Saturday, March 01, 2014

Ukraine crisis... through the eyes of Seinfeld

Gigi asked me yesterday, "Eric, what's really going on in the Ukraine?"

Well, it's kind of complex.  The country has entered into a volatile, unstable period.  Most of the western region feels the economic tug of the European Union.  But the political power structure and Eastern territories are closely allied with Russia.  So you obviously have the elements for a protracted conflict.  Factor in the economic interests (gas and oil) and foreseeable inflationary issues.  Uprisings and civil war might seem inevitable.

The Ukranian prime minister, "Arseniy Yatsenyuk " whom most Americans probably know as the "Artist Formerly Known as Beet Borscht," has either fled the country or is in hiding.

Echoes of the cold war, but think of it as a new Food Network TV show --- SOUP WARS.  Hot vs. Cold.  Salty vs. Spicy.  Creamy cum-like vs. Brothy urinary.

Think of Arseniy as Arsenio Hall, But let's call him Arsenio Hell, in soup-Nazi form.  A cold, red-blooded Eastern European dictator but he's white (signified by the tasty dollop of sour cream).  And although he might be a ruthless bastard, Arseniy (with a "y") is vastly less annoying than this resurgent, over-hyped douchebag.

Now I can die.

Formerly imprisoned female Prime Minister, Yulia Tymoshenko, is rallying the protesters but doesn't want to assume the leadership vacuum.  When it comes to War and Peace, she could take some advice from Elaine Benes.

"War, what is it good for?  Absolutely Nuthin!  Say it Again!"

Naturally, Putin is sending in military forces to "stabilize" the situation in the Crimean region.  So Obama has issued a stern warning.  But it's hard to take Obama seriously since he was responsible for the surge of troops in Afghanistan.  Think of it like this --- what if Russia decided to invade and occupy Uruguay?  How would that make us feel?  Would it make you go hmmm?  Hey, at least Russia and Ukraine are neighbors.

Here's the deal.  Putin can do basically anything he wants.  And he knows it.  He doesn't have to worry about achieving a grand consensus, political bargaining or external coalition building.  If I had to place a bet on it, my hunch is that Ukraine will be splintered and carved up in the near future --- with the Eastern part aligning themselves with Russia.  But I don't think it will be an all-out war.  I think Putin will accomplish his mission without wide scale bloodshed.  All that KGB training will pay off.  He's more of a tactical, behind-the-scenes, bloodless coup kinda guy.  Instead of Bush who was kind of an in-your-face, wild'n'crazy guy (Steve Martin - no video necessary).

There is one thing we take great comfort in.  And that's knowing how the average American is staying abreast of the unfolding turmoil.  I can prove it - here's the pecking order in level of importance.

1) The potential for a full-blown civil war in the Ukraine.
2) Who wins best supporting male actor at the Oscars (gotta be Jared Leto, transvestite guy in Dallas Buyer's Club)
3) The Flying Tomato Shaun White - Freckled Ginger Hipster Doobie Disappoints in Olympic Snowboarding.

Sensing the undying thirst for knowledge regarding the rich history the Ukraine, we must truly embrace their culture and tumultuous traditions.  And as Americans, here's our best path forward!  A brief 1 minute video tutorial followed by 2 summary memes.  That should be sufficient.

Onto the memes.  They're originals but feel free to steal them if the yearning doth arise.

Now you know all you need to know.  On second thought... oh, what the hell?  How about an obligatory shout-out?


There you go.  That feels much better.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The more I think about it - you've really got to acknowledge Putin's impeccable timing. Obviously, the annexation of the Crimean region was not a spur of the moment decision. He had this whole thing planned out.

He waits until immediately after the Olympic closing ceremonies. Just when world-wide sentiment is very pro-Russia.

Then, he invades on a Friday (during the low-press weekend news coverage downturn).

To top it off, every American stooge is preoccupied with the Oscar Awards ceremony on Sunday. Which naturally extends into Monday (cooler talk).

And there's no mass killing. So far, it seems like it could be a relatively bloodless land grab. The awesome show of military might appears carefully attenuated for that effect.

I don't wager on geo-politics, but if you're gonna place a bet... I'd suggest going all-in on a shirtless Vladmir.