Sunday, March 23, 2014

Dayton - Michigan State - Wisconsin - Mercer

I'm making my picks for the final four.  Albeit, a tad late.

In the South, I'm going with streaking Dayton.  Mostly for sentimental reasons, if they go the distance I could envision a quick road trip.

In the East, gotta go with Michigan State.  Not only did Obama pick 'em, but the future President of the NCAA will be Lou Anna K. Simon (the would-be first ever female NCAA President - my pick to succeed Mark Emmert).  She's the current leader of Michigan State University (the one with the nerve to author an official response to my concerns about outdated emergency evacuation protocol, AFTER HAVING DELETED a portion of the initial email I sent her).  So yeah, gotta root for the Spartans.  Maybe if they win the championship, it will cast a light upon her egregious behavior.

And if you believe in the nobility of Lou Anna Simon, I'd like to sell you the Wheeling Suspension Bridge.  I don't have the actual deed... but back in 1991 I was walking across the bridge around 2am and some kid stuck his head out of the moon roof of a Honda Accord and threw a full can of Busch Light Draft at me.  It hit me in the shoulder leaving a slight bruise.  He yelled, "Fuck youuuu!"  So even though I don't have the necessary paperwork, there is a sentimental attachment, the validity of which shalt not be questioned.

In the West, I'll take Wisconsin.  I've always been a big Badgers fan, particularly of their football team.  Camp Randall Stadium was home to a minor human stampede.  In 1993, fans stormed the field after a 13-10 upset over Michigan leaving about 70 people injured, 6 of them critically, no fatalities.  Google it - my shit comes up.

In the "Midwest" region, I'll take the Mercer Bears from the deep South --- Macon, Georgia to be precise.  I like Macon purely because it rhymes with bacon.  Few cities rhyme with non-kosher meat.  Although the little town of Piney Fork, Ohio loosely rhymes with briny pork.  I once asked for directions out that way.  A toothless, puzzled yokel stared me down, "Youz in the foothills of Piney Fork."

After Mercer put the beatdown on Duke, you just have to pull for 'em.  I'll even overlook the explicit religious fervor of their born-again head coach. 

So my Final Four is Dayton vs. Michigan State and Wisconsin vs. Mercer.

Now I'll venture back into a dimension of quasi-realism and take Michigan State vs. Wisconsin in the final.

And I'm gonna go with MSU, strictly on the basis that it could expose the evil-doings of their Janet Napolitano-resembling President, Lou Anna K. Simon.  May she rot in hell.

Alright, one more meme since UConn advanced yesterday over Villanova.

A fitting tribute to Warren Buffett's extremely generous billion dollar bracket challenge.  There's no need to worry.  Even if he had lost, he had taken out an insurance policy through his shell company - Berkshire Hathaway.  What a businessman!  I saw the last odds of a perfect bracket at 1 in 9.2 quantillion.

That's the equivalent of getting struck by lightning twice in your lifetime, in the exact same spot, while having an orgy with the cast members of the Golden Girls on both occasions.  And yes, that includes the corpse of Estelle Getty (Sophia) thus implying multiple incidents of illegal grave extraction and necrophilia.

Go Spartans.  Woot!  Woot!

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