria for the 4 o'clock dinner rush.  I'm trying to enjoy my cottage cheese, baked fish and tepid Tab.

Hold your horses!  Here comes the youth gone wild.  They're all wearing headphones but you can here the shitty emo music a mile away.  Then they all start frantically texting and sexting.

How do you think this makes me feel?  Just a tad apprehensive perhaps?

*  West Virginia is God's country.  Sure is, daggumit!  How many times have I had the accidental displeasure of hearing these fire and brimstone preachers on AM radio?  For Christ sake, we lead the nation in Pentecostal religious snake handlers.

What the fuck is this?   What century am I living in?  What planet am I living on?

So is West Virginia really the most neurotic?

Damn straight.

1 comment:

sonofsaf said...

Although I don't have any specific proof, I do have a hunch that West Virginia leads the nation in "inbred incest." This would not bode well for an alleged, heightened state of neuroticism.

Think about it. We're not talkin' eroticism, we is talkin' bout neuroticism. It's bad enough when your wife cheats on you. But when she sleeps with her step-brother, first cousin or estranged lesbian mother... well, that would certainly add to everyone's neurosis. Once again, WV leading the way. All the way.